Gearing up for Gold

I am thankful:

~ for a mostly successful first week back to school. We are working on our rhythm of drop off and pickup and homework and reading and folders and lunches and snacks and water bottles.

~for the moments when I miss my kids. Because it helps me in the other moments when I decidedly DO NOT MISS THEM, not to feel quite as much like a wretched troll mother.

~ for my bestest little helper while the brothers and sisters are at school. I don’t know how I’d get anything done without her! Many have asked if the house is so quiet with the kids gone…it MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT! When it gets quiet, that’s when I KNOW THERE’S TROUBLE! Hurricane Tatum keeps life interesting for sure.

~ for Bear. He is just a big fluffball of slobber and love. We love our muppet dog.

~ for God providing some long-awaited little windows of time with a sweet friend. Life-giving friendships are so refreshing!

~ for a mouthwatering FD’s burger with barbecue ranch sauce and sweet candied bacon. I couldn’t stop thinking about one, and finally gave in.

~ for a fun night hosting Youth Group Back-to-School Swim Bash. They are a spirited bunch, and they can put down some hot dogs and some cookies! We haven’t done much hosting over the last few years, and it was good to open up our home.

~ for those rare moments when I get it right with the kids. When I say “yes” instead of an automatic “no.” When I put down what I’m doing to look at a salamander. Or watch a giggly talent show. When I let them chop the tomatoes and mess up the entire kitchen when it would have been so much easier to do it myself. When I correct the tone of my voice BEFORE it comes out of my mouth. I usually get it wrong. My patience is short and my fuse is shorter. But then I look at Carson Grace’s empty bedroom. Unnaturally clean. I don’t have to tell her to pick it up or turn her music down, but I also don’t get to kiss her goodnight. For better or for worse, this season of Littles and chaos and bickering and smudgy windows and everybody-always-needs-mama WON’T LAST. I’ve got to stop bemoaning the hard, stop being frustrated with the season, stop wishing it away. Lord, let me slow down my heart and my hands so I don’t miss these moments that I won’t ever get back.

~ for grace amidst the madness. August/September is crazy season at our house. Between back to school, Go Gold Tyler, and Tyler Gold Run, the pace and the to-do list are RELENTLESS.And if I’m honest, which I am trying so hard to be, I feel like I live in a constant state of teetering between EXploding or IMploding. But God. He meets me right where I am. He gives me the grace to apologize to my kids when I lose my patience for the 82nd time. Or apologize to my husband when I am LESS THAN GRACIOUS to him. God braids the right people into my path at just the right moment to encourage me when I think I can’t do one more thing. He gives me the courage to do what I’m afraid of, and the courage to say no when it’s too much. He has lit the fire in my precious children who steadfastly love me so well and who are each so passionate about all things GOLD.

I am so excited for Go Gold Tyler coming up this Thursday. We are in full on Gold Mode at Casa Rucker. Phone calls, printing photos, video editing, social media posts, building and painting, even a spontaneous last minute news interview!

It’s busy, and completely overwhelming, but it’s good. We’ve gotten in contact with many more families this year, and the “Network” is WORKING! Our goal when we started Gold Network of East Texas was to offer hope and encouragement to Childhood Cancer families, and to connect them with each other. And that is happening! Families are meeting, reaching out to one another, and inviting new families to our events. In 2015, we had met around 9 families. This year we have pictures of 58 children! Staggering. Of course I hate it. I hate that all these kids have had cancer. I hate that we have to have one entire display of kids who have gone to be with Jesus instead of growing up. I hate that I met 12 new-to-us families JUST THIS YEAR, and we all have the worst thing in common. But as long as kids get cancer and as long as families need support, we are going to ask God to continue to give us the grace to come alongside them. If you’re local, join us Thursday night. Go GOLD Tyler is such a special evening, and these incredible children and their families will change your lives forever. And a reminder of the Gold Network online auction. We still need an opening bidder! Click here.

I wanted to share updates from Harold’s family and a message from Lucas’s mom.

“I want to thank everyone who has been apart of our journey whether personally involved or just reading along these entries. Thank you for praying along us and rooting for Lucas’ well being. We needed that support both then and now. We are truly grateful. Do us a favor and enjoy the small stuff. Give your loved ones an extra hug. Smile at a stranger. You don’t truly know what another person is living through so be kind. And if you see a Dino randomly, maybe it’s Lucas saying hi. We’ve had lots of sightings lately. Love you all 🧡🦕🦖” (Kelly, Lucas’ Mom)

I will never be able to fully express how grateful I am for you, the Sunday Gratitude community. So often I feel like I’m writing for no reason, no purpose, and wonder who in the world cares a single bit about what I write about each week. And then one of you will post a comment. Or stop me in the pickup line at school and say that you were encouraged. Y’all bless me and encourage me more than I can ever explain. Thank you for loving me, for loving Sawyer, for loving our family, and for choosing to follow along.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Psalm 23:1-6

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” Galatians 6:9

Back to School Daze

I am thankful:

~ to be DONE BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. It only took me 3,647,447,262 trips to 78,226 stores to get what everyone needed.

~ for our wonderful, kind teachers at Grace Community School, and how thrilled each of the children are with the classroom they were placed in. I love the aroma of eagerness and hope at the beginning of the school year. There is just so much promise: new friends, new skills, new adventures. There are few things that thrill my kids more than strapping on a brand spankin’ new pair of tennis shoes and a 86 pound bulging backpack to go see friends they have missed all summer and meet their teachers.

~ for a good first day of school. Everyone popped out of bed with a grin, gobbled up fresh baked banana muffins for breakfast, and doodled up in their favorite outfit to start off their new year. (I may have chosen Sawyer’s shirt…) We read our morning devotional, like always, and prayed over our day and our family and our teachers, like always. Josh headed off to take Cooper to his first day of high school while I walked into the elementary school with 6 of my babies. And walked out with just one. I’m infinitely grateful for a school filled with people who love Jesus and love our family, and who give a whole lot of grace to this mama who has a very hard time letting go. But God.

~ and as if that were not enough, Wednesday was the day to drive Carson Grace back to ETBU, this time for good. Tatum K and I made the drive with her, and when we arrived, the dorm was HOPPING! When we moved her into her dorm before her mini-mester 2 weeks ago, there were just a handful of students on campus. But this week was Tiger Camp, ETBU’s Freshman Welcome Week. All of Carson Grace’s suite-mates were there, and it was great to meet them and their parents. I can already tell they are a really special group. We did the few last updates to her room, went on a quick grocery run, and a hurried Subway lunch, as I had to rush back to Tyler in time to pick up Littles from school. This meant I didn’t get to participate in the parent part of Tiger Camp, attending the first Chapel service of the year with Carson Grace. But I know God’s timing is better than mine, and I trust that it was best for me to get on the road when I did. Oh, it was so hard to drive away. I could tell though, that she was excited and ready. Much more so than the first time we dropped her off, all alone in the dorm. This time her room and the campus were already familiar, and she was surrounded by classmates ready to dive in right beside her. Hard hard for Mama, not so much for my girl. And that’s how it’s supposed to be, praise God.

She has sent lots of pictures since Wednesday: scavenger hunts, team challenges, and community service projects. She’s making lots of friends and looks like she’s loving it. She and her camp group went to a local church this morning together, and classes start bright and early in the morning. Proud of her. But I sure do miss my girl. I’ve spent a lot of time in her room this week, thinking about her, praying for her. (I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying….)

~ for traditions. If you know me, you know I’m big on traditions. Every year on the first day of school, we go to our very favorite snow cone shack in Tyler, Shivers. Tatum K shared her piña colada snow cone with me…she loved her “pink-alada”!

~ for kind friends. Thoughtful friends. For old and new friends. For truth-telling-even-when-it-hurts friends. For tried-and-true, gone-through-the-ringer, here-for-the-mountains-and-the-valleys friends.

~ for steady Giddy up & Whoa work. I truly love to paint, and our little home business is such a blessing to our family. And I needed the diversion. Thursday was even harder than Wednesday with the kids gone. On the first day, taking Carson Grace to Marshall took the whole day. I was too busy to think about anything. (WHICH WAS MERCY). Thursday was a different story. It was a different kind of quiet. Not a TRUE quiet, because Tatum K is a wild little fireball and a constant chatterbox. I know this year will be a sweet time with just my Tater Tot at home. But for now, the empty house is echoey. Too much space. As much as my Tribe drives me crazy and I’m always exhausted with their questions and their squabbles and their needs…they are MY PEOPLE. And I miss them when they’re gone. So anyway, it was a blessing to have 5 sign orders that needed my attention during Tatum’s naptime. And I’m pleased to say I got them all done!

~ for a good evening and meal with Colton. The Littles were thrilled to swim with him and climb all over him. Always good to spend some time with my boy.

~ for a nice start to our Gold Network Toy Drive for the prize closet at Children’s Hospital. A group of sweet ladies all went out and purchased nearly 100 toys and donated them in honor of one of their friend’s birthdays! What a great idea! Last year we donated more than 1400 toys to Children’s. We are collecting toys through the month of September.

~ for excitement brewing over all our upcoming Gold Network events. August 29 is Go Gold Tyler, our annual Childhood Cancer Awareness night on the Tyler Downtown Square. I’ve been reaching out to our cancer families and have been thrilled by the overwhelmingly positive response! It is so special to have all these Hero families together. And then Tyler Gold Run is coming up September 21. For our big 5 year celebration (how can it be 5 years!?) we are thrilled to have added a 10k route and moved to a new, larger park. I am always amazed at how our friends and family and the community rise up in support of all these brave kids and their families. Please consider being a part of these special events, or donating toward the cause.

~and this is just INCREDIBLE! One of our Hero families has a cousin who is an amazing artist. She created an original watercolor painting and has DONATED IT FOR AUCTION TO GOLD NETWORK!!! This priceless painting takes my breath away. Please check out the auction and bid or donate if you feel led. The auction is open until August 29. Click here for details.

~for good baseball memories with my Love. Josh is one of the biggest Texas Rangers fans that has ever lived, and he has passed this passion on to his family. I learned early in our marriage that if I was going to have any quality time with my husband from April until October, I needed to learn to speak baseball. So I asked a few questions, and it was his greatest delight to teach me the ins and the outs of the game. So this week, it was very special to glue ourselves to the TV screen to watch a momentous milestone for our all time favorite player, Josh Hamilton, as he was inducted into the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. Josh is one of the greatest talents to have ever played the game, but we love him because of his story. He has battled drug and alcohol addiction for his entire career, and although he found salvation in Jesus Christ, he has continued to fall back into those self-destructive patterns. But seeing him back on the field, hugging his old teammates, and hearing his bold and honest speech that gave all glory to the God who continued/continues to love him in the midst of his failures….we cried our eyes out. It. Was. Awesome. He closed his 14 minute speech with these words of encouragement for when we get knocked down, “Don’t you dare stay down. The God of the universe sent His Son to die so that we have the right to GET BACK UP IN JESUS!”

Our friend Harold needs your prayers. He was allowed to go home from the hospital Wednesday, only to have hydrocephalus symptoms return Thursday, causing his parents to rush Harold back to Dallas for his FIFTH surgery. Please pray for healing and wisdom for the team of doctors treating him. And for grace and strength for his precious family. Thank you for continuing to lift up the parents and family of sweet Lucas, who went to heaven last week. Someone I love is recovering from a dreadful injury, and 3 family members are battling cancer. So many people hurting. Oh how I hate cancer. Jesus come….

Friends, life is hard. It is hard and good and beautiful and horrible and excruciating and glorious. Live well. Love large. Give freely. Forgive. See people. Pray for one another. Share Jesus.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” John 13:34-35

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV

Sanctification

I am thankful:

~ for creative get-out-of-bed excuses. “Ma-a-a-ma, I need to ask you something? Do chickens fly?”

~for Giddyup & Whoa orders that come right on time. Every single order is a blessing of provision.

~for decadent French toast with orange zest and a crispy crust of cinnamon sugar. I had a new recipe, and it was a resounding hit with the Tribe.

~for the tender hearts of my children. We did not tell them about the senseless tragedies of last weekend. But they are incredibly observant and quickly noticed all the flags lowered to half-staff. When I briefly told them what had happened, they were aghast and IMMEDIATELY asked if we could pray aloud together in the car. First they prayed for the grieving families of the victims, and then began to pray that God would touch the hearts of the shooters, “that they would come to know You Lord, and that they would be sorry for what they have done.”

~for such a special surprise: my sweet friend Meredith blessed Sawyer with one of her impeccably hand-sewn minky puppies! Check out the gold childhood cancer ribbon! If you haven’t checked out My Minky Co, you need to! Thank you Meredith!

~for back-to-school shopping. It’s hard for me to say I’m thankful for this. Not gonna lie. School supplies, shoes, and clothes for six in school is no joke. Just the magnitude this year’s number is intimidating, but sometimes brave is what you are when you don’t have a choice. We tackled the stores as a wild and boisterous unit. My kids opened every shoebox in every store. They showed me every pencil that was ever made. They were pretty good about not “asking” (they had been severely warned) but instead they just exclaimed over and over, “look at this one Mama! Isn’t this one cute? Isn’t this one sweet? This one is awesome! I love this!” I had warned them, don’t ask for everything you see. However, I had forgotten to specify, “don’t show me and describe every detail of everything you see.” School starts Wednesday…I’d estimate that I am 68% done with the supply shopping. And that I am 143% READY to be done. It’s not that I want my kiddos out of the house, it’s just the progression of the season. They are all ready to be done at home and back to their friends. Instinctively they crave the structure and margin of the school setting, even if the appreciation won’t stay with them long.

~for grace for new seasons. I don’t think I can express to you how different my life is going to be with Carson Grace gone to college. She’s my babysitter. My ONLY babysitter. And I have become accustomed to running my errands by myself. I just don’t take my people into stores. I just don’t. A couple of my children have literally been in a store, ANY store, like three times in their lives. It’s just one of those things, that if I didn’t have to go with an entourage, I didn’t. Well now, that luxury is over for the most part. Six little people at the grocery store. Six little people shopping for shoes. Six little people in the return line at Walmart. It’s just a different season. But you know what… WE SURVIVED! I’m not trying to say it was relaxing and poetic and my favorite way to spend my time. But nobody backflipped off the shelves, and I didn’t lose any of them. So I’m going to call it a win. I think I’m going to be getting a lot of use out of my “big girl panties” this year.

~thankful to have my girl back, even if it’s only briefly. Carson Grace finished up her mini-mester class at ETBU, and I drove with the Tribe to pick her up on Friday. Everyone was thrilled to see her, and excited to get to check out her new room at the dorm. She goes back for real on Wednesday. I’m thankful for the Lord’s kindness to allow us to have a more gradual “letting go.”

She even sent me a “First Day of School” picture!

~for a fun night at Meet the Cougars. At this yearly fall school event, each high school athletic team is highlighted to get people hyped for the school year. Very excited to see Cooper’s #19 jersey come out of the football tunnel. He’s so excited about his freshman year. Can’t wait to watch him play!

~for Sawyer’s fun time at his Kindergarten picnic. He got to see old friends and meet some new ones, and went on a scavenger hunt on the school playground. So proud of my brave boy and how excited he is for kindergarten. Here come the tears again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him every day. He just makes life so bright. I hope I never outgrow the utter awe I feel when I look at him, knowing all he has overcome.

~for God’s Word spoken straight to the heart. Sometimes it just pierces in such a powerful way. The message this morning was on sanctification. Being redeemed, made holy, and set apart. Brother Alvin, our dear friend and visiting missionary from Honduras, referenced offering someone a cup of water in a filthy glass. I long to be set apart for God. Sanctified by His blood so that He can use me for His purposes. But how often I come as a dirty vessel. With unforgiveness. With my own agenda. With short-sighted expectations of my Father’s ability. I long to set an example for my children of being set apart. Called higher. Called to be in the world but not of it. To love with the sacrificial supernatural love of Christ. How much more useful we are when we do it God‘s way. And what a stumbling block we are when we insist on our own way. The message hit me right between the eyes today. Lord, cleanse me and sanctify me as a vessel of honor.

Friends, sweet Lucas went to be with Jesus yesterday. Now he is whole and healed and forever free from cancer. And now his family is broken-hearted to have to live without him. His suffering is over, and theirs has intensified. Please, please pray. Our lives will go on…theirs will never EVER be the same again. And while they do have the blessed assurance that they will see their boy again one day, today…today there is unspeakable pain.

Love one another well. Hold tight to your people and don’t skip the extra story and the 14th snuggle. Forgive when you don’t think you should have to, and give more than you think is necessary. Life is a vapor. You won’t regret it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 20:7

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.” John 17:15-19

Letting Go

I am thankful:

~ for the beginning of football season. Is it really the beginning of football season already? Well, Cooper started two-a-days this week, so that meant we were up before the sun. And even though I was in a coma as I drove him, I still appreciated taking in the glorious sunrise. And I love seeing Cooper with a goal in mind. That kid loves him some football!

~for a great time at the Football Moms’ Clinic. It’s a special time for moms to learn a little more about the game and focus on our boys. To sit at their football locker and pray over the upcoming season. To share a meal with other football moms and our sons. It’s always such a sentimental night for me. I attended my first Moms’ Clinic 6 years ago when Colton was a freshman, with Sawyer in my belly. I missed the next year because Sawyer and I were in the hospital, in the critical early stages of his chemotherapy treatment, and the coaches and moms were so kind to us with notes of encouragement. The next 2 years attending with Colton were super special, and now I’ve had a couple years off with no high school football player. So to sit beside my Cooper, who gets taller and more handsome daily, as he starts his freshman year of football, I couldn’t be more proud and thankful.

~ for the opportunity to give blood in honor of an amazing warrior boy. Luke’s birthday was Wednesday, but this year he celebrated it in heaven with Jesus. His family chose to celebrate his life and his memory by encouraging people to donate the gift of life. You may have heard that there is a nationwide blood shortage. Kids with cancer require frequent blood transfusions throughout treatment. Sawyer had dozens. So I was thankful for the opportunity to participate and tell the techs about Luke and about Sawyer. If you can, GO DONATE BLOOD!

~ for a fun, albeit way too short, visit from Uncle Mike and Cousin Kenedy. We got some great snuggles and lots and lots of giggles. My favorite was hearing Kenedy ask for “Clipper” (Cooper).

~ for those rare moments when God allows us to see purpose past our pain. So often we cling to what we want, not knowing He has something far greater. Sometimes we have to let go of what WE THINK we need so that we can receive His BEST!

~for the most amazing honor! Our friends from Minnesota, the Franz’s, shared amazing news. Their 10 year old son, Andrew, participated in the Pinky Swear Foundation Triathlon for childhood cancer, IN SAWYER’S HONOR! Andrew completed a 100 yard swim, 3 mile bike course, and a half mile run. We hope he heard us cheering for him all the way from Texas!

~ for a happy happy birthday for our sweet Zoe Girl. I still can’t wrap my mind around how much our little Brown-eyed girl has grown up. I remember meeting her: 18 months old, bitsy tiny, big watering wide eyes, and absolutely SILENT. She refused to be put down, and Carson Grace carried her so much she wore a sore on her hip. Today Zoe is bubbling with life, dancing and singing everywhere she goes. She is a silly goose and loves to use her imagination. She loved her waffles with sprinkles and whipped cream for breakfast and chose red velvet cupcakes for her cake. Happy birthday ZoZo!

~ for a (hopefully) win-win-win-win situation. We had friends who needed to find homes for some kittens. We had another friend who had been wanting a guinea pig. Our kids really wanted a kitten. Our Dad was anti-kitten, but EXTREMELY in favor of parting with our guinea pig. So much so, that he was willing to acquiesce to a kitten if it meant re-homing the pig. So bottom line, we traded a pig for a kitten. Meet Miss Stella. Bear is PASSIONATELY EXCITED about his new “sister.”

Last night, we were in battle mode. Last minute list checking and Walmart runs. Pack? Keep? Memory box? Toss? We watched Carson Grace’s eternal tornado of a bedroom slowly transform into a stack of boxes and bags and suitcases. Saying goodnight was different. I knew it wasn’t going to be her last night to sleep in her room. But it’s not ever going to be the same. Most likely, whenever she comes back, it will be for a visit. Not to stay. She’ll always have a home to come back to here, but she really may move on and move out for good instead of ever coming back here to stay. Ever my daughter, she was highly sentimental, and we shared lots of tears and sweet words with one another before we settled to bed. I will always treasure those moments with my girl. Today was our hard day. We knew it was coming, and we have worked hard to get ready for this point. Josh and I drove Carson Grace to Marshall and got her all set up in her new dorm room. We rearranged the furniture and mounted her built-to-order Giddyup & Whoa sign over her bed.

We hung her clothes and arranged her mountains of shoes. We set up her coffee bar and had a coffee-making lesson. It turned out absolutely darling, and she loves her personal little oasis.

If this week seems early to start college, it is. Carson Grace starts her 1 week mini-mester class in the morning, and then she’ll be home one more weekend before school starts for real. We are so happy for her, and so proud. We feel great about the environment she’s going to be in, and we know that she never belonged to us, but to God. But I gotta tell you. In spite of all those healthy, grounded, mature FACTS THAT WE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY BELIEVE…all that goes out the window when you drive away from the building where you just left your baby girl by herself. Did we teach her enough? Is she going to make good friends? Is she going to work hard? Is she going to be lonely? We did the best we could the last 18 years, and we made a ton of mistakes along the way. But it’s time to let go and release her with our blessing. And now it’s her turn. To chose. To stand. And I know God’s got her, like He always has, and that she’ll be ok through the good choices and the bad, the sweet times and the heartbreaks. I really do know she’s gonna be ok. I do. But tonight….tonight my house is a little too quiet without the sweet whisper of a ukulele and my favorite voice coming from the door at the end of my kitchen. And my heart feels like a big chunk is gone. Tonight I’m giving myself permission to be sad and miss my girl.

Please continue your faithful prayers for our dear friends Harold and Lucas and their families. God is, and always will be, bigger than cancer. Bigger that anything we fear. Bigger than than anything we face.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24, 26

Home Sweet Home

I am thankful:

~to be HOME! We had such a wonderful trip to the North, and made so many incredible memories, but there is truly NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

~to be out of the car!!!!!! Mercy, 40+ hours is a loooooong time! It was a long drive to Kansas City and then on to Winona, MN over two days. Then we spent a minimum of an hour each day in the car visiting various family members or attractions. 3 hours further North to the cabin in Wisconsin. And then, after such a tiring, jam-packed week of activities, the drive home was TORTURE. It seemed like we would never get to Texas, and once we did, the miles just went on forever. So thankful to be back to our home, our bed, our pets, and our coffee pot!

~for both old and new memories. I truly can’t put into words how meaningful it was for me to revisit places from my early life, and especially to do so with the people I love the most. To show my kids where I went to elementary school and high school. They have seen the pictures of their mama with big 80’s hair as a cheerleader, so it actually meant something to them. It meant something to Josh to see the beautiful surroundings of Decorah, Iowa where I went to college, the dorm where I met my friend Katie. Especially with our own daughter leaving for college soon. (Their running joke all week was that I had rebelled from an Amish heritage and gone to Corn College.) I showed them the treacherous winding gravel road that I rode my bicycle down to Grandma Grace’s house, road with them in the fields where I first learned to drive my Grandpa’s antique tractor, and introduced them to the delicacy of fresh and deep fried CHEESE CURDS! Many of these places also hold memories that are not at all sweet and warm. But to walk the old paths, now as an adult, and to see through the eyes of a new creation in Christ, AND to do it with my family…it was emotional and healing and beautiful. Josh and I even recreated a picture we had taken the first time I brought him to Minnesota to meet my family, 21 years ago. My how we have changed – I scarcely recognize those kids. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

~ for priceless connections with the kids with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great grandparents.

~ for Chick-Fil-A!!! Oh how we missed you! We hit Sulphur Springs on the way home just in time for dinner, and the car erupted in cheers when we pulled up! Tatum K was SO DONE with the car at that point, but she perked up for chicken and french fries!

~ for the best neighbors on the planet. Our sweet friends across the street lovingly tended to our menagerie all week: 2 dogs, cat, guinea pig, and tank of lake fish. Another friend mowed our yard just because. Another maintained our pool so that it was clear and sparkling when we returned. This weekend, Josh was working on a faulty sprinkler in the yard and a neighbor came over with a shovel and spare parts and jumped right in to help! What a blessing to live side by side with such caring folks.

~ for new Dekalb Heublein Seeds hats for all! The kids hardly ever take them off. I took a picture to show my dad, and Sawyer insisted that I take one of him “wif this fing in my mouf, like a REAL FARMER.”

~ for unexpected, unbelievable generosity.

~ for the eager, loving hearts of my kids. “Mom! Come look! There is a beautiful Heavenly Glory outside! Come take a picture!” They are faithful and dedicated prayer warriors for any need, from a tummy ache to cancer. They love to help and cook and they give tremendous foot rubs. And they worship Jesus at the top of their lungs! Our trip served as a powerful reminder of how very special and unique and loving they are.

~ for reaching Sawyer’s 5 year “Cancerversary.” If you follow my Facebook or Instagram, you already read my post on July 23. If not, here you go:

“Cancerversary. So much has become hinged on this day. BC – Before Cancer. AD – After Diagnosis. 5 years ago life as we knew it ended. “Your baby has cancer.” The words fell into the hushed ER room, and time stopped. From that moment on, every single day was lived knowing it could quite literally be the last. I stopped making plans. I lived in a strained tension between the faith I clung to and the grim reality that slapped me in the face every time I walked the halls of the Oncology floor. Fast forward through 3 years of blood transfusions and spinal taps, bone marrow biopsies and adult chemotherapy, of administering shots in our bathroom and my baby taking his first steps in a blow up pool at the hospital. Port placement. Port removal. A near fatal drug overdose/reaction. 2 Christmases in the hospital. Dozens of ER visits and hundreds of trips from Tyler to Dallas. But also relationships built, lives changed, prayers answered. A front row seat to see the Body of Christ rising up and meeting the needs of the broken. We’ve clung to each other and clung to Him for every breath. And God has shown off. His Glory has surrounded us, overwhelmed us, overshadowed us. And today Sawyer is beautiful and bright and strong and healthy. If you didn’t know, you’d never dream he had fought this battle his whole little life. He is proud of his scar on his chest, announcing, “I don’t need a port anymore. Jesus healed-ed me, and NO MORE CANCER!” The doctors said he would experience developmental delays. But God. The doctors gave him 24 hours to live. But God. BUT GOD!!!!”

The end of summer countdown has begun. 2.5 weeks until Littles go back to school. Which means 2.5 weeks until Sawyer will go to school EVERY DAY (as opposed to MWF last year). He’s so excited, so ready. I wish it wasn’t so hard for me to let him go. I’m so proud of him, and so thankful to God for allowing him to grow up to be so healthy and bright. He is truly a warrior, an overcomer. Lord, help me to trust You with his life today the way I did when he was a frail, sick baby. Help me to be as brave as Sawyer.

Brave indeed. Next Sunday we will load up and move Carson Grace to Marshall to start her journey at East Texas Baptist University. She is going early to take a week-long mini-mester as a part of her Music Major requirements. My heart isn’t ready to let her go either. I have cried about every 7 minutes all week. I know it’s time, I know she’s ready, and I’m so proud. But she’s my baby girl. Lord, help me to remember that she is Yours, not mine.

Please continue your prayers for sweet Lucas and his family.

And I’m sad to share ANOTHER new diagnosis in East Texas, 3 year old Harold, with an aggressive malignant brain tumor. Little Harold has already endured 2 brain surgeries this month, with a 3rd expected this week. Please lift these precious families to the Lord, for healing and for comfort in the midst of their worst nightmare.

Hug tightly the ones you love. Life can change in an instant. You are faithful Lord, and You are good.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:1-8

Cheese Balls

I am thankful:

~for the sweet, sweet time reading to my kids. We have so been enjoying the little Laura Ingalls Wilder series. We just finally finished “On the Banks of Plum Creek.” And already as we began the next book, “By the Shores of Silver Lake,” I love how engaged the children are with the characters. They gasped to learn of Mary’s blindness caused by scarlet fever. And we all cried together when Jack, the beloved bulldog, died.

~for our morning walk/stroll/bike ride. 2 miles every morning. I think we are the neighborhood entertainment.

~for those moments when my kids inspire me. Sweet 11-year-old Samantha has the most amazing hair you can imagine. Thick and lustrous, healthy and long. She has been growing it out for a long, long time with a very specific goal in mind. She knew she wanted to donate her hair to Locks of Love. I’m always amazed at how each of the children have been impacted by Sawyer‘s battle with cancer. Their hearts are just so compassionate. So we’ve been measuring Samantha‘s hair, waiting for it to get long enough to still leave her with a cute haircut. I asked her over and over if she was sure, and she never wavered. When we finally agreed that it was long enough she told me, “Mama, I prayed over my hair in the shower. That it would be a blessing to whoever it goes to.“ My heart exploded. She is donating six 12 inch ponytails! Isn’t she just so beautiful? And even more beautiful on the inside. It’s like instantly she just grew up before my eyes. So proud of your heart Sam!

~for God’s Grace that is always right on time. I can cry out in my moment of need, and He’s there with me. Anxiety has been big and ugly this week, and it doesn’t play nice. But prayer warriors lifted my arms when I could not, armed me with Scripture, and the Lord fought for me. I don’t say this because I feel victorious or that I mastered my anxieties. On the contrary. I feel like a whooped dog. But I know those are just my feelings. I made it through each battle, and anxiety didn’t win. And I’m stronger and cling more tightly to the Lord because of it.

~ for ice cold, juicy watermelon. Can there be ANYTHING more refreshing on a hot Texas day?

~ and for homemade dill pickles, straight from our garden. Cooper liked them so much, he followed my recipe and made his own batch! DELICIOUS!

~for the beautiful and undeniable presence of God when we have eyes to see. Last week, a friend shared a Scripture that she had been meditating on, and she knew it would encourage me. She had no idea it was the Scripture I was painting for my latest Giddyup & Whoa sign order. And the friend who had ordered that sign had been praying this same scripture over herself and a coworker. This verse has been referenced to me again at least twice THIS week. An accident? I don’t believe it for a second. I believe in the alive and active and proceeding Word of God that speaks to us through the Bible and through his people. And when He repeats Himself, that means He’s making an important point that He doesn’t want us to miss. I’m hearing Him loud and clear.

~for a fresh haircut. I honestly don’t think I’ve had a haircut since last September, so to say it was long overdue is an understatement. I can’t be the only one who feels like a new person when they get their haircut? Anyway, thank you Laura! You made my day so happy!

~ for the wonderful team that supports Gold Network of East Texas. We met at Panera for a meal (and a decadent cinnamon roll) to hash out plans and goals for the upcoming events this fall: Go GOLD Tyler (August 29) and Tyler Gold Run (September 21). I am blessed with the absolute best team. This is our 5 year anniversary of the race (how can that be?) and we are so excited about our new location at Bergfeld Park and the addition of a 10K route. It’s gonna be so great! Register for the race or make a donation at www.tylergoldrun.com We are so sad each time we learn of another East Texas child diagnosed with cancer. But we also know we can help!

~ for the privilege to pray for our friends when they need it. Will you please join me in lifting up Baby Lucas and his family? Their battle has been intense and wearying, and they need us to intercede for them. He has scans on the 18th, and we are asking for a miracle. You can sign up for updates on Lucas or drop a note of encouragement to his family on Caringbridge.

~ and lastly, I’m thankful for CHEESE BALLS!

At the Rucker household, the giant Sam’s Club barrel of cheese balls is only purchased one time a year, and their presence can ONLY MEAN ONE THING.

CHEESE BALLS = VACATION!

(Strange? Maybe so. But it’s been our family tradition for at least 6 years). There is nothing like the collective jubilant cheers that erupt when the cheese balls make their appearance. We even found them last summer in Hawaii!

It suddenly dawned on me what a milestone this is for us. This is our first trip since Sawyer’s cancer diagnosis in 2015 that HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CANCER! We have made 2 trips to Florida for wonderful cancer retreats at the beach, and then last year was Sawyer’s unforgettable Make-a-Wish trip to Hawaii. But this trip, this is just a trip for our family. A regular family vacation. What a gift.

So I’m going to sign off for now, we are hunkered down for the night, and another big travel day tomorrow. But I’ll leave you with just one little hint until the full update next week….

Have a great week friends. Let’s love one another well. Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,”. Hebrews 10:23-24

“be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,” Ephesians 5:18b-20

Faith Over Fever

I am thankful:

~ for a wonderful slumber party for Samantha and Kora in Carthage with Aunt Gina and Uncle Justin. The girls had the best time helping with meal prep and their lifelong dream came true: the opportunity to EACH choose ANY KIND OF BREAKFAST CEREAL THEY WANTED FROM THE GROCERY STORE. It was a thrilling moment for my girls. Even though they were sad to miss a visit with Grandmommy, who was off on a getaway, they were tickled that she left them a surprise “goodie” at her house. And they took the short drive over to Marshall to get to see where Big Sister Carson Grace will be attending college this fall, and then had several other fun adventures. Such a special outing for my sweet girls.

~ for reminders from the mouths of babes. Driving down the road, I was alone with Tatum K, and I let myself vent aloud (LOUDLY) about a frustration for a moment. Tatum asked me, “Mama too mad?” And I said, “yes baby, Mama is mad.” And she replied immediately, “No Mama! Mama too happy!” Sweet little encourager.

~ for the great blessing and answered prayer of a busy season for Giddyup & Whoa! I am still painting daily, and currently have NINE pieces either completed or nearly so. So very thankful for the support of our little business!

~ for an afternoon outside on the patio with my coffee and the cool breeze from a summer rain.

~ for my hard-working, wonderful husband. He is putting long hours in at work these days, more than 70 hours this week and 12 days straight. And then he comes home and does whatever needs done. The kids and I do our best to see to it that the house is shipshape and a welcoming, restful place for him to come home to. But even when he’s not at work, he’s helping, cleaning, fixing…anything that needs done for us or anyone else. Josh ALWAYS does more than he HAS to do. And he rarely, if ever complains. I love the example that he lives out for his children. So I was thrilled that Saturday (FINALLY a day off) once he was done with his yard work, and I had gotten Littles down for naps, he grabbed my hand and said, “grab our coffee and come float in the pool with me!” And we did just that. The bigger kids were forbidden from coming outside, we cranked up our 80’s/90’s rock station, and we floated on our hot pink rafts. It was perfection. I love that we are still crazy about each other, no matter what life has thrown at us along the way. And I love that some of our best times together can literally be at home doing nothing.

~ for Cooper, who left today for his week at Pine Cove Camp. He was thrilled to have the opportunity to go, and I know it will likely be the very best week of his summer. Praying for him to have a blast with his friends, and that he would receive all that the Lord has prepared for him while he is there. Sure gonna miss him this week.

Even as I actively choose joy and count my blessings, I’m ready to leave this week behind and am hoping for a far better week to come. Out of the blue, Tatum K started running fever on Wednesday. No other symptoms, just fever. As one would expect, a temp of 102.5° made our little spicy girl pretty droopy. All she has wanted was Mama’s lap and the “show-pad.” If she managed to move from my lap, she needed me holding her hand at all times. Another day of fever followed, then another. Today is Day 5. Since Wednesday, I think she has eaten 6 popsicles, 2 apple slices, half a yogurt, and a bowl of tomato soup.

Now listen, I have nine kids, we’ve had nearly every kind of bug AND we have survived cancer, so I’ve seen plenty of fevers. I know she’s OK. Her color is fine, no tummy symptoms, not complaining of any pain. She’s drinking well and having plenty of wet diapers, so she’s not dehydrated. I know that it’s most likely a virus, and that viruses just require supportive care and have to run their course. So I really didn’t feel the need to drag her to a clinic so that the pediatrician could tell me, “She has a virus, she needs supportive care, and it needs to run its course.“ I sound remarkably calm, right? Wrong, wrong, WRONG. Instead of cancer giving me a good perspective on not sweating the small stuff, cancer has wrecked me. During Sawyer’s treatment, fever was our mortal enemy. I watched for it like a hawk. I took Sawyer’s temperature AT LEAST DAILY when he looked well, hourly or more when he didn’t. And the panic clenched tighter with each rising degree if the thermometer began to inch closer to the magic number that would send us barreling back down the highway to the Dallas ER more times than I can count. That was my norm for 4 years. He’s had plenty of fevers since then, all completely normal and without incident, as have all the other children, including Tatum. And I’m sure I’ve had my share of moments of irrational fear. But this time has been different. I’ve really been trying to search it out and better understand myself and my reactions. Part of it is that she’s had no other symptoms. Other fevers have been in conjunction with colds, tummy bugs, teething. But there’s been something deeply unsettling about a fiery hot, rosy cheeked toddler laying wearily on my chest that sends me spiraling. And when I think back to how many days upon days I lived that with Sawyer, especially before we knew he was sick, it’s not really very mysterious.

So I sent a “please-talk-me-down-off-the-ledge“ text to our pediatrician. He was abundantly kind and gracious, even checking in on her via text each day. We talked through symptoms and lack there of, and what to watch for. I’m confident that she’s OK. Her fever has been significantly lower today, and she has perked up quite a bit. I knew she was ok before I texted him, but I still couldn’t shake that sticky, unsettling feeling of fear.

Why is that? Why do we still freak out when we know the truth? I think about how I get onto my girls when they panic every time it lightnings or thunders. It doesn’t matter how many times I reassure them, explain what causes lightning and thunder, or how many times I remind them that they are safe…they don’t believe me enough to stop being afraid. I would never think of admitting that I do not believe God enough to stop being afraid….but that is exactly what I’m doing. I’m not beating myself up, I just know that the more I honestly confess my struggles and confront the fears that relentlessly ambush me, the more Jesus will build my faith and further my healing. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. I love this quote from Ann Voskamp’s prayer, “We may not be fearless but we will be strong and courageous and faithful because our faith in You is greater than the fears in us.” And I openly share this because I know we are all working through our own junk.

Big praises to Jesus for our friend, Georgia, who is home after a wildly successful brain surgery on Monday! And big prayers needed for sweet Baby Lucas as he recovers from his first radiation treatment last week and has a big week ahead of scans and treatments. And for one friend who said the hardest goodbye to her baby boy last week, and another friend who is hoping to meet her son this week. Thank you for continuing to lift these precious families in prayer.

Thanks in advance for praying for Tatum K. As of 9pm, she’s still not fever-free, but this afternoon she was clearly feeling better.

Let’s pray to choose faith over fear this week. Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” Mark 9:23-24

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” II Timothy 1:7

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7

Grace

Grace. Defined as “the unmerited favor of God toward man.” It’s the good we get that we don’t deserve. Oh, how we need grace. It’s something I’m always begging God for more of, and I’m so thankful that it’s something He never runs out of. I’m counting on heaping helpings of that grace to get me through this summer with all these kiddos and all the big changes that are coming this fall.

I am thankful for GRACE.

One of my kiddos had a pretty bad day. Well, pretty much it’s been A BUNCH of bad days piggybacked on top of each other. And I’ve had to discipline a lot. Like a LOT LOT. And it left me feeling discouraged and sour and like the World’s Meanest Mommy. But Saturday morning, I stretched my my arms open, and this child crawled up into my lap.

I whispered, “I love you,”

and they said, “I love you too.”

And I said, “Do you know I love you even when I get onto you?”

“Yes,”

“And do you know WHY I get onto you?”

They replied, “because you love me and so I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time.”

Deep sigh. Big squeeze. Tiny tears from mama’s eyes that I tried to hide in their hair as I held them tighter. Ok, maybe not the ACTUAL meanest mommy in the WHOLE world. Thankful to my loving father who gives me the grace I need to be a mama to so many. And the unique grace He gives me to be the exact mama that each ONE CHILD needs at that moment. God, give me the grace to extend that grace to others, especially my children.

~ for my flyswatter. Anybody else dealing with 834,267,559 flies?

~ for our cardinal family. I’ve been captivated by watching their nest and the comings and goings of the parents. Now there’s a baby bird out of the nest, not yet strong enough to fly. It hides itself all around our yard and the neighbors’, and the Mama and Daddy cardinals tirelessly tend to it and bring it food. So far our benevolent neighbors have not called the cops on me for climbing my ladder and constantly peering over their fence with my telescopic camera lens.

~ for the community of prayer warriors who rise up around a need. If you follow me on social media, you likely saw my urgent prayer request for our beloved nurse Kelly and her infant son, Lucas. He has been battling rhabdoid tumors for several months and just recently has started experiencing a decline of appetite and increased pain. A CT this week indicated a new tumor. And y’all hit your knees. Kelly was thankful to report that the mass was not attached to his brain, and that the insertion of an NG tube should provide a nutritional boost to increase Lucas‘s strength as he continues his brave fight. How I wish there was no cancer for him to fight, but today we have the grace to praise God for every piece of encouraging news! You can follow Lucas’ journey on Caringbridge.

~ It’s been a big week for our oldest daughter. Monday Josh, Carson Grace, and I drove to Marshall, TX for New Student Orientation at East Texas Baptist University (ETBU). It’s such a beautifully manicured campus, and all the staff and other students and families were so friendly. After the first general welcome session, all students and parents headed to meet with the heads of the major they had chosen, for Carson Grace, that was Communications. She hasn’t been sure what exactly she’d want to do in that field, but she has some interests and strengths in those areas, so it seemed like a good place to start. Next was a meeting with the department heads for whatever you want to minor in: Music/Worship Arts. Carson Grace was eager to meet with these professors and discuss the choirs and worship team. The head of the Worship Arts department begin to ask lots of specific, pointed questions: “So why are you here?“ “What are you passionate about?” After just a few of her responses, he said… “I don’t know, but you sound like a music major to me!” That was such an unexpected, abrupt shift that caught all of us unaware. But when he asked her, “Do you like music? Or do you LOVE music? For me…” he said, “I’m interested in a lot of things, but music is what gets me out of bed in the morning. It’s what makes me tick.” And her eyes filled with tears as she said, “ I love it. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do.”

And that was that. She’s a music major! Thank you God for the grace to take a step out in faith.

~ also this week, Carson Grace had her very first job interview. After about 25 minutes, she walked out with the job!

~ not only that, Carson Grace, our sweet girl, our Princess Peanut, turned 18. I swear, yesterday she was a baby. A bitsy, blue-eyed baby, sucking her thumb behind a pink crocheted blanket. A tiny, sassy toddler shaking her thing to the Wiggles “Pony Song.” We’ve ridden the predictably unpredictable hormone roller coaster, cried happy tears and tears of frustration, and learned the hard way how to communicate. Josh says she’s just like me: sometimes that’s a compliment, and sometimes it’s most assuredly NOT. But as I look at her as a young adult, a young woman, my heart is bursting with so much pride and so much hope for her future that it genuinely feels like pain.

Grace was my grandmother. My dad‘s mom. She was a farmer, a school bus driver, 4-H leader, and a world traveler. She knew how to cook and sew and her house was cozy and neat as a pin.

I pretty much grew up at her house, at her kitchen table, in her garden, and in her basement. I spent all my time with her when I was little bitty, but when I grew older, I spent time with her by choice. I would ride my bicycle 3 miles down the treacherously steep loose gravel road that led from our family farm to her house in the valley. I loved to be at Grandma’s house. I played “olden days,” dressing up in her old furs and hats from the 50s and the reading the old primers she had saved from when my dad was a little boy. I waded and fished in the creeks around her house. We watched deer and birds and squirrels from her windows, and watched the trees explode into color on the bluffs that rose up around her on every side. She was feminine, but not girlie, and I never remember seeing her wear a drop of makeup. She loved me unconditionally and was my biggest fan and supporter through every endeavor. I loved my Grandma. And even though I never expected to have a daughter, when I found out that my second baby was going to be a girl, it was a given that I would name her Grace. Josh and I traveled from Texas back to Minnesota about once a year to visit early in our marriage, and each time it was more heartbreaking to see Grandma’s health decline as Parkinson’s Disease robbed her of her physical strength and independence. She passed away when Carson Grace was 6. But I will always treasure the memories I have of her, and I love sharing them with my kids. I know she would have gotten such a kick out of my crazy oversized Tribe, and they all would have loved her just like I did. And I’m so proud that my first-born daughter bears the name of such a special lady, one who lived up to the definition of the word.

Let’s love lavishly and extend extra measures of grace this week! Everybody else needs it just as much as you do.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:7-9

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

Ready or not…

I should have expected it. Last week I boldly proclaimed to the world how thankful I am. How thankful I am for my lively mess of a family and the perfectly imperfect. Why should it surprise me that Monday morning I’d be hit on all sides with utter chaos: squalling siblings, mouthy teens, and a maniacal 2 year old terrorist. I was attacked full force from every direction. And man, I fell right smack off my thankful mountain. I know that’s real life: highs and lows and not-so-pretty-or-poetic emotions. BUT GOD. Oh how thankful I am that God doesn’t turn His back on me every time I fail. And that His goodness is not contingent on my faithfulness. WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!

But when all is said and done, He gives me the grace to get back up when I fall on my face. I get to tell my kids I’m sorry and we all get a do-over. New mercies every morning. And every week.

I am thankful:

~ for more end of school fun. Our final FINAL day of school was Wednesday! It is surreal to see Sawyer completing his first year of school. I don’t take these “firsts and lasts” for granted. Every time he reaches another milestone, I never fail to see that frail, white little baby. BUT GOD! He knew this day was coming even when all we could see was death in every direction. Thank you Jesus for the last five years! And we will be thankful for all the rest you will give us! I pray Sawyer lives to be a strong, healthy, old old man who never tires of telling the story of how Jesus healed-ed him.

B5E02969-EF35-4783-9EF1-7700227A3614 — “Mama, what are the other ribbon colors? I want to pray for God to heal ALL the people with cancer.”

~ for nail polish remover. I used a whole bottle to clean up Tatum K and the carpet where she painted her “Pretty toes Mama! I MESSY!”

~ for my 2 kiddos recognized for Perfect Attendance! Way to go Kora and Gavin!

~for the remarkable kindness and generosity of friends.

~ for good news. Our friend Mason got his port removed after completing leukemia treatment, Baby Lucas got wonderful news from his oncologist, and sweet Georgia is home from her latest stay in the hospital. God, You are so good. Thank you, faithful prayer warriors, for praying; please keep lifting up all these precious families.

~ for at least a couple lazy days. No alarms to set, no plans on the calendar. We enjoyed our walks, kids swam in the icy pool until their lips turn blue, and we laughed as Bear eagerly dove in after them, showing off his swimming skills.

~for Carson Grace and the Cougars safe trip down to Houston for their next softball playoff game. They battled through and played their best, but this time didn’t come away with the win. But what a great season!

~ for the way all my kids love music. They are always singing along with the radio behind me in the car, making up songs, or singing on their own at home. This week a favorite came on, “I’m a Child of God,” and Sawyer said, “Mama! I just love this song so much! I just HAVE to Praise Him!” I can only imagine how this blesses the Father’s heart.

~ for the eagerly anticipated, fast and furious arrival of my latest BEAUTIFUL NIECE, Josey Dean! What a little sugar!!!

And Saturday was the biggest day; a day of so much joy but also bittersweet tears. My girl, my Carson Grace, my heart. How can my baby be graduating high school? I remember picking out her first day of school clothes from the toddler department. I remember the tiny wooden stool that her teacher had built for her because her little legs dangled from the desk and couldn’t reach the floor. I remember crying as she graduated from Kindergarten, then from 5th grade, then 8th. I blinked. Tiny crocs and Mary Jane’s were replaced by Vans and impossibly high heels. My memory hasn’t faded from her baby days, because all I have to do is look at Tatum K, her carbon copy. Saturday, my beautiful girl put on that cap and gown and proudly received her diploma. She fought for it: high school wasn’t easy for her on any level. But she did it, and we are so proud. We even had the excitement of a tornado warning and mandatory evacuation in the middle of the ceremony, but she made it! We ended the evening with burgers and watermelon and friends crowded in the kitchen, celebrating our girl.

~ and then a wonderful baby shower for my precious friends Chris and Lindsay, as they prepare their hearts and home for their baby boy on the way. They are such treasures, and I am so ready to watch them step into the role they were MADE FOR as Mama and Daddy!

As you may well imagine, it’s slightly terrifying to face being home with all these kiddos for the summer. I’m so ridiculously outnumbered. But thankfully they haven’t figured that out yet. I am trying to find a balance between high hopes and realistic expectations for the upcoming weeks: lots of swimming, walks, trips to the library, and some good healthy brain exercise. We’re gonna eat popsicles and ride bikes and Cooper’s going to teach me how to flip on the trampoline. And I’m gonna love my babies the very best I can. I’m gonna soak up these last precious weeks of having Carson Grace home before she leaves for college. I’m going to press into Jesus. I’m going to pray with my kids and play with my kids. I’M GONNA FINISH SCRAPING THOSE BEAMS. It’s going to be a glorious mess, but we are going to do it together.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” Psalm 90:1-2

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.” Psalm 90:14-17

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

A Blessed Mess of a Mama

Why do I start every Sunday gratitude with the sentence… “Wow! What a busy week!”???? With a family this size, I think we can rest confidently that it’s usually going to be busy. I just need to accept that fact. But whether you have one kid or 21, the end of school season can get wild. So buckle up, this post is about to make you tired…

I am thankful:

~ for 15 Giddyup & Whoa Mother’s Day orders.

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For “Graces Races,” our GCS end-of-school field day for each grade. Monday 1st grade, Tuesday – 3rd grade, Wednesday – 2nd grade, Thursday – 4th grade. And I made it to each one. Granted, a couple in time for the snowcone finale… But at least my kiddos knew I was there. They all had such a great time with their friends doing balloon and scooter and gunnysack relays. The elementary children will have their last day of school this coming Wednesday. Where did this school year go?

~ for great softball game/senior night for Carson Grace. So proud to take the field with our beautiful girl and celebrate the end of her high school career. Then the Cougar girls played a tremendous game and walked away with their first playoff win!

~for a great birthday dinner celebrating Colton. His schedule last week didn’t permit, but this week we had a tasty meal of his choice: crescent chicken, sweet potato fries, and yellow cake with chocolate icing.

~for another great choir concert, this time for Cooper and the Junior High. Such a talented group of students!

~ Of course the highlight of this week was Wednesday, which was Sawyer‘s quarterly Oncology Clinic visit. Bloodwork confirmed that he is CANCER FREE! Glory to God! This was Sawyer‘s first visit on the ACE unit (After Cancer Experience), otherwise known as the Survivors Unit. This is truly a miraculous milestone we never dared dream we would see. You can read my Caringbridge post with full details from the day here.

~ I’m thankful for God’s protection on the drive, and I’m very thankful I didn’t know how dangerous the storms were until AFTER I was safely home! I know I would have panicked. My back hurt for 2 days from clutching the steering wheel.

~ for Nurse Appreciation Week. Our nurses are our family, and we love them passionately. No amount of words or gifts can measure the impact they make on the lives they touch. We ❤️ Nurses!

~ for Carson Grace’s Senior Awards Assembly. How incredible to see 100% of her class has been accepted into various colleges, from Texas to Alabama to Illinois. The Admissions Counselor from ETBU came from Marshall to present Carson Grace with her Academic and Christian Leadership Scholarships. And that same day, she took her very last final, and is officially DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL! Just unreal. It was a hard fought battle to get her to this point, and she’s wrestled through a lot over the past couple years, but she made it, and we are SO PROUD!

If you’re still with me, are you tired yet? Oh no, we’re not done yet. Not even close!

~ thankful for Cooper’s 8th Grade Year End Assembly. The students heard from each of their amazing teachers (there really is a unique and passionate breed of teacher who chooses to minister to Jr. High students). They reminded the kids how loved they are by the Lord, and that they are so valuable to the Kingdom. The teachers, coaches, and faculty spoke with so much enthusiasm and heart, it was incredibly moving, and I’m freshly reminded how grateful I am that Cooper has been loved so well by this faculty. I pray for him as he steps into High School next fall, that he will walk confidently in who he is, and stay the bright, one-of-a-kind individual he’s always been. Oh, and he is THRILLED to be done with school for the year.

~ for 2 fun end of year parties done. 5 to go. From trampoline parks to the rock gym, they have a blast with their friends.

~ for a whirlwind Saturday: Carson Grace traveled with her team to Rockwall for Softball Playoff game, Cougars DOMINATED for another victory, and then turned around and rushed back to Tyler in the rain so the girls could get ready for PROM! Seriously!!?? What a day! Thankfully there was just enough time, and Carson Grace transformed in her room from a softball champion, emerging as a stunning vision in her ballgown. At the country club where the dance was held, the Senior class and their dates gathered to take a group photo, and the emotions got really real. It seemed like yesterday that all these kids were posing for class pictures on the playground. Or on a fire truck. Gone are the pigtails and missing teeth and skinned up knees with Disney bandaids. Instead they were beautiful grown young men and ladies. They were poised and stunning and were arrayed in their finest. And they took my breath away. Somebody please stop time.

And now that I’ve survived this marathon week of mayhem, it’s Mother’s Day. I’ve earned some stripes this week for sure. Mother’s Day can stir up such varied emotions for different people: longing-to-be mothers, first-time mothers, children who have lost their mothers and mothers who have lost their children, mamas with strained relationships, and those who have chosen not to be mothers. Not everybody gets breakfast in bed and a new candle.

At this moment at my house, there’s marinated fajita steak on the grill, and ALL MY KIDS ARE HOME. There are saturated towels, clothes, and shoes strewn all over the patio and three dripping mermaid tails hanging on the fence. Yelling kids on the trampoline, yelling kids chasing a soggy mess of a dog, kids staring at their phones, kids cracking up over Snapchat filters. My legs need shaving, my grey needs colored, my floor needs mopped, and my bed’s not made. And I will be 100% honest and say I usually don’t fully appreciate my life. I am short-tempered and impatient and overwhelmed. Too many questions, too much laundry, too many squabbles and the sippy cup is always lost. But today. Today I have been so thankful. Yes, my plate is full, but I see my cup that overflows with blessing. My house is a mess, but it’s bursting at the seams with the people I love. I have no idea why God has given me so many hearts to be responsible for, and most days the task completely terrifies me. I am VASTLY UNQUALIFIED. But I know that the confidence in myself that is lacking is ECLIPSED by the confidence I have in Him. He gave me all these babies. I don’t know why I am so blessed, but all I can do is thank Him and do my best every day. And when my best isn’t good enough, His grace will meet me there. I’m pretty much the most blessed mama on the planet.

Oh, and today I got to take a nap in my hammock.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children.” Isaiah 54:13