Overshadowed

I am thankful:

~ for the Rucker bus. Most of you know we have 9 kids and drive a 12 passenger van. We love it. It is a big spectacle, we get lots of stares, and we’ve been told it looks like a “dad’bern giant toaster.” But it is so comfortable for our family, and has been a terrific vehicle for 6 years now. A little over a week ago, the rear AC stopped working. In Texas, even in October, you can’t drive a dad’bern giant toaster full of children with no AC. They get crispy quick! So we took it to the dealership for repair. That left me with no other options but a 6- seater truck to drive 7 kids around (7 kids PLUS ME). Thankfully, we had no issues, and no onlookers did a head count and called CPS. The bus was in the shop for a full week, but now it’s back and climate control restored. It was a good exercise for all of us on FAMILY CLOSENESS. And now we have RENEWED APPRECIATION for our spacious bus!

~ Bear is most especially grateful that the bus is fixed. With so many kiddos illegally crammed in a sardine can, there was most definitely no room for a giant, hairy muppet! He missed out on his rides to and from school, and is glad to be my co-pilot once more.

~ for a special Kindergarten Special Kid week. This is always the highlight of any Kindergartener at GCS. And this was Sawyer’s turn. He has talked about it “coming up” for at least 2 weeks, counting down the days with such anticipation. THIS KID WAS EXCITED!!! Each day was a different fun thing: Monday, he brought his poster.

Tuesday, a favorite toy. Wednesday, Mama read his favorite book to the class, “Dr. Seuss ABC book.”

Thursday was “bring-a-special-snack-and-an-award. So that meant fudgy brownies and Beads of Courage. It’s more and more remarkable to see Sawyer growing up into himself as he boldly and openly shares his story in front of his peers. “I had cancer in my blood when I was a baby. I had to take chemo and all my hair falled out.” His classmates asked several questions about the beads, amazed at the number of white chemo beads and green hospital stay beads. Sawyer showed them the black beads representing all the pokes, shots, and port accesses he had over the years. He laughed, “some of my medicines made me get big chubby cheeks.” It was a very impactful presentation by a remarkable boy.

Friday was “Family Day,” and as many of us as were able gathered in the tiny chairs at the front of his classroom to share what we love about him. Another simple day that we have celebrated with each of our kiddos, that now has so much more meaning, because we didn’t know if he would be here.

~ for crispy BBQ chicken legs fresh off the grill.

~ for Cooper’s team coming back from Gilmer with a win! Go Cougars!

~ for friends who have donated for the Children’s Hospital Prize Closet Toy Drive. Our friend, warrior Mama, and eloquent advocate and writer Shelby (also known as Sophie the Brave’s mom, and now Baby Connor’s Mom) shared the request on her FB page, and we had a great response of donations in Sophie’s honor. We are definitely still in need. We’ve got a week left and we are definitely behind from last year’s toy donation. There’s still time to drop of toys in Tyler or Carthage (contact me!) or you can donate via www.goldnetworkoet.com/donate and we will shop for you! Thank you so much for all who have already given so generously.

~ for one of the most epically successful hauls in my Large Item Trash Pickup weeks of all time! I found table legs, finials, a vintage film box, a coffee table top that will make a perfect sign, 2 dining chairs (that we needed to replace 2 broken ones), a great stack of wide plank reclaimed wood, several great baskets, and a beautiful 9 foot Christmas tree! Oh how I love treasure week!

~ for a successful oral surgery for Josh. He has had chronic tooth issues over the years, and undergone multiple root canals, surgeries, and an implant. His mouth has been flaring up again, causing headaches and jaw pain, so it was time for yet another surgery to remove an infected tooth, as well as some bone grafting to prepare for an eventual new crown. Josh made it through the surgery well, and was pleasantly surprised with the custom retainer he was fitted with to disguise the missing tooth while his mouth heals. I got to be his nurse for the day, and I will enthusiastically present him with the Worst Patient of All Time Award. But we both survived it, and are glad he is on the path toward a healthier mouth.

~ for 2 fantastic nights at CityFest! We’ve been hearing about CityFest for nearly 2 years, praying for it and it’s impact on our city. But as it actually approached, I had increasing second thoughts about attending. I knew it would be H-O-T. I knew there would be about a bazillion people there. It just sounded like a big ‘ole hassle. But Cooper really wanted to go, and he worked on me until I gave in. We loaded everybody up, picked Dad up from work, and hoped for the best. A bazillion people was about right! The massive stage spanned all the way across Broadway, with jumbotrons on each side. People were EVERYWHERE.

But we found a good spot in the middle of the street, and settled in. The atmosphere was loud and lively. The kids were excited even though they had no idea what was going on. The concerts were top notch, Blanca, Ryan Stevenson, and Newsboys DID NOT DISAPPOINT! It was such a great show, and the kids were all thrilled to see the artists in REAL LIFE singing songs they sing along with on the radio. They sang and danced their hearts out! Amazing to have such an epic event, TOTALLY FREE! Even more amazing, it was incredible to see so many people of every color and walk of life gathered together for an openly Christian gathering. Evangelist Andrew Palau shared his personal testimony and an encouraging message of hope. We caught the fever, and there was no question that we would come back for the second night. We had a great time watching Pat Barrett, Neil McCoy, and Lacrae. What a fantastic show! I know that hearts were touched and lives were changed at Cityfest, and I’m so thankful we got to be a part of it.

My heart is heavy with a devastating loss in our Gold Network family. We met the Reed family in 2015 at Children’s Hospital. Micah, a vibrant 11 year old, had just relapsed with leukemia. He fought bravely until God eventually healed him by taking him to heaven on September 11, the day before the first Tyler Gold Run. Micah’s mom, Sandy, continued to honor her son’s memory by pouring into others and advocating for hurting families. Friday night, on the way home from a football game, was killed in a horrific traffic accident. Her sister was killed also, and son Jacob and a niece were severely injured but survived. When a dear friend notified me of the tragedy, my first thought was, “No God, WHY???!!!” And my second thought was of the glorious reunion between Micah and his sweet Mama. But what a hole of hurt and pain left here on earth for all the people who love her. The Reed family’s hometown is Sulphur Springs, and this small East Texas town has risen up in a BIG WAY to rally support. Tomorrow they are encouraging people to wear gold and blue to honor Sandy and her family. And I will include the link to a wonderful article about the community support, and how you can donate if you feel led.

Josh’s tooth trouble has gotten me thinking this week…isn’t it so strange how one tiny festering tooth can cripple you? It takes over everything. It’s such a nagging, aggravating pain that you can’t get away from. One little tooth. That’s how my week has been. It’s been a great week, full of blessings. But I’ve been distracted by something personal, one nagging thing crippling my joy. So my joy didn’t feel as joyful, it tasted a little flat. The pounding of pain and worry worked its way in front of everything else, and overshadowed the beauty God tried to show me each day. BUT GOD. That nag, even though I did allow it to dominate, it did press me in to the Lord. Oh the hours I spent in prayer. I prayed when I woke up in the night, and prayers of thanksgiving were the first thing on my lips each morning. Not because I’m so spiritual. But because I was SO DRY AND SO DESPERATE. So what the enemy intended for evil, a nag to overshadow my joy and distract me from my blessings…God redeemed for good. I struggled hard this week. But I’m so thankful to say that He has already done a mighty Work in the midst of the trial, and I’m praying it was a spiritual breakthrough. It doesn’t always work that way. I know we have all been through trials that have persisted a whole lot longer than a week. Sometimes we go years without seeing breakthrough. And sometimes it looks nothing like what we expected or hoped or asked for. I am just ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT that our Good Good Father is always at work, and never ceases the refining process when we give Him full access to our lives. The nagging pain of trial is often a symptom of a developing habit or stronghold or stumbling block that He wants to set us free from. What do we need to lay down? Pride? Anxiety? Control? Fear of man’s opinion? (Pride is pretty much the root of all that, when you boil it down). Anyway, I am ready for the week ahead. Armed with Scripture and the protected by Armor of God, I feel geared up, encouraged, and ready to kick the devil in the face when (not if) he comes at me. Not this week Satan. I will let Mighty God, the Maker of heaven and earth, overshadow me, not my circumstances.

Let’s love one another well this week. Lift up someone who is hurting. Life is too short to walk past someone who needs a minute of your time. You ARE the answer to someone’s prayers.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!”” Psalms 91:1-2

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” Ephesians 6:10-13

Don’t Give Up

I am thankful:

~ for breathing easier. You might remember that Cooper was injured at football practice about a month ago. His hip is fully recovered, but we had another issue hanging over our heads with his health. The EMT on site that day was concerned with Cooper’s heart rhythm, and said we needed to follow up with our primary care physician. We did, and THAT doctor felt it best to err on the conservative side, referring Cooper to a pediatric heart specialist. That appointment was this week. When we arrived, the nurse noted Cooper’s blood pressure as slightly elevated (which could easily have been caused by his anxiety about the appointment). But also, the repeat EKG showed the same concerning abnormality, and prompted the doctor to do an echocardiogram. Thankfully, the anatomy of Cooper’s heart looked perfectly healthy, and the doctor said Cooper is fine. He has an electrical dysrhythmia, an abnormal electric impulse in his heartbeat, but it is not causing any issues. The specialist wants to see him back in a year to make sure nothing is developing into a problem, but otherwise cleared him for all activities, including football! Those were the magic words Coop had been waiting to hear. So it was very special to get to see him take the field with his team Thursday night. Thank You God for taking care of our boy!

~for the sound of little voices lifted in praise. I love that my Littles love Christian music. It’s mostly what we listen to in the car every day. I don’t say that to sound preachy or to brag that we are doing something good. It’s just a choice that I’ve made after hearing my kids sing some less-than-wholesome lyrics that just didn’t sound right coming out of their a little mouths. So anyway, even Tatum has a few songs that she knows, and I love to hear her tiny “hallelujah,” and see her lifted hands. My middle girls are entering the preteen years, and they love music so much. So they sing out with ALL THEIR MIGHT. And I have to hide my giggles when the tone is more enthusiastic than melodious. I know it all sounds beautiful to the Lord.

~ for a reprieve from the oppressively hot weather. We have had a few days that almost feel like fall is coming.

~for one of our most amazing and inspiring experiences since creating the Gold Network of East TX. One of our sweet Hero girls, Aneesa, was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma in the first grade. She bravely fought through her treatment, and is now an 8th grader at Moore Middle School here in Tyler. She asked her principal to do a Go Gold fundraiser at their school. He said no. Disappointed, but determined, she wrote him a THREE PAGE LETTER explaining what she had been through as a child with cancer, her compassion for other kids with cancer, and shared with him the maddening statistic that less than 4% of federal research funding is directed toward childhood cancer research.

She told him about Gold Network of ETX, and how we have supported her family and her other friends with cancer, and asked him to reconsider and Go Gold. He agreed! Aneesa got on the announcements at her school, shared the news that she was celebrating being 7 years cancer-free, and asked them to pay $2 to wear gold or yellow on the designated day. Her classmates and the faculty were incredibly supportive, and raised over $1000!

I was invited to their pep rally this week (as was the local news station) where Aneesa presented me with a giant check in front of her whole school! I could not have been more proud! What an inspiration this young lady is! She is taking the biggest challenge of her life and turning it into a blessing for others – and is refusing to take “no” for an answer! She didn’t give up! Josh told her he could envision her being the first of our Hero kids to join our GNET board one day. Aneesa was absolutely GLOWING. Love that sweet, sweet girl.

~ for a wonderful evening with some of our Tyler Gold Run volunteer team. We gathered at our big table around a feast of C Rojos decadent tacos and burgers and visited and laughed and just encouraged one another. Then we busted out some delicious pies and coffee and talked about the high points of Tyler Gold Run 2019 and goals for improvement for next year’s event. We got such great feedback, and I just treasure each one of these dedicated individuals who give of their time and energy to support the vision and mission of GNET. I am STILL more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. Another year older, I find I just don’t bounce back the way I once did. But I am so excited to see all that God has in store for us in the upcoming year, and all the lives GNET is going to touch.

~ A friend texted me the most touching and surprising note. She keeps a Sawyer shirt in her classroom as a reminder to pray for him, and so many others of course. We don’t often think about that most of our prayer requests are not one and done. It’s always a process, always a journey. when someone is sick, we pray for healing, but do we continue to pray for recovery? When we know someone is about to have a baby, we pray for the pregnancy and a healthy delivery. Do we continue to pray for the momma during the sleepless nights? And that the baby will grow strong and healthy? That momma is never going to stop needing our prayers. I’m so grateful for the friends who don’t stop praying. The ones who continue to pray more than five years after Sawyer was diagnosed. Who pray for my adopted children for the different things that they are working through. That pray for all of my kids, that pray for my marriage, and pray for me. We have to be faithful to lift one another up. Don’t give up!

~ for a fun day watching our yummy 1 year old cousin, Emmett. He loved the Bear, and kept me on my toes with his exploring. Tatum K surprised me with her jealousy and how decidedly and passionately she hoarded “HER” things. Our prissy princess had quite the furrowed frown! I also got some good baby sugars from baby Coby this week. I’ve been itching to get my hands on him for a long time.

~ for so many generous donations for the Children’s Hospital Toy Drive. We are so excited to refill the prize closet at the clinic next month. There’s still time to donate!

~ for an unexpected surprise. Looks like it is large item pick up week again! Already this evening just running an errand, I have seen pile after pile on the curb. In less than 20 minutes I scored a pair of shutters, and antique file box, and a set of finials off a bedframe. It’s going to be a great week!

I know I am not alone in saying: this parenting stuff is HARD, y’all. HARD!!! No matter how many kids you have, or what their ages, whatever you’re walking through, it’s just a different flavor of hard. Our family is in a unique situation with so many kids on so many points along the timeline. Not many parents are training toddlers, navigating Littles, preteens, teens, and young adults simultaneously. The needs are relentless. I can’t remember a time when ALL NINE of them were all doing solidly OK at the same time. Somebody’s always mad at us or at each other. Somebody’s in trouble. Somebody’s sick. Something is falling apart with at least one of them at all times. It’s like whack a mole. But I’m the one who consistently takes the mallet to the head. Parenting HURTS. I know we will get through it, and I know God is always at work. But I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I just feel like I want to run away. But God. I am thankful for new mercies every morning, and I’m thankful that the outcomes are not up to me doing everything right. God knew what He was doing when He chose me to be the Mama for each one of my babies, and He has faithfully, consistently, and without fail given me the grace to walk through sleepless nights and cancer, fostering and rebellion, adoption and selfishness and defiance and everything else that life has thrown at us. And no matter how weary Josh and I get, we are never giving up. We won’t ever give up on any of our kids, and we will fight for them on our knees and in our hearts as long as we have breath. Don’t lose heart friends. Don’t give up when it’s hard. Read the extra story. Give the extra hug. Say you’re sorry when you screw up. And don’t be so hard on yourself. God is working on them and He is working on you. God is doing His thing. Let Him. Anyway, I needed to say all that to encourage myself, and I figured maybe somebody else needed it too.

Let’s love one another well this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31

Reset Button

I am thankful:

~ that Tatum K and Sawyer are both feeling so much better. Still some ever-lingering hacking coughs, but no more fevers. Thank You Jesus! It’s amazing how this virus knocked them down. They have been so completely exhausted all week. I snapped pictures in the car each day after school.

~ for so many people sharing how they are Going Gold. Profile pictures, wearing gold, sports teams, or making generous donations to the prize closet. It encourages my heart so much to see that people really do care, and that the word IS SPREADING! You are MAKING A DIFFERENCE, FRIENDS!

~ for hot, cheesy, gooey homemade pizza.

~ for our sweet, OLD, grumpy grandpa dog, Cricket. He turned 14 this week. He is deaf as a post, halfway blind, and HATES Bear. But we sure do love him. Happy Birthday, Cricket.

~ for good help right when I need it. A sweet friend called to say, “I have a free day. Let me ride around and ask businesses for giveaway prizes. I could sell ice to an Eskimo!” What a blessing! And he was right! In a few short hours, he stocked us up with FABULOUS prizes for the post-race drawings! Thanks Jarrod! And we also had a super efficient morning filling race bags, organizing medals, and sorting t-shirts. The student volunteers worked steadily to get it done, and the support from the school maintenance staff was OUTSTANDING. I also had a friend help me get Cooper to AND from his Pine Cove work retreat with his youth group. Not only THAT, I found out that my son went to camp WITH NO BEDDING OR TOWEL, and she took care of him for me! Thank you, Emily!!!! (I‘ll check his packing next time!)

~ for a new milestone for Cooper – his first “ask” to a dance. Thankful for his creative big sister who made his poster, and for a sweet friend to go to Homecoming with in a few weeks.

~ for great time for Sawyer at Donuts With Dad this week. When the note came home about it, he was bouncing OFF THE WALLS. And it’s ALL he talked about ALL week. “FOUR more days till Donuts With Dad!” “Only THREE more days til we have donuts, Daddy!” “You know what TOMORROW is????” The actual event did not disappoint. Josh and the other dads had good times with their kiddos. And Sawyer’s teacher commented on how much his face lit up when Daddy walked in. Moments like this are such a big deal for us. Maybe you can’t understand. But when you’ve done these fun little milestones and events with all your other kids, the kind of events that you really do take for granted….and you were never quite sure if you were going to get to do it with this one… I don’t know what else to say. It’s just a really big deal.

~ for the simple sweet moments that refuel the heart. Friday was INSANE. In the course of the day I fielded more than 20 emails and 152 text messages. We scoped out Bergfeld Park to map out our new layout. I put out more posters and signs. Picked up 800 race shirts in 10 GIANT BOXES and crammed them into our bus like a Tetris game around the 7 kids and dog. It was 90 to nothing ALL DAY. But then I had a moment. In the afternoon there was this tiny little window of time to sit and put my feet up and be quiet. And then a little boy woke up from his nap. Sweaty little curls on his neck, he crawled up into my lap and put his head on my chest. “I love you mama.” That was the reset button I needed. I squeezed that boy a little too tight for a little too long.

~ and can I just say, I am SO THANKFUL and EXCITED about our new Tyler Gold Run t-shirts! We wanted to change up the design for our 5 year anniversary, and our talented graphic designer did a terrific job! Aren’t they great!!??

~ and Friday STILL wasn’t over! We had fun taking the kids to Elementary Night at the GCS varsity football game. They bounced in the bounce houses, ran around with their friends, and formed a spirit line for the players to run in through. I’m not sure if any of them watched any football.

The Littles were CAPTIVATED with the football game

~ for a fantastic evening of fellowship. We have stepped out in faith to be a host home for a 10-week Small Group Bible study. It’s been a LONG TIME. Hosting and opening up our home has been a central part of our lives for most of our married life. We had 50 people in our home EVERY. SUNDAY. for YEARS. And LOVED IT. But everything stopped when we started fostering our 3 Littles in 2013. Small group, church, Sunday school, school activities. Basically anything outside the home. That season was just so hard, and we had to focus all our energy on their needs. Then Sawyer was born. And just when we thought we had caught our breath and were about ready to rejoin society…then cancer stole everything away. And it’s taken a really long time to get back into normalcy. There’s the emotional side – my anxiety kicks my butt and keeps me from wanting to be in social situations; we feel so DIFFERENT, because the war we’ve been through over the past 6 years has changed us in pretty much every way. But then just the practical side – we have a giant family, and opening our home or going to someone else’s is both intimidating and a ton of work! But man! Stepping out of the comfort zone, stepping out into a scary place in obedience….it is SO right where God wants us! It is stressful and stretching and sometimes uncomfortable and sometimes even inconvenient. And the fruit it bears is LIFE GIVING AND LIFE CHANGING! Letting people into our lives and our homes is where LIFE HAPPENS. It was a great night. So very thankful.

~ and for my sweet girls who Go Gold without being told. They just instinctively chose gold/yellow outfits for church today. So sweet.

This week, I connected with 2 more cancer mamas. They have both had children diagnosed in the last couple months, and both in East Texas. Reaching out to them and adding their pictures to our wall of Heroes at the upcoming race was such a powerful paradigm shift for me. Talk about a reset button. It’s so easy for me to get swamped by the mountainous to-do lists: clearing our route with the police department, making sure we have volunteers, health department, street department, water, signs, SOCIAL MEDIA POSTS THREE TIMES A DAY….there is just so much to do. But then is the staggering reminder: these 2 families lives are falling apart right now. And one of our sweet friends who is almost done with treatment had to be unexpectedly hospitalized due to fever and low counts. And tomorrow is Lucas’s birthday, and instead of enjoying a smash cake and taking a zillion pictures, his mama and daddy are away on a trip, trying to comfort one another. It is these staggering heartbreaks that help me focus back in on the WHY. These are WHY we do what we do. These families are WHY I wear gold every single day and cover my bus with gold magnets and spend hours a day on my phone. These are such small, insignificant things that on their own mean very little. But alongside everything everyone else is doing….and fueled by the UNSURPASSABLE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST…. I genuinely believe it makes a difference to these families. Because they all deserve to be SEEN AND HEARD AND RALLIED AROUND. They need to know they are not walking alone.

It’s gonna be a BIG WEEK! I have interviews and morning shows, elementary chapel, and Friday night will be Go GOLD night at the GCS football game. And then Tyler Gold Run is SATURDAY!!!! I’m totally thrilled and completely overwhelmed. It’s not too late to register as a runner, walker, or just give a donation. And we also have lots of volunteer opportunities as well. And as always, I’m so grateful for your prayers over all the big and the small details. At least the weather forecast looks better than last year’s….AND, Sunday is the Opening Ceremony for the Lone Star Circle of Life Bike Tour, an incredible organization/event that raises awareness for Organ Donation in the state of Texas. Our pastor and his wife have been involved for years because of their son Josh, who was an organ recipient as a teenager, and then later an organ donor when he passed away. Because of our relationship with them, we have been big fans of the Circle of Life for years. But this year, Brother Joe reached out and informed me that they also honor people who have received blood transfusions; and that they wanted to honor and ride for Sawyer! Talk about humbled and overwhelmed! Another of our precious Gold Network Hero kids, Jessi Brown, who passed away 2 years ago is also being honored, along with many other donors and recipients. Did I mention it is a BIG WEEK!!???

I’m also excited about the unique opportunity presented by our school through the ministry of World Vision: the Matthew 25 challenge. Perhaps another “Reset Button,” if you will. As parents and students, each day has a different specific challenge based on Matthew 25:35-40.

Monday – “I was hungry” : Fast from snacks and desserts, and only eat rice and beans for dinner.

Tuesday – “I was thirsty” : Give up all drinks today except for water.

Wednesday – “I was a stranger” : Sleep on the floor tonight.

Thursday – “I needed clothes” : Wear the same clothes to work/school that you wore yesterday.

Friday – “I was sick … I was in prison” : Reach out to someone going through a difficult time.

Our kids are all very eager to participate. We’ll see what they think by the end of the week. I’m blessed to walk beside them as we talk about what is REALLY MEANS to love and serve the least of these.

Let LOVE OTHERS WELL this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” Matthew 25:34-40

Choosing a Soundtrack

I am thankful:

~ for an uneventful day off from school. It was nice and quiet. The kids had fun in the pool. It was a lovely nothing day.

~ for a special, special day that I never could have dreamed we would see. Our 20 year anniversary! The naive kids who repeated vows 2 decades ago would have rightfully been nominated “Least Likely to Succeed.” We had everything against us. But God breathed His life into us, and into our marriage. He knit us together because we only had each other. He took us through the fire and refined our love and our faith. I scarcely recognize those kids. But I love what our life has become. We enjoyed our new favorite C Rojo’s burger and grapefruit sodas for lunch, and thanked God for 20 beautiful, hard, grace-laced, overcoming years. This was what I posted that day:

“These two kids didn’t have a clue. We were wild and naive and crazy about each other. We had a baby. And then found Jesus. And then got married. Had some more babies and adopted one. Lost a baby, adopted some more, and had another baby all in one year. Then came cancer. More cancer, and ANOTHER baby. I am blown away by the quantity and quality of life and love God has packed into 20 years. We chose each other when we didn’t know any better. Now I know, and I’d choose you again and again and forever. And to borrow from another favorite love story, “Let ‘me say we’re crazy. What do they know? Put your arms around me baby, don’t ever let go. Let the world around us, just fall apart. Baby we can make it if we’re heart to heart.” Happy Anniversary to my Love.”

~for an uncommonly cooperative and photogenic dog. He doesn’t mind being a Giddyup & Whoa model or a Gold Network spokesdog. But he does get tired after all the limelight.

~for exciting updates from our graphic designer for this year’s Tyler Gold Run shirts! We wanted something fun and different to celebrate 5 years. Can’t show you yet…but I can’t wait!!!! There’s still time to register!

~ for so many heartwarming reports of people “Going Gold!” You have changed your profile pictures, shared awareness posts, worn gold… THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, and the hearts of so many families who live childhood cancer awareness month every single day, not because they choose to, but because it is the reality of the life they now live.

~for healing. Cooper’s hip is mending well. Kora has had a chronically recurrent ear infection that is improving. Sawyer has had a yucky cough. That’s not uncommon for him. He always catches whatever crud is going around. He was coughing by the second day of school, and pretty much has been ever since. I try not to not be too quick to drag him to the doctor’s office, because I know everybody gets a cold at back to school time. And I know I am oversensitive and overprotective with Sawyer. Unfortunately, Monday night, he started running fever. High fever, over 102°. We kept him home from school of course, but resisted the urge to jump straight to the doctor, for the same reasons referenced before. But the cough worsened enough that it was keeping him up all night. And me. And Tatum K. After three days of significant fever and increasing coughing, I finally took him in to the pediatrician. Pneumonia. Now after missing a full week of school, and a few days on antibiotics, the fever has lifted and the cough is at least a little better. BUT, now Tatum K is running fever. Sigh. Just one exceptionally exhausting act in the intricate dance of a large family. BUT GOD…

~ for melatonin. When your child physically does not have a “get sleepy” button, you MAKE SURE you NEVER run out of melatonin.

When life is super busy (back to school + a million kids + Giddyup & Whoa painting + crunch time in preparation for the Gold Run) and then we have a health curveball… it really sends me spiraling. Anxiety doesn’t play nice, and is merciless in its attacks. Rest at night is almost nonexistent. I often feel paralyzed by all I have to get done, and physically feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. Somehow I had recently heard some song, just a snippet of a really terrible song, and it got stuck in my head. It was absolutely maddening. After about 3 days, I realized how it was absolutely MESSING WITH ME! It was quite literally a vulgar and negative soundtrack playing constantly in my head. But once I keyed in on it…I took action right away. I turned on my worship music and began to SING! Every time the negative song would creep back into the background, I would silence it with prayer and singing. Changing the soundtrack of my day made a huge difference in my peace. Have you ever noticed that? That you replay something over and over in your mind? And how much more often it is something NEGATIVE than anything remotely positive? We replay a scathing argument, but rarely an uplifting encouragement. Recognizing this habit, and acknowledging the negative impact it has on our mood and our spirit can be such a life changing paradigm shift.

I’m ready for a better week. Sawyer is excited to return to school after several days on his antibiotic and now fever-free. I pray Tatum K recovers quickly and no one else gets sick. I have a to-do list 86 miles long, but I trust God to provide the grace I need breath by breath. And it may not all get done, and it probably won’t all go perfectly, but that’s ok too. BUT GOD…

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When every day is just another struggle / And every choice is an act of war / Gotta pray, gotta press on to the prize worth fighting for / When it feels like I’ll never make it / When my heart’s crying out for more / Gotta pray, gotta press on to the prize worth fighting for.” (“Prize Worth Fighting For” Jamie Kimmett)

“I hear the whisper underneath your breath / I hear you whisper, you have nothing left / I will send out an army / To find you in the middle of darkest night / It’s true, I will rescue you / I will never stop marching / To reach you in the middle of the hardest fight / It’s true, I will rescue you. (“Rescue” Lauren Daigle)

“Now I have resurrection power / living on the inside Jesus / You have given us freedom No longer bound by sin and darkness / living in the light of Your goodness / You have given us freedom Freedom, You have given us freedom, You have given us freedom, my chains are gone! Freedom, You have given us freedom, You have given us freedom, HALLELUJAH!” (“Resurrection Power” Chris Tomlin)

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9)

Go GOLD for Kids With Cancer

I am thankful:

~ for conversations overheard in the car:

“I really wanna go to Massachusetts!”

“Well I really want to go to Chinese!”

“I want a really cheap car.”

“No, you can’t have that. Cheap cars are really, really expensive!”

~ for my Coop. I got a pretty terrifying phone call from Josh Tuesday evening. Cooper got hit hard during football practice and at the moment I was called, there was an ambulance and firetruck on the field. Thankfully, a trip to the ER confirmed that nothing was broken. Only a hyperextended hip and some torn ligaments. We are disappointed that he will miss a few weeks of playing time, but so very thankful that the injury wasn’t worse.

~for my first Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season. And it was even better because Colton showed up with it on my doorstep!

~ for a GOLDEN WEEK. Oh my goodness, it was insanely busy and so much work. I ate, slept, and breathed Gold. Very little sleep actually. The “to-do” list always runs and runs through my head and won’t let me rest. But God gave me so much grace to keep it all rolling. And blessed me with such wonderful and thoughtful encouragers who lift me with prayer and kindness.

So thankful for my incredible husband, who shares the vision and drive, and is willing to put his hands to the work behind the scenes. I envisioned a wall of our Hero kids’ pictures, and he built exactly what I described. IN ONE AFTERNOON! He is just amazing. And he’s a great sport about all the little gold sparkles that have spread from one end of our house to the other.

~ i’m thankful that I have the most wonderful and generous people in the world to work alongside. And the absolute most incredible Childhood Cancer community to serve. I met several families for the first time on Thursday. Many of them I’ve only corresponded with by phone or email. I’ve seen the pictures of their precious children, and prayed for them, but it is still so overwhelming to actually meet face-to-face and hug one another. It is the worst, best group of people to belong to.

~ for such a special night at Go GOLD Tyler. We had more than 20 Childhood Cancer families represented, and so many loyal supporters. Our Heroes and their families walked the Gold Carpet, and we released balloons for the children who are now in heaven with Jesus. And I genuinely believe families are realizing that they are not alone. That others understand their pain, that others really care, and that their children and their personal struggles MATTER. Awareness and family connection is spreading, and that has been exactly our hope and prayer for Gold Network of ETX. You can watch our HERO video here.

~ for a successful online auction and for the remarkable generosity that landed that stunning painting EXACTLY where it was meant to be. God’s orchestration is just indescribable!

~ for the best hamburger I have ever had in my hamburger-loving-life! Thank you C Rojos!

~ for endless cups of coffee and a day of pajamas-on-the-couch on Friday (the day after Go GOLD). I Could. Not. Move. Seriously, it took about 3 days to recover.

~ for the very best surprise! My doorbell rang, and it was MY GIRL! Carson Grace came home for the holiday weekend! Oh how I’ve missed her, how we have all missed her! And it makes my heart happy to know she’s missed us a little too!

~ for such a special family day today. We wanted to get to attend ONE MORE Texas Rangers baseball game in our beloved Globe Life Park before everything is moved over to the new state-of-the-art venue that will replace it. That ballpark holds such special memories. Josh and I went when it was known as The Ballpark at Arlington on one of our first dates. It was both of our first Rangers game. We’ve been with the kids, with youth groups, and celebrated birthdays there. We’ve toured the park behind the scenes and run the bases. We’ve sat in the premium seats and the nosebleeds. So today was the perfect day. EVERYONE was able to go, so we started the day with a hearty Dad’s Special Breakfast, and headed for Arlington. Oh, let me tell you…it was H-O-T! (We know that will be the one thing that we won’t miss when we visit the new stadium. It will be air conditioned.) But we ate our packed picnic and snacks and cheered for our team. We even bumped into one of Sawyer’s oncology nurses! I know the kids didn’t REALLY have that great a time: it was way too hot and a lot of sitting. But we were together. And it really meant something to Josh and I to be there all together one last time. And I’m so thankful the kids are SUCH great sports. They were a little whiny and squirrely during the game, but afterwards, they couldn’t quit thanking us for “the best day ever!” We will all laugh at the memory of the hottest, stickiest, stinkiest ballgame of all time!

Today September 1. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I know, people are like, “oh brother, here she goes again.” I get it. Kids with cancer is a real downer. Trust me. I agree. And I didn’t used to know or care ANYTHING about childhood cancer. Until July 23, 2014, when I was told, “your baby has cancer,” and I became another statistic. It wasn’t my life until all of a sudden, it was.

Childhood cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children in the United States. 700 children are diagnosed each day. And 1 out of 5 children diagnosed with cancer will not survive. It takes more lives than AIDS, Asthma, Cystic Fibrosis, and Diabetes combined. Yet somehow, out of the $5 billion federal budget of the National Cancer Institute (NCI), less than 4% is designated toward research specific to all the types of pediatric cancer combined. That’s why you’ll hear parents of kids with cancer use the phrase, “more than 4.”

So what can you do?

1) GO GOLD! Awareness is the first step. If you are reading this, childhood cancer has come across your radar. Whether it was because of Sawyer, another special child, or a friend of a friend of a friend…you have entered the world of pediatric cancer. What you do with it is up to you. Be creative: put up a gold wreath, paint your nails gold, carry a gold purse for the month of September. Wear gold shoes, or switch to gold shoelaces. Start wearing gold (or your Sawyer shirt, or whoever you are supporting) every Friday, and get the conversation started! Use social media! Use Sawyer’s picture, or find your own! I’m so blessed by several of you who have already changed your profile pictures!

2) If you want to support a national organization on behalf of Childhood Cancer, I recommend Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation and St. Baldrick’s Foundation. Both of these focus solely on pediatric cancers, and primarily research. If you want to support a non-profit for East Texas kids and families, I am personally a fan of Gold Network.

3) Register for Tyler Gold Run on September 21. Start a team. Run it, walk it, or just show up for lemonade and to cheer on the participants! Proceeds support East Texas families as well as Childhood Cancer research.

4) DO SOMETHING! Pray and ask God to show you what is your part. Maybe you’ll be the one to visit kids in the hospital. Or take a meal to a cancer family. GIVE BLOOD!! Kids with cancer need numerous life-saving blood transfusions throughout treatment.

Thank you for letting me share my heart with you. Five years ago, I didn’t know or care about childhood cancer. And in an instant, everything changed. Now, the Lord has allowed me the honor of being an advocate for Sawyer and so many others. My most important message is and will always be sharing the love and hope I have found in Jesus Christ. So to me, sharing that Love with hurting families while raising awareness for these precious children is the perfect combination. I challenge you: GO GOLD for SEPTEMBER!!

Thanks for giving thanks with me!

“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”” Revelation 21:3-5

Gearing up for Gold

I am thankful:

~ for a mostly successful first week back to school. We are working on our rhythm of drop off and pickup and homework and reading and folders and lunches and snacks and water bottles.

~for the moments when I miss my kids. Because it helps me in the other moments when I decidedly DO NOT MISS THEM, not to feel quite as much like a wretched troll mother.

~ for my bestest little helper while the brothers and sisters are at school. I don’t know how I’d get anything done without her! Many have asked if the house is so quiet with the kids gone…it MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT! When it gets quiet, that’s when I KNOW THERE’S TROUBLE! Hurricane Tatum keeps life interesting for sure.

~ for Bear. He is just a big fluffball of slobber and love. We love our muppet dog.

~ for God providing some long-awaited little windows of time with a sweet friend. Life-giving friendships are so refreshing!

~ for a mouthwatering FD’s burger with barbecue ranch sauce and sweet candied bacon. I couldn’t stop thinking about one, and finally gave in.

~ for a fun night hosting Youth Group Back-to-School Swim Bash. They are a spirited bunch, and they can put down some hot dogs and some cookies! We haven’t done much hosting over the last few years, and it was good to open up our home.

~ for those rare moments when I get it right with the kids. When I say “yes” instead of an automatic “no.” When I put down what I’m doing to look at a salamander. Or watch a giggly talent show. When I let them chop the tomatoes and mess up the entire kitchen when it would have been so much easier to do it myself. When I correct the tone of my voice BEFORE it comes out of my mouth. I usually get it wrong. My patience is short and my fuse is shorter. But then I look at Carson Grace’s empty bedroom. Unnaturally clean. I don’t have to tell her to pick it up or turn her music down, but I also don’t get to kiss her goodnight. For better or for worse, this season of Littles and chaos and bickering and smudgy windows and everybody-always-needs-mama WON’T LAST. I’ve got to stop bemoaning the hard, stop being frustrated with the season, stop wishing it away. Lord, let me slow down my heart and my hands so I don’t miss these moments that I won’t ever get back.

~ for grace amidst the madness. August/September is crazy season at our house. Between back to school, Go Gold Tyler, and Tyler Gold Run, the pace and the to-do list are RELENTLESS.And if I’m honest, which I am trying so hard to be, I feel like I live in a constant state of teetering between EXploding or IMploding. But God. He meets me right where I am. He gives me the grace to apologize to my kids when I lose my patience for the 82nd time. Or apologize to my husband when I am LESS THAN GRACIOUS to him. God braids the right people into my path at just the right moment to encourage me when I think I can’t do one more thing. He gives me the courage to do what I’m afraid of, and the courage to say no when it’s too much. He has lit the fire in my precious children who steadfastly love me so well and who are each so passionate about all things GOLD.

I am so excited for Go Gold Tyler coming up this Thursday. We are in full on Gold Mode at Casa Rucker. Phone calls, printing photos, video editing, social media posts, building and painting, even a spontaneous last minute news interview!

It’s busy, and completely overwhelming, but it’s good. We’ve gotten in contact with many more families this year, and the “Network” is WORKING! Our goal when we started Gold Network of East Texas was to offer hope and encouragement to Childhood Cancer families, and to connect them with each other. And that is happening! Families are meeting, reaching out to one another, and inviting new families to our events. In 2015, we had met around 9 families. This year we have pictures of 58 children! Staggering. Of course I hate it. I hate that all these kids have had cancer. I hate that we have to have one entire display of kids who have gone to be with Jesus instead of growing up. I hate that I met 12 new-to-us families JUST THIS YEAR, and we all have the worst thing in common. But as long as kids get cancer and as long as families need support, we are going to ask God to continue to give us the grace to come alongside them. If you’re local, join us Thursday night. Go GOLD Tyler is such a special evening, and these incredible children and their families will change your lives forever. And a reminder of the Gold Network online auction. We still need an opening bidder! Click here.

I wanted to share updates from Harold’s family and a message from Lucas’s mom.

“I want to thank everyone who has been apart of our journey whether personally involved or just reading along these entries. Thank you for praying along us and rooting for Lucas’ well being. We needed that support both then and now. We are truly grateful. Do us a favor and enjoy the small stuff. Give your loved ones an extra hug. Smile at a stranger. You don’t truly know what another person is living through so be kind. And if you see a Dino randomly, maybe it’s Lucas saying hi. We’ve had lots of sightings lately. Love you all 🧡🦕🦖” (Kelly, Lucas’ Mom)

I will never be able to fully express how grateful I am for you, the Sunday Gratitude community. So often I feel like I’m writing for no reason, no purpose, and wonder who in the world cares a single bit about what I write about each week. And then one of you will post a comment. Or stop me in the pickup line at school and say that you were encouraged. Y’all bless me and encourage me more than I can ever explain. Thank you for loving me, for loving Sawyer, for loving our family, and for choosing to follow along.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:1-6

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” Galatians 6:9

Back to School Daze

I am thankful:

~ to be DONE BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. It only took me 3,647,447,262 trips to 78,226 stores to get what everyone needed.

~ for our wonderful, kind teachers at Grace Community School, and how thrilled each of the children are with the classroom they were placed in. I love the aroma of eagerness and hope at the beginning of the school year. There is just so much promise: new friends, new skills, new adventures. There are few things that thrill my kids more than strapping on a brand spankin’ new pair of tennis shoes and a 86 pound bulging backpack to go see friends they have missed all summer and meet their teachers.

~ for a good first day of school. Everyone popped out of bed with a grin, gobbled up fresh baked banana muffins for breakfast, and doodled up in their favorite outfit to start off their new year. (I may have chosen Sawyer’s shirt…) We read our morning devotional, like always, and prayed over our day and our family and our teachers, like always. Josh headed off to take Cooper to his first day of high school while I walked into the elementary school with 6 of my babies. And walked out with just one. I’m infinitely grateful for a school filled with people who love Jesus and love our family, and who give a whole lot of grace to this mama who has a very hard time letting go. But God.

~ and as if that were not enough, Wednesday was the day to drive Carson Grace back to ETBU, this time for good. Tatum K and I made the drive with her, and when we arrived, the dorm was HOPPING! When we moved her into her dorm before her mini-mester 2 weeks ago, there were just a handful of students on campus. But this week was Tiger Camp, ETBU’s Freshman Welcome Week. All of Carson Grace’s suite-mates were there, and it was great to meet them and their parents. I can already tell they are a really special group. We did the few last updates to her room, went on a quick grocery run, and a hurried Subway lunch, as I had to rush back to Tyler in time to pick up Littles from school. This meant I didn’t get to participate in the parent part of Tiger Camp, attending the first Chapel service of the year with Carson Grace. But I know God’s timing is better than mine, and I trust that it was best for me to get on the road when I did. Oh, it was so hard to drive away. I could tell though, that she was excited and ready. Much more so than the first time we dropped her off, all alone in the dorm. This time her room and the campus were already familiar, and she was surrounded by classmates ready to dive in right beside her. Hard hard for Mama, not so much for my girl. And that’s how it’s supposed to be, praise God.

She has sent lots of pictures since Wednesday: scavenger hunts, team challenges, and community service projects. She’s making lots of friends and looks like she’s loving it. She and her camp group went to a local church this morning together, and classes start bright and early in the morning. Proud of her. But I sure do miss my girl. I’ve spent a lot of time in her room this week, thinking about her, praying for her. (I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying….)

~ for traditions. If you know me, you know I’m big on traditions. Every year on the first day of school, we go to our very favorite snow cone shack in Tyler, Shivers. Tatum K shared her piña colada snow cone with me…she loved her “pink-alada”!

~ for kind friends. Thoughtful friends. For old and new friends. For truth-telling-even-when-it-hurts friends. For tried-and-true, gone-through-the-ringer, here-for-the-mountains-and-the-valleys friends.

~ for steady Giddy up & Whoa work. I truly love to paint, and our little home business is such a blessing to our family. And I needed the diversion. Thursday was even harder than Wednesday with the kids gone. On the first day, taking Carson Grace to Marshall took the whole day. I was too busy to think about anything. (WHICH WAS MERCY). Thursday was a different story. It was a different kind of quiet. Not a TRUE quiet, because Tatum K is a wild little fireball and a constant chatterbox. I know this year will be a sweet time with just my Tater Tot at home. But for now, the empty house is echoey. Too much space. As much as my Tribe drives me crazy and I’m always exhausted with their questions and their squabbles and their needs…they are MY PEOPLE. And I miss them when they’re gone. So anyway, it was a blessing to have 5 sign orders that needed my attention during Tatum’s naptime. And I’m pleased to say I got them all done!

~ for a good evening and meal with Colton. The Littles were thrilled to swim with him and climb all over him. Always good to spend some time with my boy.

~ for a nice start to our Gold Network Toy Drive for the prize closet at Children’s Hospital. A group of sweet ladies all went out and purchased nearly 100 toys and donated them in honor of one of their friend’s birthdays! What a great idea! Last year we donated more than 1400 toys to Children’s. We are collecting toys through the month of September.

~ for excitement brewing over all our upcoming Gold Network events. August 29 is Go Gold Tyler, our annual Childhood Cancer Awareness night on the Tyler Downtown Square. I’ve been reaching out to our cancer families and have been thrilled by the overwhelmingly positive response! It is so special to have all these Hero families together. And then Tyler Gold Run is coming up September 21. For our big 5 year celebration (how can it be 5 years!?) we are thrilled to have added a 10k route and moved to a new, larger park. I am always amazed at how our friends and family and the community rise up in support of all these brave kids and their families. Please consider being a part of these special events, or donating toward the cause.

~and this is just INCREDIBLE! One of our Hero families has a cousin who is an amazing artist. She created an original watercolor painting and has DONATED IT FOR AUCTION TO GOLD NETWORK!!! This priceless painting takes my breath away. Please check out the auction and bid or donate if you feel led. The auction is open until August 29. Click here for details.

~for good baseball memories with my Love. Josh is one of the biggest Texas Rangers fans that has ever lived, and he has passed this passion on to his family. I learned early in our marriage that if I was going to have any quality time with my husband from April until October, I needed to learn to speak baseball. So I asked a few questions, and it was his greatest delight to teach me the ins and the outs of the game. So this week, it was very special to glue ourselves to the TV screen to watch a momentous milestone for our all time favorite player, Josh Hamilton, as he was inducted into the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. Josh is one of the greatest talents to have ever played the game, but we love him because of his story. He has battled drug and alcohol addiction for his entire career, and although he found salvation in Jesus Christ, he has continued to fall back into those self-destructive patterns. But seeing him back on the field, hugging his old teammates, and hearing his bold and honest speech that gave all glory to the God who continued/continues to love him in the midst of his failures….we cried our eyes out. It. Was. Awesome. He closed his 14 minute speech with these words of encouragement for when we get knocked down, “Don’t you dare stay down. The God of the universe sent His Son to die so that we have the right to GET BACK UP IN JESUS!”

Our friend Harold needs your prayers. He was allowed to go home from the hospital Wednesday, only to have hydrocephalus symptoms return Thursday, causing his parents to rush Harold back to Dallas for his FIFTH surgery. Please pray for healing and wisdom for the team of doctors treating him. And for grace and strength for his precious family. Thank you for continuing to lift up the parents and family of sweet Lucas, who went to heaven last week. Someone I love is recovering from a dreadful injury, and 3 family members are battling cancer. So many people hurting. Oh how I hate cancer. Jesus come….

Friends, life is hard. It is hard and good and beautiful and horrible and excruciating and glorious. Live well. Love large. Give freely. Forgive. See people. Pray for one another. Share Jesus.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” John 13:34-35

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV

Sanctification

I am thankful:

~ for creative get-out-of-bed excuses. “Ma-a-a-ma, I need to ask you something? Do chickens fly?”

~for Giddyup & Whoa orders that come right on time. Every single order is a blessing of provision.

~for decadent French toast with orange zest and a crispy crust of cinnamon sugar. I had a new recipe, and it was a resounding hit with the Tribe.

~for the tender hearts of my children. We did not tell them about the senseless tragedies of last weekend. But they are incredibly observant and quickly noticed all the flags lowered to half-staff. When I briefly told them what had happened, they were aghast and IMMEDIATELY asked if we could pray aloud together in the car. First they prayed for the grieving families of the victims, and then began to pray that God would touch the hearts of the shooters, “that they would come to know You Lord, and that they would be sorry for what they have done.”

~for such a special surprise: my sweet friend Meredith blessed Sawyer with one of her impeccably hand-sewn minky puppies! Check out the gold childhood cancer ribbon! If you haven’t checked out My Minky Co, you need to! Thank you Meredith!

~for back-to-school shopping. It’s hard for me to say I’m thankful for this. Not gonna lie. School supplies, shoes, and clothes for six in school is no joke. Just the magnitude this year’s number is intimidating, but sometimes brave is what you are when you don’t have a choice. We tackled the stores as a wild and boisterous unit. My kids opened every shoebox in every store. They showed me every pencil that was ever made. They were pretty good about not “asking” (they had been severely warned) but instead they just exclaimed over and over, “look at this one Mama! Isn’t this one cute? Isn’t this one sweet? This one is awesome! I love this!” I had warned them, don’t ask for everything you see. However, I had forgotten to specify, “don’t show me and describe every detail of everything you see.” School starts Wednesday…I’d estimate that I am 68% done with the supply shopping. And that I am 143% READY to be done. It’s not that I want my kiddos out of the house, it’s just the progression of the season. They are all ready to be done at home and back to their friends. Instinctively they crave the structure and margin of the school setting, even if the appreciation won’t stay with them long.

~for grace for new seasons. I don’t think I can express to you how different my life is going to be with Carson Grace gone to college. She’s my babysitter. My ONLY babysitter. And I have become accustomed to running my errands by myself. I just don’t take my people into stores. I just don’t. A couple of my children have literally been in a store, ANY store, like three times in their lives. It’s just one of those things, that if I didn’t have to go with an entourage, I didn’t. Well now, that luxury is over for the most part. Six little people at the grocery store. Six little people shopping for shoes. Six little people in the return line at Walmart. It’s just a different season. But you know what… WE SURVIVED! I’m not trying to say it was relaxing and poetic and my favorite way to spend my time. But nobody backflipped off the shelves, and I didn’t lose any of them. So I’m going to call it a win. I think I’m going to be getting a lot of use out of my “big girl panties” this year.

~thankful to have my girl back, even if it’s only briefly. Carson Grace finished up her mini-mester class at ETBU, and I drove with the Tribe to pick her up on Friday. Everyone was thrilled to see her, and excited to get to check out her new room at the dorm. She goes back for real on Wednesday. I’m thankful for the Lord’s kindness to allow us to have a more gradual “letting go.”

She even sent me a “First Day of School” picture!

~for a fun night at Meet the Cougars. At this yearly fall school event, each high school athletic team is highlighted to get people hyped for the school year. Very excited to see Cooper’s #19 jersey come out of the football tunnel. He’s so excited about his freshman year. Can’t wait to watch him play!

~for Sawyer’s fun time at his Kindergarten picnic. He got to see old friends and meet some new ones, and went on a scavenger hunt on the school playground. So proud of my brave boy and how excited he is for kindergarten. Here come the tears again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him every day. He just makes life so bright. I hope I never outgrow the utter awe I feel when I look at him, knowing all he has overcome.

~for God’s Word spoken straight to the heart. Sometimes it just pierces in such a powerful way. The message this morning was on sanctification. Being redeemed, made holy, and set apart. Brother Alvin, our dear friend and visiting missionary from Honduras, referenced offering someone a cup of water in a filthy glass. I long to be set apart for God. Sanctified by His blood so that He can use me for His purposes. But how often I come as a dirty vessel. With unforgiveness. With my own agenda. With short-sighted expectations of my Father’s ability. I long to set an example for my children of being set apart. Called higher. Called to be in the world but not of it. To love with the sacrificial supernatural love of Christ. How much more useful we are when we do it God‘s way. And what a stumbling block we are when we insist on our own way. The message hit me right between the eyes today. Lord, cleanse me and sanctify me as a vessel of honor.

Friends, sweet Lucas went to be with Jesus yesterday. Now he is whole and healed and forever free from cancer. And now his family is broken-hearted to have to live without him. His suffering is over, and theirs has intensified. Please, please pray. Our lives will go on…theirs will never EVER be the same again. And while they do have the blessed assurance that they will see their boy again one day, today…today there is unspeakable pain.

Love one another well. Hold tight to your people and don’t skip the extra story and the 14th snuggle. Forgive when you don’t think you should have to, and give more than you think is necessary. Life is a vapor. You won’t regret it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 20:7

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.” John 17:15-19

Letting Go

I am thankful:

~ for the beginning of football season. Is it really the beginning of football season already? Well, Cooper started two-a-days this week, so that meant we were up before the sun. And even though I was in a coma as I drove him, I still appreciated taking in the glorious sunrise. And I love seeing Cooper with a goal in mind. That kid loves him some football!

~for a great time at the Football Moms’ Clinic. It’s a special time for moms to learn a little more about the game and focus on our boys. To sit at their football locker and pray over the upcoming season. To share a meal with other football moms and our sons. It’s always such a sentimental night for me. I attended my first Moms’ Clinic 6 years ago when Colton was a freshman, with Sawyer in my belly. I missed the next year because Sawyer and I were in the hospital, in the critical early stages of his chemotherapy treatment, and the coaches and moms were so kind to us with notes of encouragement. The next 2 years attending with Colton were super special, and now I’ve had a couple years off with no high school football player. So to sit beside my Cooper, who gets taller and more handsome daily, as he starts his freshman year of football, I couldn’t be more proud and thankful.

~ for the opportunity to give blood in honor of an amazing warrior boy. Luke’s birthday was Wednesday, but this year he celebrated it in heaven with Jesus. His family chose to celebrate his life and his memory by encouraging people to donate the gift of life. You may have heard that there is a nationwide blood shortage. Kids with cancer require frequent blood transfusions throughout treatment. Sawyer had dozens. So I was thankful for the opportunity to participate and tell the techs about Luke and about Sawyer. If you can, GO DONATE BLOOD!

~ for a fun, albeit way too short, visit from Uncle Mike and Cousin Kenedy. We got some great snuggles and lots and lots of giggles. My favorite was hearing Kenedy ask for “Clipper” (Cooper).

~ for those rare moments when God allows us to see purpose past our pain. So often we cling to what we want, not knowing He has something far greater. Sometimes we have to let go of what WE THINK we need so that we can receive His BEST!

~for the most amazing honor! Our friends from Minnesota, the Franz’s, shared amazing news. Their 10 year old son, Andrew, participated in the Pinky Swear Foundation Triathlon for childhood cancer, IN SAWYER’S HONOR! Andrew completed a 100 yard swim, 3 mile bike course, and a half mile run. We hope he heard us cheering for him all the way from Texas!

~ for a happy happy birthday for our sweet Zoe Girl. I still can’t wrap my mind around how much our little Brown-eyed girl has grown up. I remember meeting her: 18 months old, bitsy tiny, big watering wide eyes, and absolutely SILENT. She refused to be put down, and Carson Grace carried her so much she wore a sore on her hip. Today Zoe is bubbling with life, dancing and singing everywhere she goes. She is a silly goose and loves to use her imagination. She loved her waffles with sprinkles and whipped cream for breakfast and chose red velvet cupcakes for her cake. Happy birthday ZoZo!

~ for a (hopefully) win-win-win-win situation. We had friends who needed to find homes for some kittens. We had another friend who had been wanting a guinea pig. Our kids really wanted a kitten. Our Dad was anti-kitten, but EXTREMELY in favor of parting with our guinea pig. So much so, that he was willing to acquiesce to a kitten if it meant re-homing the pig. So bottom line, we traded a pig for a kitten. Meet Miss Stella. Bear is PASSIONATELY EXCITED about his new “sister.”

Last night, we were in battle mode. Last minute list checking and Walmart runs. Pack? Keep? Memory box? Toss? We watched Carson Grace’s eternal tornado of a bedroom slowly transform into a stack of boxes and bags and suitcases. Saying goodnight was different. I knew it wasn’t going to be her last night to sleep in her room. But it’s not ever going to be the same. Most likely, whenever she comes back, it will be for a visit. Not to stay. She’ll always have a home to come back to here, but she really may move on and move out for good instead of ever coming back here to stay. Ever my daughter, she was highly sentimental, and we shared lots of tears and sweet words with one another before we settled to bed. I will always treasure those moments with my girl. Today was our hard day. We knew it was coming, and we have worked hard to get ready for this point. Josh and I drove Carson Grace to Marshall and got her all set up in her new dorm room. We rearranged the furniture and mounted her built-to-order Giddyup & Whoa sign over her bed.

We hung her clothes and arranged her mountains of shoes. We set up her coffee bar and had a coffee-making lesson. It turned out absolutely darling, and she loves her personal little oasis.

If this week seems early to start college, it is. Carson Grace starts her 1 week mini-mester class in the morning, and then she’ll be home one more weekend before school starts for real. We are so happy for her, and so proud. We feel great about the environment she’s going to be in, and we know that she never belonged to us, but to God. But I gotta tell you. In spite of all those healthy, grounded, mature FACTS THAT WE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY BELIEVE…all that goes out the window when you drive away from the building where you just left your baby girl by herself. Did we teach her enough? Is she going to make good friends? Is she going to work hard? Is she going to be lonely? We did the best we could the last 18 years, and we made a ton of mistakes along the way. But it’s time to let go and release her with our blessing. And now it’s her turn. To chose. To stand. And I know God’s got her, like He always has, and that she’ll be ok through the good choices and the bad, the sweet times and the heartbreaks. I really do know she’s gonna be ok. I do. But tonight….tonight my house is a little too quiet without the sweet whisper of a ukulele and my favorite voice coming from the door at the end of my kitchen. And my heart feels like a big chunk is gone. Tonight I’m giving myself permission to be sad and miss my girl.

Please continue your faithful prayers for our dear friends Harold and Lucas and their families. God is, and always will be, bigger than cancer. Bigger that anything we fear. Bigger than than anything we face.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24, 26

Home Sweet Home

I am thankful:

~to be HOME! We had such a wonderful trip to the North, and made so many incredible memories, but there is truly NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

~to be out of the car!!!!!! Mercy, 40+ hours is a loooooong time! It was a long drive to Kansas City and then on to Winona, MN over two days. Then we spent a minimum of an hour each day in the car visiting various family members or attractions. 3 hours further North to the cabin in Wisconsin. And then, after such a tiring, jam-packed week of activities, the drive home was TORTURE. It seemed like we would never get to Texas, and once we did, the miles just went on forever. So thankful to be back to our home, our bed, our pets, and our coffee pot!

~for both old and new memories. I truly can’t put into words how meaningful it was for me to revisit places from my early life, and especially to do so with the people I love the most. To show my kids where I went to elementary school and high school. They have seen the pictures of their mama with big 80’s hair as a cheerleader, so it actually meant something to them. It meant something to Josh to see the beautiful surroundings of Decorah, Iowa where I went to college, the dorm where I met my friend Katie. Especially with our own daughter leaving for college soon. (Their running joke all week was that I had rebelled from an Amish heritage and gone to Corn College.) I showed them the treacherous winding gravel road that I rode my bicycle down to Grandma Grace’s house, road with them in the fields where I first learned to drive my Grandpa’s antique tractor, and introduced them to the delicacy of fresh and deep fried CHEESE CURDS! Many of these places also hold memories that are not at all sweet and warm. But to walk the old paths, now as an adult, and to see through the eyes of a new creation in Christ, AND to do it with my family…it was emotional and healing and beautiful. Josh and I even recreated a picture we had taken the first time I brought him to Minnesota to meet my family, 21 years ago. My how we have changed – I scarcely recognize those kids. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

~ for priceless connections with the kids with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great grandparents.

~ for Chick-Fil-A!!! Oh how we missed you! We hit Sulphur Springs on the way home just in time for dinner, and the car erupted in cheers when we pulled up! Tatum K was SO DONE with the car at that point, but she perked up for chicken and french fries!

~ for the best neighbors on the planet. Our sweet friends across the street lovingly tended to our menagerie all week: 2 dogs, cat, guinea pig, and tank of lake fish. Another friend mowed our yard just because. Another maintained our pool so that it was clear and sparkling when we returned. This weekend, Josh was working on a faulty sprinkler in the yard and a neighbor came over with a shovel and spare parts and jumped right in to help! What a blessing to live side by side with such caring folks.

~ for new Dekalb Heublein Seeds hats for all! The kids hardly ever take them off. I took a picture to show my dad, and Sawyer insisted that I take one of him “wif this fing in my mouf, like a REAL FARMER.”

~ for unexpected, unbelievable generosity.

~ for the eager, loving hearts of my kids. “Mom! Come look! There is a beautiful Heavenly Glory outside! Come take a picture!” They are faithful and dedicated prayer warriors for any need, from a tummy ache to cancer. They love to help and cook and they give tremendous foot rubs. And they worship Jesus at the top of their lungs! Our trip served as a powerful reminder of how very special and unique and loving they are.

~ for reaching Sawyer’s 5 year “Cancerversary.” If you follow my Facebook or Instagram, you already read my post on July 23. If not, here you go:

“Cancerversary. So much has become hinged on this day. BC – Before Cancer. AD – After Diagnosis. 5 years ago life as we knew it ended. “Your baby has cancer.” The words fell into the hushed ER room, and time stopped. From that moment on, every single day was lived knowing it could quite literally be the last. I stopped making plans. I lived in a strained tension between the faith I clung to and the grim reality that slapped me in the face every time I walked the halls of the Oncology floor. Fast forward through 3 years of blood transfusions and spinal taps, bone marrow biopsies and adult chemotherapy, of administering shots in our bathroom and my baby taking his first steps in a blow up pool at the hospital. Port placement. Port removal. A near fatal drug overdose/reaction. 2 Christmases in the hospital. Dozens of ER visits and hundreds of trips from Tyler to Dallas. But also relationships built, lives changed, prayers answered. A front row seat to see the Body of Christ rising up and meeting the needs of the broken. We’ve clung to each other and clung to Him for every breath. And God has shown off. His Glory has surrounded us, overwhelmed us, overshadowed us. And today Sawyer is beautiful and bright and strong and healthy. If you didn’t know, you’d never dream he had fought this battle his whole little life. He is proud of his scar on his chest, announcing, “I don’t need a port anymore. Jesus healed-ed me, and NO MORE CANCER!” The doctors said he would experience developmental delays. But God. The doctors gave him 24 hours to live. But God. BUT GOD!!!!”

The end of summer countdown has begun. 2.5 weeks until Littles go back to school. Which means 2.5 weeks until Sawyer will go to school EVERY DAY (as opposed to MWF last year). He’s so excited, so ready. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to let him go. I’m so proud of him, and so thankful to God for allowing him to grow up to be so healthy and bright. He is truly a warrior, an overcomer. Lord, help me to trust You with his life today the way I did when he was a frail, sick baby. Help me to be as brave as Sawyer.

Brave indeed. Next Sunday we will load up and move Carson Grace to Marshall to start her journey at East Texas Baptist University. She is going early to take a week-long mini-mester as a part of her Music Major requirements. My heart isn’t ready to let her go either. I have cried about every 7 minutes all week. I know it’s time, I know she’s ready, and I’m so proud. But she’s my baby girl. Lord, help me to remember that she is Yours, not mine.

Please continue your prayers for sweet Lucas and his family.

And I’m sad to share ANOTHER new diagnosis in East Texas, 3 year old Harold, with an aggressive malignant brain tumor. Little Harold has already endured 2 brain surgeries this month, with a 3rd expected this week. Please lift these precious families to the Lord, for healing and for comfort in the midst of their worst nightmare.

Hug tightly the ones you love. Life can change in an instant. You are faithful Lord, and You are good.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:1-8