Freedom

~ for simple days that are the best days. We’ve been missing Colton lately, he’s been busy, all grown up you know. He finally had a free day and came home for lunch. We chatted. Looked at pictures. Sat on the kitchen floor with the dogs and got caught up on each other’s lives. We sat on the back patio, turned on some good tunes, and played round after round of Uno with the Littles. Then while I started dinner, he played Monopoly with them (their favorite edition, Canadian!). I honestly can’t even remember the last time we just had an easy, no-particular-occasion, “nothing” kind of day all together. It was true treasure.

~ for the best little biscuit baking assistant.

~ for joy in the unexpected. I thrilled 2 of my pre-teens by taking them shopping. What did I buy that excited them so much? Toys? Ice cream? New shoes? Nope. Their first DEODORANT. I’m glad they are excited about their hygiene.

~ for iron-sharpening friends. The kind you can spill your “junk” to and they don’t freak out. The kind of friends that aren’t looking for a dismissive, polite answer when they ask how you are, and who aren’t afraid to dive in deep past the shallow.

~ for a GLORIOUS praise report from Georgia’s family: the pathology came back from the latest brain surgery that ALL CANCER IS GONE! In fact, what was removed in this surgery was scar tissue, meaning the cancer was removed in her first surgery! This has her in the best possible position for the next step of her treatment, proton radiation. In the words of her mama, Jessica, “we have the mightiest physician healing Georgia. Jesus had and still has his protection and healing power over her and we pray and believe He will be the reason for her lifelong cure! Jehovah Rapha” Please keep praying for this precious family. Proton radiation therapy begins TOMORROW (July 8).

~ for such a fun July 4th. A beautiful day, great music, the best brisket in all the land, ooey gooey brownies and decadent ice cream cake, and everybody’s favorite soggy swimming dog.

~ for the cutest, bitsiest, tiniest baby lizard any of us have ever seen!

~ for the mouth-watering tingle inside your cheeks at the taste of fresh homemade dill pickles from our garden.

~ for the kindest dentist in all the land.

~ for a wonderful day trip to Carthage for a SECOND Independence Day celebration. Got some much needed hugs from fam we don’t see nearly enough. Fun souvenirs from Grandmommy’s latest adventures. Great food, lots of laughs, just a perfect day. Even caught a glimpse of some fireworks on our way home.

~ for 6 Giddyup & Whoa deliveries this week.

~ for the sweet moments of daydreaming with my Love…only the Lord knows the plans He has for us, and we only want the future He has planned….but I love that we are still dreaming together.

~ and this week on Chef Daddy’s Sunday Dinners: gourmet panko crusted tuna casserole.

With the holiday, everyone’s been talking a lot about FREEDOM. We are reminded that freedom isn’t free: it was (and remains) hard-fought by brave men and women who lay their lives down for their country. Freedom means so many different things to different people. The freedom to do whatever you want. Say whatever you want. Love whoever you want. I personally think a lot of people take these “freedoms” too far…at others’ expense. People stomp all over other people under the guise of “freedom.” As Christ-followers, we believe that Jesus too laid down His life for our freedom. He died that we may no longer live as slaves to sin. Not necessarily free TO do whatever we want, but free FROM the grip of vices and addictions and entrapments that so easily entangle us. I know I’m free, but I still long for greater freedom: freedom from fear, from anxiety, from comparison, from anger. It’s not a one-and-done, but rather a continual and gradual refining.

And I got to thinking about the words we often use interchangeably: freedom and independence. See, while I know Christ came to set us FREE, He never intended for us to be INDEPENDENT. In this society of selfies, self care, and self worship, we aren’t supposed to NEED anyone. We weren’t created to be slaves, but we also were not created to be autonomous, hedonistic loners. We were built for community. “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) But more importantly than needing one another, we have a desperate need to be DEPENDENT upon our Savior. I trip myself up over and over again when I try to operate in my own strength. I am completely incapable of what is expected of me. Serving my husband. Loving, shepherding, and caring for 9 kids. Forgiving. Living a life of faith over fear. Putting others before myself. Every single one of those ideals are contrary to my character. BUT GOD. He gives me life and joy and purpose that is not my own, and the more I lean on Him, the more He fills me up and heals my brokenness.

I’m not as free as I want to be. But I will be. I’m trusting that as long as I’m breathing, God’s not done.

Thanks for giving thanks with me!

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Corinthians 3:17)

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1)

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Pressing In and Pressing On

I am thankful:

~ that Tatum K quickly recovered from the mysterious fevers and was back to her spicy self on Monday. She awoke in the morning ravenous after her 5 day fast, asking for “Momo” (no she’s not referencing that horrible meme, that’s her word for OATMEAL), and staunchly DEMANDING that I SING TO HER WHILE SHE ATE! First “the monkey song” (5 Little Monkeys) and then “Shunshine.” Yep, my girl’s back!!!

~ for another afternoon of coffee and rain showers. I’m not sure why, but I’m mildly obsessed with being snuggled up in the comfort of my covered patio watching the rain and wind and thunder and lightning. I love watching the pool boiling with raindrops, watching the tall trees bend and bow and sway, and marvel at the unexpected strikingly bright blue skies bursting through the clouds in between.

~ also still mildly obsessed (maybe more than mildly according to my husband) with our personal backyard wildlife refuge. I’ve developed a keen eye for the bright green anole lizards atop our back fence, and am always scouting for our cardinals and hummingbirds. My camera sits at the ready by the picture window over our sink, and I’m always excited to get a new shot. (FINALLY got a hummingbird!) My dear darling husband is SO OVER IT, but he dutifully ooo’s and aah’s over each day’s pictures. I fear this is part of getting older? Birdwatching? Who cares – I like it, and it makes me smile to think how pleased Grandma Grace would be. So there.

~ for an impromptu play date with dear friends. I love when our non-schedule allows for the very best parts of life to just happen.

~ for the first delicious ripe tomato from our little garden.

~ for the encouragement from the Lord given through the mouth of a child. One day this week, a day that had potential to be a sad one, Sawyer said out of the blue, “Mama, do you know that in heaven, there’s a river? It’s called the RIVER OF LIFE!” His blue eyes sparkled, and I could see he was thinking and thinking…He ate a handful of popcorn, dusted off his hands, and firmly declared, “Ugh! I just wish I was in heaven RIGHT NOW!” Oh my sweet, sweet boy.

~ for steady work for Giddyup & Whoa. This little business of ours was a leap of faith, and I can’t express what a blessing it is for people to chose to work with us. Anyone can shop anywhere. You can get lovely signs at Hobby Lobby. But when you support a small shop like ours, a real person does a happy dance when you place an order. And when you have 6 kids in private school and 1 headed off to college, that happy dance is REAL! I took the next step this week and launched our G&W Facebook page. We launched Instagram last Thanksgiving, and the response has been great, so we are hopeful that this next platform will be successful for our business. Putting yourself “out there” is scary. What if nobody likes our work? What if someone says something hurtful? What if we crash and burn and look like fools? (Que anxiety’s grand entrance…). But that’s where we (I) have to remind ourselves that if everything is an offering to the Lord, then we only need to focus on pleasing HIM, not worry about pleasing anyone else.

~ for PURE JOY! MY dear friends have had their greatest dream realized this week: the birth of their son!!!! After years of trying, praying, waiting, and trusting God, they were chosen by a birth mother. They then embarked on the journey of falling in love with this dear young woman, building a relationship with her, and welcoming her into their family. Being present at the birth of their son is something they will always treasure, as they will treasure the brave woman who brought him into the world and handed him to his Mama and Daddy. The love that this little boy was born into is beyond explanation. Adoption is the most amazing thing, inexplicably woven of joy and pain and sacrifice and promise. Adoption was God’s idea: He adopts us as His own children, giving us His name and full access to the Kingdom. This sweet baby’s arrival brought a fresh opportunity to sit down and talk with my Littles about their adoptions. We’ve never hidden anything from them, but it just isn’t a topic that comes up very often. They asked some questions about this adoption and about their own (and Sawyer was quite confused and actually a little frustrated to find out that he WAS NOT adopted.) It was a really sweet time talking with them about how loved they all are, both by the people who gave them life and the family whose name they share. “We love because He first loved us.” 1John 4:19

~ for the kindness of friends and strangers who step up when it all hits the fan. Friday was Tyler Cattle Barons’ Little Wranglers Roundup, a super fun western-themed event for childhood cancer families at a local horse park. The Littles have been eagerly looking forward to it. And I was so looking forward to writing this week’s Gratitude and detailing the fun they had. Unfortunately, it was a rough one. BIG SIGH. I originally wrote out the whole story…but it was just too long to even get into. Let’s summarize with this: We went. We had drama. There was even a brief visit to an ambulance. At least we ended on a good note with Pokey O’s ice cream and cookies. We got through it due to the mercy of Jesus and the kindness of others. (Oh, and the kids all had a blast of course.) A million thanks to the Curtis family and the Cattle Baron’ volunteers who loved on our family. And for God’s mercies new every morning. What would we do without them?

~ thankful to have Cooper back home after a fabulous week at Pine Cove Camp. He had a great time, reconnected with old friends and met new ones, and got a fresh reminder of how much the Lord has done for him. Such a blessing.

~ for God’s promise of a rainbow after rain. I had the great honor and privilege to attend a baby shower for Jonathan and Shelby (otherwise known as Sophie’s mom and dad). They are expecting their son Connor, and what joy it is to celebrate with them!

What a week. Our life really isn’t that much different than yours. Yes, we have a pretty giant Tribe. But we are just another family trying to take care of each other the best we can. We’ve had high highs and low lows. We all have insecurities and ugly fears that come knocking in the night and keep us awake. We’ve walked through sickness and loss and joy, just like you. I think mostly we are all alike in more ways than we are different. So let’s celebrate one another’s victories instead of falling into a comparison trap. Comparison has always been the thief of joy. But here in the age of social media, there is an undeniable new level of interpersonal MEASURING going on. Have I made as many picturesquely happy memories this week as that family? Does my dinner photo measure up? How many friends/followers do I have? Am I too “extra” or am I not enough? We need to find a way balance the impossible:

minding our own business without being blindly self-focused;

being content with what we have while still reaching for our goals;

believing God answers prayers while at the same time trusting Him when He doesn’t do it like we thought He would/should;

knowing that we were lovingly created for a purpose in the image of God, but that so was everybody else!

We all need to press in to Him, and press on each day, loving and encouraging each other as best we can along the way. I’m so thankful for all the people who have invested in me and in my Loves. I pray that we are raising kind humans who will invest likewise in others.

Thanks for giving thanks with me!

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” Galatians 6:2-5

Faith Over Fever

I am thankful:

~ for a wonderful slumber party for Samantha and Kora in Carthage with Aunt Gina and Uncle Justin. The girls had the best time helping with meal prep and their lifelong dream came true: the opportunity to EACH choose ANY KIND OF BREAKFAST CEREAL THEY WANTED FROM THE GROCERY STORE. It was a thrilling moment for my girls. Even though they were sad to miss a visit with Grandmommy, who was off on a getaway, they were tickled that she left them a surprise “goodie” at her house. And they took the short drive over to Marshall to get to see where Big Sister Carson Grace will be attending college this fall, and then had several other fun adventures. Such a special outing for my sweet girls.

~ for reminders from the mouths of babes. Driving down the road, I was alone with Tatum K, and I let myself vent aloud (LOUDLY) about a frustration for a moment. Tatum asked me, “Mama too mad?” And I said, “yes baby, Mama is mad.” And she replied immediately, “No Mama! Mama too happy!” Sweet little encourager.

~ for the great blessing and answered prayer of a busy season for Giddyup & Whoa! I am still painting daily, and currently have NINE pieces either completed or nearly so. So very thankful for the support of our little business!

~ for an afternoon outside on the patio with my coffee and the cool breeze from a summer rain.

~ for my hard-working, wonderful husband. He is putting long hours in at work these days, more than 70 hours this week and 12 days straight. And then he comes home and does whatever needs done. The kids and I do our best to see to it that the house is shipshape and a welcoming, restful place for him to come home to. But even when he’s not at work, he’s helping, cleaning, fixing…anything that needs done for us or anyone else. Josh ALWAYS does more than he HAS to do. And he rarely, if ever complains. I love the example that he lives out for his children. So I was thrilled that Saturday (FINALLY a day off) once he was done with his yard work, and I had gotten Littles down for naps, he grabbed my hand and said, “grab our coffee and come float in the pool with me!” And we did just that. The bigger kids were forbidden from coming outside, we cranked up our 80’s/90’s rock station, and we floated on our hot pink rafts. It was perfection. I love that we are still crazy about each other, no matter what life has thrown at us along the way. And I love that some of our best times together can literally be at home doing nothing.

~ for Cooper, who left today for his week at Pine Cove Camp. He was thrilled to have the opportunity to go, and I know it will likely be the very best week of his summer. Praying for him to have a blast with his friends, and that he would receive all that the Lord has prepared for him while he is there. Sure gonna miss him this week.

Even as I actively choose joy and count my blessings, I’m ready to leave this week behind and am hoping for a far better week to come. Out of the blue, Tatum K started running fever on Wednesday. No other symptoms, just fever. As one would expect, a temp of 102.5° made our little spicy girl pretty droopy. All she has wanted was Mama’s lap and the “show-pad.” If she managed to move from my lap, she needed me holding her hand at all times. Another day of fever followed, then another. Today is Day 5. Since Wednesday, I think she has eaten 6 popsicles, 2 apple slices, half a yogurt, and a bowl of tomato soup.

Now listen, I have nine kids, we’ve had nearly every kind of bug AND we have survived cancer, so I’ve seen plenty of fevers. I know she’s OK. Her color is fine, no tummy symptoms, not complaining of any pain. She’s drinking well and having plenty of wet diapers, so she’s not dehydrated. I know that it’s most likely a virus, and that viruses just require supportive care and have to run their course. So I really didn’t feel the need to drag her to a clinic so that the pediatrician could tell me, “She has a virus, she needs supportive care, and it needs to run its course.“ I sound remarkably calm, right? Wrong, wrong, WRONG. Instead of cancer giving me a good perspective on not sweating the small stuff, cancer has wrecked me. During Sawyer’s treatment, fever was our mortal enemy. I watched for it like a hawk. I took Sawyer’s temperature AT LEAST DAILY when he looked well, hourly or more when he didn’t. And the panic clenched tighter with each rising degree if the thermometer began to inch closer to the magic number that would send us barreling back down the highway to the Dallas ER more times than I can count. That was my norm for 4 years. He’s had plenty of fevers since then, all completely normal and without incident, as have all the other children, including Tatum. And I’m sure I’ve had my share of moments of irrational fear. But this time has been different. I’ve really been trying to search it out and better understand myself and my reactions. Part of it is that she’s had no other symptoms. Other fevers have been in conjunction with colds, tummy bugs, teething. But there’s been something deeply unsettling about a fiery hot, rosy cheeked toddler laying wearily on my chest that sends me spiraling. And when I think back to how many days upon days I lived that with Sawyer, especially before we knew he was sick, it’s not really very mysterious.

So I sent a “please-talk-me-down-off-the-ledge“ text to our pediatrician. He was abundantly kind and gracious, even checking in on her via text each day. We talked through symptoms and lack there of, and what to watch for. I’m confident that she’s OK. Her fever has been significantly lower today, and she has perked up quite a bit. I knew she was ok before I texted him, but I still couldn’t shake that sticky, unsettling feeling of fear.

Why is that? Why do we still freak out when we know the truth? I think about how I get onto my girls when they panic every time it lightnings or thunders. It doesn’t matter how many times I reassure them, explain what causes lightning and thunder, or how many times I remind them that they are safe…they don’t believe me enough to stop being afraid. I would never think of admitting that I do not believe God enough to stop being afraid….but that is exactly what I’m doing. I’m not beating myself up, I just know that the more I honestly confess my struggles and confront the fears that relentlessly ambush me, the more Jesus will build my faith and further my healing. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. I love this quote from Ann Voskamp’s prayer, “We may not be fearless but we will be strong and courageous and faithful because our faith in You is greater than the fears in us.” And I openly share this because I know we are all working through our own junk.

Big praises to Jesus for our friend, Georgia, who is home after a wildly successful brain surgery on Monday! And big prayers needed for sweet Baby Lucas as he recovers from his first radiation treatment last week and has a big week ahead of scans and treatments. And for one friend who said the hardest goodbye to her baby boy last week, and another friend who is hoping to meet her son this week. Thank you for continuing to lift these precious families in prayer.

Thanks in advance for praying for Tatum K. As of 9pm, she’s still not fever-free, but this afternoon she was clearly feeling better.

Let’s pray to choose faith over fear this week. Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” Mark 9:23-24

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” II Timothy 1:7

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7

Encouraging Words

I am thankful

~ for breathtaking technicolor sunsets.

~for the freedom of summer. It’s still daunting to balance structure and flexibility in our days, but we really are having a great time.

~for a fun week of Vacation Bible School! The Littles had a blast with their crews and Cooper was on the Recreation Team. The GSM staff at Grace Community Church always puts on top notch events, and this year did not disappoint. As Sawyer has not yet completed Kindergarten, he wasn’t able to participate, so he and Tatum K had a little extra “Mama time” each night. We went on walks in our neighborhood with his patrol car, snacked on Frosty’s, and went to the Sonic playground. VBS always means a stretched schedule, hyper kiddos, and LAAAATE NIGHTS, but I love that they are all enjoying themselves with their friends and learning more about Jesus along the way.

~ for VBS “Family Night. The kids dined on hotdogs and snocones, and went crazy on waterslides. I’ve never let Sawyer participate on inflatables in a crowd before. Honestly, it was unspeakably hard for me. My anxiety attacks hit hard as I surveyed the masses of overstimulated children racing from one attraction to the next. My heart tightens again now as I write. No one ever seems to notice when I am freaking out, but Cooper was so kind. He reached over and squeezed my hand, “it’s gonna be ok Mom. Sawyer will be ok.” I’m not going to lie and pretend it was my favorite. But he had the time of his life. Big sister Samantha was his running buddy, and they and the others all jumped and climbed and raced and slid nonstop until they were soaked to the skin.

~ oh how a hungry heart yearns for encouragement. A kind VBS volunteer took the time to speak some thoughtful and edifying words about one of my children. It MAY HAVE BEEN the same child who had a rough week last week. And it MAY BE a child who doesn’t always inspire edifying words from their leaders. This gal spoke kindly and genuinely about my child, and her words were truly life-giving, as cool water on parched ground. It wasn’t a big deal to her…she was merely making an observation, a casual compliment. But to this weary mama, it was EVERYTHING.

~ for kind words from a kind stranger. A woman approached me out of the clamoring herd of sugar-and-waterslide-amped crazies at Family Night, introduced herself, saying, “You don’t know me, but I read your blog.” She spoke kindly about following along with our family, that she prays for us, thanked me for writing, and encouraged me to “keep it up.” I won’t forget that moment. Heather, I hope you’re reading this week. You blessed me so much! You didn’t have to speak up, take the time in a crowd, put yourself out there. But you did. You’ll never know how many times I wonder WHY on earth I’m writing these journals, wondering who in the world would care to read. And that day, at that very moment…I really needed that encouragement. You never know how your words may impact someone. We truly have been given the power of life and death in our tongues.

~ that I have found it extremely therapeutic to sit on the trampoline with a two-year-old. Hard to stay upset.

~ for a simultaneously harrowing and HILARIOUS adventure with the Tribe. We took an evening walk down our street, which has been under construction for several months as an extension is being added and new neighborhoods are being plotted out. The former cul de sac is barricaded off, and during the weekdays there is lots of tractor activity going on. But on this particular weekend evening, we decided to venture down the newly graveled road to check out the progress. It was a perfect evening, moderate temperatures, light breeze, right before sunset. The kids skipped along, and we all marveled at this new stretch of pavement that we had never seen before. Suddenly, Gavin squealed, “Ow! Something bit me!” I saw a giant horsefly buzzing behind him. I swatted at it, and it furiously continued to pursue Gavin, who took off at a run. Another swat, and I killed it. We have been bitten by these predatory bugs before, and their bites are super painful, and now everyone is terrified of them. About the same time as I swatted Gavin’s assailant, I saw Josh and Cooper running. “Horseflies!” they yelled. So we all started running back toward home. Off and on, each one of us were targeted: relentless angry buzzing around the back of our legs and necks. All the kids were screaming and twirling, trying to lose the flies. In between the screams, the rest of us were absolutely hysterically laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I’ve never seen my kids sprint so fast. I doubt we will venture down that path on our walks for a while!

~ for a loud and rowdy Cousin Crew for our kids to grow up with – and T shirts to prove it!

~ for the incredible growth I have witnessed in the young people in our church. This morning I could scarcely believe it…MORE THAN HALF of the worship team were teenagers! Carson Grace has been serving on the worship team for years, but now several others have stepped up, including Cooper running the soundboard, and one of his best friends had his first Sunday on the drums. I remember teaching all these kids when they were little, either in children’s church or Sunday school. And now they are grown, serving the Lord with their gifts. My heart is so full.

~ for a really special Father’s Day evening. We were all really bummed to find out that Josh had to work on Father’s Day, but planned to make the best of it and get together in the evening for burgers. Colton came over once he got off work, and it’s always such a blessing to have all our kids home. Dad’s menu: grilled burgers, Doritos, and yellow cupcakes with chocolate icing. After dinner, the kids one by one presented Dad with all his favorites: Martha White blueberry muffins, new outfit, pistachios, Oh’s cereal, beef jerky, cinnamon Trident, sunflower seeds, chocolate chip cookies, and a Whataburger gift card. They were each so tickled to bless him, and he was tickled and surprised at how well they know him. I love watching him be a dad. He loves us all so well. After all the Littles had shuffled off to bed, we had some time with the Bigs. And it got real. Really real. They opened up about some things, and we were able to listen and able to speak into their lives. Josh had a Word from the Lord that He put in his heart earlier in the day that was clearly prepared for THIS MOMENT. There were tears, and hugs, and it was proven that big kids are never ever too big for Mama’s lap. These are the moments that put gas in your tank when it’s empty, at least enough to get you over the next hill.

If you have an encouragement for someone…share it! Put some gas in their tank.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21

“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

“They’ve made me feel like a prisoner / They’ve made me feel set free

They’ve made me feel like a criminal / Made me feel like a king

They’ve lifted my heart / To places I’d never been

And they’ve dragged me down /Back to where I began

Words can build you up / Words can break you down

Start a fire in your heart or / Put it out

Let my words be life / Let my words be truth

I don’t wanna say a word / Unless it points the world back to You.”

(“Words” by Hawk Nelson)

Grace

Grace. Defined as “the unmerited favor of God toward man.” It’s the good we get that we don’t deserve. Oh, how we need grace. It’s something I’m always begging God for more of, and I’m so thankful that it’s something He never runs out of. I’m counting on heaping helpings of that grace to get me through this summer with all these kiddos and all the big changes that are coming this fall.

I am thankful for GRACE.

One of my kiddos had a pretty bad day. Well, pretty much it’s been A BUNCH of bad days piggybacked on top of each other. And I’ve had to discipline a lot. Like a LOT LOT. And it left me feeling discouraged and sour and like the World’s Meanest Mommy. But Saturday morning, I stretched my my arms open, and this child crawled up into my lap.

I whispered, “I love you,”

and they said, “I love you too.”

And I said, “Do you know I love you even when I get onto you?”

“Yes,”

“And do you know WHY I get onto you?”

They replied, “because you love me and so I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time.”

Deep sigh. Big squeeze. Tiny tears from mama’s eyes that I tried to hide in their hair as I held them tighter. Ok, maybe not the ACTUAL meanest mommy in the WHOLE world. Thankful to my loving father who gives me the grace I need to be a mama to so many. And the unique grace He gives me to be the exact mama that each ONE CHILD needs at that moment. God, give me the grace to extend that grace to others, especially my children.

~ for my flyswatter. Anybody else dealing with 834,267,559 flies?

~ for our cardinal family. I’ve been captivated by watching their nest and the comings and goings of the parents. Now there’s a baby bird out of the nest, not yet strong enough to fly. It hides itself all around our yard and the neighbors’, and the Mama and Daddy cardinals tirelessly tend to it and bring it food. So far our benevolent neighbors have not called the cops on me for climbing my ladder and constantly peering over their fence with my telescopic camera lens.

~ for the community of prayer warriors who rise up around a need. If you follow me on social media, you likely saw my urgent prayer request for our beloved nurse Kelly and her infant son, Lucas. He has been battling rhabdoid tumors for several months and just recently has started experiencing a decline of appetite and increased pain. A CT this week indicated a new tumor. And y’all hit your knees. Kelly was thankful to report that the mass was not attached to his brain, and that the insertion of an NG tube should provide a nutritional boost to increase Lucas‘s strength as he continues his brave fight. How I wish there was no cancer for him to fight, but today we have the grace to praise God for every piece of encouraging news! You can follow Lucas’ journey on Caringbridge.

~ It’s been a big week for our oldest daughter. Monday Josh, Carson Grace, and I drove to Marshall, TX for New Student Orientation at East Texas Baptist University (ETBU). It’s such a beautifully manicured campus, and all the staff and other students and families were so friendly. After the first general welcome session, all students and parents headed to meet with the heads of the major they had chosen, for Carson Grace, that was Communications. She hasn’t been sure what exactly she’d want to do in that field, but she has some interests and strengths in those areas, so it seemed like a good place to start. Next was a meeting with the department heads for whatever you want to minor in: Music/Worship Arts. Carson Grace was eager to meet with these professors and discuss the choirs and worship team. The head of the Worship Arts department begin to ask lots of specific, pointed questions: “So why are you here?“ “What are you passionate about?” After just a few of her responses, he said… “I don’t know, but you sound like a music major to me!” That was such an unexpected, abrupt shift that caught all of us unaware. But when he asked her, “Do you like music? Or do you LOVE music? For me…” he said, “I’m interested in a lot of things, but music is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s what makes me tick.” And her eyes filled with tears as she said, “ I love it. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do.”

And that was that. She’s a music major! Thank you God for the grace to take a step out in faith.

~ also this week, Carson Grace had her very first job interview. After about 25 minutes, she walked out with the job!

~ not only that, Carson Grace, our sweet girl, our Princess Peanut, turned 18. I swear, yesterday she was a baby. A bitsy, blue-eyed baby, sucking her thumb behind a pink crocheted blanket. A tiny, sassy toddler shaking her thing to the Wiggles “Pony Song.” We’ve ridden the predictably unpredictable hormone roller coaster, cried happy tears and tears of frustration, and learned the hard way how to communicate. Josh says she’s just like me: sometimes that’s a compliment, and sometimes it’s most assuredly NOT. But as I look at her as a young adult, a young woman, my heart is bursting with so much pride and so much hope for her future that it genuinely feels like pain.

Grace was my grandmother. My dad‘s mom. She was a farmer, a school bus driver, 4-H leader, and a world traveler. She knew how to cook and sew and her house was cozy and neat as a pin.

I pretty much grew up at her house, at her kitchen table, in her garden, and in her basement. I spent all my time with her when I was little bitty, but when I grew older, I spent time with her by choice. I would ride my bicycle 3 miles down the treacherously steep loose gravel road that led from our family farm to her house in the valley. I loved to be at Grandma’s house. I played “olden days,” dressing up in her old furs and hats from the 50s and the reading the old primers she had saved from when my dad was a little boy. I waded and fished in the creeks around her house. We watched deer and birds and squirrels from her windows, and watched the trees explode into color on the bluffs that rose up around her on every side. She was feminine, but not girlie, and I never remember seeing her wear a drop of makeup. She loved me unconditionally and was my biggest fan and supporter through every endeavor. I loved my Grandma. And even though I never expected to have a daughter, when I found out that my second baby was going to be a girl, it was a given that I would name her Grace. Josh and I traveled from Texas back to Minnesota about once a year to visit early in our marriage, and each time it was more heartbreaking to see Grandma’s health decline as Parkinson’s Disease robbed her of her physical strength and independence. She passed away when Carson Grace was 6. But I will always treasure the memories I have of her, and I love sharing them with my kids. I know she would have gotten such a kick out of my crazy oversized Tribe, and they all would have loved her just like I did. And I’m so proud that my first-born daughter bears the name of such a special lady, one who lived up to the definition of the word.

Let’s love lavishly and extend extra measures of grace this week! Everybody else needs it just as much as you do.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:7-9

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

Miracles

I am thankful:

~ for the 102 times a day that Tatum K cracks me up. Whenever she tastes something new, she will be so excited, “I try! I try!” But then she almost inevitably will reply, “No, I can’t like it.” And then sometimes, “I DO like it.” She is a bossy little jabberbox, and keeps us all on our toes. We are TRYING to make the transition into her crib in the room she’s always been planned to occupy (instead of my closet). But the closet is pitch black and pretty much soundproof, so sharing a room is a big change, and has led to great sleep deprivation on Mama’s part.

~ for a fun visit from Aunt Dinah. We chowed down on Mexican food and enjoyed the back patio. The kids and dog showed off their swimming, and we enjoyed our afternoon coffee with her delicious home-baked lemon pound cake.

~for an awesome surprise: Sawyer received a milestone gift from the Sadie Keller Foundation. Sadie Keller is an amazing 11-year-old girl who was diagnosed with leukemia in 2015, shortly after Sawyer. She has completed her treatment and is doing incredibly well. But she rose from the ashes of her fight with a burning desire to help other kids around the world. Sadie has traveled multiple times to visit senators and even the White House to increase awareness and advocacy for childhood cancer. She is a name you are going to know one day. Created by Sadie and her family, the Sadie Keller Foundation gives gifts to childhood cancer warriors when they reach milestones. And Sawyer received a gift for the miraculous accomplishment reaching the ACE (aftercare) unit. Imagine his excitement when he walked out the front door to see his very own police car! He was so excited, jumped right in, and drove right out the driveway! After he got over his initial excitement, he said, “I need to write Sadie a thank you card!” which he promptly did. He’s been patrolling the neighborhood ever since! Thank you Lord for the miracle of Sawyer’s life!

~for God‘s mercy when people do something not very smart. Or something actually very dumb. There may or may not have been an incident with the neighbor kid’s hoverboard. It may or may not have involved a certain mom (who shall remain anonymous) bragging about being good at it. And maybe, someone may or may not have may not have ended up flat on their back on the concrete driveway. Just a hypothetical of course. This would not be a good place to reference “though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” (Psalm 37:24). Perhaps instead “the Lord preserves the simple.“ (Psalm 116:6a)

~for Dad’s night to cook. Josh is a great cook, and everything he makes is delicious. We laughed at this particular menu, because it was a throwback to our early married years. Back then we were making Hamburger Helper with the 70/30 “chub” of ground beef, and we didn’t know we were supposed to drain the meat after browning. We’ve come a long way, baby! #mamahadsaladinstead

~for the fun I’ve been having with my camera. The children have been reading a lot about birds and nature, and their enthusiasm has been contagious. I’ve really been awestruck by the beauty of God‘s creation in my backyard, so I dug out my big lens on my DSLR camera. After a couple of days of photographing raindrops on elephant ears and our family of cardinals…basically I’m pretty much ready to send my work to National Geographic. I’m basically a wildlife photographer now. Josh can’t quit laughing at me. But it’s so fun! We haven’t captured a shot of Sawyer’s hummingbird yet, but it’s been to the feeder several times. We have witnessed courting lizards and newly hatched baby cardinals, and the stunningly intricate macrame of a spider’s web. (NO edits needed.)

~ for a lovely lunch with a sweet friend.

~ for MIRACLES!!!!! Our precious friend Georgia had a followup appointment this week, and the news was not what we were hoping for. But the next day after sharing discouraging news, Georgia’s mom shared an astounding update. I’ll share her words in the picture of her Facebook post below. And you can follow Georgia’s brave journey here. GOD IS AT WORK!!!!

We’ve gained some ground since last week by “turning autopilot off” and adding structure to our days at home. Morning devotional. 2 miles of running/walking/biking/strollering every morning. We’ve pulled out some flashcards and math pages and spelling websites for some “school,” and for now, all the Littles are eager to participate. I’m trying to have the older ones help the younger ones by quizzing and checking answers, and they sit with Sawyer and help him sound out the words in his books. I need to hold on to these days when my children are actually BEGGING me to LET THEM do school! I remember we had a great routine that worked really well for us last summer, but of course I don’t remember what we did! We will keep plugging along and figure out a rhythm.

Unfortunately, it’s been an ugly week of anxiety for me personally. Anxiety doesn’t care that I don’t have anything to be anxious about. Anxiety doesn’t care that I’m focusing on gratitude. It just stretches out it’s icy fingers around my heart and squeezes, out of nowhere, just for kicks. It almost invariably comes in waves, breaking over me again and again with relentless fury. When it hits me, I catch my breath and try to slow my breathing down. I turn on praise music and speak aloud the Name above all names, the Lover of my soul. “JESUS!” Sometimes I’m able to shout, and sometimes it’s all I can do to whisper. But as I write this I am reminded, I have survived 100% of these attacks! It wasn’t always pretty, but I have come out on the other side each time. I just mention this because I know many others wrestle with fear, depression, or anxiety; and I know there’s comfort in knowing you are not alone. Don’t lose heart. And I think it bears mentioning, because often we forget….

You have an enemy.

He is actively pursuing you.

He is good at what he does.

He’s a liar.

And he’s good at lying.

He tells you lies that you would believe.

He doesn’t usually waste time with the obvious, fraudulent lies that you can smell from a mile away. “God hates you.” “Nobody loves you.” But he is an expert at, “She doesn’t want a relationship with you.” “Nobody notices you.” “You don’t matter.” Or the opposite type of lie: “You’re better than them.” “You deserve to have everything you want.”

But let me also remind you of something that I hope you already know.

You also have a SAVIOR.

HE IS GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES.

HE IS ACTIVELY PURSUING YOU.

HE NEVER LIES. ALL HIS WORDS AND HIS WAYS AND HIS LOVES ARE TRUE.

BECAUSE HE’S GOOD AT THAT.

I am no evangelist or Bible scholar. But I know a miracle when I see one. I see one every time I look in the mirror. Because I know who I am and I know who I once was. I was dead and now I’m alive. And if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

Be encouraged friends. Let’s love one another well this week.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“I love the LORD, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. The pains of death surrounded me, And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the LORD: “O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD In the land of the living.” Psalms 116:1-9

Autopilot OFF

~ for the most astounding surprise I could never have imagined. My DAD showed up on my doorstep!!!! I was born and raised on a farm in Minnesota, and all my family still lives up in that region. Life never ceases to be busy on both sides, we have constantly been adding more children, and then there was STUPID CANCER. So although we regularly keep in touch, somehow it has been more than 12 years since I’ve seen my dad!!!! That means he hadn’t even MET SIX OF HIS GRANDCHILDREN! What a treasure to get to introduce my dad and stepmom, and to show them around our home and our city. I’m so proud of my kids, they are so full of love and share it without hesitation. They showed out and entertained, drew pictures and crawled in laps. We had a wonderful concentrated visit, and then Dad and Jennifer were right back in their car for the 14 hour drive north. I tried to talk them into staying, but it was just a whirlwind spur of the moment trip, and they had spring chores to get back to. However surprising, however brief, I am so utterly amazed and thankful for the wonderful visit, and for such a special memory for my kids.

~ for God’s mighty hand of protection, and those moments of gravity when we get a glimpse of how much worse things could have been without Him. Thank You Lord for Your Mercy. Carson Grace sang a wonderful song today for offering, “Remember,” by Lauren Daigle. Hard times will inevitably come, but we have to take the time to remember all the ways He has shown himself faithful. You can enjoy her song here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LHJ4AQgROY

~ for our first trip to the library of the summer. I’m so thankful that my kids still enjoy it. They love fun books and they LOVE the experience of so many choices at the library. This time we came home with lots of superheroes, Barbie, American Girl, and backyard bird books. Now, to keep track of them all and return them on time….

Our new hummingbird feeder is just like the one in Sawyer’s library book!

~ for the toilet in our guest bathroom. It has experienced multiple degrees of brokenness over the last several months, and it has been a real hassle. This week, Josh fixed it – like FOR REAL fixed it. You can now go in that bathroom and do what you need to do in there, with FULL CONFIDENCE that the commode will perform its intended purpose. And I’m just absolutely thrilled about it!

~ for steady work for Giddy Up & Whoa. We’ve done several signs for graduation and Mother’s Day, and even for a mortgage company as closing gifts. I’ve been thankful to paint at least a little almost every day.

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~ for the brilliantly colored cardinal families that dwell in our backyard. They flit back and forth all day, and chatter to us every morning. And for Sawyer’s enthusiasm for our new hummingbird feeder. He read about hummingbirds in his new book, and helped mix up the nectar and hang the feeder. Looking forward to birdwatching this summer!

~for a fun outing at the shooting range for Cooper.

~ for a beautiful weekend spent in and by the pool. It’s getting hot…and the kids (and Bear) are LOVING the cool water. We’ve worked so hard back there over the last year and a half….ripping out shrubs, hauling rocks, staining and repairing the fence, resurfacing the aged decking….it is such an amazing transformation. It was nice before, but now it is truly an oasis. Tatum K has gotten her first taste of the water, and she loves to (swim) “WEEM! I weem, Mama!” I can tell she will be a little water bug like the others. Josh and I still cannot believe how blessed we are to live in this home, and look forward to sharing it with our kids and their friends for years to come.

It’s nice to have some lazy days. Our schedule has been pretty open, few appointments or plans. Especially after the breakneck pace at the end of school, it’s refreshing to have a reprieve. Josh and I were reminded today how we don’t take “nothing days” for granted any more. When you’ve spent any significant length of time in a hospital, or separated from the ones you love by trauma, there’s nothing more refreshing than a “normal” day at home. But I can already tell it’s time to get into a routine. Embracing our “normal” days doesn’t necessarily have to mean mindless coasting. I remember when it dawned on me one time, you can’t coast anywhere but down. You’ll never get better, stronger, or wiser on autopilot. Growth takes effort. And even if continued growth wasn’t the goal…you can’t even MAINTAIN status quo without effort! Skillfully sculpted muscles atrophy, the sparkling blue pool turns murky green, the meticulously manicured lawn becomes a wilderness. And I need to remind myself of the truth I want my kids to learn: WORK IS GOOD! Of course, rest is good too, critically important in fact, but like anything else, it’s all about balance. Body, mind, and spirit need training and exercise to stay sharp. Our family just needs a little structure to our day, some punctuation. And as much as I hate to admit it, that extra hour of sleep in the morning doesn’t yield a more rested, more patient mama. Getting up and investing that hour in the Word does. And then in turn, investing that return into reading to my kids, swimming with my kids, LISTENING TO MY KIDS. I can already tell a negative impact in our home from one week of unstructured cruise control. Time to turn off auto pilot, set an alarm, dig into God’s Word, and launch into our days with purpose, instead of just letting the day run us over. Of course we will have spontaneous days, days with unexpected detours. Some days will be wildly successful and others will be a dismal failure. But I know we will enjoy the journey more if we stay the course with a balance of consistency and flexibility. So we will give it a go this week.

Let’s love on purpose this week! Thanks for giving thanks with me!

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.” Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” Psalm 77:11-14

“Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”” Joshua 4:4-7