We had the best time taking a group of 60 cancer kids and their families to Fort Worth to the Dude Perfect Panda-Monium Tour!
So thankful for supporters of Gold Network of East Texas for making it possible for us to provide epic fun for the bravest kids on the planet!
(Oh, and Bear and Birdie welcomed their 5th – and final – litter of minigoldendoodle puppies! 8 sweet babies!)
Let me just say, I’m thankful. AND I’M TIRED!
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“Who is like you, Lord God Almighty? You, Lord, are mighty, and your faithfulness surrounds you.” (Psalms 89:8)
“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” (Psalms 16:7-8)
How can this day still knock me out year after year? I cannot express how much I hate that I am still FLATTENED every July 23. There is such a huge part of me that sneers, “Get over it! He’s here! He’s fine! It’s in the past! Thank God for his healing and move on!”
We have SO MUCH that we praise God for! They said he wouldn’t survive the day. BUT GOD! We have our beautiful boy, and 9 years later he is still here living his best life!
But on July 23, I just stay stuck. Stuck reliving every shell-shocked moment of that day. It’s like re-watching a movie when the worst part is about to happen. I want to shout at the unsuspecting characters what I know is coming, “Watch out! You’re about to be hit by a train!”
That is always what I go back to. We never saw it coming. We had no idea that life as we knew it was about to end and would never ever be the same. July 23, 2014 BC. Before Cancer. The steel toe kick to the stomach and the concrete truck sitting on my chest.
The emotions of cancerversary remind me to give thanks and to love big because you never what what’s around the corner.
They remind me that I’m not who I was 9 years ago, and I never will be. Cancer changed my DNA and that’s ok.
They remind me that even though I will never ever understand why this happened to my baby, God is big enough for my questions, my hurt, my anger, and even my unbelief.
They remind me that out of the worst and darkest season of our life were birthed some of the deepest, most genuine and priceless relationships we could never have expected and that would never have developed any other way. And that Sawyer and his story have touched more hearts and opened more doors for the Gospel to go forth than we will ever know.
I didn’t remind Sawyer the significance of this date today. As he has gotten a little older, his emotions have gotten bigger, and I can tell he’s starting to wrestle through some feelings he can’t fully understand. He asks more questions about cancer. About death. I don’t want to stir anything up unnecessarily. He didn’t even notice that I stared at him a little more today, hugged him a little tighter and a little longer, or that I left my sunglasses on even when it wasn’t bright.
I am thankful and I am broken. I am strong. And I am so, so tired of being strong.
Today at church, I wrapped my arms around Sawyer (probably a little too tight) as he stood in front of me during worship. I could feel his little chest rise and fall, and the vibration of each word as he sang from a pure and innocent heart, “I love You Lord for Your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. From the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, I will sing of the goodness of God.”
And I know he really means it. And so do I. God really is good, all the time. Even when we don’t understand.
I pray I will one day be free of all fear and dread. That one day I will stop holding my breath. That I will allow myself to imagine Sawyer growing up to be a man. And I pray that I will not transfer any of my burdens onto my beautiful son; that my hangups will never hold him back from all the Lord has for his life.
I look forward to the day when Jesus will wipe away every tear, and no child will ever again be diagnosed with or lost to cancer.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” (Mark 9:24)
“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.” (1 Samuel 1:27-28)
(First of all, I’m so sorry I dropped the ball last week with Sunday Gratitude. May be the first Sunday I have missed in almost 10 years! The mid-week holiday threw me for a loop, and I never could quite figure out what day it was! Especially since we were preparing for the week ahead…)
This picture can only mean ONE THING!
It was vacation week! This year’s destination was a highly anticipated trip to memory lane. Josh grew up most of his childhood traveling to the Frio River at Garner State Park.
One of the most desirable state parks in Texas, Garner is a time capsule, harkening back to a simpler era. The setting is breathtakingly beautiful, with chiseled limestone cliffs towering above crystal clear icy water.
The night sky defies description. Took my breath away. (Photo via Garner FB)
White rock beaches line the river’s edge and periodically among the towering cypress trees, you can spot long, rugged ropes, beckoning you to climb up and take a flying leap into the sparkling Frio below.
Can you spot Cooper?
After a day of baking in the Texas heat, what better way to end each evening than with country dancing! Like a scene from a movie, string lights hang from an ancient live oak over the iconic dance pavilion built in the 1930s, and country classics croon from an “old-timey” jukebox. Josh was astounded that not a thing had changed in the 28 years since he’d last visited the park.
Can you spot young Josh in this 1980s postcard photo?Even my baby girl!😳😭
The week was incredible + hot + exhilarating + exhausting.
So grateful for a lifetime of memories made. (Hated that we were missing Colton this week, but he is actually in ALASKA on a work assignment!)
Quotes from the week:
Regarding sleeping in the tent on Night 1, “It’s so hot in here…the only option…is to die!” Tatum K
When we found out someone called a dance partner by the wrong name, “Well, in my fence, it was really loud.” Gavin
As soon as a song started playing at the dance, “Well…time for my charm!” Sawyer
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
““But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)
If you’ve followed our moving-to-the-country journey, you know that getting animals has been one of the most exciting parts for all of us. We now have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 goats, 16 chickens, and a duck named Clarence.
Clarence was a rescue duckling. Someone had saved him from a cat attack and dropped him off at Tractor Supply, hoping he’d find a home.
There’s a sucker born every minute.
How could I resist a lone orphan duckling that arrived AT THE EXACT MOMENT I was at Tractor Supply with my kids letting them pick out their baby chicks?
The sales associate assured me: the duckling could eat the same food as our chicks; he could live in the same coop as our chicks; and he’d be fine without a pond. “He’ll think he’s a chicken!” she said.
Clarence thinks he’s a chicken.
We’ve tried numerous times to put him in a dish of water. He hates the water. Chickens don’t like to get wet.
We are considering getting a couple more ducks, so Clarence can have friends who look like him, and help him to build meaningful relationships within his species. I’m also quite taken with the idea of getting some geese. Babies of course. All these waterfowl could help teach Clarence that HE IS NOT IN FACT A CHICKEN.
My amazing husband surprised me one day this week with a giant hole in the chicken yard. A POND FOR CLARENCE!
Among the countless trash and treasure items left on the property by the previous owners was a large stock tank. Josh spent over an hour digging down roughly 4 feet through about a bazillion layers of rock solid Texas clay. In the 102° blazing heat. For a single duck who hates the water. Because he thinks he’s a chicken.
I love that man.
It took several tries to get it the right depth. Finally we filled it to the top with water. And put Clarence in it.
It went EXACTLY as expected.
The next morning, we went out to the chicken yard to find the pond completely empty and bone dry.
It had cracked.
Several layers of silicone, and it was patched up. Time to try again. I thought I’d give Clarence another little water-aversion-therapy as we refilled the tank. He actually did ok!
A few more tries, some good, some not so good. The pond is holding water well, and all the chickens enjoy drinking out of their new, large, deep water dish.
And today, my heart exploded. I watched Clarence waddle up to his pond. He literally acted nonchalant…
walking away, then back, looking to see if anyone was watching. First a little sip of water,
then a little hop! Right into the water, swimming in circles, swishing his little webbed feet.
Then he ducked his head down, and with a splash, DISAPPEARED to the bottom!
After several second, he SHOT out of the pond straight up in the air, flapping his wings, and hit the ground running franticly.
He did what he was meant to do for the very first time, and it scared him to death.
I think we are like that sometimes. We see what others are doing, and we want to be like them. We measure ourselves against others, and we wonder why OUR EFFORTS don’t match THEIR RESULTS.
BUT GOD.
God made each one of us uniquely gifted to fill the role He created us for. And sometimes, no matter how badly we want to act like a chicken and look like a chicken and surround ourselves with chickens, WE WERE MADE TO BE A DUCK and do duck things instead of chicken things.
May we find joy and purpose in what God has for us.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
Oh, and we also are pretty sure that Clarence is a girl.
“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”(1 Corinthians 12:4-6)
“Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” (1 Corinthians 12:15-18, 27)
~ for a good week on the farm. We were gifted some mature hens from a friend, and we were thankful to welcome Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.
We’ve started letting all the chickens out to free range for a few hours in the evening, and it’s so fun to watch them explore and forage and then one by one, put themselves to bed in their coop.
~ our little garden is doing great, even in the unseasonably early heatwave.
~ not a bad little harvest, including OUR FIRST TWO EGGS! I wish I had captured the looks on each of the kids’ faces! Lord, help me to never forget their absolute joy and surprise. Priceless.
~ for Sam and Kora’s favorite week of the entire year: Pine Cove! For the first time ever, I’ve got 2 at the same camp. So very thankful these sweet girls get to go to camp. They are such a help to me, but they can just get away and enjoy themselves in the most beautiful setting. I pray this will be a week of fun, friendship, relaxation, and a deepening of their relationship with Jesus.
~ for more beautiful wildlife…can you spot the friend in this picture?
~ for our first summer trip to the library. Everybody came home with new books to enjoy. I love this tradition.
~ for a great day celebrating our favorite Dad. It was a peaceful day, with a few simple projects, a Texas Rangers win, and finished with a feast: chicken fried steak & taters and another hot, buttery blackberry crumble with ice cream.
It’s really summer.
Being out here on our little farm, we love the setting and the wildlife and the beauty.
Some things just seem really simple.
But man, is it ever a lot of WORK.
Like it’s a constant battle. Constant repairs. Fighting the bugs. Outsmarting the varmints. Maintaining the property. Tending to the animals. Keeping up with the onslaught of weather and weeds and blistering Texas heat and my gaggle of hungry, messy kids.
I love the story our pastor tells, how he raised his 5 sons on the saying, “We LIKE hard work!”
It’s good to get hot and sweaty from working hard. For your back to feel tired and your legs a little sore. To have dirt under your fingernails, and maybe even a blister or two.
It’s good to have to dig.
Because that’s where the good stuff is.
That’s where the good worms are for fishing. That’s where you find the good soil, once you get past the weeds.
That’s where the treasure is.
I don’t want to stay on the surface, in the shallow, exerting myself as little as possible.
I want to dig deep. Into the Word. Into Jesus. Into Life.
It’s work. But it’s so, so worth it.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:7-9)
“The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us.” (Psalms 67:6)
“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.” 1 Chronicles 28:20a
~ for our annual exhausting, fun-filled week of Vacation Bible School! Big kids all had jobs, Littles had a blast in their crews, and I cooked and served the pre-VBS meal for 70ish volunteers and their families every night. It was an awesome week of fun and fellowship and Jesus, and I’m so thankful we all got to be a part!
~ for a fun double date with dear friends.
~ for such a fun night with our HERO buddies at the Little Wranglers Party. Always thankful for these amazing kids and their families to be celebrated.
~ for a delicious farm to table feast: buttery blueberry pancakes and rich, savory sausage from you-know-what!🐗
~ for an almost perfect, simple country afternoon: playing with the chickens,
sitting under the walnut tree listening to Cooper
while taking pictures of some new friends,
while kids fished in the creek for the first time.
It was ALMOST perfect because I’ve got two sick ones this weekend.
But I’m thankful. Thankful for run-of-the-mill sickness that will pass. Thankful for healthy immune systems that will bounce back stronger. Every day is a gift. I don’t take any of it for granted. Dear Lord, we DO have so much to be thankful for.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalms 27:13-14)
“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)
I think this was the “most farmer-ish” week we’ve had yet. I still can’t believe this has all happened inside one week.
I’m so thankful:
~ for our first “harvest.” A bell pepper from our little garden…
first handful of blueberries from my Mother’s Day bushes…
and finally enough wild blackberries (we’ve been stockpiling in the freezer since last summer) to make the most delicious blackberry crisp, elevated to next level status by fresh-churned homemade salted vanilla ice cream.
~ for the best spot to sit and watch an afternoon shower.
Or a late night downpour.
~ for my city kids first experience shucking sweet corn. How has this never happened before? How have I failed them for so long?
~ for animal control. We have 3 less creepy crawlies on our farm (killed one myself!) And that’s 3 in 2 days!
Don’t come at me about these being non-venomous, I’ve got too many goats, chickens, dogs, and CHILDREN to be selective. If we find a snake, we are going to ELIMINATE IT. (Sawyer delighted in being the “measuring tape.”)
~ and the craziest project we’ve tackled as a family yet: crazier than a drastic move, crazier than building a barn, crazier than converting a rat hole into a casita…baiting and trapping 7 wild hogs.
AND THEN, after a crash YouTube course, butchering and processing them into fresh ground pork and pork sausage! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE!???
I still can’t believe we are here. Look at this place exactly one year ago.
We had plans for this place, plans for a life in the country with our kids… but OUR vision was SO SMALL.
I look out on the land and every single day I discover something new.
A new wildflower, a new tree, new bird, new terrifying varmint.
The kids love their new binoculars and all they can observe (Tatum K insists she can see better with them backwards).
It’s far from perfect and certainly not always charming and picturesque. Something’s always breaking and somebody’s usually griping, and half the people in my house are teenagers.
But it’s so so good.
Lord, let me savor the moments that will be gone in a blink.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” (Psalms 25:4-5)
“I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”” (Psalms 16:2)
~ for a perfect, perfect afternoon breeze. For Texas Rangers game in the background. For bluebirds on the feeder and kids playing in the sprinkler. For a hot cup of coffee while I sit in my rocking chair and just listen. Soaking in this moment and trying to imprint it deep in my mind.
~ for an AWESOME trip to Dallas to deliver the Gold Network ETX Oncology Clinic Toy Drive donation to Children’s Hospital! You all helped us gather more than 3000 toys, our largest donation yet! It was awesome to collect, count, photograph, pray over, box up, load, and deliver all these toys, knowing the smiles they will bring to kids in the hospital. THANK YOU to everyone who donated!
~ and for an epically delicious trip to Maple & Motor for the best burgers.
~ for a wonderful night of food and fellowship with our CONNECT childhood cancer caregiver support group. We ended up with a “support local” theme, with the best BBQ from Stanley’s Famous Pit BBQ, best cakes and cookies from Laurel & Pearl, and best gourmet caramel apples from The Apple Gal. I treasure these fellowships, because the relationships built and encouragement shared are truly life changing.
~ for my sweet husband surprising me with the most charming little solar lanterns along the goat fence. Aren’t they so cute?
~ for fun (and some not-so-fun) finds in the country. Been enjoying transplanting pretty things we find growing wild into our garden and flowerbeds.
Life is busy and often complicated. Anxiety shows up unannounced and tries to derail joy. But God. Steady. Faithful. True. He gives bright moments, moments of peace, moments of beauty. They are always there if we choose to see. Thank You Father, for a cool breeze on a summer day.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalms 16:11)
~ for my handsome son turning TWENTY FOUR! Am I ACTUALLY thankful for this? Because when I say it (or type it) it just makes me feel DESPERATELY OLD!
I just really can’t believe it. Colton is a man. Grown. Fully independent and on his own. I look at him and still see the baby that I carried in a laundry basket from my apartment to the laundromat.
It feels like a million years ago, but it was yesterday. I’m thankful he still likes his old mom and dad, and that he chose to spend his birthday with the fam. Crescent chicken, sweet potato fries with homemade ranch, and fresh baked cream puffs was his menu of choice, and we had a great time celebrating him. (Even if he ended the evening getting pounded in ping pong by 9 year old Sawyer.)
~ for the sweet smell of honeysuckle after the rain.
~ for snuggles from our farm babies after a hard week.
~ for the chickies (and duck) graduating from the brooder to their coop. They are hilarious to watch, gangly awkward “tweens” with oversized feet and feathers that don’t fit. It’s fun to watch them grow and get used to their new space.
~ for my brave husband who works his tail off, even doing what he hates the MOST – anything involving heights! His latest project is closing in the gable at the end of the barn and completing the soffits all the way around. Most of this job takes place 14-20 feet in the air. We will celebrate BIG TIME when this job is completed!
~ for such a special, exciting season for Cooper. He’s such an amazing kid. He’s had the best Senior year, interning with his high school principal,
speaking in Jr. High chapel,
and has kept his social calendar FULL. Senior Prom was last weekend, and he had a blast, taking a great friend for his date and enjoying the night with a whole group of friends.
This week he and buddies did their “Senior Prank,” with permission from (and chaperoned by) the principal.
And then his very LAST day of school.
LAST day of schoolFIRST day of school
Where did my little Coopy go? So proud of the decisions he has made, the role model he is for his younger siblings (and more others than we are aware of I’m sure), and his courage to be himself no matter what others are doing. He is ready to be out on his own, working and spending time really digging into his music and producing. I can’t wait to see God’s plan unfold in Cooper’s life. I know it’s gonna be GOOD!
Last fall we seeded a rocky, hilly area of the farm with wildflower seeds, a mix of red clover, blue bonnets, black eyed Susan’s, etc. It’s awesome to see more brilliant colors pop up every day, along with all the other incredible treasures that come to visit.
One of the seeds listed among the seed mixture was the Poppy. Poppies are my absolute favorite. I loved finding them growing in my youth in Southern Minnesota, but I’ve yet to see one in Texas, so I was not overly optimistic that any would grow. This week my heart was so happy to see our very first tiny poppy!
It was followed by another little cutie, and other, and then later in the week, two gorgeous full-sized beauties burst forth in all their flamboyant glory!
I couldn’t help but just feel like they were a gift. Truly, a gift from the Lord. I think He loves to surprise us, give us what we secretly hope for, knock our socks off with His creativity and generosity. And do we notice? And if we DO notice, do we actually GIVE HIM THE CREDIT, or do we casually dismiss it all as coincidence? Happenstance? Luck? I know sometimes, far too often, I’m so focused on the pressing “needs” and the latest catastrophe that I’m fretting about that I miss the gifts right in front of me. He didn’t have to give me a poppy. But He gave me 5!
Lord, give me eyes to see Your gifts all around me, and remind me to take the time to pause and actually THANK YOU for them.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
“Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let them say among the nations, “The Lord reigns!” Let the sea resound, and all that is in it; let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them! Let the trees of the forest sing, let them sing for joy before the Lord, for he comes to judge the earth. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.” (1 Chronicles 16:31-34)
“For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” (Romans 11:36)
Wednesday was his bi-annual oncology follow up appointment, and he got an A+. It’s always wonderful to see his care team, they are family to us. And I know it brings them so much joy to see Sawyer growing and thriving today. They saw him through the darkest, scariest days that we all wish we could forget. It’s always on my mind how difficult their jobs are. These doctors and nurses see the unthinkable and keep coming back anyway. They fall in love with their patients even when they try to guard their hearts, which is why their care is so personal and so compassionate. But that depth of compassion means that the hurts cut more deeply than they ever let anyone see. But still they keep pouring themselves out, caring for the sickest of the sick every day. So humbly grateful.
So anyway, the visit was great. And we found a fantastic new-to-us burger joint, and thankfully made it home before all the tornado warnings.
But the rest of this week…y’all. Y’ALL.
This week’s theme: God is good no matter what. No matter the circumstances. No matter the bumps in the road.
We had a lot of bumps this week.
And I didn’t handle it well. In the middle of a stormy, raging sea, I was sinking fast. Because I kept taking my eyes off Jesus.
Everything, JUST EVERYTHING, felt hard and discouraging. Being a farmer is hard. Being a mom is hard.
BUT GOD.
No matter what’s going on, from the big tragedies and losses to the maddening everyday irritations we face, God is good.
I can sit in my rocker and listen to the whippoorwill.
I can see a family where there once was none.
I can see His beauty in a wildflower.
I get to fall asleep beside my best friend in the whole wide world.
I can look in the mirror and see the lost girl He redeemed.
So I’m thankful. I’m thankful that He reminds me of Who He is when I start to forget. He doesn’t let me drown and just say, “Guess you should’ve trusted Me. You had your chance.” He reaches out His hand to me and says, “I know this is hard, but it’s not gonna stay this way. Let Me hold you a little closer through this part. It gets better, you’ll see. JUST WATCH.”
If our hope is in Jesus, our best days are always before us. Because we know the end of the story.
No matter what bumps lie ahead. It’s gonna be GLORIOUS.
Thanks for giving thanks with me.
““Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”” (Matthew 14:29-31)
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus / Look full in His wonderful face / And the things of earth will grow strangely dim / In the light of His glory and grace” (Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus)
Sundaygratitude 