9 Years of Gratitude

(**Full disclosure, the whole time I was writing this, I was thinking it had been 10 years. Which obviously feels like a big milestone. Bigger than 9. But this is how I was feeling, so here goes…probably just recycle this post next year when it’s actually been 10.)

9 years.

August 10, 2014 was the day I heard the Lord tell me I needed to start thanking Him.

In the midst of the darkest season of our lives, just weeks into our 8 month old baby’s cancer treatment, He told me to thank Him. I was living in the hospital 2 hours away from my husband and my family. Sawyer was receiving round the clock chemotherapy treatment for a cancer he had a slim chance of surviving. Our comfortable, predictable life as we knew it was over, replaced with a life of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and scary words like spinal tap, bone marrow, and blood transfusion.

I could feel myself sinking.

Sinking into despair.

Sinking into self pity.

Sinking into a dark hole of fear and loneliness.

But my loving Father loved me too much to let me slip away.

As I lay on the clammy blue vinyl cot beside Sawyer’s hospital crib, in the middle of another sleepless night spent watching the clock and the IV pump managing the toxic drugs that were simultaneously saving and attacking my baby’s frail body, I heard God tell me to thank Him for this trial.

Pictures from home hung on Sawyer’s hospital wall

And that’s how Sunday Gratitude was born.

Some weeks giving thanks is as easy as breathing. The colors of the sunset were vibrantly on fire. The most delicious meal looked just as beautiful as it tasted. The project went well, the kids were sweet, and the Lord spoke so clearly I couldn’t miss Him.

But this is real life.

Sometimes it goes sideways.

Sometimes circumstances are hard and dark and ugly.

Sometimes circumstances are fine, but it’s my own heart that’s hard and dark and ugly.

Like every family, we have ups and downs, successes and failures, highlights and bloopers. We have good weeks, and some really bad ones.

I can’t tell you how many Sunday nights I have spent staring at a blank screen, wondering how I was going to find something positive to say.

But God.

He’s just so good, y’all. Because He’s always there. Even if all I can thank Him for is my cup of coffee and the color of the sky, He gives me the ability to do that.

Because no matter what it all looks like, no matter what storms come, no matter how bleak (or how WONDERFUL) life is at any given moment…

HE IS WORTHY.

It doesn’t matter how thankful I feel.

HE IS GOOD.

Cultivating a heart of gratitude is a lifelong process. Even though I’ve had this blog and an audience for accountability for almost a decade, it still doesn’t always come easily. Fiery darts in the form of crippling anxiety and chronic PTSD, along with the relentless cares of this world are ever seeking to rob my joy and squelch my testimony.

But God.

I won’t do it perfectly. But I will praise Him. I will fall, but I will praise Him in the dirt. I will freak out and forget everything I have learned, but He will remind me and I will repent and praise Him again. I will get prideful and start acting like I’ve got it all together, and once I’m done looking and sounding like a fool, I will praise the One who deserves it.

Thank You Jesus, for Who You Are and all You have done. I don’t deserve Your grace, but I’m so so thankful for it.

Thank You for 9 years with Sawyer, 9 years with our family, 9 years of growth, 9 years with all of you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” (Isaiah 25:1)

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.” (Psalms 86:12)

Summer’s End

I am thankful:

~ for another sweet Birthday Girl! Our Brown-Eyed-Girl, Zoe, had a great day. Zoe is our quiet one, easily letting herself slip into the background. But she loves that on her birthday, she is the star! And we all enjoyed her menu of choice – dad’s grilled hamburgers and salad, followed by rich chocolate layer cake. Excited to see what God has in store for our girl.

~ for precious puppies. Birdie is such a good mama. And thankful for a comfy spot for me to nest with them for the next few weeks.

~ for lots and lots of projects. There is never a lack of things to work on here on the farm. Last summer was spent building the barn, and this year we still have plenty to do to make this place our little haven. I love that the kids can jump right in. They are learning so much, far beyond the useful and practical skills they THINK they’re learning.

~ for our latest additions to the barnyard and companions for Clarence: our geese, Jack and Diane, and new duck, Leroy.

~ for some divine dining with my love.

~ for the opportunity to be a part of a special wedding of some dear friends. I’m no florist, but I jumped into that role in a leap of faith, and had the most wonderful time. It was a lovely wedding, beautifully put together but not overdone. No pomp. No ego-maniacal bridezilla desperate for the spotlight. Just a delightful couple in love with Jesus and each other, with a fiercely supportive close-knit family supporting them. The simple elegance of this family and the blissfully old-fashioned sentiment of the day will linger with me long after the fragrance of the peonies and eucalyptus have faded. (But what a lovely scent indeed!)

~ thankful to celebrate my retirement from the wedding business.

~ for lingering beauty and crops hanging on despite the drought. Almost everything is desperately fading and crispy, but our little sweet corn harvest is getting close, and one stunning cosmos continues to show off. I love this bright spot in the garden.

Summer is quickly fading away. I don’t ever remember a busier summer. Ever. It makes me crave simplicity. A slower pace. I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever achieve with our supersized Tribe and supersized schedule, but I know that simplifying is more of a heart condition than anything else. Shaking off the extras and holding fast to what really matters. And married to MY HUSBAND, a “slower pace” isn’t going to mean sitting in my rocking chair. It will be more like sitting beside him on the scaffolding hanging soffit. And coffee. Always coffee.

But there’s no place I’d rather be.

Whatever season you find yourself: glorious mountaintop or lonely valley, busier than busy or quieter than quiet, there is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalms 46:10)

Dude!

Dude! I’m so thankful!

We had the best time taking a group of 60 cancer kids and their families to Fort Worth to the Dude Perfect Panda-Monium Tour!

So thankful for supporters of Gold Network of East Texas for making it possible for us to provide epic fun for the bravest kids on the planet!

(Oh, and Bear and Birdie welcomed their 5th – and final – litter of minigoldendoodle puppies! 8 sweet babies!)

Let me just say, I’m thankful. AND I’M TIRED!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.” (Psalms 89:8)

“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” (Psalms 16:7-8)

July 23

It’s not a day we celebrate.

But it’s a day we never ever forget.

Cancerversary.

How can this day still knock me out year after year? I cannot express how much I hate that I am still FLATTENED every July 23. There is such a huge part of me that sneers, “Get over it! He’s here! He’s fine! It’s in the past! Thank God for his healing and move on!”

We have SO MUCH that we praise God for! They said he wouldn’t survive the day. BUT GOD! We have our beautiful boy, and 9 years later he is still here living his best life!

But on July 23, I just stay stuck. Stuck reliving every shell-shocked moment of that day. It’s like re-watching a movie when the worst part is about to happen. I want to shout at the unsuspecting characters what I know is coming, “Watch out! You’re about to be hit by a train!”

That is always what I go back to. We never saw it coming. We had no idea that life as we knew it was about to end and would never ever be the same. July 23, 2014 BC. Before Cancer. The steel toe kick to the stomach and the concrete truck sitting on my chest.

The emotions of cancerversary remind me to give thanks and to love big because you never what what’s around the corner.

They remind me that I’m not who I was 9 years ago, and I never will be. Cancer changed my DNA and that’s ok.

They remind me that even though I will never ever understand why this happened to my baby, God is big enough for my questions, my hurt, my anger, and even my unbelief.

They remind me that out of the worst and darkest season of our life were birthed some of the deepest, most genuine and priceless relationships we could never have expected and that would never have developed any other way. And that Sawyer and his story have touched more hearts and opened more doors for the Gospel to go forth than we will ever know.

I didn’t remind Sawyer the significance of this date today. As he has gotten a little older, his emotions have gotten bigger, and I can tell he’s starting to wrestle through some feelings he can’t fully understand. He asks more questions about cancer. About death. I don’t want to stir anything up unnecessarily. He didn’t even notice that I stared at him a little more today, hugged him a little tighter and a little longer, or that I left my sunglasses on even when it wasn’t bright.

I am thankful and I am broken. I am strong. And I am so, so tired of being strong.

Today at church, I wrapped my arms around Sawyer (probably a little too tight) as he stood in front of me during worship. I could feel his little chest rise and fall, and the vibration of each word as he sang from a pure and innocent heart, “I love You Lord for Your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. From the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, I will sing of the goodness of God.”

And I know he really means it. And so do I. God really is good, all the time. Even when we don’t understand.

I pray I will one day be free of all fear and dread. That one day I will stop holding my breath. That I will allow myself to imagine Sawyer growing up to be a man. And I pray that I will not transfer any of my burdens onto my beautiful son; that my hangups will never hold him back from all the Lord has for his life.

I look forward to the day when Jesus will wipe away every tear, and no child will ever again be diagnosed with or lost to cancer.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” (Mark 9:24)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.” (1 Samuel 1:27-28)

Clarence

If you’ve followed our moving-to-the-country journey, you know that getting animals has been one of the most exciting parts for all of us. We now have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 goats, 16 chickens, and a duck named Clarence.

Clarence was a rescue duckling. Someone had saved him from a cat attack and dropped him off at Tractor Supply, hoping he’d find a home.

There’s a sucker born every minute.

How could I resist a lone orphan duckling that arrived AT THE EXACT MOMENT I was at Tractor Supply with my kids letting them pick out their baby chicks?

The sales associate assured me: the duckling could eat the same food as our chicks; he could live in the same coop as our chicks; and he’d be fine without a pond. “He’ll think he’s a chicken!” she said.

Clarence thinks he’s a chicken.

We’ve tried numerous times to put him in a dish of water. He hates the water. Chickens don’t like to get wet.

We are considering getting a couple more ducks, so Clarence can have friends who look like him, and help him to build meaningful relationships within his species. I’m also quite taken with the idea of getting some geese. Babies of course. All these waterfowl could help teach Clarence that HE IS NOT IN FACT A CHICKEN.

My amazing husband surprised me one day this week with a giant hole in the chicken yard. A POND FOR CLARENCE!

Among the countless trash and treasure items left on the property by the previous owners was a large stock tank. Josh spent over an hour digging down roughly 4 feet through about a bazillion layers of rock solid Texas clay. In the 102° blazing heat. For a single duck who hates the water. Because he thinks he’s a chicken.

I love that man.

It took several tries to get it the right depth. Finally we filled it to the top with water. And put Clarence in it.

It went EXACTLY as expected.

The next morning, we went out to the chicken yard to find the pond completely empty and bone dry.

It had cracked.

Several layers of silicone, and it was patched up. Time to try again. I thought I’d give Clarence another little water-aversion-therapy as we refilled the tank. He actually did ok!

A few more tries, some good, some not so good. The pond is holding water well, and all the chickens enjoy drinking out of their new, large, deep water dish.

And today, my heart exploded. I watched Clarence waddle up to his pond. He literally acted nonchalant…

walking away, then back, looking to see if anyone was watching. First a little sip of water,

then a little hop! Right into the water, swimming in circles, swishing his little webbed feet.

Then he ducked his head down, and with a splash, DISAPPEARED to the bottom!

After several second, he SHOT out of the pond straight up in the air, flapping his wings, and hit the ground running franticly.

He did what he was meant to do for the very first time, and it scared him to death.

I think we are like that sometimes. We see what others are doing, and we want to be like them. We measure ourselves against others, and we wonder why OUR EFFORTS don’t match THEIR RESULTS.

BUT GOD.

God made each one of us uniquely gifted to fill the role He created us for. And sometimes, no matter how badly we want to act like a chicken and look like a chicken and surround ourselves with chickens, WE WERE MADE TO BE A DUCK and do duck things instead of chicken things.

May we find joy and purpose in what God has for us.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

Oh, and we also are pretty sure that Clarence is a girl.

“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”(1 Corinthians 12:4-6)

“Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” (1 Corinthians 12:15-18, 27)

Dig

I am thankful.

~ for a good week on the farm. We were gifted some mature hens from a friend, and we were thankful to welcome Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.

We’ve started letting all the chickens out to free range for a few hours in the evening, and it’s so fun to watch them explore and forage and then one by one, put themselves to bed in their coop.

~ our little garden is doing great, even in the unseasonably early heatwave.

~ not a bad little harvest, including OUR FIRST TWO EGGS! I wish I had captured the looks on each of the kids’ faces! Lord, help me to never forget their absolute joy and surprise. Priceless.

~ for Sam and Kora’s favorite week of the entire year: Pine Cove! For the first time ever, I’ve got 2 at the same camp. So very thankful these sweet girls get to go to camp. They are such a help to me, but they can just get away and enjoy themselves in the most beautiful setting. I pray this will be a week of fun, friendship, relaxation, and a deepening of their relationship with Jesus.

~ for more beautiful wildlife…can you spot the friend in this picture?

~ for our first summer trip to the library. Everybody came home with new books to enjoy. I love this tradition.

~ for a great day celebrating our favorite Dad. It was a peaceful day, with a few simple projects, a Texas Rangers win, and finished with a feast: chicken fried steak & taters and another hot, buttery blackberry crumble with ice cream.

It’s really summer.

Being out here on our little farm, we love the setting and the wildlife and the beauty.

Some things just seem really simple.

But man, is it ever a lot of WORK.

Like it’s a constant battle. Constant repairs. Fighting the bugs. Outsmarting the varmints. Maintaining the property. Tending to the animals. Keeping up with the onslaught of weather and weeds and blistering Texas heat and my gaggle of hungry, messy kids.

I love the story our pastor tells, how he raised his 5 sons on the saying, “We LIKE hard work!”

It’s good to get hot and sweaty from working hard. For your back to feel tired and your legs a little sore. To have dirt under your fingernails, and maybe even a blister or two.

It’s good to have to dig.

Because that’s where the good stuff is.

That’s where the good worms are for fishing. That’s where you find the good soil, once you get past the weeds.

That’s where the treasure is.

I don’t want to stay on the surface, in the shallow, exerting myself as little as possible.

I want to dig deep. Into the Word. Into Jesus. Into Life.

It’s work. But it’s so, so worth it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:7-9)

“The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us.” (Psalms 67:6)

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.” 1 Chronicles 28:20a

Almost Perfect

I am thankful:

~ for our annual exhausting, fun-filled week of Vacation Bible School! Big kids all had jobs, Littles had a blast in their crews, and I cooked and served the pre-VBS meal for 70ish volunteers and their families every night. It was an awesome week of fun and fellowship and Jesus, and I’m so thankful we all got to be a part!

~ for a fun double date with dear friends.

~ for such a fun night with our HERO buddies at the Little Wranglers Party. Always thankful for these amazing kids and their families to be celebrated.

~ for a delicious farm to table feast: buttery blueberry pancakes and rich, savory sausage from you-know-what!🐗

~ for an almost perfect, simple country afternoon: playing with the chickens,

sitting under the walnut tree listening to Cooper

while taking pictures of some new friends,

while kids fished in the creek for the first time.

It was ALMOST perfect because I’ve got two sick ones this weekend.

But I’m thankful. Thankful for run-of-the-mill sickness that will pass. Thankful for healthy immune systems that will bounce back stronger. Every day is a gift. I don’t take any of it for granted. Dear Lord, we DO have so much to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalms 27:13-14)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

Farmer-ish

I think this was the “most farmer-ish” week we’ve had yet. I still can’t believe this has all happened inside one week.

I’m so thankful:

~ for our first “harvest.” A bell pepper from our little garden…

first handful of blueberries from my Mother’s Day bushes…

and finally enough wild blackberries (we’ve been stockpiling in the freezer since last summer) to make the most delicious blackberry crisp, elevated to next level status by fresh-churned homemade salted vanilla ice cream.

~ for the best spot to sit and watch an afternoon shower.

Or a late night downpour.

~ for my city kids first experience shucking sweet corn. How has this never happened before? How have I failed them for so long?

~ for animal control. We have 3 less creepy crawlies on our farm (killed one myself!) And that’s 3 in 2 days!

Don’t come at me about these being non-venomous, I’ve got too many goats, chickens, dogs, and CHILDREN to be selective. If we find a snake, we are going to ELIMINATE IT. (Sawyer delighted in being the “measuring tape.”)

~ and the craziest project we’ve tackled as a family yet: crazier than a drastic move, crazier than building a barn, crazier than converting a rat hole into a casita…baiting and trapping 7 wild hogs.

AND THEN, after a crash YouTube course, butchering and processing them into fresh ground pork and pork sausage! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE!???

I still can’t believe we are here. Look at this place exactly one year ago.

We had plans for this place, plans for a life in the country with our kids… but OUR vision was SO SMALL.

I look out on the land and every single day I discover something new.

A new wildflower, a new tree, new bird, new terrifying varmint.

The kids love their new binoculars and all they can observe (Tatum K insists she can see better with them backwards).

It’s far from perfect and certainly not always charming and picturesque. Something’s always breaking and somebody’s usually griping, and half the people in my house are teenagers.

But it’s so so good.

Lord, let me savor the moments that will be gone in a blink.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” (Psalms 25:4-5)

“I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”” (Psalms 16:2)

Summer Breeze

I am thankful:

~ for a perfect, perfect afternoon breeze. For Texas Rangers game in the background. For bluebirds on the feeder and kids playing in the sprinkler. For a hot cup of coffee while I sit in my rocking chair and just listen. Soaking in this moment and trying to imprint it deep in my mind.

~ for an AWESOME trip to Dallas to deliver the Gold Network ETX Oncology Clinic Toy Drive donation to Children’s Hospital! You all helped us gather more than 3000 toys, our largest donation yet! It was awesome to collect, count, photograph, pray over, box up, load, and deliver all these toys, knowing the smiles they will bring to kids in the hospital. THANK YOU to everyone who donated!

~ and for an epically delicious trip to Maple & Motor for the best burgers.

~ for a wonderful night of food and fellowship with our CONNECT childhood cancer caregiver support group. We ended up with a “support local” theme, with the best BBQ from Stanley’s Famous Pit BBQ, best cakes and cookies from Laurel & Pearl, and best gourmet caramel apples from The Apple Gal. I treasure these fellowships, because the relationships built and encouragement shared are truly life changing.

~ for my sweet husband surprising me with the most charming little solar lanterns along the goat fence. Aren’t they so cute?

~ for fun (and some not-so-fun) finds in the country. Been enjoying transplanting pretty things we find growing wild into our garden and flowerbeds.

Life is busy and often complicated. Anxiety shows up unannounced and tries to derail joy. But God. Steady. Faithful. True. He gives bright moments, moments of peace, moments of beauty. They are always there if we choose to see. Thank You Father, for a cool breeze on a summer day.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalms 16:11)

Commencement

When we talk about “commencement,” as applied to graduation, we think “the end. The end of school, the end of an era, the closing of a chapter.

But the word commencement actually means “a beginning.”

This weekend, Cooper graduated high school, and stepped into a new beginning.

Cooper is such a bright light. He is hilarious, uniquely gifted, and is equally unwavering and outspoken in his convictions. He is not afraid to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what is expected. He has challenged us, challenged his teachers, challenged his peers. And (usually) in a GOOD WAY. He challenges me with hard questions and challenges me to trust him when I think he’s crazy. The boy is CRAZY. Crazy smart. Crazy talented. Crazy cool. He is totally one of a kind.

Some people will look at him and not be able to see past the painted fingernails or bleached hair. If they make the egregious error of judging this book by the highly unconventional cover, MAN will they miss out on an incredible story!

Coop plans to move out soon, has a couple of job opportunities to choose from, and has big plans to work hard on his music and producing skills. He’s been a musician for years and has been honing his skills and putting himself out there as an artist.

Most importantly, Cooper trusts the Lord. He has firmly anchored his faith, and knows that God’s plan will ALWAYS be better than his. He understands, “BUT GOD…”

THAT’S why I’m so excited to see Cooper “COMMENCE.”

Even if it wrecks me to see my little Coopy grow up, and my heart can hardly stand the thought of that season coming to an end, I’m ready for this Cooper to BEGIN.

It’s gonna be GOOD, y’all. You’re gonna want to say you knew this kid. I can’t WAIT to see what God has in store for and through this amazing young man I get to call my son.

We love you, Cooper. (Give him a listen & if you’re intrigued, give him a follow. He is streaming on all platforms. @davvec)

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:21)

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

““Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)