Clinic

Somehow it has already been 6 months, and time for Sawyer’s Clinic visit.

I am thankful.

Sawyer leapt out of bed, eager as always. He loves Clinic day. Loves spending the day with Aunt Gina. Loves the focused one-on-one time. Loves that he gets to see his people and gets to choose a toy from the prize closet. I think his FAVORITE part, certainly what seems to always be at the forefront of his mind throughout the day, is that he has the coveted privilege of choosing ALL the day’s food choices. It is officially Sawyer the Warrior Day, and he 100% knows it.

It always amazes me that after all he has been through, he still loves going to the hospital.

I am thankful.

As always, Gina Sue does the driving. We catch up on each others lives, punctuated by Sawyer asking how many minutes until we get to Bucee’s. The company & conversation was great. The drive, uneventful. Gina always takes very good care of both of us.

I am thankful.

The best and most important news, glory to the Lord, our beautiful boy remains cancer-free! He cheerfully drew his own labs while nonchalantly chatting with beloved Miss Sharon. We had a great visit with Dr. Winick, and several of our favorites. And when we finally made it to the actual checkup, everything on the lab report and exam was perfect.

What a miracle. A miracle I absolutely do not ever take for granted.

I am thankful.

Our precious social worker facilitated an introduction with a mama whose 6 month old was just diagnosed (like less than a week ago) with the same infantile leukemia that Sawyer was diagnosed with 9 years ago. The social worker told me quietly, “I think this mama could really use some hope today.”

It was the first time in a VERY long time that I’d been in a room on D6. The vinyl recliner beside the stark hospital crib looked the same. There was a heavy stillness in the room that I think I had somehow forgotten. I listened to the frightened young mother as she held her beautiful baby girl in her arms. I did my best to encourage her, shared Sawyer’s story, and we prayed together. She smiled through her tears at the picture of baby SaSa in his pool, and then my vibrant, healthy boy with Lasagna the Chicken.

Looking back, I realize that to this day, I’ve never met another mom of an infant leukemia survivor older than Sawyer. There aren’t many of us. But God.

I am thankful.

Before we left the Oncology floor, I showed Sawyer the framed plaques hanging in the hallway, the heartfelt, raw observations written by my friend Shelby, mom of Sawyer’s little friend, Sophie. Shelby’s Facebook post thanking Sophie’s nurses went viral, and has been shared around the world. After Sophie the Brave went to be with Jesus, her family donated the plaques to the hospital that had been their home during her care. I’ve shown them to Sawyer before, and he remembers Sophie fondly, although they only met in person one time. But this time, Sawyer stood there quietly and read every word for himself.

Sawyer the Warrior and Sophie the Brave, 2017

I am thankful.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2)

“My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.” (Psalms 71:15-16, 19-21)

It All Matters

I am thankful.

For a beautifully exhausting week.

There’s nothing like Gold Run week. It’s emails and errands, yard signs and donation pickups, tv interviews and newspaper interviews and over-the-phone interviews. It’s checklists and double-checking lists and oh-my-goodness-I-nearly-forgot.

And life is also relentlessly happening. School and cross country and football, goats and chickens and too many puppies, laundry and dishes and lots of cereal and frozen pizzas for dinner.

And then it’s here.

Gold Run day was glorious. The weather was perfection. We had a bounty of volunteers. The park filled with HEROES and their Tribes of supporters, runners and walkers and watchers.

It means the world to these families (myself included) to experience the love and encouragement of people who show up to stand beside them and publicly support. One HERO mama said it best, “It was fun and I was so proud of my bunch. A 5K seems like such a small thing but it was a ‘suck it, cancer!’ event for us.”

Watching HEROES cross the finish line. Watching triumphant families celebrating the lives of their child. Watching weary, battle-scarred moms and dads and grandparents push through the fog to prove that their child’s battle means something. Watching tearful parents walking to honor the memory of the child whose only physical presence there was on our Wall and in their hearts. ETX Gold Run is so special. My heart is full.

And just like that, it’s done.

September is almost over. Pumpkin Spice is back, temps are dropping (outside of Texas anyway), and everyone is ready for fall.

Please don’t let all the GOLD fade away for a whole year. Keep having conversations. Donate. Reach out to a family. Volunteer. These kids deserve a voice and a chance at a normal life. It really does matter.

BUT IT ALL MATTERS.

Whatever is your personal passion. Or the real life, everyday work/school/kids/dishes/carpool that doesn’t feel like passion at all.

Run your race.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)

The Lord gently (sometimes abruptly) reminds me that I must both give thanks for and always be in prayer over all of it. ALL of it. My marriage, my kids, my responsibilities, and all that Gold Network is.

It’s all His.

Lord, it’s all Yours. Your ministry. Let me seek You everywhere and find You there. Let me honor You and reflect You in whatever it is I’m doing.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.” (Psalms 107:21-22)

Ready…Set…GOLD

I am thankful:

~ for more and more gold! Individuals, local businesses, schools, and across the nation, CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS IS SPREADING! This truly means the world to kids and their families, to see that their fight MATTERS.

~ for several sweet pups finding their families. Even though it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye, we are so excited to see the joy these babies bring to their new owners. And this time, a puppy went home to one of our own! So I will get to see my GrandPuppy! Pups still available – please share!

This sweet couple loved the first puppy they got from us so much, they got ANOTHER ONE!!!

~ for another great week of football and cross country for Gavin and Kora.

~ for a priceless new #gogold bracelet, a gift from a HERO friend.

~ for the quiet moments I steal in the garden each morning, before all my people wake up for the day. The dew is heavy on the grass, and the air is crisp and still. It’s just me and my coffee with the pumpkins and hummingbirds and goats.

It’s Gold Run week, and that means CRUNCH TIME. This week will be checklists and news interviews, speaking engagements and walkthroughs. We hit a major milestone for FULL TIME CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS: a full wrap on the family van! The “bus” (as we lovingly call her) has always gotten a lot of attention because of her size, so I figured it just made sense to capitalize on that attention for a purpose! I am THRILLED with the final product, and can’t wait to drive her around!

Every day I find myself freshly amazed at all that God has done, and give Him ALL THE GLORY for the ministry of Gold Network of East Texas.

Not too late to register for East Texas Gold Run! Join us Saturday for free family fun on the beautiful brick streets of Tyler, ice cold lemonade, and a front row seat to see some amazing HERO kids and their families.

Whether you run, walk, stroll, or crawl; or whether you just show up and GIVE, you truly make a difference.

Grateful for your prayers this week! For me personally, and for all our Gold Network HERO families. There will be many of their happy faces enjoying the festivities on Saturday. But we also have several grieving families who are desperately hurting, and a number of kids who are in the hospital right now. It’s not all gold beads and ribbons. There’s a very real battle going on.

But God.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” (Isaiah 58:9a)

‘Tis the Season

‘tis the season.

September 1 has rolled around again. And with it, our month of mission. Childhood cancer is not a hobby for us, it is something that has changed our family forever, and has become a cause we have dedicated our lives to year-round. But as most of you know, September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and this month is when we concentrate our efforts to spreading gold. God has recycled our pain into purpose.

Tuesday night we held our Annual Go GOLD ETX on the Square. Faithful friends and new-found friends showed up to help us deck the Square out in GOLD beneath a giant tent (with portable coolers to combat the blistering Texas heat). We showcased new games for the kids, a great new assortment of merchandise, and rolled out a new-and-improved GOLD carpet. The Square was crowded, full of East Texas HEROES and their families and supporters and friends, as well as people off the street who wandered in to see what had brought the live jazz, ice cream truck, and tantalizing burger truck Downtown. At the center of it all stood our painfully striking Wall of HEROES. Over 100 beautiful children who have battled cancer. People approached the wall and paused. Stared.

Little HEROES ran to the wall to find their faces.

Sawyer proudly showed off his updated photo, featuring Lasagna the Chicken.

We heard the inspiring testimony of an incredible young man, in his own words. The courage and tenacity we encounter defies description.

One by one, our HEROES took their walk on the GOLD carpet. Some raced. Some paused and soaked up their moment. All made an impact.

But not all families in attendance got to bring their HEROES to the carpet. We honored the memory of the beautiful boys and girls stolen by cancer before they had the chance to grow up by reading their names and releasing gold balloons. It’s truly heartbreaking, but it means so much to all our families to stand together, shouldering up under a burden far too heavy to bear alone.

That’s why we do what we do.

In 2015, we found 9 families in East TX that had faced childhood cancer. 7 years later, we have connected with more than 100. Which is simultaneously wonderful and devastating. BUT GOD.

Every year Sawyer (aka Sawyer the Warrior) becomes more aware of the realities of cancer and what he has been through.

He recognizes his “friends,” the ones he has met in person and the faces he has been introduced to on the Wall of HEROES. Now when he sees a new face in a photo, he asks their name and then, “is she still with us?” It pierces my heart that he has grown so accustomed to loss at such a young age, yet I’m so humbled and blessed at the deep love and compassion that just pour out of his beautiful heart. We talked to him this year about how God has used him, one sick little boy, to knit so many lives together by birthing Gold Network of East Texas, and about how many children have been blessed because of his trial. I’m so thankful he still loves to share the story of how, “Jesus healed-ed me.”

Will you GO GOLD with us this year? Follow Gold Network of East Texas on social media to learn more about childhood cancer and how YOU can make a difference. Wear Gold, give, PRAY, register for ETX Gold Run… it really does matter.

www.easttexasgoldrun.com

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”(Galatians 6:2)

““Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God.”

(Matthew 5:3-8)

July 23

It’s not a day we celebrate.

But it’s a day we never ever forget.

Cancerversary.

How can this day still knock me out year after year? I cannot express how much I hate that I am still FLATTENED every July 23. There is such a huge part of me that sneers, “Get over it! He’s here! He’s fine! It’s in the past! Thank God for his healing and move on!”

We have SO MUCH that we praise God for! They said he wouldn’t survive the day. BUT GOD! We have our beautiful boy, and 9 years later he is still here living his best life!

But on July 23, I just stay stuck. Stuck reliving every shell-shocked moment of that day. It’s like re-watching a movie when the worst part is about to happen. I want to shout at the unsuspecting characters what I know is coming, “Watch out! You’re about to be hit by a train!”

That is always what I go back to. We never saw it coming. We had no idea that life as we knew it was about to end and would never ever be the same. July 23, 2014 BC. Before Cancer. The steel toe kick to the stomach and the concrete truck sitting on my chest.

The emotions of cancerversary remind me to give thanks and to love big because you never what what’s around the corner.

They remind me that I’m not who I was 9 years ago, and I never will be. Cancer changed my DNA and that’s ok.

They remind me that even though I will never ever understand why this happened to my baby, God is big enough for my questions, my hurt, my anger, and even my unbelief.

They remind me that out of the worst and darkest season of our life were birthed some of the deepest, most genuine and priceless relationships we could never have expected and that would never have developed any other way. And that Sawyer and his story have touched more hearts and opened more doors for the Gospel to go forth than we will ever know.

I didn’t remind Sawyer the significance of this date today. As he has gotten a little older, his emotions have gotten bigger, and I can tell he’s starting to wrestle through some feelings he can’t fully understand. He asks more questions about cancer. About death. I don’t want to stir anything up unnecessarily. He didn’t even notice that I stared at him a little more today, hugged him a little tighter and a little longer, or that I left my sunglasses on even when it wasn’t bright.

I am thankful and I am broken. I am strong. And I am so, so tired of being strong.

Today at church, I wrapped my arms around Sawyer (probably a little too tight) as he stood in front of me during worship. I could feel his little chest rise and fall, and the vibration of each word as he sang from a pure and innocent heart, “I love You Lord for Your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. From the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, I will sing of the goodness of God.”

And I know he really means it. And so do I. God really is good, all the time. Even when we don’t understand.

I pray I will one day be free of all fear and dread. That one day I will stop holding my breath. That I will allow myself to imagine Sawyer growing up to be a man. And I pray that I will not transfer any of my burdens onto my beautiful son; that my hangups will never hold him back from all the Lord has for his life.

I look forward to the day when Jesus will wipe away every tear, and no child will ever again be diagnosed with or lost to cancer.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” (Mark 9:24)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.” (1 Samuel 1:27-28)

Bumps

I am thankful:

GLORY TO GOD, SAWYER REMAINS CANCER FREE!

Wednesday was his bi-annual oncology follow up appointment, and he got an A+. It’s always wonderful to see his care team, they are family to us. And I know it brings them so much joy to see Sawyer growing and thriving today. They saw him through the darkest, scariest days that we all wish we could forget. It’s always on my mind how difficult their jobs are. These doctors and nurses see the unthinkable and keep coming back anyway. They fall in love with their patients even when they try to guard their hearts, which is why their care is so personal and so compassionate. But that depth of compassion means that the hurts cut more deeply than they ever let anyone see. But still they keep pouring themselves out, caring for the sickest of the sick every day. So humbly grateful.

So anyway, the visit was great. And we found a fantastic new-to-us burger joint, and thankfully made it home before all the tornado warnings.

But the rest of this week…y’all. Y’ALL.

This week’s theme: God is good no matter what. No matter the circumstances. No matter the bumps in the road.

We had a lot of bumps this week.

And I didn’t handle it well. In the middle of a stormy, raging sea, I was sinking fast. Because I kept taking my eyes off Jesus.

Everything, JUST EVERYTHING, felt hard and discouraging. Being a farmer is hard. Being a mom is hard.

BUT GOD.

No matter what’s going on, from the big tragedies and losses to the maddening everyday irritations we face, God is good.

I can sit in my rocker and listen to the whippoorwill.

I can see a family where there once was none.

I can see His beauty in a wildflower.

I get to fall asleep beside my best friend in the whole wide world.

I can look in the mirror and see the lost girl He redeemed.

So I’m thankful. I’m thankful that He reminds me of Who He is when I start to forget. He doesn’t let me drown and just say, “Guess you should’ve trusted Me. You had your chance.” He reaches out His hand to me and says, “I know this is hard, but it’s not gonna stay this way. Let Me hold you a little closer through this part. It gets better, you’ll see. JUST WATCH.”

If our hope is in Jesus, our best days are always before us. Because we know the end of the story.

No matter what bumps lie ahead. It’s gonna be GLORIOUS.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”” (Matthew 14:29-31)

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus / Look full in His wonderful face / And the things of earth will grow strangely dim / In the light of His glory and grace” (Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus)

Not Giving Up

I am thankful:

~ that my baby girl had a great birthday…but i am NOT OK that she is SIX! I still can’t wrap my mind around it. She is the spiciest little firecracker, but also the sweetest at the same time. She seemed to love sharing her birthday with the joyful celebration of Resurrection Day, and we all enjoyed her cake AND pie around the campfire.

(Somebody also lost their very first tooth!)

~ thankful that even if it was for just a moment, I had all my Loves together.

~ thankful that we pretty much OFFICIALLY BECAME A FARM last week, adding 3 goats, 13 chicks, AND A DUCK to our menagerie. We are learning as we go, but the kids are definitely loving all their new babies.

~ for our new chicken coop, just waiting for the chicks to grow large enough to graduate from the brooder. Love our little barnyard setup as it slowly begins to take shape.

~ for a fun day representing Gold Network ETX at the Jr. League of Tyler’s “Touch a Truck” event. Sawyer had a blast looking at all the various classic cars, community service vehicles, and construction equipment…even a helicopter landing! We we were able to share the mission of Gold Network with lots of friends from the community, and even met a new HERO family.

Our dear friend and HERO, Trenn, achieved his ultimate healing in the arms of Jesus this week.

He battled long and hard through unspeakable pain and setbacks, and did so with courage and grace. He was loved by everyone who had the great privilege of learning his story. Please pray for his dear family, as they learn to navigate life without the boy that has been at the center of their world. Pray for the doctors and nurses who did everything they could for him, and provided such loving and compassionate care for the boy they fell in love with. People don’t really think about how deeply and personally they feel these losses.

Oh, how I hate cancer. Losing another friend never becomes routine. It doesn’t get easier.

I keep trying to make myself post that Gold Run registration is open. But I stop myself before I do it. Because WHO CARES!? A mama is crying herself to sleep tonight without her son. Who cares about a STUPID 5K!

But then I remember why we do what we do. We have to raise awareness. For Trenn. For Sophie. For Ceely. For Eric and Olivia and Michael and every other kid we’ve lost. And for Sawyer and Mason and Aneesa and every kid who’s still here. We have to raise money to take care of these families. Raise money for research. Keep fighting for training and better care for our children. It’s NOT A STUPID 5K. It’s a mission, a God-given ministry to families that need hope.

We are not giving up. EVER.

We’ve changed our name from Tyler Gold Run to East Texas Gold Run, to better reflect the broader community we seek to serve. Join us September 23, 2023. Run. Or walk. Or donate. Registration is open. Help us make a difference.

https://www.active.com/tyler-tx/running/distance-running-races/east-tx-gold-run-2023

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?” (Psalms 56:8)

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalms 34:18)

“Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.”(Galatians 6:9)

I am thankful:

~ for an exciting milestone – our first Gold Network/Children’s Hospital/CHRISTUS Trinity Mother Frances collaboration! We hosted our 3rd and 4th Certified Continuing Education Class providing information and training to local ER nurses on the care of pediatric oncology patients.

Our East Texas HERO kids go through so much, and countless ER visits are almost inevitable. So anything we can do to help improve their care is a huge priority. It was so special to have 2 of Sawyer’s care team drive in from Dallas to perform the training, and a special treat to surprise them with a breakfast date with one of their favorite kiddos! Thank You Lord, for opening doors for change.

~ for a delicious Ruby’s lunch date with my boy.

~ for a special day for Zoe, as a beautiful queen at her class Medieval Feast.

~ for a fun double date that started with a tornado warning and ended with a shopping trip for ant killer at Lowe’s. And lots of great conversation and laughs in between.

~ for the sweetheart surprising me with the start of my dream garden (after telling me I couldn’t have one until next year). So excited to start FARMING! (We are SO NOT farmers!)

~ for a double decker April Fool’s Day prank for my prank-loving kids. Started with calling the kids out to “see” a surprise…they could hear the bleating of baby goats, and started squealing with joy…until they realized it was just a sound effect on my phone.

And then they opened up a box of “treat” cereal (Trix was a good choice, don’t you think?). Instead of tasty cereal, they were met with a variety of the most hideous items we could find at the grocery store: from mac and cheese and bacon flavored gummies to smoked oysters and sardines in tomato sauce. They were (mostly) great sports about it, and actually surprisingly enjoyed several new delicacies. April 1 is seriously Sawyer’s favorite day of the year!

~ for the amazing gift of watching my kids enjoy the country. This is our WHY…

Friends, with a heavy heart I ask for your prayers for our HERO friend, Trenn, and his Warrior parents, Anna and Randy. Trenn’s body is wearing out from the relentless battle, doctors are out of options, and the family is now facing the unthinkable. I have no words. Just please pray for Jesus to be near.

Sometimes it gets really hard to be thankful. Because why do I get to enjoy my healthy children and so many blessings while my friend’s world is crumbling? We just don’t understand. But no matter what, He is still good. He is still worthy.

So even when it’s dark, and even when none of us FEEL like it, thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help.”” (Psalms 30:10)

“The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”” (Exodus 33:14)

Most Wonderful Time…or not

I am thankful:

~ for lots of sweet moments this week…

Out of nowhere. NOWHERE. For no reason at all, relentless waves of anxiety violently attacked. I felt fiery stabs through my heart and hundreds of pounds of weight pressing on my chest forcing the air out of my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. Silent tears began to well as the radio began to mock, “it’s the most won-der-ful tiiiiime of the yeeeeear…” And I knew even in that moment that I’m not alone in this. So many people are hurting and struggling right now. The sensory overload. Family drama. Money stress. Social anxiety. Loneliness. Loss. Anxiety sucks. PERIOD.

BUT GOD.

He truly is Emmanuel, God With Us.

EL ROI, the God Who Sees

Yahweh-Jireh, LORD will provide.

He is faithful in the good. He is faithful in the hard. He is faithful in that agonizing divide between the good and the hard.

Whether your week has been great or the best part of your week is knowing that it’s almost over, HE IS FAITHFUL.

Count your blessings.

Be somebody’s blessing.

And keep on trucking.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”” (Genesis 16:13)

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13)

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word.” (Psalms 119:114)

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalms 139:23-24)

Pure Gold

I am thankful.

For God’s favor.

For kindness.

For people who are generous with their time, their gifts, and their resources.

For fellowship.

For new friends and old friends.

THANK YOU to everyone who came to Tyler Gold Run, who donated, who volunteered, who helped behind the scenes, and who prayed. You have truly made a difference by going gold.

September is almost over. Our mission is not.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” (Luke 10:2)

“David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.” (1 Chronicles 28:20)

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”(Hebrews 10:23-25)