Faith Over Fever

I am thankful:

~ for a wonderful slumber party for Samantha and Kora in Carthage with Aunt Gina and Uncle Justin. The girls had the best time helping with meal prep and their lifelong dream came true: the opportunity to EACH choose ANY KIND OF BREAKFAST CEREAL THEY WANTED FROM THE GROCERY STORE. It was a thrilling moment for my girls. Even though they were sad to miss a visit with Grandmommy, who was off on a getaway, they were tickled that she left them a surprise “goodie” at her house. And they took the short drive over to Marshall to get to see where Big Sister Carson Grace will be attending college this fall, and then had several other fun adventures. Such a special outing for my sweet girls.

~ for reminders from the mouths of babes. Driving down the road, I was alone with Tatum K, and I let myself vent aloud (LOUDLY) about a frustration for a moment. Tatum asked me, “Mama too mad?” And I said, “yes baby, Mama is mad.” And she replied immediately, “No Mama! Mama too happy!” Sweet little encourager.

~ for the great blessing and answered prayer of a busy season for Giddyup & Whoa! I am still painting daily, and currently have NINE pieces either completed or nearly so. So very thankful for the support of our little business!

~ for an afternoon outside on the patio with my coffee and the cool breeze from a summer rain.

~ for my hard-working, wonderful husband. He is putting long hours in at work these days, more than 70 hours this week and 12 days straight. And then he comes home and does whatever needs done. The kids and I do our best to see to it that the house is shipshape and a welcoming, restful place for him to come home to. But even when he’s not at work, he’s helping, cleaning, fixing…anything that needs done for us or anyone else. Josh ALWAYS does more than he HAS to do. And he rarely, if ever complains. I love the example that he lives out for his children. So I was thrilled that Saturday (FINALLY a day off) once he was done with his yard work, and I had gotten Littles down for naps, he grabbed my hand and said, “grab our coffee and come float in the pool with me!” And we did just that. The bigger kids were forbidden from coming outside, we cranked up our 80’s/90’s rock station, and we floated on our hot pink rafts. It was perfection. I love that we are still crazy about each other, no matter what life has thrown at us along the way. And I love that some of our best times together can literally be at home doing nothing.

~ for Cooper, who left today for his week at Pine Cove Camp. He was thrilled to have the opportunity to go, and I know it will likely be the very best week of his summer. Praying for him to have a blast with his friends, and that he would receive all that the Lord has prepared for him while he is there. Sure gonna miss him this week.

Even as I actively choose joy and count my blessings, I’m ready to leave this week behind and am hoping for a far better week to come. Out of the blue, Tatum K started running fever on Wednesday. No other symptoms, just fever. As one would expect, a temp of 102.5° made our little spicy girl pretty droopy. All she has wanted was Mama’s lap and the “show-pad.” If she managed to move from my lap, she needed me holding her hand at all times. Another day of fever followed, then another. Today is Day 5. Since Wednesday, I think she has eaten 6 popsicles, 2 apple slices, half a yogurt, and a bowl of tomato soup.

Now listen, I have nine kids, we’ve had nearly every kind of bug AND we have survived cancer, so I’ve seen plenty of fevers. I know she’s OK. Her color is fine, no tummy symptoms, not complaining of any pain. She’s drinking well and having plenty of wet diapers, so she’s not dehydrated. I know that it’s most likely a virus, and that viruses just require supportive care and have to run their course. So I really didn’t feel the need to drag her to a clinic so that the pediatrician could tell me, “She has a virus, she needs supportive care, and it needs to run its course.“ I sound remarkably calm, right? Wrong, wrong, WRONG. Instead of cancer giving me a good perspective on not sweating the small stuff, cancer has wrecked me. During Sawyer’s treatment, fever was our mortal enemy. I watched for it like a hawk. I took Sawyer’s temperature AT LEAST DAILY when he looked well, hourly or more when he didn’t. And the panic clenched tighter with each rising degree if the thermometer began to inch closer to the magic number that would send us barreling back down the highway to the Dallas ER more times than I can count. That was my norm for 4 years. He’s had plenty of fevers since then, all completely normal and without incident, as have all the other children, including Tatum. And I’m sure I’ve had my share of moments of irrational fear. But this time has been different. I’ve really been trying to search it out and better understand myself and my reactions. Part of it is that she’s had no other symptoms. Other fevers have been in conjunction with colds, tummy bugs, teething. But there’s been something deeply unsettling about a fiery hot, rosy cheeked toddler laying wearily on my chest that sends me spiraling. And when I think back to how many days upon days I lived that with Sawyer, especially before we knew he was sick, it’s not really very mysterious.

So I sent a “please-talk-me-down-off-the-ledge“ text to our pediatrician. He was abundantly kind and gracious, even checking in on her via text each day. We talked through symptoms and lack there of, and what to watch for. I’m confident that she’s OK. Her fever has been significantly lower today, and she has perked up quite a bit. I knew she was ok before I texted him, but I still couldn’t shake that sticky, unsettling feeling of fear.

Why is that? Why do we still freak out when we know the truth? I think about how I get onto my girls when they panic every time it lightnings or thunders. It doesn’t matter how many times I reassure them, explain what causes lightning and thunder, or how many times I remind them that they are safe…they don’t believe me enough to stop being afraid. I would never think of admitting that I do not believe God enough to stop being afraid….but that is exactly what I’m doing. I’m not beating myself up, I just know that the more I honestly confess my struggles and confront the fears that relentlessly ambush me, the more Jesus will build my faith and further my healing. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. I love this quote from Ann Voskamp’s prayer, “We may not be fearless but we will be strong and courageous and faithful because our faith in You is greater than the fears in us.” And I openly share this because I know we are all working through our own junk.

Big praises to Jesus for our friend, Georgia, who is home after a wildly successful brain surgery on Monday! And big prayers needed for sweet Baby Lucas as he recovers from his first radiation treatment last week and has a big week ahead of scans and treatments. And for one friend who said the hardest goodbye to her baby boy last week, and another friend who is hoping to meet her son this week. Thank you for continuing to lift these precious families in prayer.

Thanks in advance for praying for Tatum K. As of 9pm, she’s still not fever-free, but this afternoon she was clearly feeling better.

Let’s pray to choose faith over fear this week. Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” Mark 9:23-24

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” II Timothy 1:7

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7

Encouraging Words

I am thankful

~ for breathtaking technicolor sunsets.

~for the freedom of summer. It’s still daunting to balance structure and flexibility in our days, but we really are having a great time.

~for a fun week of Vacation Bible School! The Littles had a blast with their crews and Cooper was on the Recreation Team. The GSM staff at Grace Community Church always puts on top notch events, and this year did not disappoint. As Sawyer has not yet completed Kindergarten, he wasn’t able to participate, so he and Tatum K had a little extra “Mama time” each night. We went on walks in our neighborhood with his patrol car, snacked on Frosty’s, and went to the Sonic playground. VBS always means a stretched schedule, hyper kiddos, and LAAAATE NIGHTS, but I love that they are all enjoying themselves with their friends and learning more about Jesus along the way.

~ for VBS “Family Night. The kids dined on hotdogs and snocones, and went crazy on waterslides. I’ve never let Sawyer participate on inflatables in a crowd before. Honestly, it was unspeakably hard for me. My anxiety attacks hit hard as I surveyed the masses of overstimulated children racing from one attraction to the next. My heart tightens again now as I write. No one ever seems to notice when I am freaking out, but Cooper was so kind. He reached over and squeezed my hand, “it’s gonna be ok Mom. Sawyer will be ok.” I’m not going to lie and pretend it was my favorite. But he had the time of his life. Big sister Samantha was his running buddy, and they and the others all jumped and climbed and raced and slid nonstop until they were soaked to the skin.

~ oh how a hungry heart yearns for encouragement. A kind VBS volunteer took the time to speak some thoughtful and edifying words about one of my children. It MAY HAVE BEEN the same child who had a rough week last week. And it MAY BE a child who doesn’t always inspire edifying words from their leaders. This gal spoke kindly and genuinely about my child, and her words were truly life-giving, as cool water on parched ground. It wasn’t a big deal to her…she was merely making an observation, a casual compliment. But to this weary mama, it was EVERYTHING.

~ for kind words from a kind stranger. A woman approached me out of the clamoring herd of sugar-and-waterslide-amped crazies at Family Night, introduced herself, saying, “You don’t know me, but I read your blog.” She spoke kindly about following along with our family, that she prays for us, thanked me for writing, and encouraged me to “keep it up.” I won’t forget that moment. Heather, I hope you’re reading this week. You blessed me so much! You didn’t have to speak up, take the time in a crowd, put yourself out there. But you did. You’ll never know how many times I wonder WHY on earth I’m writing these journals, wondering who in the world would care to read. And that day, at that very moment…I really needed that encouragement. You never know how your words may impact someone. We truly have been given the power of life and death in our tongues.

~ that I have found it extremely therapeutic to sit on the trampoline with a two-year-old. Hard to stay upset.

~ for a simultaneously harrowing and HILARIOUS adventure with the Tribe. We took an evening walk down our street, which has been under construction for several months as an extension is being added and new neighborhoods are being plotted out. The former cul de sac is barricaded off, and during the weekdays there is lots of tractor activity going on. But on this particular weekend evening, we decided to venture down the newly graveled road to check out the progress. It was a perfect evening, moderate temperatures, light breeze, right before sunset. The kids skipped along, and we all marveled at this new stretch of pavement that we had never seen before. Suddenly, Gavin squealed, “Ow! Something bit me!” I saw a giant horsefly buzzing behind him. I swatted at it, and it furiously continued to pursue Gavin, who took off at a run. Another swat, and I killed it. We have been bitten by these predatory bugs before, and their bites are super painful, and now everyone is terrified of them. About the same time as I swatted Gavin’s assailant, I saw Josh and Cooper running. “Horseflies!” they yelled. So we all started running back toward home. Off and on, each one of us were targeted: relentless angry buzzing around the back of our legs and necks. All the kids were screaming and twirling, trying to lose the flies. In between the screams, the rest of us were absolutely hysterically laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I’ve never seen my kids sprint so fast. I doubt we will venture down that path on our walks for a while!

~ for a loud and rowdy Cousin Crew for our kids to grow up with – and T shirts to prove it!

~ for the incredible growth I have witnessed in the young people in our church. This morning I could scarcely believe it…MORE THAN HALF of the worship team were teenagers! Carson Grace has been serving on the worship team for years, but now several others have stepped up, including Cooper running the soundboard, and one of his best friends had his first Sunday on the drums. I remember teaching all these kids when they were little, either in children’s church or Sunday school. And now they are grown, serving the Lord with their gifts. My heart is so full.

~ for a really special Father’s Day evening. We were all really bummed to find out that Josh had to work on Father’s Day, but planned to make the best of it and get together in the evening for burgers. Colton came over once he got off work, and it’s always such a blessing to have all our kids home. Dad’s menu: grilled burgers, Doritos, and yellow cupcakes with chocolate icing. After dinner, the kids one by one presented Dad with all his favorites: Martha White blueberry muffins, new outfit, pistachios, Oh’s cereal, beef jerky, cinnamon Trident, sunflower seeds, chocolate chip cookies, and a Whataburger gift card. They were each so tickled to bless him, and he was tickled and surprised at how well they know him. I love watching him be a dad. He loves us all so well. After all the Littles had shuffled off to bed, we had some time with the Bigs. And it got real. Really real. They opened up about some things, and we were able to listen and able to speak into their lives. Josh had a Word from the Lord that He put in his heart earlier in the day that was clearly prepared for THIS MOMENT. There were tears, and hugs, and it was proven that big kids are never ever too big for Mama’s lap. These are the moments that put gas in your tank when it’s empty, at least enough to get you over the next hill.

If you have an encouragement for someone…share it! Put some gas in their tank.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21

“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

“They’ve made me feel like a prisoner / They’ve made me feel set free

They’ve made me feel like a criminal / Made me feel like a king

They’ve lifted my heart / To places I’d never been

And they’ve dragged me down /Back to where I began

Words can build you up / Words can break you down

Start a fire in your heart or / Put it out

Let my words be life / Let my words be truth

I don’t wanna say a word / Unless it points the world back to You.”

(“Words” by Hawk Nelson)

Miracles

I am thankful:

~ for the 102 times a day that Tatum K cracks me up. Whenever she tastes something new, she will be so excited, “I try! I try!” But then she almost inevitably will reply, “No, I can’t like it.” And then sometimes, “I DO like it.” She is a bossy little jabberbox, and keeps us all on our toes. We are TRYING to make the transition into her crib in the room she’s always been planned to occupy (instead of my closet). But the closet is pitch black and pretty much soundproof, so sharing a room is a big change, and has led to great sleep deprivation on Mama’s part.

~ for a fun visit from Aunt Dinah. We chowed down on Mexican food and enjoyed the back patio. The kids and dog showed off their swimming, and we enjoyed our afternoon coffee with her delicious home-baked lemon pound cake.

~for an awesome surprise: Sawyer received a milestone gift from the Sadie Keller Foundation. Sadie Keller is an amazing 11-year-old girl who was diagnosed with leukemia in 2015, shortly after Sawyer. She has completed her treatment and is doing incredibly well. But she rose from the ashes of her fight with a burning desire to help other kids around the world. Sadie has traveled multiple times to visit senators and even the White House to increase awareness and advocacy for childhood cancer. She is a name you are going to know one day. Created by Sadie and her family, the Sadie Keller Foundation gives gifts to childhood cancer warriors when they reach milestones. And Sawyer received a gift for the miraculous accomplishment reaching the ACE (aftercare) unit. Imagine his excitement when he walked out the front door to see his very own police car! He was so excited, jumped right in, and drove right out the driveway! After he got over his initial excitement, he said, “I need to write Sadie a thank you card!” which he promptly did. He’s been patrolling the neighborhood ever since! Thank you Lord for the miracle of Sawyer’s life!

~for God‘s mercy when people do something not very smart. Or something actually very dumb. There may or may not have been an incident with the neighbor kid’s hoverboard. It may or may not have involved a certain mom (who shall remain anonymous) bragging about being good at it. And maybe, someone may or may not have may not have ended up flat on their back on the concrete driveway. Just a hypothetical of course. This would not be a good place to reference “though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” (Psalm 37:24). Perhaps instead “the Lord preserves the simple.“ (Psalm 116:6a)

~for Dad’s night to cook. Josh is a great cook, and everything he makes is delicious. We laughed at this particular menu, because it was a throwback to our early married years. Back then we were making Hamburger Helper with the 70/30 “chub” of ground beef, and we didn’t know we were supposed to drain the meat after browning. We’ve come a long way, baby! #mamahadsaladinstead

~for the fun I’ve been having with my camera. The children have been reading a lot about birds and nature, and their enthusiasm has been contagious. I’ve really been awestruck by the beauty of God‘s creation in my backyard, so I dug out my big lens on my DSLR camera. After a couple of days of photographing raindrops on elephant ears and our family of cardinals…basically I’m pretty much ready to send my work to National Geographic. I’m basically a wildlife photographer now. Josh can’t quit laughing at me. But it’s so fun! We haven’t captured a shot of Sawyer’s hummingbird yet, but it’s been to the feeder several times. We have witnessed courting lizards and newly hatched baby cardinals, and the stunningly intricate macrame of a spider’s web. (NO edits needed.)

~ for a lovely lunch with a sweet friend.

~ for MIRACLES!!!!! Our precious friend Georgia had a followup appointment this week, and the news was not what we were hoping for. But the next day after sharing discouraging news, Georgia’s mom shared an astounding update. I’ll share her words in the picture of her Facebook post below. And you can follow Georgia’s brave journey here. GOD IS AT WORK!!!!

We’ve gained some ground since last week by “turning autopilot off” and adding structure to our days at home. Morning devotional. 2 miles of running/walking/biking/strollering every morning. We’ve pulled out some flashcards and math pages and spelling websites for some “school,” and for now, all the Littles are eager to participate. I’m trying to have the older ones help the younger ones by quizzing and checking answers, and they sit with Sawyer and help him sound out the words in his books. I need to hold on to these days when my children are actually BEGGING me to LET THEM do school! I remember we had a great routine that worked really well for us last summer, but of course I don’t remember what we did! We will keep plugging along and figure out a rhythm.

Unfortunately, it’s been an ugly week of anxiety for me personally. Anxiety doesn’t care that I don’t have anything to be anxious about. Anxiety doesn’t care that I’m focusing on gratitude. It just stretches out it’s icy fingers around my heart and squeezes, out of nowhere, just for kicks. It almost invariably comes in waves, breaking over me again and again with relentless fury. When it hits me, I catch my breath and try to slow my breathing down. I turn on praise music and speak aloud the Name above all names, the Lover of my soul. “JESUS!” Sometimes I’m able to shout, and sometimes it’s all I can do to whisper. But as I write this I am reminded, I have survived 100% of these attacks! It wasn’t always pretty, but I have come out on the other side each time. I just mention this because I know many others wrestle with fear, depression, or anxiety; and I know there’s comfort in knowing you are not alone. Don’t lose heart. And I think it bears mentioning, because often we forget….

You have an enemy.

He is actively pursuing you.

He is good at what he does.

He’s a liar.

And he’s good at lying.

He tells you lies that you would believe.

He doesn’t usually waste time with the obvious, fraudulent lies that you can smell from a mile away. “God hates you.” “Nobody loves you.” But he is an expert at, “She doesn’t want a relationship with you.” “Nobody notices you.” “You don’t matter.” Or the opposite type of lie: “You’re better than them.” “You deserve to have everything you want.”

But let me also remind you of something that I hope you already know.

You also have a SAVIOR.

HE IS GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES.

HE IS ACTIVELY PURSUING YOU.

HE NEVER LIES. ALL HIS WORDS AND HIS WAYS AND HIS LOVES ARE TRUE.

BECAUSE HE’S GOOD AT THAT.

I am no evangelist or Bible scholar. But I know a miracle when I see one. I see one every time I look in the mirror. Because I know who I am and I know who I once was. I was dead and now I’m alive. And if that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

Be encouraged friends. Let’s love one another well this week.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“I love the LORD, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live. The pains of death surrounded me, And the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the LORD: “O LORD, I implore You, deliver my soul!” Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you. For You have delivered my soul from death, My eyes from tears, And my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD In the land of the living.” Psalms 116:1-9