I Didn’t Want to go to Church Today.

I didn’t want to go to church today.

Just being honest. And I bet you’ve all been there.

This week has been hard. We are going through a hard season. Not “my-baby-has-cancer” hard, but still hard. And sometimes when you’ve been through an unfathomably hard season like that, you struggle with guilt in the “regular-sized” hard seasons. Like somehow surviving a truly devastating trial should have made you immune to struggle for the rest of your life.

I should have rock solid faith.

I should be unshakeable.

I write about gratitude every single week. It should come naturally.

All those things may well be true. But life happens. Strength wanes. Perspective skews. Like the constant pounding of waves against a shoreline, bravery gets eroded little by little by the relentless pounding of the daily grind.

The Texas heat this summer is oppressive. The earth is scorched and panting for rain. Doesn’t it feel like it will be like this forever? Don’t you sometimes wonder if it will ever rain again? Sometimes our hearts can feel like that dry, parched desert. It’s so easy to forget the well-watered seasons of plenty. And you best believe the day will come when we will once again find ourselves complaining of the cold, or how inconvenient the rain can be.

So anyway, recent circumstances left me feeling dried up, weary, and defeated. And this morning, staying in bed with the covers over my head sounded a lot more appealing than pulling myself together and putting on a forced brave face at church.

But God.

My perfect Father, as any good dad would, reminded me that hiding was not the answer, that fellowship in His House with His people was exactly what I needed.

And wouldn’t you know it? Why was I surprised that the sermon met me right where I was? The story of Peter, who had walked in person side by side with Jesus. Who had heard the Words of Life spoken directly from the lips of the Savior, and who experienced miracle after miracle from the One he called Friend. This man had every reason to ALWAYS be FULL OF FAITH. He KNEW Jesus.

He’d fed the 5000 with Jesus. He’d seen the dead raised and the sea stilled. And now he was walking upon the water, toward Jesus, looking straight into His eyes!

Yet he doubted.

He got scared.

For a moment, he forgot all he had seen, all he had learned. He started focusing on what he (Peter) could do instead of what Jesus could do.

Isn’t that where we go wrong?

He is able. He is faithful. He is good. He is WORKING. He is reaching for you.

Wherever you find yourself today, in a season of rest, of joy, of peace, or one of deep darkness, grief, and loneliness. A season of frustration with minor inconveniences or one of truly life altering catastrophe. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to not be brave sometimes.

Just don’t quit.

God often does His best work in the dark. He is drawing something out of you, building something into you, something for your good and for His glory. Refreshing is coming.

My circumstances haven’t changed. But at least my eyes are back where they’re supposed to be.

On Him.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalms 94:18-19)

““Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”” (Matthew 14:29-31)

“O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.” (Psalms 63:1)

9 Years of Gratitude

(**Full disclosure, the whole time I was writing this, I was thinking it had been 10 years. Which obviously feels like a big milestone. Bigger than 9. But this is how I was feeling, so here goes…probably just recycle this post next year when it’s actually been 10.)

9 years.

August 10, 2014 was the day I heard the Lord tell me I needed to start thanking Him.

In the midst of the darkest season of our lives, just weeks into our 8 month old baby’s cancer treatment, He told me to thank Him. I was living in the hospital 2 hours away from my husband and my family. Sawyer was receiving round the clock chemotherapy treatment for a cancer he had a slim chance of surviving. Our comfortable, predictable life as we knew it was over, replaced with a life of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and scary words like spinal tap, bone marrow, and blood transfusion.

I could feel myself sinking.

Sinking into despair.

Sinking into self pity.

Sinking into a dark hole of fear and loneliness.

But my loving Father loved me too much to let me slip away.

As I lay on the clammy blue vinyl cot beside Sawyer’s hospital crib, in the middle of another sleepless night spent watching the clock and the IV pump managing the toxic drugs that were simultaneously saving and attacking my baby’s frail body, I heard God tell me to thank Him for this trial.

Pictures from home hung on Sawyer’s hospital wall

And that’s how Sunday Gratitude was born.

Some weeks giving thanks is as easy as breathing. The colors of the sunset were vibrantly on fire. The most delicious meal looked just as beautiful as it tasted. The project went well, the kids were sweet, and the Lord spoke so clearly I couldn’t miss Him.

But this is real life.

Sometimes it goes sideways.

Sometimes circumstances are hard and dark and ugly.

Sometimes circumstances are fine, but it’s my own heart that’s hard and dark and ugly.

Like every family, we have ups and downs, successes and failures, highlights and bloopers. We have good weeks, and some really bad ones.

I can’t tell you how many Sunday nights I have spent staring at a blank screen, wondering how I was going to find something positive to say.

But God.

He’s just so good, y’all. Because He’s always there. Even if all I can thank Him for is my cup of coffee and the color of the sky, He gives me the ability to do that.

Because no matter what it all looks like, no matter what storms come, no matter how bleak (or how WONDERFUL) life is at any given moment…

HE IS WORTHY.

It doesn’t matter how thankful I feel.

HE IS GOOD.

Cultivating a heart of gratitude is a lifelong process. Even though I’ve had this blog and an audience for accountability for almost a decade, it still doesn’t always come easily. Fiery darts in the form of crippling anxiety and chronic PTSD, along with the relentless cares of this world are ever seeking to rob my joy and squelch my testimony.

But God.

I won’t do it perfectly. But I will praise Him. I will fall, but I will praise Him in the dirt. I will freak out and forget everything I have learned, but He will remind me and I will repent and praise Him again. I will get prideful and start acting like I’ve got it all together, and once I’m done looking and sounding like a fool, I will praise the One who deserves it.

Thank You Jesus, for Who You Are and all You have done. I don’t deserve Your grace, but I’m so so thankful for it.

Thank You for 9 years with Sawyer, 9 years with our family, 9 years of growth, 9 years with all of you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” (Isaiah 25:1)

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.” (Psalms 86:12)

Summer’s End

I am thankful:

~ for another sweet Birthday Girl! Our Brown-Eyed-Girl, Zoe, had a great day. Zoe is our quiet one, easily letting herself slip into the background. But she loves that on her birthday, she is the star! And we all enjoyed her menu of choice – dad’s grilled hamburgers and salad, followed by rich chocolate layer cake. Excited to see what God has in store for our girl.

~ for precious puppies. Birdie is such a good mama. And thankful for a comfy spot for me to nest with them for the next few weeks.

~ for lots and lots of projects. There is never a lack of things to work on here on the farm. Last summer was spent building the barn, and this year we still have plenty to do to make this place our little haven. I love that the kids can jump right in. They are learning so much, far beyond the useful and practical skills they THINK they’re learning.

~ for our latest additions to the barnyard and companions for Clarence: our geese, Jack and Diane, and new duck, Leroy.

~ for some divine dining with my love.

~ for the opportunity to be a part of a special wedding of some dear friends. I’m no florist, but I jumped into that role in a leap of faith, and had the most wonderful time. It was a lovely wedding, beautifully put together but not overdone. No pomp. No ego-maniacal bridezilla desperate for the spotlight. Just a delightful couple in love with Jesus and each other, with a fiercely supportive close-knit family supporting them. The simple elegance of this family and the blissfully old-fashioned sentiment of the day will linger with me long after the fragrance of the peonies and eucalyptus have faded. (But what a lovely scent indeed!)

~ thankful to celebrate my retirement from the wedding business.

~ for lingering beauty and crops hanging on despite the drought. Almost everything is desperately fading and crispy, but our little sweet corn harvest is getting close, and one stunning cosmos continues to show off. I love this bright spot in the garden.

Summer is quickly fading away. I don’t ever remember a busier summer. Ever. It makes me crave simplicity. A slower pace. I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever achieve with our supersized Tribe and supersized schedule, but I know that simplifying is more of a heart condition than anything else. Shaking off the extras and holding fast to what really matters. And married to MY HUSBAND, a “slower pace” isn’t going to mean sitting in my rocking chair. It will be more like sitting beside him on the scaffolding hanging soffit. And coffee. Always coffee.

But there’s no place I’d rather be.

Whatever season you find yourself: glorious mountaintop or lonely valley, busier than busy or quieter than quiet, there is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalms 46:10)

Garner

I am thankful:

(First of all, I’m so sorry I dropped the ball last week with Sunday Gratitude. May be the first Sunday I have missed in almost 10 years! The mid-week holiday threw me for a loop, and I never could quite figure out what day it was! Especially since we were preparing for the week ahead…)

This picture can only mean ONE THING!

It was vacation week! This year’s destination was a highly anticipated trip to memory lane. Josh grew up most of his childhood traveling to the Frio River at Garner State Park.

One of the most desirable state parks in Texas, Garner is a time capsule, harkening back to a simpler era. The setting is breathtakingly beautiful, with chiseled limestone cliffs towering above crystal clear icy water.

The night sky defies description. Took my breath away. (Photo via Garner FB)

White rock beaches line the river’s edge and periodically among the towering cypress trees, you can spot long, rugged ropes, beckoning you to climb up and take a flying leap into the sparkling Frio below.

After a day of baking in the Texas heat, what better way to end each evening than with country dancing! Like a scene from a movie, string lights hang from an ancient live oak over the iconic dance pavilion built in the 1930s, and country classics croon from an “old-timey” jukebox. Josh was astounded that not a thing had changed in the 28 years since he’d last visited the park.

Can you spot young Josh in this 1980s postcard photo?

The week was incredible + hot + exhilarating + exhausting.

So grateful for a lifetime of memories made. (Hated that we were missing Colton this week, but he is actually in ALASKA on a work assignment!)

Quotes from the week:

Regarding sleeping in the tent on Night 1, “It’s so hot in here…the only option…is to die!” Tatum K

When we found out someone called a dance partner by the wrong name, “Well, in my fence, it was really loud.” Gavin

As soon as a song started playing at the dance, “Well…time for my charm!” Sawyer

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Clarence

If you’ve followed our moving-to-the-country journey, you know that getting animals has been one of the most exciting parts for all of us. We now have 2 dogs, 2 cats, 4 goats, 16 chickens, and a duck named Clarence.

Clarence was a rescue duckling. Someone had saved him from a cat attack and dropped him off at Tractor Supply, hoping he’d find a home.

There’s a sucker born every minute.

How could I resist a lone orphan duckling that arrived AT THE EXACT MOMENT I was at Tractor Supply with my kids letting them pick out their baby chicks?

The sales associate assured me: the duckling could eat the same food as our chicks; he could live in the same coop as our chicks; and he’d be fine without a pond. “He’ll think he’s a chicken!” she said.

Clarence thinks he’s a chicken.

We’ve tried numerous times to put him in a dish of water. He hates the water. Chickens don’t like to get wet.

We are considering getting a couple more ducks, so Clarence can have friends who look like him, and help him to build meaningful relationships within his species. I’m also quite taken with the idea of getting some geese. Babies of course. All these waterfowl could help teach Clarence that HE IS NOT IN FACT A CHICKEN.

My amazing husband surprised me one day this week with a giant hole in the chicken yard. A POND FOR CLARENCE!

Among the countless trash and treasure items left on the property by the previous owners was a large stock tank. Josh spent over an hour digging down roughly 4 feet through about a bazillion layers of rock solid Texas clay. In the 102° blazing heat. For a single duck who hates the water. Because he thinks he’s a chicken.

I love that man.

It took several tries to get it the right depth. Finally we filled it to the top with water. And put Clarence in it.

It went EXACTLY as expected.

The next morning, we went out to the chicken yard to find the pond completely empty and bone dry.

It had cracked.

Several layers of silicone, and it was patched up. Time to try again. I thought I’d give Clarence another little water-aversion-therapy as we refilled the tank. He actually did ok!

A few more tries, some good, some not so good. The pond is holding water well, and all the chickens enjoy drinking out of their new, large, deep water dish.

And today, my heart exploded. I watched Clarence waddle up to his pond. He literally acted nonchalant…

walking away, then back, looking to see if anyone was watching. First a little sip of water,

then a little hop! Right into the water, swimming in circles, swishing his little webbed feet.

Then he ducked his head down, and with a splash, DISAPPEARED to the bottom!

After several second, he SHOT out of the pond straight up in the air, flapping his wings, and hit the ground running franticly.

He did what he was meant to do for the very first time, and it scared him to death.

I think we are like that sometimes. We see what others are doing, and we want to be like them. We measure ourselves against others, and we wonder why OUR EFFORTS don’t match THEIR RESULTS.

BUT GOD.

God made each one of us uniquely gifted to fill the role He created us for. And sometimes, no matter how badly we want to act like a chicken and look like a chicken and surround ourselves with chickens, WE WERE MADE TO BE A DUCK and do duck things instead of chicken things.

May we find joy and purpose in what God has for us.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

Oh, and we also are pretty sure that Clarence is a girl.

“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”(1 Corinthians 12:4-6)

“Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” (1 Corinthians 12:15-18, 27)

Dig

I am thankful.

~ for a good week on the farm. We were gifted some mature hens from a friend, and we were thankful to welcome Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.

We’ve started letting all the chickens out to free range for a few hours in the evening, and it’s so fun to watch them explore and forage and then one by one, put themselves to bed in their coop.

~ our little garden is doing great, even in the unseasonably early heatwave.

~ not a bad little harvest, including OUR FIRST TWO EGGS! I wish I had captured the looks on each of the kids’ faces! Lord, help me to never forget their absolute joy and surprise. Priceless.

~ for Sam and Kora’s favorite week of the entire year: Pine Cove! For the first time ever, I’ve got 2 at the same camp. So very thankful these sweet girls get to go to camp. They are such a help to me, but they can just get away and enjoy themselves in the most beautiful setting. I pray this will be a week of fun, friendship, relaxation, and a deepening of their relationship with Jesus.

~ for more beautiful wildlife…can you spot the friend in this picture?

~ for our first summer trip to the library. Everybody came home with new books to enjoy. I love this tradition.

~ for a great day celebrating our favorite Dad. It was a peaceful day, with a few simple projects, a Texas Rangers win, and finished with a feast: chicken fried steak & taters and another hot, buttery blackberry crumble with ice cream.

It’s really summer.

Being out here on our little farm, we love the setting and the wildlife and the beauty.

Some things just seem really simple.

But man, is it ever a lot of WORK.

Like it’s a constant battle. Constant repairs. Fighting the bugs. Outsmarting the varmints. Maintaining the property. Tending to the animals. Keeping up with the onslaught of weather and weeds and blistering Texas heat and my gaggle of hungry, messy kids.

I love the story our pastor tells, how he raised his 5 sons on the saying, “We LIKE hard work!”

It’s good to get hot and sweaty from working hard. For your back to feel tired and your legs a little sore. To have dirt under your fingernails, and maybe even a blister or two.

It’s good to have to dig.

Because that’s where the good stuff is.

That’s where the good worms are for fishing. That’s where you find the good soil, once you get past the weeds.

That’s where the treasure is.

I don’t want to stay on the surface, in the shallow, exerting myself as little as possible.

I want to dig deep. Into the Word. Into Jesus. Into Life.

It’s work. But it’s so, so worth it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:7-9)

“The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us.” (Psalms 67:6)

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.” 1 Chronicles 28:20a

Almost Perfect

I am thankful:

~ for our annual exhausting, fun-filled week of Vacation Bible School! Big kids all had jobs, Littles had a blast in their crews, and I cooked and served the pre-VBS meal for 70ish volunteers and their families every night. It was an awesome week of fun and fellowship and Jesus, and I’m so thankful we all got to be a part!

~ for a fun double date with dear friends.

~ for such a fun night with our HERO buddies at the Little Wranglers Party. Always thankful for these amazing kids and their families to be celebrated.

~ for a delicious farm to table feast: buttery blueberry pancakes and rich, savory sausage from you-know-what!🐗

~ for an almost perfect, simple country afternoon: playing with the chickens,

sitting under the walnut tree listening to Cooper

while taking pictures of some new friends,

while kids fished in the creek for the first time.

It was ALMOST perfect because I’ve got two sick ones this weekend.

But I’m thankful. Thankful for run-of-the-mill sickness that will pass. Thankful for healthy immune systems that will bounce back stronger. Every day is a gift. I don’t take any of it for granted. Dear Lord, we DO have so much to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalms 27:13-14)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

Farmer-ish

I think this was the “most farmer-ish” week we’ve had yet. I still can’t believe this has all happened inside one week.

I’m so thankful:

~ for our first “harvest.” A bell pepper from our little garden…

first handful of blueberries from my Mother’s Day bushes…

and finally enough wild blackberries (we’ve been stockpiling in the freezer since last summer) to make the most delicious blackberry crisp, elevated to next level status by fresh-churned homemade salted vanilla ice cream.

~ for the best spot to sit and watch an afternoon shower.

Or a late night downpour.

~ for my city kids first experience shucking sweet corn. How has this never happened before? How have I failed them for so long?

~ for animal control. We have 3 less creepy crawlies on our farm (killed one myself!) And that’s 3 in 2 days!

Don’t come at me about these being non-venomous, I’ve got too many goats, chickens, dogs, and CHILDREN to be selective. If we find a snake, we are going to ELIMINATE IT. (Sawyer delighted in being the “measuring tape.”)

~ and the craziest project we’ve tackled as a family yet: crazier than a drastic move, crazier than building a barn, crazier than converting a rat hole into a casita…baiting and trapping 7 wild hogs.

AND THEN, after a crash YouTube course, butchering and processing them into fresh ground pork and pork sausage! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE!???

I still can’t believe we are here. Look at this place exactly one year ago.

We had plans for this place, plans for a life in the country with our kids… but OUR vision was SO SMALL.

I look out on the land and every single day I discover something new.

A new wildflower, a new tree, new bird, new terrifying varmint.

The kids love their new binoculars and all they can observe (Tatum K insists she can see better with them backwards).

It’s far from perfect and certainly not always charming and picturesque. Something’s always breaking and somebody’s usually griping, and half the people in my house are teenagers.

But it’s so so good.

Lord, let me savor the moments that will be gone in a blink.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” (Psalms 25:4-5)

“I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”” (Psalms 16:2)

I am thankful:

~ for an exciting milestone – our first Gold Network/Children’s Hospital/CHRISTUS Trinity Mother Frances collaboration! We hosted our 3rd and 4th Certified Continuing Education Class providing information and training to local ER nurses on the care of pediatric oncology patients.

Our East Texas HERO kids go through so much, and countless ER visits are almost inevitable. So anything we can do to help improve their care is a huge priority. It was so special to have 2 of Sawyer’s care team drive in from Dallas to perform the training, and a special treat to surprise them with a breakfast date with one of their favorite kiddos! Thank You Lord, for opening doors for change.

~ for a delicious Ruby’s lunch date with my boy.

~ for a special day for Zoe, as a beautiful queen at her class Medieval Feast.

~ for a fun double date that started with a tornado warning and ended with a shopping trip for ant killer at Lowe’s. And lots of great conversation and laughs in between.

~ for the sweetheart surprising me with the start of my dream garden (after telling me I couldn’t have one until next year). So excited to start FARMING! (We are SO NOT farmers!)

~ for a double decker April Fool’s Day prank for my prank-loving kids. Started with calling the kids out to “see” a surprise…they could hear the bleating of baby goats, and started squealing with joy…until they realized it was just a sound effect on my phone.

And then they opened up a box of “treat” cereal (Trix was a good choice, don’t you think?). Instead of tasty cereal, they were met with a variety of the most hideous items we could find at the grocery store: from mac and cheese and bacon flavored gummies to smoked oysters and sardines in tomato sauce. They were (mostly) great sports about it, and actually surprisingly enjoyed several new delicacies. April 1 is seriously Sawyer’s favorite day of the year!

~ for the amazing gift of watching my kids enjoy the country. This is our WHY…

Friends, with a heavy heart I ask for your prayers for our HERO friend, Trenn, and his Warrior parents, Anna and Randy. Trenn’s body is wearing out from the relentless battle, doctors are out of options, and the family is now facing the unthinkable. I have no words. Just please pray for Jesus to be near.

Sometimes it gets really hard to be thankful. Because why do I get to enjoy my healthy children and so many blessings while my friend’s world is crumbling? We just don’t understand. But no matter what, He is still good. He is still worthy.

So even when it’s dark, and even when none of us FEEL like it, thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help.”” (Psalms 30:10)

“The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”” (Exodus 33:14)

A Spring Break to Remember

I am thankful for a busy and blessed Spring Break!

Lord, thank You for these amazing kids that go with the flow.

Thank You for my Energizer-Bunny of a husband.

And thank You for hard work and good fun and days that we will never forget.

Thank You Father, for leading us and stretching us and for giving us the courage to do hard things, unconventional things, uncomfortable things, and embrace the unknown.

As for this week…you wouldn’t believe me if I told you…

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” (Proverbs 16:3)