What Can it Be?

What a week. I’m sorry for the vague/abrupt post last week with no follow up, but I’ve just genuinely been too overwhelmed/exhausted to post until now. Cooper is doing so much better, glory to the Lord. We are not exactly sure what his long-term recovery will look like, but we are hopeful and filled with great anticipation for all the Lord will do. And overwhelmed with gratitude at the many miracles He has done already. So let me explain how we got here. Settle in, because it’s a long story.

Saturday, our plan was to drive to Carthage to spend the day with family celebrating Mother’s Day. Cooper woke up with a headache, but we didn’t think it was any big deal. We made the drive and sat outside visiting. All was normal.

When we first arrived in Carthage on 5/8/2021

And at some point, Cooper started feeling worse and went and laid down in the guest room. A little bit later, he threw up. Our thought was, “Oh great. We have brought the stomach bug to the whole family. Aren’t we lovely.” In the interest of not spreading any more germs, we set Cooper up in his isolation station: a comfy patch of grass under a shade tree in the front yard. He already said he felt a little better after having thrown up, and said he wondered if it was food poisoning instead of a bug. He had gone out to eat with friends the night before. I periodically checked on him, making sure he had water, making sure he wasn’t getting sicker. And he said he felt back to 90%. But at some point, everything went South. The next time I went out to check on him, he looked up at me and said, “Where are we? None of this looks familiar.” Cooper has a reputation in our family as the funny guy. He’s been a funny guy at home. The funny guy at work. The funny guy at school. He’s got a great sense of humor, but like most young boys, doesn’t always have the discernment on the proper time and place to be funny. So I automatically assumed he was messing with me. I scolded him for concocting a crazy and not-even-slightly-believe-able story. But Cooper wasn’t playing. He didn’t recognize Gina‘s yard, and assured me that he had no memory of how we got to Carthage. As I pressed for more answers, he didn’t remember going out with friends the night before… For that matter, he didn’t seem to have any memory of the last month. Long term memory was intact. He knew everyone in our family, named all his siblings, knew where he worked and all about his music. But everything in the last month was gone. Not only that, he was asking the same questions over and over, “What day is it?” “Where am I?” “Do I keep falling asleep?” “Have I asked this question before?” By the time we could give the answers, he had already forgotten the questions, and would restart the process all over again. His memory seemed to be re-setting every three minutes or so. I can’t explain how baffling and terrifying it was. Could this be caused by extreme dehydration? Had he had a stroke? What if the memory loss was permanent? Did he have a brain tumor? As you can probably surmise, what we have been through with Sawyer had a great impact on how we processed this sudden crisis. We immediately went straight to the worst case scenarios in our mind. We no longer have the luxury of thinking, “cancer could never happen to us.” Instead, our hearts pounded as our minds raced with thoughts that screamed what we couldn’t allow ourselves to speak out loud, “Is this really happening to us AGAIN?”

Josh and Colton raced Cooper back to the Tyler ER. This is Miracle Number 1. I had wanted Colton to ride with us to Carthage. He had errands to run, and decided to drive himself separately. This was a huge blessing in the long run, because Josh and Colton were able to rush Cooper to Tyler immediately without having to wait and gather everyone else up. The rest of the family knew little of what was going on. All they knew was that Cooper wasn’t feeling great and was staying away so as not to get anyone else sick. They had no idea things had taken a turn and that something serious was going on. No one else had witnessed his frightening behavior. And what could I tell them? I had no explanation. As I had done countless times again and again since Sawyer’s diagnosis, I entered into an eerie stillness and quiet peace from the Lord. There was no freaking out. No tears. No panic. I was instantly a quiet soldier taking care of whatever had to be done so I could get to my son. The kids finished eating their dinner, cleaned up the pool toys, loaded the bus, and I got on the road to drive what felt like 10 million miles to get to my boy. And you better believe I turned my music on. The entire way to Tyler, I had one hand on the wheel and one hand raised to heaven. I praised God for who He was and who He is and for whatever He was going to do through this trial. Trust me, that was NOT ME. I am not that full of faith. I was not OK. But God was in control and He held my shattering heart in His hand. Battle mode. It’s indescribable unless you have been there and experienced it. I got the kids settled at home with Carson Grace, and Colton‘s girlfriend Brooke came to the house and drove me. Another blessing. I didn’t have to walk into that hospital alone. By the time I arrived, Cooper had already had a chest X-ray, urinalysis tox screen, lots of bloodwork drawn, EKG, and a head CT. He still was asking the same questions over and over, and repeating the same few things he could remember: “I work at Chick FilA, I make music, I have a studio at my house.” The exact same short conversation more than 200 times. Thankfully, at this point all tests have come back normal. The doctors were mystified. Cooper was admitted to the hospital and transported to a room around 1 AM. Josh went home to be with the children, and I stayed with Cooper. It was surreal settling into another vinyl recliner next to another hospital bed and IV pump with another of my children. BUT GOD.

Sunday morning brought a visit from the on-call pediatrician who, equally mystified, scheduled an EEG, MRI and spinal tap. We had already ruled out several things: tox screen confirmed there were no substances or drugs in his body, EKG had ruled out anything triggered by the heart arrhythmia we already knew he had, x-rays showed no blood clots in his lungs, CT showed no large masses or tumors. An EEG would look for disruptions in brainwave activity, MRI was looking for strokes, smaller tumors, or bleeds, and spinal tap would show anything abnormal in his spinal fluid. By this time Cooper had been pumped full of fluids and his personality was returning.

Thankful to have a sense of humor returning.

He had finally stopped asking the same repeated loop of questions. But his brain was still very foggy and many holes remained in his memory. After five horrific failed attempts at an unsedated spinal tap, I said “ENOUGH,” and Cooper was finally taken to a procedure room where he received general anesthesia and a successful spinal tap. Mama Bear was NOT PLEASED. Watching my son moan and cry out in pain while grinding his face into a pillow and gripping my hands so tightly I thought they might break was unbearable. BUT GOD.

Next came 2 MRIs which came back normal. Even though the spinal taps were excruciating and infuriating, we are truly thankful, because the spinal fluid was what finally yielded an answer.

The doctor thought it was strange that I took a picture. But as soon as Cooper woke up after the final procedure, he asked me, “what did the fluid look like?” I know my boy.

Abnormal lymphocytes found in the fluid. Of course the word “lymphocytes” sent another shock wave of panic through Josh and I, but the doctor quickly assured us that that did not mean cancer. It meant an infection. A virus from who-knows-where that was able to cross the barrier from the blood into the spinal column and cause brain inflammation, which then resulted in Cooper’s altered mental status and short term memory loss. Viral meningoencephalitis. And the treatment? There is none. The virus simply had to run its course. Thankfully, the fluids had done a good job of flushing it out of his system. And of course most importantly, Mighty God had His hand on Cooper. We still spent one more night in the hospital for observation and awaiting an official confirmation of the diagnosis from the neurologist Monday morning. She did confirm it, and that coupled with Cooper’s remarkable improvement bought him a ticket home Monday afternoon.

We couldn’t believe it. So much happened in such a short time. Such a sudden and terrifying onset of symptoms, and yet less than two full days later he seemed like himself. He was very weak, still somewhat foggy and a little confused, and as you can imagine, 6 spinal taps make for one heck of a backache. Looking back now a week later, we realize we overestimated how well he was doing.

He felt terrible all day Tuesday and landed back in the ER that night with an excruciating spinal headache. But a repeat CT showed that everything looked fine, and we were reassured that spinal headaches are common after one spinal tap, let alone six. Since then, Dr. Mom has strictly enforced rest and scheduled pain meds to stay ahead of the pain. I have given him three words each day to remember and recall to me throughout the day (sunflower/elephant/83), to monitor his ability to retain short-term memories. So far so good. He has slowly improved every day. Friday was supposed to be his last day of school, and he really wanted one last chance to see his friends before summer. He assured me he was up for it. With a pounding heart, I left him at the school that morning. After about two hours, he called me to come get him. But I was so proud that he tried, pleasantly surprised that he lasted that long, and pleased that he wasn’t too proud to call me when he’d had enough.

If you’ve hung in there long enough to get to the end of all this, let me close with a precious story that blessed me beyond measure. Cooper had told me weeks ago that he had ordered me a gift for Mother’s Day, but that he was sorry it would not make it on time, “but trust me, you’re gonna LOVE IT.” When we pulled into the driveway Monday afternoon from the hospital, he went straight to the mailbox and cheered, holding up an envelope. (He remembered!) That evening, after all the children gave me their handmade Mother’s Day cards, he presented me with that envelope. Inside was a decal he had custom designed for my gold coffee mug. “but God”

Thankfulness and joy to the Lord washed over my aching heart as I stared at the sticker. God knew. God knew the terrifying dark valley we would walk through with Cooper. And He never left us. He never left Cooper. He never left my shattered PTSD cancer-fearing heart as I sat in a hospital with my child. What a good, good Father. Hallelujah.

Thank you so much to all who called, texted, visited, brought meals, helped with kids, and lifted us in prayer. You have truly been the hands and feet of Jesus. We are all still a bit shell-shocked and exhausted from all that has happened in just a few short days, but we are amazed how, in the midst of the crisis, Josh and I experienced tender moments of bonding and closeness and even unexpected joy and laughter with Cooper and with Colton, who rose up, devotedly never leaving his brother’s side.

We rejoice in Cooper’s recovery, and we give God all the glory for carrying us through.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

Oh, and last Friday Coop dropped a new song. Love how passionate he is about his music. Give it a listen. It’s out on all platforms: Apple Music, YouTube, Spotify, SoundCloud. #proudmom https://open.spotify.com/album/2sjGNGO5YL10CNDASgShq4?si=ecqetkZlR42r-t8dpW9v_w

“And He said, “My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.”” (Exodus 33:14)

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!” (Psalms 27:13-14)

““The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him. The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is his name.”(Exodus 15:2-3)

Blessed Mama

Made it through another week. Another week of virtual school. Another week of quarantine. Another week that looked a whole lot like the weeks before it.

But just like all the weeks before it, God has been faithful.

I am thankful:

~ for the coffee that greets me every morning.

~ for morning Bible time to start each day. No matter what comes, at least I know we started with the first thing first.

~ for all my Indians.

~ for the faithful dedication of all our teachers and the school to provide our curriculum. I can’t even imagine how much extra work and out of their comfort zone it has been for them to create all this material and videos and links for their classes. What a strange and memorable year. I will be forever grateful for the way they have loved on my children.

~ for a kind friend who delivered farm fresh eggs right to my front door. And how nice to see a sweet smile that I have missed so much. Thank you Miss Debbie! And for tasty avocado egg toast!

~ for the pool. Absolutely NOT a need. I know we are abundantly blessed above and beyond to have this luxury right in our backyard. What an incomparable blessing for the kids to be able to just run out there and burn off steam. They can get their energy out and get plenty of vitamin D after their schoolwork is done. It’s also a powerful bargaining tool for mom. Not done with your work? Then you ain’t swimmin. Grateful for gorgeous sunny afternoons.

~ for Mexican toilet paper. (We seriously can’t find any normal toilet paper anywhere!)

~ for kind people during this strange season. How surreal it is to drive around and see people everywhere with masks and gloves. You can’t gauge much about the countenance of a person with half their face covered. But I’ve seen so many kind eyes. I’m so thankful for people who are going above and beyond to keep others safe while doing their jobs.

~ for our neighbor’s sunflower and how happy it makes my little sunshine girl.

~ for a fun afternoon of Minute to Win It Challenges with the kids. Daily challenges had been provided by our school, but I saved them up for one big Rucker Tribe Challenge. We all had a ball. You can watch the full video here.

~ for perfectly chilled coconut cream pie made with LOVE.

~ for photos to forever commemorate Tatum K’s first time through the car wash. Sheer terror followed by complete joy when it was over. Shame on us for laughing at that poor baby.

It’s been a good Mother’s Day. Home church, fresh bagels, and sunshine set the tone. We ended the day with all 9 kids home for a meal of colorful grilled kabobs and wild rice, and will finish with me eating ANOTHER perfect piece of coconut pie in my bed.

I looked back at what I wrote on the blog last Mother’s Day, and it makes me laugh how true it rings again this year (and last year there was NO PANDEMIC going on!)

“My legs need shaving, my grey needs colored, my floor needs mopped, and my bed’s not made. And I will be 100% honest and say I usually don’t fully appreciate my life. I am short-tempered and impatient and overwhelmed. Too many questions, too much laundry, too many squabbles and the sippy cup is always lost. But today. Today I have been so thankful. Yes, my plate is full, but I see my cup that overflows with blessing. My house is a mess, but it’s bursting at the seams with the people I love. I have no idea why God has given me so many hearts to be responsible for, and most days the task completely terrifies me. I am VASTLY UNQUALIFIED. But I know that the confidence in myself that is lacking is ECLIPSED by the confidence I have in Him. He gave me all these babies. I don’t know why I am so blessed, but all I can do is thank Him and do my best every day. And when my best isn’t good enough, His grace will meet me there. I’m pretty much the most blessed mama on the planet.”

Thinking of all the different kinds of moms today. Most moms don’t have the picture perfect day and the picture perfect family. Every mama I know is broken in some way. Longing for a child. Lost a child. Lost their mother. Strained relationships. Complicated emotions that are hard to talk about. Things just not going how they imagined, or just so much harder than they expected. It’s ok if you don’t feel like a great mom. Most moms don’t. But whatever season we are in, we need to stop measuring ourselves against one another, or against some externally constructed idol of how our lives should be. And none of us are alone – someone else out there is struggling too.

Be where you are. And be there as well as you can. Trust that God knows what He’s doing. And be kind to one another and to yourself.

And this morning, on Mother’s Day of all days, one of our beautiful little Gold Network Heroes, after a long and hard-fought battle, went home to be with Jesus. PLEASE PRAY for his mama and family, today and every day. I hate cancer.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer Nor His lovingkindness from me.” (Psalms 66:19-20)

“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalms 61:1-2)

A Blessed Mess of a Mama

Why do I start every Sunday gratitude with the sentence… “Wow! What a busy week!”???? With a family this size, I think we can rest confidently that it’s usually going to be busy. I just need to accept that fact. But whether you have one kid or 21, the end of school season can get wild. So buckle up, this post is about to make you tired…

I am thankful:

~ for 15 Giddyup & Whoa Mother’s Day orders.

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For “Graces Races,” our GCS end-of-school field day for each grade. Monday 1st grade, Tuesday – 3rd grade, Wednesday – 2nd grade, Thursday – 4th grade. And I made it to each one. Granted, a couple in time for the snowcone finale… But at least my kiddos knew I was there. They all had such a great time with their friends doing balloon and scooter and gunnysack relays. The elementary children will have their last day of school this coming Wednesday. Where did this school year go?

~ for great softball game/senior night for Carson Grace. So proud to take the field with our beautiful girl and celebrate the end of her high school career. Then the Cougar girls played a tremendous game and walked away with their first playoff win!

~for a great birthday dinner celebrating Colton. His schedule last week didn’t permit, but this week we had a tasty meal of his choice: crescent chicken, sweet potato fries, and yellow cake with chocolate icing.

~for another great choir concert, this time for Cooper and the Junior High. Such a talented group of students!

~ Of course the highlight of this week was Wednesday, which was Sawyer‘s quarterly Oncology Clinic visit. Bloodwork confirmed that he is CANCER FREE! Glory to God! This was Sawyer‘s first visit on the ACE unit (After Cancer Experience), otherwise known as the Survivors Unit. This is truly a miraculous milestone we never dared dream we would see. You can read my Caringbridge post with full details from the day here.

~ I’m thankful for God’s protection on the drive, and I’m very thankful I didn’t know how dangerous the storms were until AFTER I was safely home! I know I would have panicked. My back hurt for 2 days from clutching the steering wheel.

~ for Nurse Appreciation Week. Our nurses are our family, and we love them passionately. No amount of words or gifts can measure the impact they make on the lives they touch. We ❤️ Nurses!

~ for Carson Grace’s Senior Awards Assembly. How incredible to see 100% of her class has been accepted into various colleges, from Texas to Alabama to Illinois. The Admissions Counselor from ETBU came from Marshall to present Carson Grace with her Academic and Christian Leadership Scholarships. And that same day, she took her very last final, and is officially DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL! Just unreal. It was a hard fought battle to get her to this point, and she’s wrestled through a lot over the past couple years, but she made it, and we are SO PROUD!

If you’re still with me, are you tired yet? Oh no, we’re not done yet. Not even close!

~ thankful for Cooper’s 8th Grade Year End Assembly. The students heard from each of their amazing teachers (there really is a unique and passionate breed of teacher who chooses to minister to Jr. High students). They reminded the kids how loved they are by the Lord, and that they are so valuable to the Kingdom. The teachers, coaches, and faculty spoke with so much enthusiasm and heart, it was incredibly moving, and I’m freshly reminded how grateful I am that Cooper has been loved so well by this faculty. I pray for him as he steps into High School next fall, that he will walk confidently in who he is, and stay the bright, one-of-a-kind individual he’s always been. Oh, and he is THRILLED to be done with school for the year.

~ for 2 fun end of year parties done. 5 to go. From trampoline parks to the rock gym, they have a blast with their friends.

~ for a whirlwind Saturday: Carson Grace traveled with her team to Rockwall for Softball Playoff game, Cougars DOMINATED for another victory, and then turned around and rushed back to Tyler in the rain so the girls could get ready for PROM! Seriously!!?? What a day! Thankfully there was just enough time, and Carson Grace transformed in her room from a softball champion, emerging as a stunning vision in her ballgown. At the country club where the dance was held, the Senior class and their dates gathered to take a group photo, and the emotions got really real. It seemed like yesterday that all these kids were posing for class pictures on the playground. Or on a fire truck. Gone are the pigtails and missing teeth and skinned up knees with Disney bandaids. Instead they were beautiful grown young men and ladies. They were poised and stunning and were arrayed in their finest. And they took my breath away. Somebody please stop time.

And now that I’ve survived this marathon week of mayhem, it’s Mother’s Day. I’ve earned some stripes this week for sure. Mother’s Day can stir up such varied emotions for different people: longing-to-be mothers, first-time mothers, children who have lost their mothers and mothers who have lost their children, mamas with strained relationships, and those who have chosen not to be mothers. Not everybody gets breakfast in bed and a new candle.

At this moment at my house, there’s marinated fajita steak on the grill, and ALL MY KIDS ARE HOME. There are saturated towels, clothes, and shoes strewn all over the patio and three dripping mermaid tails hanging on the fence. Yelling kids on the trampoline, yelling kids chasing a soggy mess of a dog, kids staring at their phones, kids cracking up over Snapchat filters. My legs need shaving, my grey needs colored, my floor needs mopped, and my bed’s not made. And I will be 100% honest and say I usually don’t fully appreciate my life. I am short-tempered and impatient and overwhelmed. Too many questions, too much laundry, too many squabbles and the sippy cup is always lost. But today. Today I have been so thankful. Yes, my plate is full, but I see my cup that overflows with blessing. My house is a mess, but it’s bursting at the seams with the people I love. I have no idea why God has given me so many hearts to be responsible for, and most days the task completely terrifies me. I am VASTLY UNQUALIFIED. But I know that the confidence in myself that is lacking is ECLIPSED by the confidence I have in Him. He gave me all these babies. I don’t know why I am so blessed, but all I can do is thank Him and do my best every day. And when my best isn’t good enough, His grace will meet me there. I’m pretty much the most blessed mama on the planet.

Oh, and today I got to take a nap in my hammock.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children.” Isaiah 54:13