I Thank God

I am thankful:

~ for a beautiful fall. Texas isn’t known for colorful autumn foliage, but I think it’s splendid around here myself! These views just don’t get old.

~ for rain. I really love the rain, especially listening to it on the metal casita roof.

~ for a fun night for the girls at their first Homecoming Barn Dance. Aren’t they lovely?

~ for a productive Gold Network ETX Board meeting. The men and women on our Board are truly a gift to me, each one bringing unique perspective and talent to the table. So thankful for friends who share the vision!

~ for my hardworking kids. I’m so proud of how much they have learned since we’ve bought the farm. They have learned to use most tools, many of them completely independently. This week they helped Dad replace a pump on the pond fountain, build a cover for the pump, and hang more finish trim on the barn. They never cease to amaze me.

~ for days when homework looks like this.

~ for sweet Birdie recovering from her spay surgery. No more puppies for this mama. Also, sometimes my kids are strange.

~ for a tasty steak dinner and a date with my sweetheart. Love that we are still dating after 25 years.

My pastor said something in his sermon this morning that I immediately wrote down. I’m sure I’ve heard it before, but today it just really resonated in my heart.

“That’s how He found me, but that’s not how He left me.”

I think of the condition I was in when I found the Lord. WHAT A MESS! Lost, lonely, disillusioned, aimless. Equal parts ashamed and afraid. I was no good to nobody.

But God.

My girls have a favorite song that they learned at Pine Cove camp over the summer. It’s one of those songs that has a pounding beat that gets right into your pulse, and the lyrics make you want to SHOUT.

“He picked me up, He turned me around
He placed my feet on solid ground
I thank the Master, I thank the Savior
Because He healed my heart
He changed my name
Forever free, I’m not the same
I Thank the Master, I Thank the Savior
I thank God”

(Check out the full song here.)

Tonight I’m just filled with gratitude to my loving, redemptive Father who met me in my mess.

“That’s how He found me, but that’s not how He left me.“

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.” (Psalms 40:1-3)

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 11:19)

Clinic

Somehow it has already been 6 months, and time for Sawyer’s Clinic visit.

I am thankful.

Sawyer leapt out of bed, eager as always. He loves Clinic day. Loves spending the day with Aunt Gina. Loves the focused one-on-one time. Loves that he gets to see his people and gets to choose a toy from the prize closet. I think his FAVORITE part, certainly what seems to always be at the forefront of his mind throughout the day, is that he has the coveted privilege of choosing ALL the day’s food choices. It is officially Sawyer the Warrior Day, and he 100% knows it.

It always amazes me that after all he has been through, he still loves going to the hospital.

I am thankful.

As always, Gina Sue does the driving. We catch up on each others lives, punctuated by Sawyer asking how many minutes until we get to Bucee’s. The company & conversation was great. The drive, uneventful. Gina always takes very good care of both of us.

I am thankful.

The best and most important news, glory to the Lord, our beautiful boy remains cancer-free! He cheerfully drew his own labs while nonchalantly chatting with beloved Miss Sharon. We had a great visit with Dr. Winick, and several of our favorites. And when we finally made it to the actual checkup, everything on the lab report and exam was perfect.

What a miracle. A miracle I absolutely do not ever take for granted.

I am thankful.

Our precious social worker facilitated an introduction with a mama whose 6 month old was just diagnosed (like less than a week ago) with the same infantile leukemia that Sawyer was diagnosed with 9 years ago. The social worker told me quietly, “I think this mama could really use some hope today.”

It was the first time in a VERY long time that I’d been in a room on D6. The vinyl recliner beside the stark hospital crib looked the same. There was a heavy stillness in the room that I think I had somehow forgotten. I listened to the frightened young mother as she held her beautiful baby girl in her arms. I did my best to encourage her, shared Sawyer’s story, and we prayed together. She smiled through her tears at the picture of baby SaSa in his pool, and then my vibrant, healthy boy with Lasagna the Chicken.

Looking back, I realize that to this day, I’ve never met another mom of an infant leukemia survivor older than Sawyer. There aren’t many of us. But God.

I am thankful.

Before we left the Oncology floor, I showed Sawyer the framed plaques hanging in the hallway, the heartfelt, raw observations written by my friend Shelby, mom of Sawyer’s little friend, Sophie. Shelby’s Facebook post thanking Sophie’s nurses went viral, and has been shared around the world. After Sophie the Brave went to be with Jesus, her family donated the plaques to the hospital that had been their home during her care. I’ve shown them to Sawyer before, and he remembers Sophie fondly, although they only met in person one time. But this time, Sawyer stood there quietly and read every word for himself.

Sawyer the Warrior and Sophie the Brave, 2017

I am thankful.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2)

“My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds, of your saving acts all day long— though I know not how to relate them all. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone. Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens, you who have done great things. Who is like you, God? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.” (Psalms 71:15-16, 19-21)

Purpose

I am thankful.

~ for a special birthday for my favorite 19 year old! How is my little Coopy 19??? So proud of the young man he has become, and excited to see what doors God will open for his future. We celebrated with his tasty menu of choice: an elaborate build-your-own burrito bar and banana pudding.

~ for a Jucy’s hamburger salad piled high with a seasoned patty, chopped bacon, pickles, and zesty jalapeño ranch.

~ for the riotous chorus of clucking/honking/quacking/crowing in the garden. I’m so used to it I don’t always even notice. Until I’m on the phone in the garden and the person on the other end of the line asks me, “Um…are you at the ZOO???”

~ for happy pumpkins erupting everywhere.

~ for mail-order heirloom roses. They don’t look like much today, but I dream of them stretching up on our little pergola, draping their fragrant blooms up and over.

~ for the most generous gift of repurposed flagstone, even with delivery!

~ for another HEAT football victory. Gavin has had such a fun season with his teammates, and the coaches have truly poured into these young men. They are getting so much more than football.

~ for fresh flowers on my table, this time a rustic mix of bright grocery store blooms and cuttings from around the farm in a vintage copper pan.

~ for a fun overnight – this time was Zoe’s turn. The kids always love these one-on-one getaways. Uncle Justin and Aunt Gina (and Grandmommy) make each one feel so very loved and special.

~ for an unexpected afternoon for Samantha. She went into the orthodontist for a consultation…and she came out with braces! Just like that! This is our first rodeo (probably with several more to come) so HERE WE GO!

~ for buttery, tart and sweet, melt-in-your-mouth apple crisp, warm from the oven, topped with vanilla ice cream and hot, decadent salted caramel sauce. Is your mouth watering like mine? No pictures, because who could possibly wait and take a photo???

~ for a treasured evening with our Gold Network families at our quarterly CONNECT support group. These gatherings are my favorite: good food and the best, desperately needed, life-giving connections. Over plates piled high with the best fajitas from Abuelos, we talked about our babies. We listened quietly. And we all came away with at least a little more reassurance that we are not walking this walk alone. BUT GOD.

After a night with these precious, hurting families, and then a Sunday morning sermon about hope amidst suffering, there was nothing like spending the afternoon watching “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe” with the children. My raw heart lay throbbing on the floor as glorious King Aslan willingly sacrificed his life for Edmund’s treachery.

Thank You Jesus. Thank You for paying the debt You did not owe and that I could never pay. Thank You for the reminder that our suffering always has a purpose, to draw us and others closer to Your Father heart. Thank You for defeating death once and for all, and for the glorious Promise that there is so much LIGHT and LIFE beyond this dark and broken world.

Do you know Jesus? Don’t wait.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.” (2 Timothy 1:9-10)

“For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” (2 Corinthians 4:6-7)

It All Matters

I am thankful.

For a beautifully exhausting week.

There’s nothing like Gold Run week. It’s emails and errands, yard signs and donation pickups, tv interviews and newspaper interviews and over-the-phone interviews. It’s checklists and double-checking lists and oh-my-goodness-I-nearly-forgot.

And life is also relentlessly happening. School and cross country and football, goats and chickens and too many puppies, laundry and dishes and lots of cereal and frozen pizzas for dinner.

And then it’s here.

Gold Run day was glorious. The weather was perfection. We had a bounty of volunteers. The park filled with HEROES and their Tribes of supporters, runners and walkers and watchers.

It means the world to these families (myself included) to experience the love and encouragement of people who show up to stand beside them and publicly support. One HERO mama said it best, “It was fun and I was so proud of my bunch. A 5K seems like such a small thing but it was a ‘suck it, cancer!’ event for us.”

Watching HEROES cross the finish line. Watching triumphant families celebrating the lives of their child. Watching weary, battle-scarred moms and dads and grandparents push through the fog to prove that their child’s battle means something. Watching tearful parents walking to honor the memory of the child whose only physical presence there was on our Wall and in their hearts. ETX Gold Run is so special. My heart is full.

And just like that, it’s done.

September is almost over. Pumpkin Spice is back, temps are dropping (outside of Texas anyway), and everyone is ready for fall.

Please don’t let all the GOLD fade away for a whole year. Keep having conversations. Donate. Reach out to a family. Volunteer. These kids deserve a voice and a chance at a normal life. It really does matter.

BUT IT ALL MATTERS.

Whatever is your personal passion. Or the real life, everyday work/school/kids/dishes/carpool that doesn’t feel like passion at all.

Run your race.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)

The Lord gently (sometimes abruptly) reminds me that I must both give thanks for and always be in prayer over all of it. ALL of it. My marriage, my kids, my responsibilities, and all that Gold Network is.

It’s all His.

Lord, it’s all Yours. Your ministry. Let me seek You everywhere and find You there. Let me honor You and reflect You in whatever it is I’m doing.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.” (Psalms 107:21-22)

‘Tis the Season

‘tis the season.

September 1 has rolled around again. And with it, our month of mission. Childhood cancer is not a hobby for us, it is something that has changed our family forever, and has become a cause we have dedicated our lives to year-round. But as most of you know, September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, and this month is when we concentrate our efforts to spreading gold. God has recycled our pain into purpose.

Tuesday night we held our Annual Go GOLD ETX on the Square. Faithful friends and new-found friends showed up to help us deck the Square out in GOLD beneath a giant tent (with portable coolers to combat the blistering Texas heat). We showcased new games for the kids, a great new assortment of merchandise, and rolled out a new-and-improved GOLD carpet. The Square was crowded, full of East Texas HEROES and their families and supporters and friends, as well as people off the street who wandered in to see what had brought the live jazz, ice cream truck, and tantalizing burger truck Downtown. At the center of it all stood our painfully striking Wall of HEROES. Over 100 beautiful children who have battled cancer. People approached the wall and paused. Stared.

Little HEROES ran to the wall to find their faces.

Sawyer proudly showed off his updated photo, featuring Lasagna the Chicken.

We heard the inspiring testimony of an incredible young man, in his own words. The courage and tenacity we encounter defies description.

One by one, our HEROES took their walk on the GOLD carpet. Some raced. Some paused and soaked up their moment. All made an impact.

But not all families in attendance got to bring their HEROES to the carpet. We honored the memory of the beautiful boys and girls stolen by cancer before they had the chance to grow up by reading their names and releasing gold balloons. It’s truly heartbreaking, but it means so much to all our families to stand together, shouldering up under a burden far too heavy to bear alone.

That’s why we do what we do.

In 2015, we found 9 families in East TX that had faced childhood cancer. 7 years later, we have connected with more than 100. Which is simultaneously wonderful and devastating. BUT GOD.

Every year Sawyer (aka Sawyer the Warrior) becomes more aware of the realities of cancer and what he has been through.

He recognizes his “friends,” the ones he has met in person and the faces he has been introduced to on the Wall of HEROES. Now when he sees a new face in a photo, he asks their name and then, “is she still with us?” It pierces my heart that he has grown so accustomed to loss at such a young age, yet I’m so humbled and blessed at the deep love and compassion that just pour out of his beautiful heart. We talked to him this year about how God has used him, one sick little boy, to knit so many lives together by birthing Gold Network of East Texas, and about how many children have been blessed because of his trial. I’m so thankful he still loves to share the story of how, “Jesus healed-ed me.”

Will you GO GOLD with us this year? Follow Gold Network of East Texas on social media to learn more about childhood cancer and how YOU can make a difference. Wear Gold, give, PRAY, register for ETX Gold Run… it really does matter.

www.easttexasgoldrun.com

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”(Galatians 6:2)

““Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God.”

(Matthew 5:3-8)

Right on Time

I am thankful.

All I can say is that God showed up.

He always does, but like I talked about last week, sometimes we forget. But God.

He is always right on time.

It’s been weeks and weeks and weeks of drought and oppressive, blistering temperatures across Texas. The ground is cracked, aching for moisture. Once green grass is now crispy, scorched.

Isn’t it interesting how we sometimes begin to look like our environment.

I have felt lost, dry, thirsty.

Searching for answers, searching for peace. Desperately searching.

I only need to be desperate for HIM.

In Him are all the answers. In Him is my rest. In Him is the peace I thirst for.

He is always right on time.

This afternoon the sky began to darken. A while later, a low murmur of thunder echoed from afar. I was working in the barn, kids playing in the background. We all began to pray and ask Jesus to bring the rain. I began to sing and a couple of them chimed in, “Let it rain, let it pour from heaven. Let it rain, to revive my soul…”

Nothing.

The temperature dropped slightly a couple hours later, and the wind began to pick up.

Finally…I could hear drops, one at a time, begin to scatter loudly on the metal barn roof. One ran out from the casita screaming, “IT’S RAINING!!!!!” In an instant, it was a full on rainstorm, pouring, thundering, becoming deafening on our metal roof. Soon we were all outside. We, like undoubtably countless others across East Texas, couldn’t stop ourselves from getting IN IT. Soaking up the goodness of God and praising Him.

He’s always right on time.

Josh had chores to do, animals to put up for the night. “Let me find you an umbrella,” I called out. “I don’t need one,” he said with a smile in his eyes, “I want to enjoy it.”

Once chores were done, kids dried off and settled, he and I stepped outside to literally soak up the last moments of the waning shower. It was glorious. The air smelled clean, the rain was cold. We stood there, letting ourselves be washed. Thankful.

We both knew it was more than the weather we were experiencing.

He is always right on time.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

“Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms. He gives showers of rain to all people, and plants off the field to everyone.” (Zechariah 10:1)

“Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”” (Hosea 6:3)

I Didn’t Want to go to Church Today.

I didn’t want to go to church today.

Just being honest. And I bet you’ve all been there.

This week has been hard. We are going through a hard season. Not “my-baby-has-cancer” hard, but still hard. And sometimes when you’ve been through an unfathomably hard season like that, you struggle with guilt in the “regular-sized” hard seasons. Like somehow surviving a truly devastating trial should have made you immune to struggle for the rest of your life.

I should have rock solid faith.

I should be unshakeable.

I write about gratitude every single week. It should come naturally.

All those things may well be true. But life happens. Strength wanes. Perspective skews. Like the constant pounding of waves against a shoreline, bravery gets eroded little by little by the relentless pounding of the daily grind.

The Texas heat this summer is oppressive. The earth is scorched and panting for rain. Doesn’t it feel like it will be like this forever? Don’t you sometimes wonder if it will ever rain again? Sometimes our hearts can feel like that dry, parched desert. It’s so easy to forget the well-watered seasons of plenty. And you best believe the day will come when we will once again find ourselves complaining of the cold, or how inconvenient the rain can be.

So anyway, recent circumstances left me feeling dried up, weary, and defeated. And this morning, staying in bed with the covers over my head sounded a lot more appealing than pulling myself together and putting on a forced brave face at church.

But God.

My perfect Father, as any good dad would, reminded me that hiding was not the answer, that fellowship in His House with His people was exactly what I needed.

And wouldn’t you know it? Why was I surprised that the sermon met me right where I was? The story of Peter, who had walked in person side by side with Jesus. Who had heard the Words of Life spoken directly from the lips of the Savior, and who experienced miracle after miracle from the One he called Friend. This man had every reason to ALWAYS be FULL OF FAITH. He KNEW Jesus.

He’d fed the 5000 with Jesus. He’d seen the dead raised and the sea stilled. And now he was walking upon the water, toward Jesus, looking straight into His eyes!

Yet he doubted.

He got scared.

For a moment, he forgot all he had seen, all he had learned. He started focusing on what he (Peter) could do instead of what Jesus could do.

Isn’t that where we go wrong?

He is able. He is faithful. He is good. He is WORKING. He is reaching for you.

Wherever you find yourself today, in a season of rest, of joy, of peace, or one of deep darkness, grief, and loneliness. A season of frustration with minor inconveniences or one of truly life altering catastrophe. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to not be brave sometimes.

Just don’t quit.

God often does His best work in the dark. He is drawing something out of you, building something into you, something for your good and for His glory. Refreshing is coming.

My circumstances haven’t changed. But at least my eyes are back where they’re supposed to be.

On Him.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalms 94:18-19)

““Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”” (Matthew 14:29-31)

“O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.” (Psalms 63:1)

9 Years of Gratitude

(**Full disclosure, the whole time I was writing this, I was thinking it had been 10 years. Which obviously feels like a big milestone. Bigger than 9. But this is how I was feeling, so here goes…probably just recycle this post next year when it’s actually been 10.)

9 years.

August 10, 2014 was the day I heard the Lord tell me I needed to start thanking Him.

In the midst of the darkest season of our lives, just weeks into our 8 month old baby’s cancer treatment, He told me to thank Him. I was living in the hospital 2 hours away from my husband and my family. Sawyer was receiving round the clock chemotherapy treatment for a cancer he had a slim chance of surviving. Our comfortable, predictable life as we knew it was over, replaced with a life of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and scary words like spinal tap, bone marrow, and blood transfusion.

I could feel myself sinking.

Sinking into despair.

Sinking into self pity.

Sinking into a dark hole of fear and loneliness.

But my loving Father loved me too much to let me slip away.

As I lay on the clammy blue vinyl cot beside Sawyer’s hospital crib, in the middle of another sleepless night spent watching the clock and the IV pump managing the toxic drugs that were simultaneously saving and attacking my baby’s frail body, I heard God tell me to thank Him for this trial.

Pictures from home hung on Sawyer’s hospital wall

And that’s how Sunday Gratitude was born.

Some weeks giving thanks is as easy as breathing. The colors of the sunset were vibrantly on fire. The most delicious meal looked just as beautiful as it tasted. The project went well, the kids were sweet, and the Lord spoke so clearly I couldn’t miss Him.

But this is real life.

Sometimes it goes sideways.

Sometimes circumstances are hard and dark and ugly.

Sometimes circumstances are fine, but it’s my own heart that’s hard and dark and ugly.

Like every family, we have ups and downs, successes and failures, highlights and bloopers. We have good weeks, and some really bad ones.

I can’t tell you how many Sunday nights I have spent staring at a blank screen, wondering how I was going to find something positive to say.

But God.

He’s just so good, y’all. Because He’s always there. Even if all I can thank Him for is my cup of coffee and the color of the sky, He gives me the ability to do that.

Because no matter what it all looks like, no matter what storms come, no matter how bleak (or how WONDERFUL) life is at any given moment…

HE IS WORTHY.

It doesn’t matter how thankful I feel.

HE IS GOOD.

Cultivating a heart of gratitude is a lifelong process. Even though I’ve had this blog and an audience for accountability for almost a decade, it still doesn’t always come easily. Fiery darts in the form of crippling anxiety and chronic PTSD, along with the relentless cares of this world are ever seeking to rob my joy and squelch my testimony.

But God.

I won’t do it perfectly. But I will praise Him. I will fall, but I will praise Him in the dirt. I will freak out and forget everything I have learned, but He will remind me and I will repent and praise Him again. I will get prideful and start acting like I’ve got it all together, and once I’m done looking and sounding like a fool, I will praise the One who deserves it.

Thank You Jesus, for Who You Are and all You have done. I don’t deserve Your grace, but I’m so so thankful for it.

Thank You for 9 years with Sawyer, 9 years with our family, 9 years of growth, 9 years with all of you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” (Isaiah 25:1)

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.” (Psalms 86:12)

Summer’s End

I am thankful:

~ for another sweet Birthday Girl! Our Brown-Eyed-Girl, Zoe, had a great day. Zoe is our quiet one, easily letting herself slip into the background. But she loves that on her birthday, she is the star! And we all enjoyed her menu of choice – dad’s grilled hamburgers and salad, followed by rich chocolate layer cake. Excited to see what God has in store for our girl.

~ for precious puppies. Birdie is such a good mama. And thankful for a comfy spot for me to nest with them for the next few weeks.

~ for lots and lots of projects. There is never a lack of things to work on here on the farm. Last summer was spent building the barn, and this year we still have plenty to do to make this place our little haven. I love that the kids can jump right in. They are learning so much, far beyond the useful and practical skills they THINK they’re learning.

~ for our latest additions to the barnyard and companions for Clarence: our geese, Jack and Diane, and new duck, Leroy.

~ for some divine dining with my love.

~ for the opportunity to be a part of a special wedding of some dear friends. I’m no florist, but I jumped into that role in a leap of faith, and had the most wonderful time. It was a lovely wedding, beautifully put together but not overdone. No pomp. No ego-maniacal bridezilla desperate for the spotlight. Just a delightful couple in love with Jesus and each other, with a fiercely supportive close-knit family supporting them. The simple elegance of this family and the blissfully old-fashioned sentiment of the day will linger with me long after the fragrance of the peonies and eucalyptus have faded. (But what a lovely scent indeed!)

~ thankful to celebrate my retirement from the wedding business.

~ for lingering beauty and crops hanging on despite the drought. Almost everything is desperately fading and crispy, but our little sweet corn harvest is getting close, and one stunning cosmos continues to show off. I love this bright spot in the garden.

Summer is quickly fading away. I don’t ever remember a busier summer. Ever. It makes me crave simplicity. A slower pace. I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever achieve with our supersized Tribe and supersized schedule, but I know that simplifying is more of a heart condition than anything else. Shaking off the extras and holding fast to what really matters. And married to MY HUSBAND, a “slower pace” isn’t going to mean sitting in my rocking chair. It will be more like sitting beside him on the scaffolding hanging soffit. And coffee. Always coffee.

But there’s no place I’d rather be.

Whatever season you find yourself: glorious mountaintop or lonely valley, busier than busy or quieter than quiet, there is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalms 46:10)

July 23

It’s not a day we celebrate.

But it’s a day we never ever forget.

Cancerversary.

How can this day still knock me out year after year? I cannot express how much I hate that I am still FLATTENED every July 23. There is such a huge part of me that sneers, “Get over it! He’s here! He’s fine! It’s in the past! Thank God for his healing and move on!”

We have SO MUCH that we praise God for! They said he wouldn’t survive the day. BUT GOD! We have our beautiful boy, and 9 years later he is still here living his best life!

But on July 23, I just stay stuck. Stuck reliving every shell-shocked moment of that day. It’s like re-watching a movie when the worst part is about to happen. I want to shout at the unsuspecting characters what I know is coming, “Watch out! You’re about to be hit by a train!”

That is always what I go back to. We never saw it coming. We had no idea that life as we knew it was about to end and would never ever be the same. July 23, 2014 BC. Before Cancer. The steel toe kick to the stomach and the concrete truck sitting on my chest.

The emotions of cancerversary remind me to give thanks and to love big because you never what what’s around the corner.

They remind me that I’m not who I was 9 years ago, and I never will be. Cancer changed my DNA and that’s ok.

They remind me that even though I will never ever understand why this happened to my baby, God is big enough for my questions, my hurt, my anger, and even my unbelief.

They remind me that out of the worst and darkest season of our life were birthed some of the deepest, most genuine and priceless relationships we could never have expected and that would never have developed any other way. And that Sawyer and his story have touched more hearts and opened more doors for the Gospel to go forth than we will ever know.

I didn’t remind Sawyer the significance of this date today. As he has gotten a little older, his emotions have gotten bigger, and I can tell he’s starting to wrestle through some feelings he can’t fully understand. He asks more questions about cancer. About death. I don’t want to stir anything up unnecessarily. He didn’t even notice that I stared at him a little more today, hugged him a little tighter and a little longer, or that I left my sunglasses on even when it wasn’t bright.

I am thankful and I am broken. I am strong. And I am so, so tired of being strong.

Today at church, I wrapped my arms around Sawyer (probably a little too tight) as he stood in front of me during worship. I could feel his little chest rise and fall, and the vibration of each word as he sang from a pure and innocent heart, “I love You Lord for Your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. From the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, I will sing of the goodness of God.”

And I know he really means it. And so do I. God really is good, all the time. Even when we don’t understand.

I pray I will one day be free of all fear and dread. That one day I will stop holding my breath. That I will allow myself to imagine Sawyer growing up to be a man. And I pray that I will not transfer any of my burdens onto my beautiful son; that my hangups will never hold him back from all the Lord has for his life.

I look forward to the day when Jesus will wipe away every tear, and no child will ever again be diagnosed with or lost to cancer.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” (Mark 9:24)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.” (1 Samuel 1:27-28)