Clobbered

~ for Josh’s new teeth! He has had half-done dental work that has left him with 2 missing front teeth for almost 6 months. Since having his affected teeth removed, he’s had numerous reschedulings, cancellations, and setbacks. This has been irritating, painful, inconvenient, and humbling. And with the events of late, we weren’t sure how much longer he was going to have to wait. THANKFULLY, the dentist agreed completing Josh’s procedure could be classified as an emergency. And now my handsome husband has his beautiful smile back! SO THANKFUL!

~ for National Doctor’s Day. We LOVE our doctors, and are so thankful for the impact they have had on our lives. I love that this season is causing us to spend more time THANKING these and other Community Helpers, real heroes that are serving us every day.

~ for more positives with home schooling than negatives. I am so proud of the kids’ attitudes. They have obediently and MOSTLY eagerly stayed on track with their work, and it has really not been a battle to keep them engaged.

~ for second chances. And third. And 87th. I am not a good teacher. Oh, sometimes I am. I CAN be fun and creative and patient. But I’m usually not. Especially when I’m not teaching material that I’m familiar with. And especially when my student isn’t grasping the concept. After the 3rd time. Or the 87th time. So in the middle of a particularly trying lesson…a math lesson, (and believe me when I say that I have NO BUSINESS TEACHING ANYONE MATH), I just laid down with my face on the floor and asked Jesus for help. We wrestled our way through it, and who knows if any of it actually penetrated the child’s understanding, but at least we got the answer on the assignment solved finally. And I hugged that sweet one tight and we both cried. And I made a promise, I said, “We’re gonna get through this. You’re gonna keep trying and Mama’s gonna keep trying, ok?” BUT GOD. Grace upon grace.

~ for steady wifi service.

~ for groceries in the pantry. We are stretched and learning to be creative, but we don’t lack for anything we actually NEED.

~ for our morning devotions. I’m so thankful to start each day with the kids in the Word. It’s not magic, it doesn’t make everything go great. But at least I know we are starting in the right place and keeping the first things FIRST.

~ for coffee. I will forever thank coffee as my official sponsor of 2020. And I also thank dry shampoo, deodorant, and stretchy pants.

~ for calls from our wonderful GCS family. They are checking in on us, perhaps a little “mental health triage” and it is so heart-warming to hear those familiar voices of the friends we miss so much. It’s awesome to KNOW that they are praying for us, as we are praying for them.

~ for the tiny carrot seedlings that have poked their heads from the earth, reminding me that new life is always pushing forth. Lord, let my heart be fertile ground for the things you want to birth in me.

~ for the jumbo economy bucket of ice cream that we originally bought just because it was cheap, and now we think is the very best-tasting ice cream ever.

~ for family movie and pizza night. For living room forts and inside picnics. For cuddling with my husband, and with the children that still want to. Everything means more now than ever before.

~ for my brave husband. He has the courage to step out in faith and do what is RIGHT even if it goes against popular opinion or social standards. I’m so proud of the way he leads our family.

~ for re-starting our online “Thankful Game.” It’s definitely a good time to spur one another on to giving thanks. We’ve shared some much-needed laughs too.

~ for multiple online platforms of encouraging sermons this morning, even Children’s Church. I get excited thinking about how many people who are tiptoeing into churches for the first time in a long time, now that it is accessible right in their homes.

~ for my hammock. I do love a hammock.

~ that our quarantine could never be classified as LONELY or BORING. Again, this is something I don’t always count as a blessing, but boy I should!

~ for reminders when I need reminding. I had a strange encounter earlier this week, on the one occasion that I actually left the house to run an errand. The grocery courtesy clerk counted the stick people across the back of my van. “Wow, is this everybody?” “Yep,” I said, “we’ve got a houseful.” I couldn’t believe my ears when he said candidly, “Man, I would HATE to be you.” I shook off my shock and quickly refuted, “No way! It’s awesome! It’s more fun than you can even imagine!” Moments like that are so eye-opening. Because I DON’T always love having a huge family. My heart isn’t always thankful for having huge messes and huge grocery bill and driving a huge vehicle. Especially when we are all on top of each other for who knows how long. But when I’m reminded of how blessed I am… Man, I’m thankful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m sure most of us are having lots of ups and downs. Days when we are brave and optimistic and ready to learn what God has for us during this time of being “set apart.” Days when we feel scared and uncertain and small and trapped. And days when we just feel unmotivated and schlumpy. (That’s the technical term.) I was on the trampoline with the kids this afternoon, trying to be “Fun Mom.” Everyone was having a good time, weather was perfect, lots of laughs. And I even took a turn to jump. One of the kids started jumping at the same time, and we collided in the air, landing in a heap of sharp little knees and elbows. Hard. The child, unscathed bounced back up giggling. I did not. My wrist and my shin were throbbing from the collision. And out of nowhere, tears started to well in my eyes. Before I knew it, they were pouring. The pain from the fall unlocked a deep well that had been filling and filling somewhere inside me, and once I started, there was no stopping the flood. I just felt CLOBBERED. Clobbered by an accident on the trampoline when I was trying to be fun. Clobbered by the relentless workload of homeschooling 6 kids when I don’t know what I’m doing. Clobbered by teens who (like all the rest of the world) are irritated by their lack of freedoms and feeling sorry for themselves, without the benefit of perspective, empathy, or maturity. Clobbered by the sight of all my kids glued to screens for hours every day, which is contrary to everything I have ever taught them. Clobbered by the fear- and control-shaped holes in my faith that keep creeping in. Clobbered by a new, worse headline in the news every day. Clobbered by weeks upon weeks of little sleep. Clobbered by the guilt that I don’t have the right to complain because so many others have it so much worse. Clobbered by the weight of looking brave.

Maybe you feel like that. Clobbered. I just submit to you that that’s ok. God can handle it, if you’ll just turn to Him. Even though I feel clobbered, I still know the Truth. I know that even if it all gets a whole lot worse before it gets better, I know God wins in the end. And we are all in this together. Don’t believe the lie that you have to do it in your own strength, or that no one else feels like you, or that all the other Christians are keeping it together except you. I’m gonna be strong some days, and encourage one of you on your hard day. And when I can’t get my feet under me, someone is going to leave some sunshine on my doorstep, just because. It’s ok if you don’t teach your kid like the teacher does, or if you don’t know how to check their math. It’s ok if you take a break or don’t get it all done. It’s ok if you don’t go on nature walks with your kids every night after dinner and read them a book before you tuck them in to bed. It’s ok if you don’t alphabetize your closets and learn a new language and do a Pinterest craft every Thursday. (And it’s ok if you do!) It’s ok if you only shower once a week and don’t change out of your Sunday clothes until Wednesday (purely hypothetical, of course). This may be a glorious season of growth for most of us, and I genuinely believe God has that in His plan… but in the midst of all that growth, there’s gonna be pain, and wrestling, and some of it we may not understand for a long time to come.

Be kind to yourself. When you have a great day, or a great moment – reach out to somebody and share some joy. And when you blow it: take a deep breath, and give yourself a do-over. Let’s look for opportunities to love one another well this week, if even from a distance. It’s Easter Week, the time of year most celebrated by Believers. We will celebrate that Christ is Risen! He bravely, willingly, and perfectly endured unbearable suffering and separation from His Father. And He did it for us. We DO have so much to be thankful for! Prepare your heart for the JOY THAT IS COMING!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His, And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.” (Psalms 30:4-5)

Yes I Will

Some weeks we have to dig a little deeper to find the blessings.

But they are ALWAYS there.

Last week, we had an ambiguous “extra week” of Spring Break, we “played” school to stay busy, and learned new words like “pandemic” and “social distancing.”

This week, Virtual Learning was officially launched by our school. Effective immediately. Duration, indefinitely. At my house, that means I now teach Kindergarten, 2nd grade, 3rd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade, and 9th grade, ALL subjects ranging from phonics to Algebra, Spanish, Latin, world geography, literature, Bible, and history. By the end of the week, the mayor issued the “Shelter in Place” order, and we are now pretty much on lockdown. Carson Grace received word from ETBU that on campus classes will not reconvene this school year.

Life feels like it is on perpetual pause. Groundhog Day over and over again. What day is it? Who knows? Does it even matter?

People have asked how I am managing with 8 kids, homeschooling, not leaving the house, and my anxiety. The most honest response I can give is, I’m glad there are no witnesses. It’s been ok. We’ve had rough moments. And sweet ones. I’ve had kids snuggled in my lap while I read to them, we have played together, we have danced together, and we have worshipped. On the other hand, I have lost my cool. I’ve yelled. I’ve cried. I’ve laid awake for hours at night. I’ve eaten more sweets than I will ever admit to.

But more than ever, I GENUINELY BELIEVE this season is about putting our faith into practice. Of course it SHOULD always be that way. But let’s get real. We are finding out if we really believe the things we used to say so casually…. “God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!”

We have a choice.

I am thankful:

~ for new mercies every morning. I need to go back over my Sunday Gratitudes (how can it be that I have been writing every Sunday for almost 6 years now???) and see how many times I have been thankful for new morning mercies. That is nothing new. But boy, I am so grateful as I collapse into bed every night that the day is OVER and I get to start fresh the next day. Every day is a do-over.

~ for the hard work our teachers and administration has done to transfer all of their curriculum into an online format for us. I HAVE NEVER APPRECIATED OUR WONDERFUL TEACHERS SO MUCH! Wow! The things we realize we have under-appreciated or taken for granted! They have done a TREMENDOUS JOB of making this switch happen basically overnight. I am completely in awe of their giftings: their knowledge, their patience, and their love for all our kids that kept them coming back to their jobs day after day. Oh how I miss my kids’ teachers! (I bet not HALF as much as my KIDS miss their teachers! Their new teacher is SO MEAN! And never goes away!)

~ for generous help from loved ones to supplement the groceries we can’t stock up on for our jumbo-sized clan.

~ for my kids OUTSTANDING attitudes. They’ve had a few bumps (mostly in response to my own volatile moods), but so far they are still eager to get to their school work, and enjoying the material, and very forgiving of their grumpy teacher. I’m truly the most blessed mama in all the world.

~ for another successful out-of-my-comfort-zone first. The physical Laurel & Cotton Spring Sale was obviously cancelled, but the feisty shop owner, Melissa, undeterred, launched a virtual sale via Facebook LIVE. That meant a crash course in camera-work and social media for each vendor. It was nerve-wracking and felt completely awkward to talk to my phone (check out my CLASSY, PRO-FESSIONAL tripod!) and imagine an invisible audience in my living room (while my Littles were banished into hiding upstairs). Amazingly enough, it went well, I had several kind viewers and comments, and I actually sold a bunch of Giddyup & Whoa signs, including more after the LIVE sale ended! I was thrilled! Not only that, but Melissa sold raffle tickets and designed an exclusive Go GOLD t-shirt, and raised $665 for Gold Network of East Texas! What an awesome blessing!

~ for Josh’s job. There seem to be new developments every day, and we know we cannot take anything for granted anymore. The actual store is closed, so his interaction with the public is pretty minimal. He had to lay off some employees this week, which was really hard on him. He never EVER complains, although I know the gravity of the times and all that he is responsible for weighs heavily on his heart. And he never fails to check on how I am doing, and to encourage me. I’m grateful we can be raw and real and honest with one another. No filter.

~ for technology. To accomplish virtual learning, we use a desktop computer, wireless printer, 2 laptops, 2 iPads, and a phone. Thus far our router has held up to the massive usage, and I’ve been shocked and thoroughly impressed at how minimal the technical issues have been. And we also had the opportunity to FaceTime with friends we hardly ever get to see. This forced slower pace and social distancing is causing us to be more intentional.

~ for coffee. 3 to 4 pots a day.

~ for our safe and comfortable home, and having everything we need. We have kind, loving neighbors, a beautiful, quiet street. Cooper has been organizing baseball tournaments and lizard hunts with the Littles. We are not suffering in our quarantine.

~ for laughs. We’ve had some good late nights with our bigger kids, watching tv and funny videos together. Carson Grace even badgered mom and dad and the whole Tribe into filming a TikTok video with her for a contest for school. She choreographed a routine with us, and we provided live entertainment for our neighborhood from our front yard. It was pretty hysterical how we all got into it.

~ for virtual church service from our living room. It brought such comfort to see our pastors’ faces and to worship together with THE CHURCH. We all even put on REAL CLOTHES for the occasion, and took the Lord’s Supper together. It was simple, intimate, and very special. I love that my kids are learning firsthand that the CHURCH has nothing to do with a building.

Hamburger bun and solo cups have never been so sanctified

~ for thoughtful care packages filled with love.

~ for glorious sunshine. Perfect for walks, PE, picnic lunches, and art class.

~ for “Live Meets” for each kiddo with their teacher and classmates. It was so good for their hearts to get to see and hear from their friends. And we got calls from several of our teachers, just checking in on us. I’m so blessed and thankful for our GCS community.

~ for the people “out in the world” that continue to go to work to keep the world running. First responders, healthcare workers, supermarket personnel, banks, truck drivers, sanitation workers…we will be grateful forever.

One of the things I’m going to treasure the most from this season is my time with the kids right after breakfast each morning before we start school. We snuggle up on the couch and each read verse by verse the Psalm and Proverb of the day, and then I’m reading to them from Hind’s Feet on High Places. What a perfect book for the season. The conversations with the children have been priceless. We have walked with Much Afraid as she faced Pride, Resentment, and Self-Pity, along the Sea of Loneliness and now into the Forests of Danger and Tribulation. How I want to respond as Acceptance With Joy, “He (the Shepherd) has brought me here when I did not want to come, for His own purpose. I, too, will look up into His face and say, ‘Behold me! I am your little handmaiden, Acceptance-with-Joy.’”

I’m not going to lie and say that’s where I’m at. But it is my prayer. I know that this is an opportunity for us to be refined and sifted by our LOVING FATHER. I know that my hope is IN HIM, and that this world is not my home. And I don’t want to miss the hidden blessings. God WILL REDEEM FOR GOOD what the enemy intends for evil. The immediate blessing of having extra quality time with my kids is just the beginning. I pray for a deep and lasting heart change and genuine appreciation to be birthed around the world.

So friends, let’s love one another well this week. We may not be able to gather together physically, but we can call and check in one one another. Write a letter. Send a text. Film a video. Get creative. I’m not sure how much energy I’ll have left to be creative after my packed days of homeschooling, but I’m going to do my best. It’s ok to be honest about how we feel. Everything is different, and oftentimes “different” = hard and scary. But we can’t be RULED by how we FEEL. Let’s give each other lots of grace and remember that kindness is contagious. It’s also ok to stay in stretchy pants. (But I personally AM making a commitment to shower more regularly this week.)

This song has really ministered to me this week, and the lyrics are especially appropriate for the season we are in. I hope it encourages you.

https://youtu.be/NrTv39-lG4M

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.” (Galatians 6:9-10)

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.” (Psalms 46:1-7)

Contagious

If EVER there was a time to be reminded that there is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for, I think it is this week.

I am thankful:

~ for Sawyer’s full and complete recovery from strep throat and scarlet fever! His salami rash slowly receded and eventually stopped itching, and he is doing great. Perhaps the greater miracle is that NO ONE ELSE GOT SICK!!!! Glory to God!!!!

~ for a fun and relaxed Spring Break week before the crazy hit. It blows my mind to look back through all the pictures I have taken and realize this was all THIS WEEK.

~ for my favorite Spring Break tradition. Six years ago, we had just had a major life change. The population explosion of 2013. That next March we had 8 children, including three newly adopted kids and a four month old. Spring break plans were out of the question for lots of reasons. And I was also completely overwhelmed with the question, “How can I give each child the time and attention he/she needs?” So our Spring Break plan became one-on-one breakfasts with mom. It was just a tiny thing, but a sweet opportunity to get away with each child. And that has become our thing. The kids are chosen at random, no one knows they’re going until they get the tap in their sleep in the morning. They pick the place, and usually we play a few rounds of 20 questions while we eat. I absolutely treasure it.

~ for lovely weather. We went on walks, picnics, went to the park, and to the pond to feed the ducks.

~ for movie night. Finally got to watch Frozen 2, and it was so good. We love us some Elsa.

~ for an unexpected quick visit from Aunt Gina and Cousin Jackie.

~ for a sweet early St. Patrick’s Day goodie from Grandmommy.

~ for Pi Day (3.14, March 14). I will take advantage of any opportunity to make AND EAT a pie! (Thank You Lord, for my pie-loving girl that I can use as an excuse to bake pies!)

~ for one tiny purple violet smiling in my yard. Hooray for spring!

~ for Andy’s Frozen Custard and Rounder’s Pizza. Love us some local yumminess!

~ for the best help for Dad to put together our new fire pit.

So. We had a lovely, low key Spring Break week. And then things started to get crazy. At first we didn’t pay much attention, because it didn’t seem like it had much to do with us. Then the crazy started taking over. Headlines. Social media. Emails. Cancellations. Hysteria and hoarding in the grocery aisles.

I have plenty of opinions, but they really don’t matter. The fact is, this is what we are living in right now. I have lived a lifestyle of “social distancing” for more than 3 years. No crowds. Masks. Wiping down surfaces with bleach and hospital grade disinfectant. Militant hand washing and hand sanitizer at every door. Changing clothes as soon as coming home from school/work. When you live with someone who is immune-compromised, life looks different. The “outside world” feels scary, with danger lurking on every surface. (I can’t relate to the toilet paper frenzy, though…) I know what it’s like to want people to respect that my son couldn’t fight off “just a virus,” no matter how minor it was.

I read somewhere that what our kids will remember most about this season is how their parents acted. We have been very mindful of this with our kids. Telling them we don’t have to be afraid, but we do have a responsibility to make wise choices to keep ourselves and others healthy. God is bigger than any virus, and none of this has taken Him by surprise. That doesn’t mean that if you “have faith” you ignore the warnings and barrel through.

I have faith. I know that God is in control. I know that no matter what happens, I STILL KNOW how the story ultimately ends. And in the meantime, I plan to do the best I know how to care for my family, and be a compassionate and responsible citizen that is mindful of others. I also have been open with the fact that I routinely struggle with anxiety, and health concerns really ramp that up for me. So I walk a very precarious tightrope of faith vs. fear.

BUT GOD.

Today was named National Day of Prayer for our country. Let’s do it again tomorrow. PRAY! Pray for the broken-hearted families who have lost loved ones. For those who are sick. For those who are scared. For the first responders and doctors and nurses and healthcare workers who are CHOOSING to work on the front lines and provide care to the masses. For families with critically ill loved ones in hospitals that fear being exposed. For the kids who are missing meals because the only time they get to eat is at school. For the moms and dads who have to choose between keeping their job or caring for their kids at home. For the businesses and employees who don’t know how they will manage with their loss of income. For the store managers who are fielding nonstop complaints about the shelves they can’t keep stocked. For the truck drivers feverishly trying to get those cargos delivered. For the nursing home residents who are on lockdown. And for the elderly people and immune-suppressed people for all different reasons who know they are potentially in danger. For the leaders of our country and our states and cities who have important decisions to make as best they can.

Let’s look past being irritated and inconvenienced. Turn off the sources spreading rumors and panic and frustration. And start SPREADING KINDNESS. Let’s find the good in a slower paced, more simplified lifestyle. Let’s spend time with our kids. Read. Call people we miss. Be creative. Clean. Take walks. Pray.

This Thursday is Sophie the Brave Day. Sophie Skiles would be turning 5 on March 19, but she will spend it in heaven with Jesus because of cancer. Her incredible parents, Jonathan and Shelby, have dedicated this day to spreading Christ’s love across the globe in Sophie’s memory. Do something! Call a hurting friend. Drop off a care package to a hospital. Order from Amazon and have supplies delivered to a nursing home. Send cards to a shut-in. There are plenty of ways to #domoreforsoph that don’t violate safe social distancing practices.

Let our faith be bigger than our fear.

Kindness is contagious.

Thanks for giving thanks with me. (And wash your hands.)

“Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” (Hebrews 13:15-16)

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:9-10)

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:12-15)

Vision

I am thankful:

~ for those sweet moments that make me laugh. Tatum was crying, but was trying to settle herself down when her nose started running. Horrified, she started crying harder, “Mama!!! Now my NOSE is CRYING!” That girl keeps me on my toes.

~ for a better-than-expected first week with new puppy, Birdie. She is sweet, and Bear is getting used to her…he is alternately playful and annoyed. She is sleeping much better and more tuned-in to potty training than Bear was when we first got him. She’s certainly doing better on the potty train than Miss Tatum K. I guess perhaps Mama is a little more motivated with the dog…the puppy’s accidents aren’t contained by a diaper, and Tatum is at least slightly LESS likely to poop on my rugs….

~ for some of the most beautiful wood we’ve ever worked with as Giddyup & Whoa. It is truly the prettiest, chippiest, most awesome wood, and it’s so special to the family we are making signs for. Such an honor to be entrusted with their memories.

~ for Cooper being home safe from an incredible trip to Camp Eagle in West Texas.

~ for AWESOME new GO GOLD t-shirts. Go check out Laurel & Cotton to get yours. Thank you so much to Melissa Vance for your heart to help our HERO families!

~ for another new and beautiful dream realized. Last September after Tyler Gold Run, Josh and I started talking about how badly we want more people to understand the vision of Gold Network of East Texas. Over the last 5 years, we have focused on reaching every family we could find, and raising funds by asking the local businesses we know to be race sponsors. But we have come to realize that focusing on Tyler Gold Run is so short-sighted. MOST people don’t want to hear about a race. MOST people aren’t interested in being a race sponsor. But I genuinely BELIEVE that if MOST people hear about these families, about the reality of childhood cancer, and about the incomparable bravery of these kids, that they will get on board with us and we just might change the world. So we decided we wanted to have a dinner. We envisioned inviting friends and family and others from the community to our home and just sharing our hearts. When we started making a list, I told Josh that I thought it MIGHT be too big for our house. To which he replied, “I don’t care! I’ll stand on the table and talk!” But as it all actually began to unfold, we decided to book the Foundry, a downtown coffee shop with additional venue space. We reserved the middle floor which held 78 people, and we prayed that we weren’t being overly optimistic. We booked a professional videographer, booked a caterer, booked a cellist, and called it the Vision Dinner. And a week before the event, we had to move our reservation to the 3rd floor, because we had OUTGROWN the capacity! The Vision Dinner was Tuesday evening, and it was SO SPECIAL! We heard from several of our Hero moms and from brave 8th grader and Ewing’s Sarcoma survivor, Aneesa, who read her inspiring letter to her school principal asking her school to Go Gold. We shared what GNET had done over the past 5 years and our vision for the future. I looked out at the crowded room of kind, supportive faces around the carefully decorated gold and black tables and felt as though my heart would burst. I even had the special blessing of having Colton there: he had lined up several of his friends from work who all VOLUNTEERED their time to be our head servers. GNET received many donations that night, but more importantly, I genuinely believe eyes were opened and hearts were touched.

I will never forget that night.

~ for the times when the Lord tells me to trust my gut. Wednesday evening, Sawyer started complaining of a headache and sore throat. Thermometer revealed 101° fever. We gave him some Motrin and tucked him in to bed, fighting the inevitable anxiety that creeps in when he runs fever. Years of conditioning to head straight to the hospital for a temp higher than 100.4° is hard to let go of. We know the unlikelihood of fever meaning cancer relapse, and we know viruses come and go, and they just have to run their course. Next morning, 103°. I gave lots of fluids and Sawyer did not resist being confined to his bed. That evening, his fever spiked back up to 104° and a rash began to spread across his chest and back. Sawyer looked at himself and said, “Mama, I look like salami!” I still tried not to overreact. I know rashes can pop up with fevers. But I just couldn’t shake my concern. I was able to get the VERY LAST appointment for Friday afternoon at the pediatrician. And am I ever grateful that the Lord wouldn’t let me let it go: sweet boy tested positive for strep throat and scarlet fever! I hate to think how sick he could have gotten if we had waited until after the weekend! BUT GOD! With antibiotics, the fever quickly subsided, and after a day he was released from quarantine. Salami Boy is still pretty spotty and itchy, but the maddening red rash is improving and his sore throat is gone. And thankfully no one else shows signs of getting sick. Thank You Jesus!

~ for gloriously good news for my friend after terrifying news, an agonizing waiting period, and a very serious surgery. Praying for healing mercies as she turns the page on a scary chapter.

~ I am thankful for the GOAL of Daylight Savings Time, and I know I will enjoy lighter, brighter evenings this summer. BUT TONIGHT I AM MISSING THAT HOUR AND I AM SO VERY TIRED.

~ for the wide open schedule of Spring Break ahead. Praying for lots of grace and patience and getting along with one another and sunshiny days for playing outside.

My heart is so sad tonight. Another innocent child was lost to cancer. Two in a month. Two more families that should be watching their babies grow up, and instead, they can only wonder what might’ve been. And yet another family I love is on a trip to soak up some last memories with their sweet little one before they have to say goodbye. Father God, I love You and I trust that You are good, even though no part of me can understand. Help me to fix my eyes on You and not on the chaos and brokenness of my surroundings.

Hold close the ones you love. Please visit our newly updated website www.goldnetworkoet.com to see the phenomenal video. If you are moved to give, please do so. Or contact me about getting involved. Childhood cancer is not going away. Help us do more for families living their worst nightmare.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalms 90:12)

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth;” (Job 19:25)

But God

I am thankful:

~for cute/sweet conversations overheard….

Sawyer, “Mama! Tatum is jumping on me and squashing me and I can’t breathe!”

Tatum K “I sowwy Sasa.”

Sawyer, “It’s ok Tatum. I’ll always love you.”

~ for a couple beautiful days of sunshine! It was so refreshing to get outside and breathe deep in the crisp air and take a walk again!

~ for a great excuse for a sweet treat. February 18 is International Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, a day set aside to raise awareness for childhood cancer. Often during cancer treatment, kids lose their appetite. The chemo makes food taste terrible and kids day nauseated day in and day out. Sometimes the only thing that sounds good or might bring a smile is some ice cream. So why not ice cream for breakfast? We join in to encourage kids who are fighting cancer, to celebrate with kids who have completed their treatment, and to remember the friends who were taken from us too soon. What a blessing to have friends from all over who joined in and shared their pictures with us. Thank you all so much.

~ for yet another birthday at our house – mine! I had a great day, lots of sweet messages from friends and family, homemade cards from the sweetest kids on the planet, a heavenly breakfast date with my sweetheart (and Tatum K of course), and a surprise coffee date with Colton! I was blessed beyond measure. Oh, and one of my highlights was getting the GOLD sneakers I’ve been dreaming of for a LONG TIME!!! And a new gold coffee cup! (Is there a theme here?)

~ for the kindness of Grace Community School. The GCS HOSA Club (Health Occupations Students of America, or Future Health Professionals) recently held a drive at the high school to collect the items we give in our New Diagnosis Survival Kits. We are so thankful for the HOSA students for organizing and the students for donating!

~ for amazing progress on Carson Grace’s room/my studio. The Murphy bed turned out great, and we (after 79,358 problems and equipment malfunctions) got the whole room sprayed a fresh, bright Alabaster white. I got inspired and started playing around with some stain colors and ended up loving the way the headboard turned out; and Josh did an amazing job on the reclaimed wood countertop. It’s so fun working on a new project together, and we are reminded of how much we enjoy the process of dreaming up a design and then knocking it out.

~for a beautiful opportunity for our girls to give a praise offering to the Lord. Samantha and Kora are a part of the Psalm 149 Dance Team at church, preteen girls learning the art of worship dance. The team is even taught by a young teenager who once danced in this group when she was younger. It was an honest and sweet outpouring of love for the Lord, and their performance at church this morning was so beautiful.

~ for 15 years of memories. We sorrowfully said goodbye to a precious member of our family this week, our 15-year-old pug, Cricket. He’s been the best dog and has been through it all with us. He was our first family dog when we just had three kids. He survived the great Rucker Population Explosion of 2013, and was a bright source of joy for us throughout the journey of cancer. He has rapidly deteriorated over the past few months, and I began to think the only thing keeping him alive was his sheer hatred of our new-er dog, Bear. We are thankful that he is no longer suffering, and we will lovingly remember him always, but there is a stinky, snuffy-nosed, Cricket-shaped place that hurts in all our hearts right now.

The words from the song I shared last week still resonate in my head… “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working. You never stop, You never stop working.” No matter what’s going on, there are ALWAYS blessings to count. That’s what Sunday Gratitude is about.

But this week has been one blow after another.

A dear friend got a devastating health news.

Another friend had troubling findings on her sonogram.

A suffering mother anxiously longs for her healing by graduation to heaven.

Not one, but TWO new children were diagnosed with cancer here in Tyler.

And another family got the only news worse than “your child has cancer.” The words, “There’s nothing more we can do.”

BUT GOD.I say that a lot, both here on the blog and in real life.What does that even mean anyway? BUT GOD. It means He really IS the answer to every question.

Father God, I am out of pretty words. My heart is broken and bleeding and sad. I am hurting for my friends. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why babies have to get sick and suffer. I hate cancer. Oh, how I hate cancer. I don’t understand why some people get healed on this earth and some people don’t. But I do know with everything inside me that You are FULLY GOOD. I believe that You have a good plan that is better than mine. And I believe that You hold me when I’m sad and mad and confused and anxious and furious and falling apart. AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS WORLD IS PASSING AWAY AND WE WILL ONE DAY LIVE A GLORIOUS LIFE WITH YOU IN HEAVEN! And there will be NO MORE SORROW AND NO MORE PAIN! How I long for that day! Until then, Father God, please hold my friends close. Give them Your supernatural peace that defies all logic. Give them grace breath by breath to walk through their circumstances. Surround them with friends who bring Your comfort. Show us how to help them in real life, practical ways. If it’s Your will to heal on this earth – HEAL!!!! To You be all the glory!!!! And if it’s Your will to heal them in heaven, let it be bathed in Your infinite mercy, and help us to trust in Your timing. Jesus COME!

Please pray for the hurting people all around you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

““For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

We hope

I am thankful:

~ for momentum! One more beam down! It’s tiring, backbreaking work, and such a mess, but I’m (thankfully) still in love with the results, and the end is in sight… (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about it here).

~ for the deep, heart to heart conversations with my 2 year old. Tatum, “ mama can I have a snack?”

Me “ do you want an orange?”

“No! I want a snack!”

“Ok, then what DO you want?”

“An ORANGE!”

~ for cheerful fresh tulips brightening my table.

~ for healing! We have all been taking our turns with THE CRUD over the last couple of weeks…intermittent fevers, coughs, runny noses. Last weekend, Sawyer’s cough intensified, and he woke up Monday with a fever. We don’t mess around with anything when it comes to him, and fevers set this mama on high alert, so we were at the pediatrician’s office at 8:30am.

Dr. Everett definitely suspected that he could be in the early stages of developing pneumonia, but we agreed to just watch him closely before jumping forward to any meds. So he missed 2 days of school, and we had a couple pretty rough nights, but Jesus protected Sawyer, and he got better instead of worse! Glory to the Lord! He’s still a little weak, and tires easily, but I told him if he rests well tonight, he’ll finally be allowed to run at recess again. He is SO READY. He told me he’s been being the soccer goalie at recess, and “I’m so terrible at it Mama.” And I think the rest of us are ALMOST well also.

~ for the opportunity to participate in another Vintage & Co. Jodi does the most amazing job of curating her collections of beautiful and unique vintage finds. It’s always an honor to be able to add a few Giddyup & Whoa pieces to her sales.

~ for the simple little things that bring such joy to my kids. Like pancakes for dinner. You would have thought it was the finest gourmet cuisine ever cooked. I bet they each thanked me 6 times.

~for my kiddos’ sweet and innocent prayers at midweek service. They prayed for healing for everyone who was sick, prayed for their older siblings to make good choices and to “stay on God’s path,” and one of them prayed simply, ”Dear God, help me to obey and have self control.” How it blesses me to hear them learning to talk to their Heavenly Father, and believe that He hears them.

~ for another fun and simple DIY Goodwill makeover. Love those 99¢ finds!

~ for a great time celebrating a dear friend’s birthday. He was turning 50, so the theme of the party was “OLD.” I love Sawyer’s interpretation…

~ for Carson Grace having the opportunity to sing Beethoven’s 9th with her ETBU Concert Choir this weekend. It was a huge concert, and we weren’t able to be there; but so grateful that Grandmommy, Uncle Justin, and Aunt Gina were able to go support her (and fill her up with some much needed Whataburger.)

~ for the sound of the rain against my window, especially when I’m snug in my bed.

~ for my cuties that just happened to end up looking like little Valentines for church. How are they growing up so fast?

~ for an AWESOME evening at our quarterly Gold Network CONNECT group. The concept was conceived from our trips to Lighthouse Family Retreat, when all the kids would go play and swim, and the parents would gather for a small group time called Common Ground. All these moms and dads from various walks of life, different faith backgrounds, a variety of diagnoses… but all of us had the worst thing in common. We all had a child with cancer. And we pretty much instantly became family. We listened to each other’s stories and we cried and we prayed for one another. And we encouraged one another. And we laughed. The connections were real and deep and unexpected and life-changing. It gave us so much hope. Josh and I had no idea how much we were thirsting for relationships with this specific community of people. And we just knew we had to try to bring something like it in Tyler. Last night we had seven pediatric cancer families around our table. We feasted on food from Oliveto and laughed and talked and ate and cried. And it was pure gold.

Our work with Gold Network of East Texas keeps us pretty entrenched in the childhood cancer world, even though Sawyer is now 3 years off treatment. (That fact is staggering to me). We celebrate all that God has done, and yet we are still continually learning what life-after-cancer means for us. And every day, I am still talking about cancer, and still thinking about cancer. We haven’t left cancer behind. Representing GNET, I am speaking with cancer families daily. I follow their updates and pray for them. I work on Gold Network event planning, manage the website, and almost daily update social media with announcements or post about childhood cancer awareness. It’s always at the forefront of my thoughts and day to day activities. But in such a different context from 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. But all it takes is to listen to one of our GNET parents begin to talk about that terrible, earthshaking moment when everything changed in their life… and I’m right there again. Sitting in a pediatric exam room on a red vinyl cough with a greenish-white baby in my arms, seeing Dr. Everett come in and close the door behind him with a look on his face like someone had kicked him in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. It never goes away. I see all these families and the pained seared in their eyes. Forever changed. Some of them are giving their brave kids toxic meds every day and praying for the cancer to go away. Some of them, like us, have graduated from the treatment routine, and pray against long term side effects and for the cancer to stay away forever. And some of them have said goodbye to their child, and now they wait, and now the hope they pray for is for the day they will be reunited with their child. It never goes away.

EVERYONE is walking through something. The loss of a child. Caring for an aging parent. A strained marriage. A prodigal child. Struggles at work. Chronic pain. Addiction. Loneliness. Anxiety. PTSD. And the world screams at us from 2 camps: either DO MORE! GET YOURS! CRUSH THE COMPETITION! YOU DESERVE TO RISE! Or on the other extreme: SLOW DOWN! TAKE CARE OF YOU! SELF CARE! YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

We all just need Jesus. Because none of us want what we REALLY deserve. We know the mess we truly are inside: the brokenness, the selfishness, the depravity. But He loves us anyway, right where we are. But even though the gift of salvation is FREE, it does have a cost. We have to say “no” to something to say “yes” to Him.

Saying “yes” to Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean our circumstances will change. Sometimes they do. Often they do not. But our PERSPECTIVE changes. And we don’t have to walk alone ever again. Because of Jesus, we are promised that the end of the story is good.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thanks for reading the thoughts I’m musing tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and there’s heaviness weighing on my heart. BUT GOD. Because of Him, I pray with so much hope. Unspeakable joy is COMING.

Have a good week friends. Reach out to somebody who could use a little hope.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

To it Not Through it

I am thankful:

~ for the most adorable Kindergarten talent show! Sawyer and his class wowed us with their variety of talents: from zooming around the auditorium on bikes and scooters to dog training and cartwheels, this is one talented group! Leading up to this event, Sawyer had a hard time narrowing down his choice. Finally, he settled on playing (I use the term “playing” loosely) his ukulele from his Hawaiian Make-a-Wish trip. HOWEVER, said uke was in ROUGH shape. So I promised Sawyer I would take it to a music store to see if it could be fixed. You have never seen a little guy SO EXCITED as Sawyer was as he watched the gentleman at the guitar store repair and completely restring his beloved ukulele. And the man was so kind and so touched by Sawyer’s enthusiasm that he did it all free of charge! (And in the interest of FULL DISCLOSURE, let me just also say, the ukulele got repaired on Monday. Monday was ALSO the day that I finally looked at the calendar and found out that the Talent Show was on WEDNESDAY. So Sawyer basically had one afternoon after school to get ready for his talent. Serious Mom Fail. But GOD. Thankful for God’s great grace.)

~ thankful that I FINALLY got a 2020 calendar so I can get my schedule in order! (If I missed something already, please don’t tell me!)

~ for a great visit with our sweet Miss Lindsay and baby Coby Tate. I have been needing some good CHOCOLATE SUGAR!!! Oh, he is just the sweetest, happiest boy!

~ that Josh had a work day in Marshall and was able to meet Carson Grace for a Taco Bell date! And so thankful that she has had a great first week back at school!

~ for a COMPLETED PUZZLE! It took us 3 1/2 weeks, but we WOULD NOT BE DEFEATED. 998 pieces of 1000. Perhaps one day we will successfully finish a puzzle without losing ANY pieces. Right now that seems like a lofty, unattainable goal. We are taking a break from puzzles for a while.

~ for football exciting enough to get even ME interested! So fun to root for a local hero. Let’s go Chiefs!

~ for ooey-gooey chocolate chip cookies still warm from the oven.

~ for a successful week for Giddyup & Whoa. New products, new orders, and new custom work. We are getting great feedback on our new website. And so excited to have 2 upcoming local sale opportunities. We will have items for sale at the Vintage & Co Valentine Pop-up Shop February 6-8 in Tyler, and I will be working a space at the Laurel & Cotton POP-up Shop March 27-28 in Bullard (this is the one benefitting Gold Network of East Texas.) So grateful for the support of our little family business. And for my cute and ever-eager youngest model, “Mama! Pitcha me!”

~ for an over-the-top celebration for the most joyous of occasions. Our friend and Gold Network Hero, Addie Leigh turned 5! And what could be better than turning five? How about triumphantly finishing cancer treatment!!!?? NOW THAT is cause for celebration! I’m talking bounce houses, food trucks, snow cones, face painting, and a balloon artist! Addie Leigh and her family have just recently moved into their new home, which had been an intensive renovation, and the setting was perfect for a fresh new start for the whole family. Everything, even the weather Saturday, a bright day of sunshine after days upon days of dreary drizzle, was like a refreshing gift of HOPE. My favorite moment of the day (besides seeing beautiful, spunky Addie Leigh frolicking with her friends, shining from the inside out) was when I was chatting with Tami, Addie Leigh’s mom. She was talking about how busy things had been building up to this special day. She said she had to get through the party before she could think about anything else. But as soon as she said it, she quickly corrected herself. “I want to soak this up and ENJOY IT! This is something to celebrate! This is not something I want to just GET THROUGH! I have reminded myself that I wanted to GET TO this day, not get THROUGH IT!” Her words absolutely INSPIRED me.

What a beautiful perspective. How many times do we get so sidetracked by the details and busywork that we MISS THE JOY??? What a waste. Lord, help me to enjoy the journey AND the destination. Even through the hard, let my eyes look for You, and learn all You have for me along the way. Help me to be a wife and friend and mama that is PRESENT.

Let’s BE PRESENT and love each other well this week. Whatever is on the horizon, whatever you are working toward, whatever challenge you are facing…let’s get TO IT, not just through it. God is good, and He is faithful.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” (Psalms 113:2-3)

He Will Make a Way

I am thankful:

~ for the clean slate of January around my house. All the Christmas decor is neatly stored away in the attic until next year, and everything feels brighter and more open.

~ for kids going back to school. They were ready, and so was Mom.

~ for a mini living room refresh. Christmas gift cards provided a new rug and floor lamp that make the room cozy and inviting. Of course, because this is REAL LIFE, we’d had the rug for EXACTLY 2 HOURS when our dog had a MOST UNFORTUNATE accident in the middle of it.

~ that FINALLY after SIX DAYS of REPEATED MOST UNFORTUNATE accidents ALL OVER MY HOUSE, our dog is over whatever made him sick.

~ for Sawyer’s first time to receive a Character Quality award at Chapel. He got one in JrK last year, but in that grade, awards are given in the classroom. This time, he got to hear his name called (it’s always kept a surprise) and walk up on the stage in front of the whole school to receive an award from the Principal and Vice Principal. It sure was special to see those little legs and that curly head march up all those stairs and shake their hands! And I love that he was recognized for “Contentment.” He really is such a great sport and is (usually) happy with whatever circumstance he is in.

~ for Josh’s new favorite dish to cook: roasted chicken quarters smothered with onions and peppers. Slow cooked all day, it is just completely delicious!

~ for Walmart grocery pickup, so I can get my groceries in my pajamas in the rain!

~ for an encouraging and productive Gold Network of ETX meeting. Our team is growing and I am SO EXCITED about what we have planned for this year! More details to come soon…

~ for Gavin’s bright, inquisitive mind. He is always asking questions and figuring things out. He found a game with letter tiles and spelled “ supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” I think I corrected 3 letters, otherwise he had gotten it right!

~ for my darling husband who understands me. He barely batted an eye when I told him I needed to drive across town at 9 o’clock at night to pick up a curbside treasure pile I saw listed on Facebook. BIG TIME SCORE! (I knew it would be gone if I waited until morning).

~ for an exciting opportunity for worlds to collide! I found out this week that a local boutique was hosting a Pop up Shop and had chosen to benefit Gold Network! When the shop owner and I realized we had mutual friends, we were thrilled, and she invited Giddyup&Whoa to be a vendor at her sale! So I have another sale to prepare for, AND it will benefit GNET! Is that not AWESOME!!??

~for my sweet dad who CLAIMS to have turned 71 today. I told him he must be counting wrong, because that sure does sound awful old. He agreed.

~ for these past weeks with my girl home. It’s like we suddenly realized just this weekend that she was leaving us again. We soaked up some last minute quality time: watched movies together, made favorite meals, she painted with the Littles, went on a walk. We went out to eat as a family, which we never ever do (I mean seriously, can you blame us?). She chose Posado’s. So over chips and salsa and soft serve ice cream, we laughed and loved on each other. Today we loaded up everything and drove her back to college. I miss her already. I pray for her to remember who she is and Whose she is and that she learns as much about herself as she does in her classes.

~ for the most encouraging worship and testimony mid-week service at church. One after another, people rushed to the stage to share what God was doing in their lives and in their hearts. Testifying of healing. Testifying of His faithfulness. My sweet 8-year-old niece, Kate, got up to share her simple, powerful testimony. “I have celiac disease. When I was in the hospital, Jesus was there. And He told me, “”Don’t be afraid.””

~ for BREAKTHROUGH. Josh and I have been praying through some things, some personal struggles, that have weighed heavily on our hearts. Actually SEVERAL pretty major prayer concerns. And I have to admit we have both been in a place of discouragement. This week…one of them just…BROKE. We were asking for a change, and God did it. Not AT ALL in the way we were expecting or asking for. It was an INTERNAL change instead of EXTERNAL. But that internal heart readjustment was a game changer in every way. The best part was how God used the healing in one area to reignite my faltering hope in the other areas I’ve been praying about. He spoke into my heart that He “will make a way where there is no way.” He reminded me of His goodness and His faithfulness…which of course have been there all along. I can look back and mark testimony after testimony after testimony of Jesus knocking our socks off over the years with answers to prayers that were so far superior to what we asked Him for. So why do I let myself forget that? Why do I whine and fret and impatiently doubt Him when my answer doesn’t come fast enough? I know I have an enemy that’s betting on me to fail, but why don’t I stake my life on the knowledge that My God is on my side, and will never be defeated? Thank You, Father, for the reminder of Your unending Love and unfailing Faithfulness. Even this evening on the way back home from dropping Carson Grace back at school, I was crying silently, wrestling with fear and sadness and anxiety (AGAIN??!!) when I heard soft singing in the seat behind me. Sawyer, buckled in his carseat, just looking out the window, singing to himself, not even knowing he was singing to ME, “Savior, He can move the mountains…my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave…”

I have so much going on right now, if I take the time to list it all, I can guarantee an instant anxiety attack. Not even joking. But God. He is the God of my calendar, of my lists, of my responsibilities. He knows the tiny prayers I don’t even verbalize and the gut wrenching cries of my heart that wake me up in the middle of the night. He is the Provider of my energy and health and courage and grace. And I know it’s not all going to play out perfectly. Some things are going to fall apart, I’m going to forget to do something, and I’ll make a ton of mistakes along the way. But God. If I let Him, He will make beauty out of my messes. And anything that goes right will be BECAUSE OF HIM, and He will get all the glory, AS HE SHOULD!

What are you asking God for? Do you trust Him enough to ASK BIG? Do you trust Him enough to WAIT? Do you trust Him enough to LET GO? I’m sure trying…

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.” (Psalms 18:30-33)

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:19)

“God is with us / God is on our side / He will make a way / Far above all we know, far about all we hope / He has done great things / Lifted up He defeated the grave / raised to life / Our God is able / in His Name we overcome / for the Lord our God is able” (“God is Able,” Hillsong Worship)

Happy “New Day”

I am thankful:

~ for a staggering honor and privilege: I wrote a check from Gold Network of ETX for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! We donated $10,000 to Dr. Ted Laetsch at Children’s Hospital to support his cutting edge research projects for improved cures and therapies for childhood cancer. Dr. Laetsch was on Sawyer’s oncology team, so the donation is even more meaningful. We are so grateful for the funds raised through Tyler Gold Run and and generous donations from the community to help Gold Network do what we do. Our primary focus will remain local family support, but we will always donate toward childhood cancer research in hopes that one day our GNET mission will become obsolete! Until then, we press on. We have exciting new dreams brewing for the upcoming year…more information coming soon!

~ for laid back schedule-free days on break. The kids have painted, baked cookies, learned new tricks on the trampoline, decorated a gingerbread house, and we have made a TINY dent in the HARDEST PUZZLE IN THE WORLD.

~ for a manageably fun-enough New Years. We stayed home. Ate chili. “Nice Mom” showed up and let the kids stay up until 10 and played with sparklers in their pjs. Then mom, dad, and Bigs stayed up to watch the ball drop just to say we did. But it felt really important to me that the first thing we did in 2020 was to pray together as a family. It was simple, sweet, and I will treasure it always.

~ for traditional black eyed peas, buttery roasted cabbage, and steaming hot sweet cornbread on New Year’s Day.

~ for a Starbucks gift card and a Starbucks right around the corner from our house! Bear was glad he rode along, they gave him a “Pup-puccino!!”

~ for a fun overnight sleepover for Gavin to Uncle Justin and Aunt Gina’s. He had the feast of his dreams and had 24 blissful hours as an only child! A trip to Kilgore to explore the East Texas Oil Museum and a mile-high loaded cheeseburger were the perfect fit for our inquisitive boy.

~ for a joyful dream-come-true for dear friends. Before brave 10 year old cancer warrior Luke went to be with Jesus in 2018, his dream was for his beautiful husky Scout to become a therapy dog. This week, that dream came true! Scout went through the rigorous testing to become certified, and PASSED! Now Scout will be able to bring joy and smiles to kids in the hospital and continue sharing Luke’s legacy, bringing glimmers of beauty from the unspeakable pain his mom and dad and brother are walking through. You can read more about Luke and his family’s unshakable faith and generosity here. https://lukestrong.org/

~ for an exciting new venture for G&W: we launched our new website, www.giddyupandwhoa.com! We’ve been praying about this for a while, and decided to make the leap in hopes of growing our business. We also were super blessed with a new connection for old wood. We have had our eye on a large section of damaged fence for months, and this week I worked up the courage to stop by the house and ask for it. I was met by the sweetest gentleman who was delighted to have the fence hauled off, even taking my card for when he tears more of it down! Finds like those are the best!

Josh has created some beautiful new reclaimed wood decor pieces in addition to a fresh batch of signs, so we are ready for a great year! It’s amazing to me that we started this journey by tiptoeing onto social media last year at Thanksgiving. Excited to see where the Lord takes us. We even included a link to Sunday Gratitude on the G&W website. Amazing to see different pieces of our dreams begin to braid together.

~ for the opportunity to reflect on the past decade. I always get a little moony at the turn of the new year…to me it’s just natural to look back and take stock, and that process always proves emotional for me. Looking back not just a year but a decade was pretty staggering. I’ll spare you the in-depth play by play, but 10 years ago we only had 4 children, were going through the process of our first adoption, and Josh was self employed, remodeling and flipping houses. We often look back and say that that was the season we thought we could tie a bow on our picture perfect little family with our beautifully God-ordained adoption story as the crescendo of our testimony. BUT GOD. In the infinite wisdom of our Father, we had no idea what was coming. We never dreamed of car wrecks and ATV wrecks and fostering. Never dreamed Josh and I would go from completely disagreeing about whether or not to grow our family to getting on the same page, only to walk through the heartbreak of losing a baby, then adopt 3 and have 2 more! We would never have imagined cancer. Cancer changed EVERYTHING. I don’t even recognize that family from 10 years ago. But out of the wreckage also came beauty. A front row seat for miracles. For excruciating grace. So many wonderful, life-changing relationships born in and outside the hospital. The Gold Run and Gold Network, opening doors to share hope with people all over. And God has entrusted us with the stewardship of all these remarkable children in our family… gifts that I didn’t even ask for because I couldn’t have dreamed them up… And even if New Year’s resolutions are hokey and empty, I appreciate the crisp, fresh air that comes with the turn of the calendar page, like the warmth of sunrise after a dark night. My Father’s arms are always open. And with renewed passion, I will seek to love Him with more of my heart this year. And serve Him more and myself less. Oh Lord, the cry of my heart is to let go and trust You. So if I WAS going to have a resolution, that would be it. But I think that has to be more of a New Day’s Resolution. EVERY DAY.

Let’s love one another well this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalms 139:23-24)

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.” (Psalms 51:10-12)

Flattened

I am thankful:

~ for one if my favorite Christmas traditions: our trip to Children’s Hospital on Christmas Eve. We load our bus with the most delicious home-cooked spread of food and drive to Dallas, to give smiles and thanks to the dedicated nurses caring for the kids who are too sick to be home for Christmas. Even though it’s been years now, we have promised to never forget those frightening days. Josh at home with 7 kids missing their mama. And 12 month old Sawyer and I in the hospital. We had known we would be in the hospital that Christmas. He was in a particularly harsh phase of his leukemia treatment, and needed close monitoring. But Christmas Eve he had taken a turn for the worse, spiking a high fever, and his nurses watched him like a hawk. I’ll never forget the way they tended to him, and to me all through the night. I remember watching the clock turn midnight, and crying in the dark room lit by a blinking IV pole as I wished my sick baby Merry Christmas. BUT GOD. I couldn’t have done it without those nurses, those angels on this earth. They lay their lives down and are gone from their own families to take care of hurting children, and they do their very best to bring joy into a scary and sad place. I love going back (for a quick trip and not to stay) to tell them Sawyer’s story, and give them a fresh breath of Christ-ordained, thriving, 6 year old, curly-headed HOPE.

~ for a quick, fun visit with Aunt Dinah. Sawyer picked Slims Chicken for lunch, and then she and I visited while I tackled my holiday baking and trashed my kitchen from one end to the other.

~ for beautiful weather to deliver baked goodies to our wonderful neighbors. We are so blessed!

~ for a wonderful, messy, overstimulating, joyful, chaotic, noisy Christmas. For too much delicious food: spicy, cheesy jalapeño crawfish chowder, tart/sweet cherry pie, caramely sweet monkey bread, and chocolate-coffee-salted-caramel birthday cake for Jesus. For Andes mints that make me think of Grandma Grace. And Great Grandma Nelson’s peanut clusters that are now my kids’ favorite. For tums and stretchy pants. For new Christmas jammies for everyone and a new ornament each. For the sweetness of each of us reading Luke 2 verse by verse…and how the powerfully tender words feel more tender and more powerful on Christmas morning. For a second round of too-much-everything and 14 cousins to play with. It was an extra noisy Christmas with robots and transformers and Elsa microphones and walkie talkies and laser tag. I’m also thankful that batteries do not live forever.

~ for the fullness in my heart at having all my children together. I learned when Sawyer got sick that I couldn’t take it for granted. But life moved on, the crisis passed, and I realized that I still did sometimes. But now comes another paradigm shift: they really are growing up. Colton’s living on his own, Carson Grace is 18 and in college. Soon enough they will start having their own families and may not always be around. How I treasure these fleeting moments with all these faces around my table and piled up on my couch.

~ for my husband’s dedication and work ethic. Even after working 65+ hours a week at his “real job,” then building signs and caring for our home in his “spare time,” AND being Dad to 9 kids….he is grinding out his real estate courses, one after another, even amidst the chaos of our home environment. So proud of him. Even squeezed in a much needed date with him this week!

~for the signature throaty growl of my daughter’s hauntingly beautiful voice and her guitar coming from her bedroom. Oh, how I’ve missed her and that sound.

~ for 4 little and not-so-little girls that still let me dress them alike. Aren’t they beautiful?

~ for the fresh grace to keep going even when it’s hard. Tatum K, while just as cute as she can be, continues to challenge us daily with her fiery temperament. Her latest challenge is NOT SLEEPING. She is taking hours to settle down to sleep, most of that spent screaming violently at the top of her lungs, anything from “I want my MAAAAAMAAAAA!” to “I want PIZZZZZZAAAAAAA!” to “Tickle my BAAAAACKKKKK!!!!” And then sometimes she is waking up and doing it all again for hours in the middle of the night. Makes for a tired mama, especially after days on end.

~ for days when I wake up to sweet artwork left beside my bed. Parenting this many children usually feels a lot like whack-a-mole, and there is many a night that I go to bed feeling like a very defeated worst-and-meanest-mama-in-the-whole-wide-world. But by some stretch of miracle, my kids don’t seem to think so! Thank You Father for the NEW MERCIES EVERY MORNING!

It’s that groggy limbo week between Christmas and New Years. Everyone I talk to seems drained and wiped out and nobody is sure what day it is. I find myself with a little bit of the blues…flattened by the steamroller of the packed schedule over the past few weeks. And emotionally flattened as well. Just a lot going on in my heart these days. Anybody else feel flattened? (FLATTENED, not FATTENED. Although that certainly feels applicable as well…)

My weary heart dragged me to the church this morning. Physically and spiritually drained and exhausted, I couldn’t even make my voice form the words of the songs. So I just sank to my knees and let the worship and the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit wash over me.

“Worthy of every song we could ever sing

Worthy of all the praise we could ever bring

Worthy of every breath we could ever breathe

We live for you. We live for you…”

The words and the percussion pounded into my chest, beating the melody into my heart as I sang and prayed and worshipped and wept.

“I will build my life upon Your Love

It is a firm foundation.

I will put my trust in You alone

And I will not be shaken.”

Lord, I’ve seen You do miracles with my own eyes. I KNOW and I BELIEVE that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU. Help me to trust in You: that You are WORKING, that You are PRESENT, and that You are SOVEREIGN. Remind me that You care about the needs I bring to you. Line up my desires with Yours so that I want what You want for me instead of what I want for me. Help me to remember TRUTH when my circumstances try to trip me up. Help me unclench my fists and my feeble attempts to take control. Renew in me a deep love for Your WORD. Fill me with Your LOVE so I can pour it out.

Give me endurance for the race You have set before me. It is the race You made me for.

Don’t lose heart. He is FOR YOU. Let’s love one another well this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalms 42:1-5)

“For with God nothing will be impossible.” Then Mary said, “Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.” (Luke 1:37-38)