Tiptoe

I have to be honest and say that I still feel very alone. But I feel very surrounded by the Lord. He has wrapped me in so much kindness. I don’t feel like anyone can relate to my particular physical or emotional circumstances, but that’s ok. God knows me intimately, He loves me unfailingly, and He walks with me tirelessly.

Tiptoeing outside the quarantine bubble for the first time this week was very hard. Things were familiar and eerily unfamiliar at the same time. Faces of friends, parents, and teachers we have loved for years were now behind a mask or a face shield. Hallways were quieter than usual but still closer contact than we’ve had for months. BUT GOD.

We met and conquered each mountain. Sophomore Ipad training, 6th grade locker day and Middle School tour,5th grade locker day and Middle School tour, Elementary Meet the Teacher and supply drop off for grades 1, 3, and 4. Time after time in the middle of conversations, my raw emotions would rise up, and I could feel my muffled voice begin to quiver, and my eyes above my mask begin to well up with tears. And every time, my poorly concealed weakness was met with such kindness.

More than anything, what pushed me to move forward the most was the enthusiasm and complete lack of fear or reservation of all my kids. They were just straight up so excited to get back to school (and I am NOT entertaining the thought that any percentage of that excitement desire to get away from me.) All day Tuesday, Sawyer kept asking what time it was. “I want it to be bedtime, so I can go to bed and then when I wake up it will be SCHOOL!” They miss their friends. They miss their activities. They miss NORMAL. Don’t we all?

So we did all the things. Labeled all 7,463,726 supplies. Packed all the lunches (with surprise Lunchables). Hung out all the backpacks. Laid out the new clothes and shiny new tennis shoes and masks. Favorite Martha White blueberry muffins for breakfast.

I posted this picture on the first day of school. My friend Melissa from Laurel & Cotton had released her BOLD lion T-shirt design about a month ago, and I messaged her right away, “I want that one!” But the more I thought about it, the less bold I felt, and I couldn’t really imagine myself wearing the shirt. But suddenly I knew I DID need that shirt – for Sawyer. I don’t know anybody more bold than him.

So I ordered the BOLD lion shirt for Sawyer and “Overwhelmed by Jesus” for me. Never has their been a more appropriate pairing of shirts for an occasion as those two for the first day of school. (And for the record, when I showed Sawyer his new shirt, he was SO EXCITED about it, he chose it for his first day of school outfit without any prompting from me.)

I’m definitely ok but not ok. But it doesn’t matter if I am ok. God is FAITHFUL. He sees me as I really am: broken and held together with paper clips and chewing gum, and doesn’t turn away. I dropped off my babies (after we all had our foreheads scanned in the parking lot). And as we drove away, Tatum K patiently waited for me to stop bawling. She and I had a donut date at our favorite spot, and then we went to Home Depot to buy a new plant. Several thoughtful friends called and texted to check on me, which was so kind. Tater and I spent the day cuddling and crying and praying and watching the clock. I’ve never appreciated a quiet house less.

But when 3 o’clock FINALLY arrived, I’ve never been so ready to get my hands on my kids. They had all had a great day, and all shared every detail all at the same time. They told all their stories over cups of Andy’s Frozen Custard, and then they all washed and sanitized and changed clothes and got ready to do it all again the next day.

God was so faithful and kind to LOVE SO LAVISHLY this week.

~ Carson Grace had a great first week, acing a couple quizzes, auditioning for and MAKING the ETBU Chapel Praise Team, as well as being chosen for a paid position on the Worship team at Oakland Heights Baptist Church.

~ Colton is loving his new job and learning a TON. His business cards came in so he feels “official.” He came over this weekend before he heads back out of town for his next project. Grateful to be in this season where he is choosing to come spend time with us and share his life with us when he doesn’t HAVE to.

~ for the FINAL PIECE of the kitchen remodel: our light fixture that has been back-ordered since April. I had my heart set on it, and I’m so glad I waited. I love how it completes the kitchen transformation! Thankful it is DONE! (Now what project to start on next???)

~ for a restaurant-inspired recipe that I tried to recreate: roasted poblano peppers stuffed with creamy cheese, succulent shrimp, asparagus, and grilled corn. Not your grandma’s stuffed peppers. UNBELIEVABLE!

~ for the sweetest neighborhood kids (not just mine) who held a lemonade stand for charity, and chose to donate to Gold Network! They sat in the sweltering heat and even went door to door to invite “customers” (vital since we all live at THE VERY END of a DEAD END street!) And then my sweet neighbor sat with them and gave them a lesson an stewardship and accountability when raising money for a charity, and the kids all prayed over the money before they counted it. They raised $80! What a blessing!

~ for continued support of Gold Network of East Texas as we have made the difficult decision to convert this year’s Tyler Gold Run to a Virtual Race. We just have to err on the side of caution as we face the unknown, especially as we serve immune compromised kids. The BEST part about the run being Virtual, is that ANYONE can participate from ANYWHERE! If you are local, we will have a pickup to give out medals and T-shirts, but if you are farther away, we can mail it to you! I encourage you to prayerfully consider registering, because our HERO kids and their families need your help more than ever. Unfortunately, #cancerisntcanceled. Every 3 minutes another family hears the life-shattering words “your child has cancer.” Kids all over East Texas and the world are taking chemotherapy every day, spending their childhood in and out of hospitals, and dealing with long term side effects from the toxic treatments used to save their lives. And 1 out of every 5 children diagnosed with cancer will not survive, leaving a gaping hole in a family that will never ever be the same. That’s why we created Gold Network of East Texas: to support families impacted by childhood cancer during their darkest days and then every day afterward. Once a hero, always a hero. You can register or donate at www.tylergoldrun.com

Today I am grateful for a successful three days of school down, and for a peaceful weekend with my Loves back home. It did feel good to have some of the old familiar routines that added margin to each day, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, a weekend that actually felt like a weekend. I am grateful that I don’t have to have all the answers, because I am held by the One Who Does.

Wherever you are, whatever highs or lows you are walking through, He is there. May we rest in that. May we rest in Him.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalms 94:18-19)

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Ready or Not

I am thankful:

~ for God’s mercy. I limped to Him last week (and every day since then) and He has lovingly held me and encouraged me and let me just be His child without all (or ANY of) the answers.

~ for an exciting new adventure for Colton. After years of working in the food service industry, this week he started his first “grown up job,” as a superintendent for a commercial construction company. He’s got a new uniform, his own business cards, and has already started traveling out of town for a large project. He has already learned so much in his first week, and has been eager to share details from his days with us. He is so excited about this big step, and we are so proud of him!

~ and a big next step for Carson Grace as well: we moved her back to ETBU for her sophomore year of college. New apartment-style dorm, new roommates, and a fresh new enthusiasm for her classes after the abrupt end of her freshman year. We got her stuff all moved in despite a sudden downpour, and her room is cozy and organized. As always, it was hard to say goodbye, but we know she’s right where she needs to be. Since she left, we have chatted every day, and this morning we all enjoyed watching her lead worship with one of her professors at his church via a LIVE broadcast. She is excited for her first day of classes tomorrow!

~ the mixed blessing of having Carson Grace back at school means I once again have my beautiful work space (her now empty bedroom) for Giddyup & Whoa painting. I love that room, the crisp white walls and gleaming natural light. It’s just a space that inspires me. We’ve had some lovely pieces to work on lately. All the kids have taken turns painting in there with me, as well as some rousing games of UNO and charades.

~ for a succulent roasted sheet pan dinner: BBQ chicken, quartered potatoes, and green beans.

~ for the great honor and privilege of Gold Network of East Texas being chosen as a charity beneficiary of the Fresh 15. The race took place back in March the week before the country shut down, and Brookshire’s Grocery Company held a Virtual Check Presentation this week. So thankful to be in the company of the finest and most respected nonprofits in our area.

~ for the perfect mouthwateringly tart sweetness of a cherry sour candy.

~ for 99.9% school supplies ready to go for all 6 kids. Especially considering A) as of Monday I had not purchased ONE ITEM and B) I did not have to set one foot in a store. Online shopping, I love you!

~ for the kindest people that the Lord has braided into our lives. It is no secret that the question facing nearly every family in America is whether or not to send their children to school. And Josh and I have wrestled day and night over our options. We have prayed. We have made lists of pros and cons. We have prayed. We have sought council. We have prayed. We have been still. We have prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed. Ultimately, FOR US (and the most important distinction I want to stress is that EVERY FAMILY is doing their VERY BEST to make the best choice for THEIR CHILDREN…and that will mean something different to each of them. NO JUDGMENT!) we have made the decision to send our kids back to their school. And let me tell you, our kids are EXCITED! They are chomping at the bit to get back to their school and their teachers and classmates. Their eagerness and loyalty to their school has helped soothe our uncertainties at least a little. But it still is a weighty decision that I have continued to struggle with. BUT GOD. One day this week, our principal called to check in on our decision. I heard the words came out of my mouth, “We are planning to send them in person,” (as opposed to doing virtual learning from home). As soon as I spoke, I realized it was the first time I had spoken those words aloud, and I burst into tears on the phone. At that moment, our principal, my friend, became to pray for me right then. She prayed for God’s peace and grace to flood my heart, for protection for each of our children, and for wisdom to make the best decisions we can for our family. Her kindness and grace met me in that moment, and my weary heart was encouraged. I can’t say I’m past my concerns, or even that I am confident that we’ve made the right choice. I don’t even know that I can single out a particular ACTUAL FEAR that is plaguing me. Just that nothing feels safe or “normal” or familiar or easy. But I am freshly reminded of why we LOVE the community that has been our home for 16 years. They know us. They know our kids. They’ve seen us through fostering, through adopting, through cancer. They have rallied around us and prayed for us when we were tossed from one storm to the next. I am NOT thrilled with the prospect of sending my kids back out into a group setting with so many unknowns, but I AM CONFIDENT that they are going into an environment where they are loved and seen and that everyone on every level is covering every aspect with prayer.

This is a big week of dropping off supplies, meeting teachers, and for Kora and Samantha, touring a brand new school. Tomorrow is the first time tiptoeing out of the quarantine bubble as we start the precursory steps. The official first day of school is Wednesday. Since March, we have been home. Together. With the exception of an hour here or there, I haven’t been away from my kids. And believe it or not, I’m not impatiently waiting to boot them out of the house for some “peace and quiet.” After months of keeping them safely at arms’ reach, I can’t even wrap my mind around dropping all my babies off and driving away. Especially after daily temperature scans and with masks as a normal school supply. Ok, I’m starting to hyperventilate again, need to refocus my heart. It’s a big week and the kids are excited to meet their teachers and see their friends. I am excited to see God’s hand at work in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

And what in the world am I going to do with Hurricane Tatum K?

Thank you for all who have been praying for us. And for all of you moms, dads, cancer families, educators, administrators, doctors, nurses, first responders…I am praying for you, too. Lord, help guide us to the best choices for each of our families and also help us to respond to people who think similarly AND differently WITH KINDNESS AND GRACE. We all just want to get through this season the best we can. God is still on His throne where He has always been. His plan is still good, and I trust Him with my life and the lives of my children.

I’m back to praying two prayers over and over:

“Not my will, but Yours, Lord.” And “Jesus come.”

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“Your love is deep, Your love is high. Your love is long, Your love is wide. Your love is deeper than my view of grace Higher than this worldly place. Longer than this road I travel. Wider than the gap You fill…” “Your Love is Deep” by Jami Smith

“Waymaker, miracle worker Promise keeper, light in the darkness My God, that is who You are” “Waymaker” by Sinach

We hope

I am thankful:

~ for momentum! One more beam down! It’s tiring, backbreaking work, and such a mess, but I’m (thankfully) still in love with the results, and the end is in sight… (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about it here).

~ for the deep, heart to heart conversations with my 2 year old. Tatum, “ mama can I have a snack?”

Me “ do you want an orange?”

“No! I want a snack!”

“Ok, then what DO you want?”

“An ORANGE!”

~ for cheerful fresh tulips brightening my table.

~ for healing! We have all been taking our turns with THE CRUD over the last couple of weeks…intermittent fevers, coughs, runny noses. Last weekend, Sawyer’s cough intensified, and he woke up Monday with a fever. We don’t mess around with anything when it comes to him, and fevers set this mama on high alert, so we were at the pediatrician’s office at 8:30am.

Dr. Everett definitely suspected that he could be in the early stages of developing pneumonia, but we agreed to just watch him closely before jumping forward to any meds. So he missed 2 days of school, and we had a couple pretty rough nights, but Jesus protected Sawyer, and he got better instead of worse! Glory to the Lord! He’s still a little weak, and tires easily, but I told him if he rests well tonight, he’ll finally be allowed to run at recess again. He is SO READY. He told me he’s been being the soccer goalie at recess, and “I’m so terrible at it Mama.” And I think the rest of us are ALMOST well also.

~ for the opportunity to participate in another Vintage & Co. Jodi does the most amazing job of curating her collections of beautiful and unique vintage finds. It’s always an honor to be able to add a few Giddyup & Whoa pieces to her sales.

~ for the simple little things that bring such joy to my kids. Like pancakes for dinner. You would have thought it was the finest gourmet cuisine ever cooked. I bet they each thanked me 6 times.

~for my kiddos’ sweet and innocent prayers at midweek service. They prayed for healing for everyone who was sick, prayed for their older siblings to make good choices and to “stay on God’s path,” and one of them prayed simply, ”Dear God, help me to obey and have self control.” How it blesses me to hear them learning to talk to their Heavenly Father, and believe that He hears them.

~ for another fun and simple DIY Goodwill makeover. Love those 99¢ finds!

~ for a great time celebrating a dear friend’s birthday. He was turning 50, so the theme of the party was “OLD.” I love Sawyer’s interpretation…

~ for Carson Grace having the opportunity to sing Beethoven’s 9th with her ETBU Concert Choir this weekend. It was a huge concert, and we weren’t able to be there; but so grateful that Grandmommy, Uncle Justin, and Aunt Gina were able to go support her (and fill her up with some much needed Whataburger.)

~ for the sound of the rain against my window, especially when I’m snug in my bed.

~ for my cuties that just happened to end up looking like little Valentines for church. How are they growing up so fast?

~ for an AWESOME evening at our quarterly Gold Network CONNECT group. The concept was conceived from our trips to Lighthouse Family Retreat, when all the kids would go play and swim, and the parents would gather for a small group time called Common Ground. All these moms and dads from various walks of life, different faith backgrounds, a variety of diagnoses… but all of us had the worst thing in common. We all had a child with cancer. And we pretty much instantly became family. We listened to each other’s stories and we cried and we prayed for one another. And we encouraged one another. And we laughed. The connections were real and deep and unexpected and life-changing. It gave us so much hope. Josh and I had no idea how much we were thirsting for relationships with this specific community of people. And we just knew we had to try to bring something like it in Tyler. Last night we had seven pediatric cancer families around our table. We feasted on food from Oliveto and laughed and talked and ate and cried. And it was pure gold.

Our work with Gold Network of East Texas keeps us pretty entrenched in the childhood cancer world, even though Sawyer is now 3 years off treatment. (That fact is staggering to me). We celebrate all that God has done, and yet we are still continually learning what life-after-cancer means for us. And every day, I am still talking about cancer, and still thinking about cancer. We haven’t left cancer behind. Representing GNET, I am speaking with cancer families daily. I follow their updates and pray for them. I work on Gold Network event planning, manage the website, and almost daily update social media with announcements or post about childhood cancer awareness. It’s always at the forefront of my thoughts and day to day activities. But in such a different context from 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. But all it takes is to listen to one of our GNET parents begin to talk about that terrible, earthshaking moment when everything changed in their life… and I’m right there again. Sitting in a pediatric exam room on a red vinyl cough with a greenish-white baby in my arms, seeing Dr. Everett come in and close the door behind him with a look on his face like someone had kicked him in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. It never goes away. I see all these families and the pained seared in their eyes. Forever changed. Some of them are giving their brave kids toxic meds every day and praying for the cancer to go away. Some of them, like us, have graduated from the treatment routine, and pray against long term side effects and for the cancer to stay away forever. And some of them have said goodbye to their child, and now they wait, and now the hope they pray for is for the day they will be reunited with their child. It never goes away.

EVERYONE is walking through something. The loss of a child. Caring for an aging parent. A strained marriage. A prodigal child. Struggles at work. Chronic pain. Addiction. Loneliness. Anxiety. PTSD. And the world screams at us from 2 camps: either DO MORE! GET YOURS! CRUSH THE COMPETITION! YOU DESERVE TO RISE! Or on the other extreme: SLOW DOWN! TAKE CARE OF YOU! SELF CARE! YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

We all just need Jesus. Because none of us want what we REALLY deserve. We know the mess we truly are inside: the brokenness, the selfishness, the depravity. But He loves us anyway, right where we are. But even though the gift of salvation is FREE, it does have a cost. We have to say “no” to something to say “yes” to Him.

Saying “yes” to Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean our circumstances will change. Sometimes they do. Often they do not. But our PERSPECTIVE changes. And we don’t have to walk alone ever again. Because of Jesus, we are promised that the end of the story is good.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thanks for reading the thoughts I’m musing tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and there’s heaviness weighing on my heart. BUT GOD. Because of Him, I pray with so much hope. Unspeakable joy is COMING.

Have a good week friends. Reach out to somebody who could use a little hope.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Seasons

I am thankful:

~ for 2 sweet quick visits with 2 different dear friends before they move away. It’s so hard to say goodbye to people you love. But seasons are always changing and you just pray that you can find a way to stay connected regardless of location. Tatum had a great time playing with a friend, and later having a delicious breakfast of diced tomatoes and chocolate milk!

~ for the stunning color of the fall leaves. People say Texas doesn’t really get seasons. And while the foliage may not be as electric nor the temperatures quite as brisk as in the north and northeast, I think East Texas is beautiful in the fall. I love the drop in temperatures, pulling out the boots and sweaters, and the crackle of a fire in the evenings. To me, the autumn season was the ideal choice for scheduling Thanksgiving: leaves change and fall, colder weather makes us want to cuddle closer, we hunger for the warmth of nostalgic comfort foods…it’s a season built for looking around at our surroundings and seeking to give thanks.

~ for a extra special week for Kora. Her class presented the Chapel program, a Tribute to Veteran’s Day. It was an inspiring and reverent program, and all the students did a beautiful job with their songs and recitations. Then as a part of her classroom’s weekly Toastmasters presentation, she gave her original speech. Big week for our girl. She delights in having her turn in the spotlight, and nothing makes her light up more than seeing Mama and Daddy smiling from the audience. So proud of her.

~ for the rare opportunity to surprise my girl! Carson Grace invited us to a special event as a part of her music major program, Student-led Night of Worship. Unfortunately, she invited us about 22 hours before the program. I let her know we were very proud of her, but told her how difficult it would be to make arrangements to get all the way to Marshall the next evening, especially on a school night. But as soon as I got off the phone with her, I got to work planning those details. Even that evening, as we were on the road to Marshall, I continued to text her and tell her that we loved her and were praying that the service would go well (true statements). When we showed up at the recital hall (you can imagine, a Tribe of Littles is quite a spectacle on a college campus, so we weren’t hard to spot), she saw us and burst into tears. I’m so thankful we made it a little early so she had time to get herself together before taking the stage with her worship team. What a blessing to see our beautiful daughter, singing unto the Lord with her peers. It was just awesome. After her set was over, she joined us in the audience, and squeezed me so hard…it felt great to know how much it meant to her that we were there. It was an incredible night worshipping together, and even the Littles totally got into it, clearly blessed by the presence of the Lord.

~ for lots of progress in preparation for our 2 upcoming Giddyup & Whoa sales: Vintage & Company’s “Christmas in the Country” and The Market. Josh has been building and building for me, and I paint every chance I get. The kids love being a part: helping design, paint, and construct; and they are always eager to “model” for me. So thankful for the opportunity to create together as a family, and hopeful that we are coming into a busy season for the business.

~ for successfully surviving the last (and coldest, and WETTEST) JV football game of the season! Armed with our blankets, scarves, gloves, and hot chocolate, the Littles and I made it to halftime, and left Dad, Colton, and Brooke to cheer Coop on to the bitter end. I love watching him play, so I’m sad to see the season end, but I WILL NOT miss shivering in the bleachers with 875 whining kids.

~ for our furry, floppy muppet dog, Bear, who turned 1 today! He has been such a fun addition to our crazy Tribe.

~ for relaxing evenings, chilling and watching the Cowboys. Ok fine. If you know me, I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about football. I can barely keep my eyes on Cooper’s jersey to see where he is on the field at his games. I can get into sports when I know personal stories about the players, but otherwise, it’s hard for me to follow. BUT. I love my husband. And my husband loves to watch the Cowboys. So I love to be near my husband while he watches the Cowboys. I paint or write, and I cheer when he cheers. We’ve got a system down.

~ for a weekend with our girl home from college. We enjoyed a RARE laid back weekend devoid of a schedule. Carson Grace got to sleep in, we ran some errands, ordered some much-needed glasses for both of us, and spend the evening watching Lion King all together.

~ for unexpected blessings. One of the reasons Carson Grace came home for the weekend was because she had been invited to be a guest vocalist at the church of one of her professors. The church was in Athens, and we decided to load up the whole Tribe and go with her. Carson Grace of course did an absolutely wonderful job sharing her song, and blessed the heart of the Lord and every parishioner in attendance. But it was clear the moment we got there that the He had a very specific purpose for our family visiting that church. The pastor (who teaches voice part time at ETBU, and was the one who invited Carson Grace) and his wife have recently taken in 4 foster children. Recently as in 3 weeks ago. I looked into that mama’s tired tired eyes and knew exactly what she was feeling. Oh, how vividly O remember the pain of that season, of those raw first weeks. Josh and I were able to share our foster/adopt story and listen to where they are in theirs. We could relate to one another on such a strikingly similar level, and there was such hope in that. After church was over, our 2 families went for pizza, and the adults visited as much as we could while juggling kid plates, refilling cups, wiping noses and wiping spills… We sat there and told the stories we have told so many times. Stories of broken beds, and heads cracking through windows. Stories of getting locked out of the house by 3 toddlers and of the end of life as we then knew it. BUT GOD. Because the kids from those stories are gone. They really are. I can’t think of a day when I was more proud of my children. As we were telling those stories with the grownups, OUR kids were loving on THEIR kids. Our little girls were chatting it up with their girls, and have already declared that they are friends who can’t wait to see each other again. Their little guy and Sawyer had been in Sunday school class today that morning, so they were tickled to buddy up at lunch. And Carson Grace and Cooper were kind and conversational with their quiet and reserved 16 year old boy. It was beautiful. I’m not even bothering to hold back my tears as I write this tonight, with the images fresh on my mind. I ache thinking of all that these precious children have gone through, more than anyone even knows about. They have been shifted around and let down by the ones who they trusted to keep them safe, and so many others after that. I can only imagine how broken and scared and confused they are. And I know how shell shocked those foster parents are right now. Everything about their life has changed overnight. And they are holding on for dear life, clinging to Jesus, desperately trying to be obedient to whatever He asks them to do. I’m so grateful that we got to meet this family today, and ask that you would join me in praying for them. They need it. And I’m so grateful that the Lord used this day to show me afresh how far our beautiful children have come, and the beauty that shines from the ashes of their story. Their story is one of brokenness and loss and pain, and a story of love and redemption and healing and hope. And today I got to see them ministering. Thank You Father for fresh eyes to see the miracle of New Life.

Whatever season you find yourself in, may you remain securely anchored into Christ. When things are bad, hang on. Jesus is holding you, He is fighting for you, and He will never leave you. And this season won’t last forever. And if you are in a sweet season, a season of plenty, of peace – set that anchor DEEP. Study His Word, seek God’s heart, pour into the lives of others. Invest wisely in eternity during seasons of peace, because that season will end too. And we never know what’s ahead. We just know that our best days are still to come. Which season are you in? Who can you encourage this week?

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” (Matthew 5:3-9)

Back to School Daze

I am thankful:

~ to be DONE BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. It only took me 3,647,447,262 trips to 78,226 stores to get what everyone needed.

~ for our wonderful, kind teachers at Grace Community School, and how thrilled each of the children are with the classroom they were placed in. I love the aroma of eagerness and hope at the beginning of the school year. There is just so much promise: new friends, new skills, new adventures. There are few things that thrill my kids more than strapping on a brand spankin’ new pair of tennis shoes and a 86 pound bulging backpack to go see friends they have missed all summer and meet their teachers.

~ for a good first day of school. Everyone popped out of bed with a grin, gobbled up fresh baked banana muffins for breakfast, and doodled up in their favorite outfit to start off their new year. (I may have chosen Sawyer’s shirt…) We read our morning devotional, like always, and prayed over our day and our family and our teachers, like always. Josh headed off to take Cooper to his first day of high school while I walked into the elementary school with 6 of my babies. And walked out with just one. I’m infinitely grateful for a school filled with people who love Jesus and love our family, and who give a whole lot of grace to this mama who has a very hard time letting go. But God.

~ and as if that were not enough, Wednesday was the day to drive Carson Grace back to ETBU, this time for good. Tatum K and I made the drive with her, and when we arrived, the dorm was HOPPING! When we moved her into her dorm before her mini-mester 2 weeks ago, there were just a handful of students on campus. But this week was Tiger Camp, ETBU’s Freshman Welcome Week. All of Carson Grace’s suite-mates were there, and it was great to meet them and their parents. I can already tell they are a really special group. We did the few last updates to her room, went on a quick grocery run, and a hurried Subway lunch, as I had to rush back to Tyler in time to pick up Littles from school. This meant I didn’t get to participate in the parent part of Tiger Camp, attending the first Chapel service of the year with Carson Grace. But I know God’s timing is better than mine, and I trust that it was best for me to get on the road when I did. Oh, it was so hard to drive away. I could tell though, that she was excited and ready. Much more so than the first time we dropped her off, all alone in the dorm. This time her room and the campus were already familiar, and she was surrounded by classmates ready to dive in right beside her. Hard hard for Mama, not so much for my girl. And that’s how it’s supposed to be, praise God.

She has sent lots of pictures since Wednesday: scavenger hunts, team challenges, and community service projects. She’s making lots of friends and looks like she’s loving it. She and her camp group went to a local church this morning together, and classes start bright and early in the morning. Proud of her. But I sure do miss my girl. I’ve spent a lot of time in her room this week, thinking about her, praying for her. (I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying….)

~ for traditions. If you know me, you know I’m big on traditions. Every year on the first day of school, we go to our very favorite snow cone shack in Tyler, Shivers. Tatum K shared her piña colada snow cone with me…she loved her “pink-alada”!

~ for kind friends. Thoughtful friends. For old and new friends. For truth-telling-even-when-it-hurts friends. For tried-and-true, gone-through-the-ringer, here-for-the-mountains-and-the-valleys friends.

~ for steady Giddy up & Whoa work. I truly love to paint, and our little home business is such a blessing to our family. And I needed the diversion. Thursday was even harder than Wednesday with the kids gone. On the first day, taking Carson Grace to Marshall took the whole day. I was too busy to think about anything. (WHICH WAS MERCY). Thursday was a different story. It was a different kind of quiet. Not a TRUE quiet, because Tatum K is a wild little fireball and a constant chatterbox. I know this year will be a sweet time with just my Tater Tot at home. But for now, the empty house is echoey. Too much space. As much as my Tribe drives me crazy and I’m always exhausted with their questions and their squabbles and their needs…they are MY PEOPLE. And I miss them when they’re gone. So anyway, it was a blessing to have 5 sign orders that needed my attention during Tatum’s naptime. And I’m pleased to say I got them all done!

~ for a good evening and meal with Colton. The Littles were thrilled to swim with him and climb all over him. Always good to spend some time with my boy.

~ for a nice start to our Gold Network Toy Drive for the prize closet at Children’s Hospital. A group of sweet ladies all went out and purchased nearly 100 toys and donated them in honor of one of their friend’s birthdays! What a great idea! Last year we donated more than 1400 toys to Children’s. We are collecting toys through the month of September.

~ for excitement brewing over all our upcoming Gold Network events. August 29 is Go Gold Tyler, our annual Childhood Cancer Awareness night on the Tyler Downtown Square. I’ve been reaching out to our cancer families and have been thrilled by the overwhelmingly positive response! It is so special to have all these Hero families together. And then Tyler Gold Run is coming up September 21. For our big 5 year celebration (how can it be 5 years!?) we are thrilled to have added a 10k route and moved to a new, larger park. I am always amazed at how our friends and family and the community rise up in support of all these brave kids and their families. Please consider being a part of these special events, or donating toward the cause.

~and this is just INCREDIBLE! One of our Hero families has a cousin who is an amazing artist. She created an original watercolor painting and has DONATED IT FOR AUCTION TO GOLD NETWORK!!! This priceless painting takes my breath away. Please check out the auction and bid or donate if you feel led. The auction is open until August 29. Click here for details.

~for good baseball memories with my Love. Josh is one of the biggest Texas Rangers fans that has ever lived, and he has passed this passion on to his family. I learned early in our marriage that if I was going to have any quality time with my husband from April until October, I needed to learn to speak baseball. So I asked a few questions, and it was his greatest delight to teach me the ins and the outs of the game. So this week, it was very special to glue ourselves to the TV screen to watch a momentous milestone for our all time favorite player, Josh Hamilton, as he was inducted into the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. Josh is one of the greatest talents to have ever played the game, but we love him because of his story. He has battled drug and alcohol addiction for his entire career, and although he found salvation in Jesus Christ, he has continued to fall back into those self-destructive patterns. But seeing him back on the field, hugging his old teammates, and hearing his bold and honest speech that gave all glory to the God who continued/continues to love him in the midst of his failures….we cried our eyes out. It. Was. Awesome. He closed his 14 minute speech with these words of encouragement for when we get knocked down, “Don’t you dare stay down. The God of the universe sent His Son to die so that we have the right to GET BACK UP IN JESUS!”

Our friend Harold needs your prayers. He was allowed to go home from the hospital Wednesday, only to have hydrocephalus symptoms return Thursday, causing his parents to rush Harold back to Dallas for his FIFTH surgery. Please pray for healing and wisdom for the team of doctors treating him. And for grace and strength for his precious family. Thank you for continuing to lift up the parents and family of sweet Lucas, who went to heaven last week. Someone I love is recovering from a dreadful injury, and 3 family members are battling cancer. So many people hurting. Oh how I hate cancer. Jesus come….

Friends, life is hard. It is hard and good and beautiful and horrible and excruciating and glorious. Live well. Love large. Give freely. Forgive. See people. Pray for one another. Share Jesus.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” John 13:34-35

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV

Sanctification

I am thankful:

~ for creative get-out-of-bed excuses. “Ma-a-a-ma, I need to ask you something? Do chickens fly?”

~for Giddyup & Whoa orders that come right on time. Every single order is a blessing of provision.

~for decadent French toast with orange zest and a crispy crust of cinnamon sugar. I had a new recipe, and it was a resounding hit with the Tribe.

~for the tender hearts of my children. We did not tell them about the senseless tragedies of last weekend. But they are incredibly observant and quickly noticed all the flags lowered to half-staff. When I briefly told them what had happened, they were aghast and IMMEDIATELY asked if we could pray aloud together in the car. First they prayed for the grieving families of the victims, and then began to pray that God would touch the hearts of the shooters, “that they would come to know You Lord, and that they would be sorry for what they have done.”

~for such a special surprise: my sweet friend Meredith blessed Sawyer with one of her impeccably hand-sewn minky puppies! Check out the gold childhood cancer ribbon! If you haven’t checked out My Minky Co, you need to! Thank you Meredith!

~for back-to-school shopping. It’s hard for me to say I’m thankful for this. Not gonna lie. School supplies, shoes, and clothes for six in school is no joke. Just the magnitude this year’s number is intimidating, but sometimes brave is what you are when you don’t have a choice. We tackled the stores as a wild and boisterous unit. My kids opened every shoebox in every store. They showed me every pencil that was ever made. They were pretty good about not “asking” (they had been severely warned) but instead they just exclaimed over and over, “look at this one Mama! Isn’t this one cute? Isn’t this one sweet? This one is awesome! I love this!” I had warned them, don’t ask for everything you see. However, I had forgotten to specify, “don’t show me and describe every detail of everything you see.” School starts Wednesday…I’d estimate that I am 68% done with the supply shopping. And that I am 143% READY to be done. It’s not that I want my kiddos out of the house, it’s just the progression of the season. They are all ready to be done at home and back to their friends. Instinctively they crave the structure and margin of the school setting, even if the appreciation won’t stay with them long.

~for grace for new seasons. I don’t think I can express to you how different my life is going to be with Carson Grace gone to college. She’s my babysitter. My ONLY babysitter. And I have become accustomed to running my errands by myself. I just don’t take my people into stores. I just don’t. A couple of my children have literally been in a store, ANY store, like three times in their lives. It’s just one of those things, that if I didn’t have to go with an entourage, I didn’t. Well now, that luxury is over for the most part. Six little people at the grocery store. Six little people shopping for shoes. Six little people in the return line at Walmart. It’s just a different season. But you know what… WE SURVIVED! I’m not trying to say it was relaxing and poetic and my favorite way to spend my time. But nobody backflipped off the shelves, and I didn’t lose any of them. So I’m going to call it a win. I think I’m going to be getting a lot of use out of my “big girl panties” this year.

~thankful to have my girl back, even if it’s only briefly. Carson Grace finished up her mini-mester class at ETBU, and I drove with the Tribe to pick her up on Friday. Everyone was thrilled to see her, and excited to get to check out her new room at the dorm. She goes back for real on Wednesday. I’m thankful for the Lord’s kindness to allow us to have a more gradual “letting go.”

She even sent me a “First Day of School” picture!

~for a fun night at Meet the Cougars. At this yearly fall school event, each high school athletic team is highlighted to get people hyped for the school year. Very excited to see Cooper’s #19 jersey come out of the football tunnel. He’s so excited about his freshman year. Can’t wait to watch him play!

~for Sawyer’s fun time at his Kindergarten picnic. He got to see old friends and meet some new ones, and went on a scavenger hunt on the school playground. So proud of my brave boy and how excited he is for kindergarten. Here come the tears again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him every day. He just makes life so bright. I hope I never outgrow the utter awe I feel when I look at him, knowing all he has overcome.

~for God’s Word spoken straight to the heart. Sometimes it just pierces in such a powerful way. The message this morning was on sanctification. Being redeemed, made holy, and set apart. Brother Alvin, our dear friend and visiting missionary from Honduras, referenced offering someone a cup of water in a filthy glass. I long to be set apart for God. Sanctified by His blood so that He can use me for His purposes. But how often I come as a dirty vessel. With unforgiveness. With my own agenda. With short-sighted expectations of my Father’s ability. I long to set an example for my children of being set apart. Called higher. Called to be in the world but not of it. To love with the sacrificial supernatural love of Christ. How much more useful we are when we do it God‘s way. And what a stumbling block we are when we insist on our own way. The message hit me right between the eyes today. Lord, cleanse me and sanctify me as a vessel of honor.

Friends, sweet Lucas went to be with Jesus yesterday. Now he is whole and healed and forever free from cancer. And now his family is broken-hearted to have to live without him. His suffering is over, and theirs has intensified. Please, please pray. Our lives will go on…theirs will never EVER be the same again. And while they do have the blessed assurance that they will see their boy again one day, today…today there is unspeakable pain.

Love one another well. Hold tight to your people and don’t skip the extra story and the 14th snuggle. Forgive when you don’t think you should have to, and give more than you think is necessary. Life is a vapor. You won’t regret it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 20:7

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.” John 17:15-19

Letting Go

I am thankful:

~ for the beginning of football season. Is it really the beginning of football season already? Well, Cooper started two-a-days this week, so that meant we were up before the sun. And even though I was in a coma as I drove him, I still appreciated taking in the glorious sunrise. And I love seeing Cooper with a goal in mind. That kid loves him some football!

~for a great time at the Football Moms’ Clinic. It’s a special time for moms to learn a little more about the game and focus on our boys. To sit at their football locker and pray over the upcoming season. To share a meal with other football moms and our sons. It’s always such a sentimental night for me. I attended my first Moms’ Clinic 6 years ago when Colton was a freshman, with Sawyer in my belly. I missed the next year because Sawyer and I were in the hospital, in the critical early stages of his chemotherapy treatment, and the coaches and moms were so kind to us with notes of encouragement. The next 2 years attending with Colton were super special, and now I’ve had a couple years off with no high school football player. So to sit beside my Cooper, who gets taller and more handsome daily, as he starts his freshman year of football, I couldn’t be more proud and thankful.

~ for the opportunity to give blood in honor of an amazing warrior boy. Luke’s birthday was Wednesday, but this year he celebrated it in heaven with Jesus. His family chose to celebrate his life and his memory by encouraging people to donate the gift of life. You may have heard that there is a nationwide blood shortage. Kids with cancer require frequent blood transfusions throughout treatment. Sawyer had dozens. So I was thankful for the opportunity to participate and tell the techs about Luke and about Sawyer. If you can, GO DONATE BLOOD!

~ for a fun, albeit way too short, visit from Uncle Mike and Cousin Kenedy. We got some great snuggles and lots and lots of giggles. My favorite was hearing Kenedy ask for “Clipper” (Cooper).

~ for those rare moments when God allows us to see purpose past our pain. So often we cling to what we want, not knowing He has something far greater. Sometimes we have to let go of what WE THINK we need so that we can receive His BEST!

~for the most amazing honor! Our friends from Minnesota, the Franz’s, shared amazing news. Their 10 year old son, Andrew, participated in the Pinky Swear Foundation Triathlon for childhood cancer, IN SAWYER’S HONOR! Andrew completed a 100 yard swim, 3 mile bike course, and a half mile run. We hope he heard us cheering for him all the way from Texas!

~ for a happy happy birthday for our sweet Zoe Girl. I still can’t wrap my mind around how much our little Brown-eyed girl has grown up. I remember meeting her: 18 months old, bitsy tiny, big watering wide eyes, and absolutely SILENT. She refused to be put down, and Carson Grace carried her so much she wore a sore on her hip. Today Zoe is bubbling with life, dancing and singing everywhere she goes. She is a silly goose and loves to use her imagination. She loved her waffles with sprinkles and whipped cream for breakfast and chose red velvet cupcakes for her cake. Happy birthday ZoZo!

~ for a (hopefully) win-win-win-win situation. We had friends who needed to find homes for some kittens. We had another friend who had been wanting a guinea pig. Our kids really wanted a kitten. Our Dad was anti-kitten, but EXTREMELY in favor of parting with our guinea pig. So much so, that he was willing to acquiesce to a kitten if it meant re-homing the pig. So bottom line, we traded a pig for a kitten. Meet Miss Stella. Bear is PASSIONATELY EXCITED about his new “sister.”

Last night, we were in battle mode. Last minute list checking and Walmart runs. Pack? Keep? Memory box? Toss? We watched Carson Grace’s eternal tornado of a bedroom slowly transform into a stack of boxes and bags and suitcases. Saying goodnight was different. I knew it wasn’t going to be her last night to sleep in her room. But it’s not ever going to be the same. Most likely, whenever she comes back, it will be for a visit. Not to stay. She’ll always have a home to come back to here, but she really may move on and move out for good instead of ever coming back here to stay. Ever my daughter, she was highly sentimental, and we shared lots of tears and sweet words with one another before we settled to bed. I will always treasure those moments with my girl. Today was our hard day. We knew it was coming, and we have worked hard to get ready for this point. Josh and I drove Carson Grace to Marshall and got her all set up in her new dorm room. We rearranged the furniture and mounted her built-to-order Giddyup & Whoa sign over her bed.

We hung her clothes and arranged her mountains of shoes. We set up her coffee bar and had a coffee-making lesson. It turned out absolutely darling, and she loves her personal little oasis.

If this week seems early to start college, it is. Carson Grace starts her 1 week mini-mester class in the morning, and then she’ll be home one more weekend before school starts for real. We are so happy for her, and so proud. We feel great about the environment she’s going to be in, and we know that she never belonged to us, but to God. But I gotta tell you. In spite of all those healthy, grounded, mature FACTS THAT WE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY BELIEVE…all that goes out the window when you drive away from the building where you just left your baby girl by herself. Did we teach her enough? Is she going to make good friends? Is she going to work hard? Is she going to be lonely? We did the best we could the last 18 years, and we made a ton of mistakes along the way. But it’s time to let go and release her with our blessing. And now it’s her turn. To chose. To stand. And I know God’s got her, like He always has, and that she’ll be ok through the good choices and the bad, the sweet times and the heartbreaks. I really do know she’s gonna be ok. I do. But tonight….tonight my house is a little too quiet without the sweet whisper of a ukulele and my favorite voice coming from the door at the end of my kitchen. And my heart feels like a big chunk is gone. Tonight I’m giving myself permission to be sad and miss my girl.

Please continue your faithful prayers for our dear friends Harold and Lucas and their families. God is, and always will be, bigger than cancer. Bigger that anything we fear. Bigger than than anything we face.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24, 26

Home Sweet Home

I am thankful:

~to be HOME! We had such a wonderful trip to the North, and made so many incredible memories, but there is truly NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

~to be out of the car!!!!!! Mercy, 40+ hours is a loooooong time! It was a long drive to Kansas City and then on to Winona, MN over two days. Then we spent a minimum of an hour each day in the car visiting various family members or attractions. 3 hours further North to the cabin in Wisconsin. And then, after such a tiring, jam-packed week of activities, the drive home was TORTURE. It seemed like we would never get to Texas, and once we did, the miles just went on forever. So thankful to be back to our home, our bed, our pets, and our coffee pot!

~for both old and new memories. I truly can’t put into words how meaningful it was for me to revisit places from my early life, and especially to do so with the people I love the most. To show my kids where I went to elementary school and high school. They have seen the pictures of their mama with big 80’s hair as a cheerleader, so it actually meant something to them. It meant something to Josh to see the beautiful surroundings of Decorah, Iowa where I went to college, the dorm where I met my friend Katie. Especially with our own daughter leaving for college soon. (Their running joke all week was that I had rebelled from an Amish heritage and gone to Corn College.) I showed them the treacherous winding gravel road that I rode my bicycle down to Grandma Grace’s house, road with them in the fields where I first learned to drive my Grandpa’s antique tractor, and introduced them to the delicacy of fresh and deep fried CHEESE CURDS! Many of these places also hold memories that are not at all sweet and warm. But to walk the old paths, now as an adult, and to see through the eyes of a new creation in Christ, AND to do it with my family…it was emotional and healing and beautiful. Josh and I even recreated a picture we had taken the first time I brought him to Minnesota to meet my family, 21 years ago. My how we have changed – I scarcely recognize those kids. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

~ for priceless connections with the kids with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great grandparents.

~ for Chick-Fil-A!!! Oh how we missed you! We hit Sulphur Springs on the way home just in time for dinner, and the car erupted in cheers when we pulled up! Tatum K was SO DONE with the car at that point, but she perked up for chicken and french fries!

~ for the best neighbors on the planet. Our sweet friends across the street lovingly tended to our menagerie all week: 2 dogs, cat, guinea pig, and tank of lake fish. Another friend mowed our yard just because. Another maintained our pool so that it was clear and sparkling when we returned. This weekend, Josh was working on a faulty sprinkler in the yard and a neighbor came over with a shovel and spare parts and jumped right in to help! What a blessing to live side by side with such caring folks.

~ for new Dekalb Heublein Seeds hats for all! The kids hardly ever take them off. I took a picture to show my dad, and Sawyer insisted that I take one of him “wif this fing in my mouf, like a REAL FARMER.”

~ for unexpected, unbelievable generosity.

~ for the eager, loving hearts of my kids. “Mom! Come look! There is a beautiful Heavenly Glory outside! Come take a picture!” They are faithful and dedicated prayer warriors for any need, from a tummy ache to cancer. They love to help and cook and they give tremendous foot rubs. And they worship Jesus at the top of their lungs! Our trip served as a powerful reminder of how very special and unique and loving they are.

~ for reaching Sawyer’s 5 year “Cancerversary.” If you follow my Facebook or Instagram, you already read my post on July 23. If not, here you go:

“Cancerversary. So much has become hinged on this day. BC – Before Cancer. AD – After Diagnosis. 5 years ago life as we knew it ended. “Your baby has cancer.” The words fell into the hushed ER room, and time stopped. From that moment on, every single day was lived knowing it could quite literally be the last. I stopped making plans. I lived in a strained tension between the faith I clung to and the grim reality that slapped me in the face every time I walked the halls of the Oncology floor. Fast forward through 3 years of blood transfusions and spinal taps, bone marrow biopsies and adult chemotherapy, of administering shots in our bathroom and my baby taking his first steps in a blow up pool at the hospital. Port placement. Port removal. A near fatal drug overdose/reaction. 2 Christmases in the hospital. Dozens of ER visits and hundreds of trips from Tyler to Dallas. But also relationships built, lives changed, prayers answered. A front row seat to see the Body of Christ rising up and meeting the needs of the broken. We’ve clung to each other and clung to Him for every breath. And God has shown off. His Glory has surrounded us, overwhelmed us, overshadowed us. And today Sawyer is beautiful and bright and strong and healthy. If you didn’t know, you’d never dream he had fought this battle his whole little life. He is proud of his scar on his chest, announcing, “I don’t need a port anymore. Jesus healed-ed me, and NO MORE CANCER!” The doctors said he would experience developmental delays. But God. The doctors gave him 24 hours to live. But God. BUT GOD!!!!”

The end of summer countdown has begun. 2.5 weeks until Littles go back to school. Which means 2.5 weeks until Sawyer will go to school EVERY DAY (as opposed to MWF last year). He’s so excited, so ready. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to let him go. I’m so proud of him, and so thankful to God for allowing him to grow up to be so healthy and bright. He is truly a warrior, an overcomer. Lord, help me to trust You with his life today the way I did when he was a frail, sick baby. Help me to be as brave as Sawyer.

Brave indeed. Next Sunday we will load up and move Carson Grace to Marshall to start her journey at East Texas Baptist University. She is going early to take a week-long mini-mester as a part of her Music Major requirements. My heart isn’t ready to let her go either. I have cried about every 7 minutes all week. I know it’s time, I know she’s ready, and I’m so proud. But she’s my baby girl. Lord, help me to remember that she is Yours, not mine.

Please continue your prayers for sweet Lucas and his family.

And I’m sad to share ANOTHER new diagnosis in East Texas, 3 year old Harold, with an aggressive malignant brain tumor. Little Harold has already endured 2 brain surgeries this month, with a 3rd expected this week. Please lift these precious families to the Lord, for healing and for comfort in the midst of their worst nightmare.

Hug tightly the ones you love. Life can change in an instant. You are faithful Lord, and You are good.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:1-8

Faith Over Fever

I am thankful:

~ for a wonderful slumber party for Samantha and Kora in Carthage with Aunt Gina and Uncle Justin. The girls had the best time helping with meal prep and their lifelong dream came true: the opportunity to EACH choose ANY KIND OF BREAKFAST CEREAL THEY WANTED FROM THE GROCERY STORE. It was a thrilling moment for my girls. Even though they were sad to miss a visit with Grandmommy, who was off on a getaway, they were tickled that she left them a surprise “goodie” at her house. And they took the short drive over to Marshall to get to see where Big Sister Carson Grace will be attending college this fall, and then had several other fun adventures. Such a special outing for my sweet girls.

~ for reminders from the mouths of babes. Driving down the road, I was alone with Tatum K, and I let myself vent aloud (LOUDLY) about a frustration for a moment. Tatum asked me, “Mama too mad?” And I said, “yes baby, Mama is mad.” And she replied immediately, “No Mama! Mama too happy!” Sweet little encourager.

~ for the great blessing and answered prayer of a busy season for Giddyup & Whoa! I am still painting daily, and currently have NINE pieces either completed or nearly so. So very thankful for the support of our little business!

~ for an afternoon outside on the patio with my coffee and the cool breeze from a summer rain.

~ for my hard-working, wonderful husband. He is putting long hours in at work these days, more than 70 hours this week and 12 days straight. And then he comes home and does whatever needs done. The kids and I do our best to see to it that the house is shipshape and a welcoming, restful place for him to come home to. But even when he’s not at work, he’s helping, cleaning, fixing…anything that needs done for us or anyone else. Josh ALWAYS does more than he HAS to do. And he rarely, if ever complains. I love the example that he lives out for his children. So I was thrilled that Saturday (FINALLY a day off) once he was done with his yard work, and I had gotten Littles down for naps, he grabbed my hand and said, “grab our coffee and come float in the pool with me!” And we did just that. The bigger kids were forbidden from coming outside, we cranked up our 80’s/90’s rock station, and we floated on our hot pink rafts. It was perfection. I love that we are still crazy about each other, no matter what life has thrown at us along the way. And I love that some of our best times together can literally be at home doing nothing.

~ for Cooper, who left today for his week at Pine Cove Camp. He was thrilled to have the opportunity to go, and I know it will likely be the very best week of his summer. Praying for him to have a blast with his friends, and that he would receive all that the Lord has prepared for him while he is there. Sure gonna miss him this week.

Even as I actively choose joy and count my blessings, I’m ready to leave this week behind and am hoping for a far better week to come. Out of the blue, Tatum K started running fever on Wednesday. No other symptoms, just fever. As one would expect, a temp of 102.5° made our little spicy girl pretty droopy. All she has wanted was Mama’s lap and the “show-pad.” If she managed to move from my lap, she needed me holding her hand at all times. Another day of fever followed, then another. Today is Day 5. Since Wednesday, I think she has eaten 6 popsicles, 2 apple slices, half a yogurt, and a bowl of tomato soup.

Now listen, I have nine kids, we’ve had nearly every kind of bug AND we have survived cancer, so I’ve seen plenty of fevers. I know she’s OK. Her color is fine, no tummy symptoms, not complaining of any pain. She’s drinking well and having plenty of wet diapers, so she’s not dehydrated. I know that it’s most likely a virus, and that viruses just require supportive care and have to run their course. So I really didn’t feel the need to drag her to a clinic so that the pediatrician could tell me, “She has a virus, she needs supportive care, and it needs to run its course.“ I sound remarkably calm, right? Wrong, wrong, WRONG. Instead of cancer giving me a good perspective on not sweating the small stuff, cancer has wrecked me. During Sawyer’s treatment, fever was our mortal enemy. I watched for it like a hawk. I took Sawyer’s temperature AT LEAST DAILY when he looked well, hourly or more when he didn’t. And the panic clenched tighter with each rising degree if the thermometer began to inch closer to the magic number that would send us barreling back down the highway to the Dallas ER more times than I can count. That was my norm for 4 years. He’s had plenty of fevers since then, all completely normal and without incident, as have all the other children, including Tatum. And I’m sure I’ve had my share of moments of irrational fear. But this time has been different. I’ve really been trying to search it out and better understand myself and my reactions. Part of it is that she’s had no other symptoms. Other fevers have been in conjunction with colds, tummy bugs, teething. But there’s been something deeply unsettling about a fiery hot, rosy cheeked toddler laying wearily on my chest that sends me spiraling. And when I think back to how many days upon days I lived that with Sawyer, especially before we knew he was sick, it’s not really very mysterious.

So I sent a “please-talk-me-down-off-the-ledge“ text to our pediatrician. He was abundantly kind and gracious, even checking in on her via text each day. We talked through symptoms and lack there of, and what to watch for. I’m confident that she’s OK. Her fever has been significantly lower today, and she has perked up quite a bit. I knew she was ok before I texted him, but I still couldn’t shake that sticky, unsettling feeling of fear.

Why is that? Why do we still freak out when we know the truth? I think about how I get onto my girls when they panic every time it lightnings or thunders. It doesn’t matter how many times I reassure them, explain what causes lightning and thunder, or how many times I remind them that they are safe…they don’t believe me enough to stop being afraid. I would never think of admitting that I do not believe God enough to stop being afraid….but that is exactly what I’m doing. I’m not beating myself up, I just know that the more I honestly confess my struggles and confront the fears that relentlessly ambush me, the more Jesus will build my faith and further my healing. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. I love this quote from Ann Voskamp’s prayer, “We may not be fearless but we will be strong and courageous and faithful because our faith in You is greater than the fears in us.” And I openly share this because I know we are all working through our own junk.

Big praises to Jesus for our friend, Georgia, who is home after a wildly successful brain surgery on Monday! And big prayers needed for sweet Baby Lucas as he recovers from his first radiation treatment last week and has a big week ahead of scans and treatments. And for one friend who said the hardest goodbye to her baby boy last week, and another friend who is hoping to meet her son this week. Thank you for continuing to lift these precious families in prayer.

Thanks in advance for praying for Tatum K. As of 9pm, she’s still not fever-free, but this afternoon she was clearly feeling better.

Let’s pray to choose faith over fear this week. Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” Mark 9:23-24

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” II Timothy 1:7

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7

Grace

Grace. Defined as “the unmerited favor of God toward man.” It’s the good we get that we don’t deserve. Oh, how we need grace. It’s something I’m always begging God for more of, and I’m so thankful that it’s something He never runs out of. I’m counting on heaping helpings of that grace to get me through this summer with all these kiddos and all the big changes that are coming this fall.

I am thankful for GRACE.

One of my kiddos had a pretty bad day. Well, pretty much it’s been A BUNCH of bad days piggybacked on top of each other. And I’ve had to discipline a lot. Like a LOT LOT. And it left me feeling discouraged and sour and like the World’s Meanest Mommy. But Saturday morning, I stretched my my arms open, and this child crawled up into my lap.

I whispered, “I love you,”

and they said, “I love you too.”

And I said, “Do you know I love you even when I get onto you?”

“Yes,”

“And do you know WHY I get onto you?”

They replied, “because you love me and so I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time.”

Deep sigh. Big squeeze. Tiny tears from mama’s eyes that I tried to hide in their hair as I held them tighter. Ok, maybe not the ACTUAL meanest mommy in the WHOLE world. Thankful to my loving father who gives me the grace I need to be a mama to so many. And the unique grace He gives me to be the exact mama that each ONE CHILD needs at that moment. God, give me the grace to extend that grace to others, especially my children.

~ for my flyswatter. Anybody else dealing with 834,267,559 flies?

~ for our cardinal family. I’ve been captivated by watching their nest and the comings and goings of the parents. Now there’s a baby bird out of the nest, not yet strong enough to fly. It hides itself all around our yard and the neighbors’, and the Mama and Daddy cardinals tirelessly tend to it and bring it food. So far our benevolent neighbors have not called the cops on me for climbing my ladder and constantly peering over their fence with my telescopic camera lens.

~ for the community of prayer warriors who rise up around a need. If you follow me on social media, you likely saw my urgent prayer request for our beloved nurse Kelly and her infant son, Lucas. He has been battling rhabdoid tumors for several months and just recently has started experiencing a decline of appetite and increased pain. A CT this week indicated a new tumor. And y’all hit your knees. Kelly was thankful to report that the mass was not attached to his brain, and that the insertion of an NG tube should provide a nutritional boost to increase Lucas‘s strength as he continues his brave fight. How I wish there was no cancer for him to fight, but today we have the grace to praise God for every piece of encouraging news! You can follow Lucas’ journey on Caringbridge.

~ It’s been a big week for our oldest daughter. Monday Josh, Carson Grace, and I drove to Marshall, TX for New Student Orientation at East Texas Baptist University (ETBU). It’s such a beautifully manicured campus, and all the staff and other students and families were so friendly. After the first general welcome session, all students and parents headed to meet with the heads of the major they had chosen, for Carson Grace, that was Communications. She hasn’t been sure what exactly she’d want to do in that field, but she has some interests and strengths in those areas, so it seemed like a good place to start. Next was a meeting with the department heads for whatever you want to minor in: Music/Worship Arts. Carson Grace was eager to meet with these professors and discuss the choirs and worship team. The head of the Worship Arts department begin to ask lots of specific, pointed questions: “So why are you here?“ “What are you passionate about?” After just a few of her responses, he said… “I don’t know, but you sound like a music major to me!” That was such an unexpected, abrupt shift that caught all of us unaware. But when he asked her, “Do you like music? Or do you LOVE music? For me…” he said, “I’m interested in a lot of things, but music is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s what makes me tick.” And her eyes filled with tears as she said, “ I love it. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do.”

And that was that. She’s a music major! Thank you God for the grace to take a step out in faith.

~ also this week, Carson Grace had her very first job interview. After about 25 minutes, she walked out with the job!

~ not only that, Carson Grace, our sweet girl, our Princess Peanut, turned 18. I swear, yesterday she was a baby. A bitsy, blue-eyed baby, sucking her thumb behind a pink crocheted blanket. A tiny, sassy toddler shaking her thing to the Wiggles “Pony Song.” We’ve ridden the predictably unpredictable hormone roller coaster, cried happy tears and tears of frustration, and learned the hard way how to communicate. Josh says she’s just like me: sometimes that’s a compliment, and sometimes it’s most assuredly NOT. But as I look at her as a young adult, a young woman, my heart is bursting with so much pride and so much hope for her future that it genuinely feels like pain.

Grace was my grandmother. My dad‘s mom. She was a farmer, a school bus driver, 4-H leader, and a world traveler. She knew how to cook and sew and her house was cozy and neat as a pin.

I pretty much grew up at her house, at her kitchen table, in her garden, and in her basement. I spent all my time with her when I was little bitty, but when I grew older, I spent time with her by choice. I would ride my bicycle 3 miles down the treacherously steep loose gravel road that led from our family farm to her house in the valley. I loved to be at Grandma’s house. I played “olden days,” dressing up in her old furs and hats from the 50s and the reading the old primers she had saved from when my dad was a little boy. I waded and fished in the creeks around her house. We watched deer and birds and squirrels from her windows, and watched the trees explode into color on the bluffs that rose up around her on every side. She was feminine, but not girlie, and I never remember seeing her wear a drop of makeup. She loved me unconditionally and was my biggest fan and supporter through every endeavor. I loved my Grandma. And even though I never expected to have a daughter, when I found out that my second baby was going to be a girl, it was a given that I would name her Grace. Josh and I traveled from Texas back to Minnesota about once a year to visit early in our marriage, and each time it was more heartbreaking to see Grandma’s health decline as Parkinson’s Disease robbed her of her physical strength and independence. She passed away when Carson Grace was 6. But I will always treasure the memories I have of her, and I love sharing them with my kids. I know she would have gotten such a kick out of my crazy oversized Tribe, and they all would have loved her just like I did. And I’m so proud that my first-born daughter bears the name of such a special lady, one who lived up to the definition of the word.

Let’s love lavishly and extend extra measures of grace this week! Everybody else needs it just as much as you do.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:7-9

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16