Sweet Moments Along the Way

I didn’t share much about our Easter last week, because I wanted to spend less time documenting it and more time LIVING IT. But it was truly such a special weekend. We made cards and baked goodies and stuffed eggs and did a little “Joy Run” around town on Saturday afternoon, delivering treats and just saying “hi.” Often the best remedy for the Self-Pity Blues is to do something nice for somebody else. It was great to get out of the house for a change of scenery and to see some of the people we have missed so much.

Saturday evening we had a sweet time with the kids with an Easter basket devotional I had seen online. They went around the yard and gathered rocks in their baskets. We sat down and discussed how heavy they were, and how hard they were to carry. I told them that the rocks were like sin in our life, and that we were never meant to carry all of that heaviness. We covered all the baskets with a big red blanket, representing Jesus’ blood covering all our sins. In the morning, they were thrilled to see that all the heavy rocks were gone, and their baskets were filled with sweets and prizes (and a new swimsuit for the summer!). They thanked Jesus for taking away their sins, and for exchanging their burdens with blessings and joy!

After our unexpected tornado-warning-sheltering at dawn, and our traditional Easter breakfast of Resurrection Rolls, Colton joined us for online church. Then we feasted on brown sugar glazed ham, mashed potatoes, roasted green beans, and sugar cookies. The threatening storms gave way to a perfectly BEAUTIFUL day to celebrate our Risen Savior. We watched movies and had an egg hunt in the front yard, some of the kids swam, and we did our chalk art. I think we all watched ANOTHER movie after all that. At dinner, Josh surprised us all by making a very uncharacteristic speech. “This year Easter is a lot different. We are missing some of the things we usually do, and the family we usually see. It’s kind of strange not being allowed to go places and do the things we are used to. Lots of things are different. But it’s not all bad. In fact, I LIKE a lot about this season. This is probably my favorite Easter I can ever remember.”

I wish I could tell you I hold that Christ-centered positive attitude all week long. Y’all, it is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE to keep my head up and my spirits up. I know I’m not alone in that. The official mandate closing schools for the rest of the year was another disappointment. So hard not to focus on all the fun things the kids won’t get to do. The temptation to fall into self pity, distraction, frustration, and fear is relentless. Each day looks like the day before it, stuck in the hamster ball of sheltering in place and virtual schooling. Schooling my babies is kicking my tail, and no matter how exhausted I am at the end of each carbon-copied day, I can’t ever seem to turn my mind off and get any rest. Grumpy, overtired teachers that teach 6 grades at once in a one room school house are THE VERY BEST TEACHERS! One morning, Tatum K crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my neck, “Mama, I no want you be a cheacha (teacher)… I want you be a MAMA!” Oh my heart. My baby misses her mom. I miss her mom too.

But I am so thankful for sweet moments along the way.

~ for the moments when I do just get to be a Mama. And I get to snuggle with my Loves on the couch. We’ve had some great times reading together, lots of picnics, and some scintillating UNO games.

~ for buttery sweet homemade cinnamon rolls fresh from the oven. I haven’t made them in 15 years. Anybody else eating their feelings these days?

~ for my AMAZING personal shopper that did my online grocery order. She actually REMEMBERED ME from “the days before quarantine,” and knew that we have a supersized family, not a hoarding problem. She and the Aldi management allowed me to get our 10 loaves of bread and 12 gallons of milk! Just like the good old days!

~ for progress on our puzzle, which has now officially replaced our last puzzle as THE HARDEST PUZZLE ON THE PLANET. The kids have put in like 12 pieces, and I have done about 698. Only 9,845,873,458 to go.

~ for GCS Spirit Day. More than ever before, we are grateful for our WONDERFUL school and our WONDERFUL teachers and the WONDERFUL community we have there.

~ for kind neighbors. So thankful we can call on one another when we need something. It was fun to leave a thank you note.

~ for another fun Giddyup and Whoa project. We are so grateful for the opportunity to continue to create.

~ for another new reno project…. Any guesses?

~ for all the sweet moments along the way… moments that I would miss if I wasn’t home teaching my kids. Sawyer reading his books to Gavin. Zoe’s eyes lighting up when she gets all her spelling words right. For the joy of witnessing their creativity firsthand instead of seeing it come home in a folder.

I remember well another season of social distancing. When Sawyer was going through chemotherapy as a baby, his immune system was treacherously fragile. We had no visitors. Sawyer ALWAYS stayed home. The kids immediately changed their clothes and washed hands after school, and sometimes I even sprayed them down with Lysol. It was completely normal for Sawyer to wear a certified N99 mask anytime he was in public, and we all wore masks around him if we had so much as a sniffle. Hand sanitizer was by every door, on every keychain, in every vehicle, along with the hospital grade sanitizing wipes that I carried with me everywhere, wiping down any surface Sawyer would come in contact with. I lived on high alert. FOR YEARS.It was a scary season in so many ways. BUT GOD. Thinking back on those days, I look at how different life is today, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Sawyer is here. We are all healthy. We made it through the Valley to the other side.

But I know this season, with its similar themes of fear, separation, and high alert, is being used by God in such an important way. Another season of being set apart.

He is changing us.

I want to be changed for the better. I want to learn what junk is still in my heart, and let Him cleanse it out. I want to see what areas I am still not fully trusting Him with, so I can lay them down. I want my kids to look back on these days when they are grown with fondness, and remember how much time they spent beating Mom at UNO and how many stories we read together instead of how stressed out we all were.

I’m not all the way there yet. But I’m trying. And God is faithful. Let’s love one another well this week. And give yourself grace if you don’t have it all together. 98% of the people on your Zoom meeting aren’t wearing pants either.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil 1:4-6)

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.” (Isaiah 26:3-4)

Vision

I am thankful:

~ for those sweet moments that make me laugh. Tatum was crying, but was trying to settle herself down when her nose started running. Horrified, she started crying harder, “Mama!!! Now my NOSE is CRYING!” That girl keeps me on my toes.

~ for a better-than-expected first week with new puppy, Birdie. She is sweet, and Bear is getting used to her…he is alternately playful and annoyed. She is sleeping much better and more tuned-in to potty training than Bear was when we first got him. She’s certainly doing better on the potty train than Miss Tatum K. I guess perhaps Mama is a little more motivated with the dog…the puppy’s accidents aren’t contained by a diaper, and Tatum is at least slightly LESS likely to poop on my rugs….

~ for some of the most beautiful wood we’ve ever worked with as Giddyup & Whoa. It is truly the prettiest, chippiest, most awesome wood, and it’s so special to the family we are making signs for. Such an honor to be entrusted with their memories.

~ for Cooper being home safe from an incredible trip to Camp Eagle in West Texas.

~ for AWESOME new GO GOLD t-shirts. Go check out Laurel & Cotton to get yours. Thank you so much to Melissa Vance for your heart to help our HERO families!

~ for another new and beautiful dream realized. Last September after Tyler Gold Run, Josh and I started talking about how badly we want more people to understand the vision of Gold Network of East Texas. Over the last 5 years, we have focused on reaching every family we could find, and raising funds by asking the local businesses we know to be race sponsors. But we have come to realize that focusing on Tyler Gold Run is so short-sighted. MOST people don’t want to hear about a race. MOST people aren’t interested in being a race sponsor. But I genuinely BELIEVE that if MOST people hear about these families, about the reality of childhood cancer, and about the incomparable bravery of these kids, that they will get on board with us and we just might change the world. So we decided we wanted to have a dinner. We envisioned inviting friends and family and others from the community to our home and just sharing our hearts. When we started making a list, I told Josh that I thought it MIGHT be too big for our house. To which he replied, “I don’t care! I’ll stand on the table and talk!” But as it all actually began to unfold, we decided to book the Foundry, a downtown coffee shop with additional venue space. We reserved the middle floor which held 78 people, and we prayed that we weren’t being overly optimistic. We booked a professional videographer, booked a caterer, booked a cellist, and called it the Vision Dinner. And a week before the event, we had to move our reservation to the 3rd floor, because we had OUTGROWN the capacity! The Vision Dinner was Tuesday evening, and it was SO SPECIAL! We heard from several of our Hero moms and from brave 8th grader and Ewing’s Sarcoma survivor, Aneesa, who read her inspiring letter to her school principal asking her school to Go Gold. We shared what GNET had done over the past 5 years and our vision for the future. I looked out at the crowded room of kind, supportive faces around the carefully decorated gold and black tables and felt as though my heart would burst. I even had the special blessing of having Colton there: he had lined up several of his friends from work who all VOLUNTEERED their time to be our head servers. GNET received many donations that night, but more importantly, I genuinely believe eyes were opened and hearts were touched.

I will never forget that night.

~ for the times when the Lord tells me to trust my gut. Wednesday evening, Sawyer started complaining of a headache and sore throat. Thermometer revealed 101° fever. We gave him some Motrin and tucked him in to bed, fighting the inevitable anxiety that creeps in when he runs fever. Years of conditioning to head straight to the hospital for a temp higher than 100.4° is hard to let go of. We know the unlikelihood of fever meaning cancer relapse, and we know viruses come and go, and they just have to run their course. Next morning, 103°. I gave lots of fluids and Sawyer did not resist being confined to his bed. That evening, his fever spiked back up to 104° and a rash began to spread across his chest and back. Sawyer looked at himself and said, “Mama, I look like salami!” I still tried not to overreact. I know rashes can pop up with fevers. But I just couldn’t shake my concern. I was able to get the VERY LAST appointment for Friday afternoon at the pediatrician. And am I ever grateful that the Lord wouldn’t let me let it go: sweet boy tested positive for strep throat and scarlet fever! I hate to think how sick he could have gotten if we had waited until after the weekend! BUT GOD! With antibiotics, the fever quickly subsided, and after a day he was released from quarantine. Salami Boy is still pretty spotty and itchy, but the maddening red rash is improving and his sore throat is gone. And thankfully no one else shows signs of getting sick. Thank You Jesus!

~ for gloriously good news for my friend after terrifying news, an agonizing waiting period, and a very serious surgery. Praying for healing mercies as she turns the page on a scary chapter.

~ I am thankful for the GOAL of Daylight Savings Time, and I know I will enjoy lighter, brighter evenings this summer. BUT TONIGHT I AM MISSING THAT HOUR AND I AM SO VERY TIRED.

~ for the wide open schedule of Spring Break ahead. Praying for lots of grace and patience and getting along with one another and sunshiny days for playing outside.

My heart is so sad tonight. Another innocent child was lost to cancer. Two in a month. Two more families that should be watching their babies grow up, and instead, they can only wonder what might’ve been. And yet another family I love is on a trip to soak up some last memories with their sweet little one before they have to say goodbye. Father God, I love You and I trust that You are good, even though no part of me can understand. Help me to fix my eyes on You and not on the chaos and brokenness of my surroundings.

Hold close the ones you love. Please visit our newly updated website www.goldnetworkoet.com to see the phenomenal video. If you are moved to give, please do so. Or contact me about getting involved. Childhood cancer is not going away. Help us do more for families living their worst nightmare.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (Psalms 90:12)

“For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth;” (Job 19:25)

Hope, Joy, and Generosity

What a jam-packed week! I was just so whupped at the end of last week, really had the wind knocked out of me. So much heaviness. And you know what… none of those circumstances have changed. But even those sad, harsh realities are overshadowed by the goodness and faithfulness of God. He keeps pouring out His goodness. His mercies really are new every morning.

I am thankful:

~ the best testimony of all – Sawyer the Warrior had a PERFECT checkup at his quarterly ACE Oncology appointment, and our brave boy remains CANCER FREE! Thank You Jesus!!! As usual, Sawyer hopped up in Miss Sharon’s phlebotomy chair all by himself and laughed while she drew his blood.

I am always freshly astounded and in awe of the courage of this incredible boy. His appointment went smoothly, and once the labs came back with the “all clear,” Josh and I were finally able to breathe again. That part never gets easier. Every time they draw his blood, we wait to hear the best news or the worst news. BUT GOD. This visit we packed in lots of extra-special visits on top of the clinic appointment. Josh and I were joined by my friend and Gold Network of East TX co-creator, Paula Kimmey, to present a check from GNET for $10,000 to an acclaimed pediatric oncologist from Children’s Hospital, Dr. Ted Laetsch, to assist funding his groundbreaking CAR-T therapy which uses genetically modified immune cells to treat Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

Not only were we THRILLED to present this check to fund research at our own hospital (that’s about as LOCAL as it gets!), but it was even more meaningful because Dr. Laetsch was on the team of oncologists that cared for Sawyer when he was treated for Infant ALL! What a surreal full-circle moment! We also delivered a New Diagnosis Survival Kit to one of the new families we learned of last week, and we were introduced by a nurse to YET ANOTHER East Texas family – that makes 3 new diagnoses just last month. Sawyer was able to meet the girl, several years his senior, and smiled sweetly at her in her hospital bed and told her simply, “Be brave!” What an ambassador of HOPE!

~ for a delicious, yet oddly romantic, candlelit lunch at Campisi’s. We ordered from there several times while in the hospital, but had never been to the restaurant, so it was the perfect place to celebrate a great day. Their BBQ chicken pizza is THE BOMB! (Sawyer was not a fan, he stuck with cheese.)

~ for Aunt Gina, who ran the morning and afternoon Rucker bus route while we were gone to Dallas and spent the day with Hurricane Tatum K. And for her delicious gift of homemade Amish friendship bread for breakfast!

~ for a pretty successful first week of Intro-to Potty-Training with TK. She is excited to use her little potty chair and has had only a couple of unfortunate mishaps in her pink Peppa Pig panties. She is very proud of herself and never lets me forget her Skittles.

~ for sweet Zoe, who received the “Joyfulness” Award at chapel. Love to see those brown eyes sparkle. Her name means “life,” and I pray she always lives a life full of the JOY of the Lord.

~ for a lovely evening of fellowship prompted by some pretty exciting conversations. We’ve been talking a lot about heaven lately, and one day last week Sawyer enquired, “What about people who have never heard about Jesus? Do they get to go to heaven?” What a question! I explained to him that Jesus is the ONLY way to heaven, and that that’s why it’s so important that we share the gospel with people who haven’t heard it. And then he replied, “I REALLY want to go to heaven! But I know it’s important that I really understand before I can ask Jesus into my heart…”

The rest of the conversation went like this

“Well, you have to believe in Jesus”

“I do!”

“You have to want Him to be your boss.”

“I dooo!”

“You have to want to serve Him your whole life.”

“I DOOOOO!”

You can only imagine this mama‘s heart. We told Sawyer that maybe it would be a good idea for him to think of some more questions and sit down and talk about them with our pastor, Brother Joe. He immediately hopped up excitedly, “Can we write them in a notebook? I can’t read… but will you write down my questions for me, Mama?”

So of course I did. When I told Sawyer that usually people make an appointment to meet Brother Joe at his office to talk, he promptly replied, “Nope! I want him to come to our house. For dinner.” So that’s exactly what we did. Brother Joe and Miss Becky came over, and we had a great visit. Sawyer had some incredible questions: “Why did God want to make us?” and “Why doesn’t God make us obey him?” That night at bedtime, he said it made him happy that Brother Joe and Miss Becky had come over for dinner. He said “I liked asking him my questions,” and things have been left at that for now. We will let Sawyer take the lead, and follow up when he brings it up again. I never want to push or manipulate God’s perfect timing. I’m excited about all the things that the Lord is stirring up and storing and building in his honest, tender, loving heart. I can only imagine what the Lord has in store for him.

~ for Brother Joe and Miss Becky being extremely gracious in eating the meal we lovingly prepared for them. Fried catfish. Ask me if either Josh or I have ever fried catfish before. It was on sale so we had wanted to try it. It’s always a FABULOUS IDEA to cook a dish you’ve never attempted before for guests. At least the brownies were good.

~ for a tremendous progress on the refresh in Carson Grace‘s room / my studio. Josh and I finished the herringbone wood-block backsplash and added some bright pops of color and gold for personality. We had one wall with some sheet rock damage, so we created a fun and functional galvanized magnet board. We still have some paint touch up to do, but for all practical purposes, the room is complete! Carson Grace FaceTimed with me to check it out, and she is excited to get home and see it in person. I look forward to sharing the space with her. I love having a creative place to create!

~ for the wonderful opportunity to attend Generosity Tyler, an event hosted by Jasper Ventures designed to encourage and inspire living generous lives. I have to admit that I arrived at the event pretty much swallowed up by anxiety. I felt very out of my element, very inadequate, and very overwhelmed. I sat in my car in the parking lot for a while, taking my anxieties honestly to the Lord. He reminded me who I am in Him, and that there is no need to ever be anyone else. It was a lovely event. Paula and I heard testimonies from people who shared how they have personally been stretched and have experienced a paradigm shift on what it means to be biblically generous. How the Lord wants us to be so generous WITH OUR LIVES that people find it shocking. We had some great conversations with the people at our table and ate some delicious food. And at the end of the event, the generous hosts of Generosity Tyler generously gifted us the beautiful floral centerpieces from all the tables for our upcoming event! I left so amazingly inspired and encouraged.

~ for a surprising, y’all-are-going-to-shake-your-heads-and-call-us-insane new addition to our Tribe. Meet Birdie.

If you need me this week, I’ll be potty training a puppy and a 2 year old, sending my Freshman off on a camping trip with his class, and prepping for and hosting a Gold Network dinner for 100 guests. Can’t wait to share all about it. Thank you for your continued prayers for the hurting people around us: the newly diagnosed, the ones who have lost and are losing loved ones, the ones who may be keeping their pain hidden from anyone. Let’s walk in joy, hope, and generosity this week!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

But God

I am thankful:

~for cute/sweet conversations overheard….

Sawyer, “Mama! Tatum is jumping on me and squashing me and I can’t breathe!”

Tatum K “I sowwy Sasa.”

Sawyer, “It’s ok Tatum. I’ll always love you.”

~ for a couple beautiful days of sunshine! It was so refreshing to get outside and breathe deep in the crisp air and take a walk again!

~ for a great excuse for a sweet treat. February 18 is International Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, a day set aside to raise awareness for childhood cancer. Often during cancer treatment, kids lose their appetite. The chemo makes food taste terrible and kids day nauseated day in and day out. Sometimes the only thing that sounds good or might bring a smile is some ice cream. So why not ice cream for breakfast? We join in to encourage kids who are fighting cancer, to celebrate with kids who have completed their treatment, and to remember the friends who were taken from us too soon. What a blessing to have friends from all over who joined in and shared their pictures with us. Thank you all so much.

~ for yet another birthday at our house – mine! I had a great day, lots of sweet messages from friends and family, homemade cards from the sweetest kids on the planet, a heavenly breakfast date with my sweetheart (and Tatum K of course), and a surprise coffee date with Colton! I was blessed beyond measure. Oh, and one of my highlights was getting the GOLD sneakers I’ve been dreaming of for a LONG TIME!!! And a new gold coffee cup! (Is there a theme here?)

~ for the kindness of Grace Community School. The GCS HOSA Club (Health Occupations Students of America, or Future Health Professionals) recently held a drive at the high school to collect the items we give in our New Diagnosis Survival Kits. We are so thankful for the HOSA students for organizing and the students for donating!

~ for amazing progress on Carson Grace’s room/my studio. The Murphy bed turned out great, and we (after 79,358 problems and equipment malfunctions) got the whole room sprayed a fresh, bright Alabaster white. I got inspired and started playing around with some stain colors and ended up loving the way the headboard turned out; and Josh did an amazing job on the reclaimed wood countertop. It’s so fun working on a new project together, and we are reminded of how much we enjoy the process of dreaming up a design and then knocking it out.

~for a beautiful opportunity for our girls to give a praise offering to the Lord. Samantha and Kora are a part of the Psalm 149 Dance Team at church, preteen girls learning the art of worship dance. The team is even taught by a young teenager who once danced in this group when she was younger. It was an honest and sweet outpouring of love for the Lord, and their performance at church this morning was so beautiful.

~ for 15 years of memories. We sorrowfully said goodbye to a precious member of our family this week, our 15-year-old pug, Cricket. He’s been the best dog and has been through it all with us. He was our first family dog when we just had three kids. He survived the great Rucker Population Explosion of 2013, and was a bright source of joy for us throughout the journey of cancer. He has rapidly deteriorated over the past few months, and I began to think the only thing keeping him alive was his sheer hatred of our new-er dog, Bear. We are thankful that he is no longer suffering, and we will lovingly remember him always, but there is a stinky, snuffy-nosed, Cricket-shaped place that hurts in all our hearts right now.

The words from the song I shared last week still resonate in my head… “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working. You never stop, You never stop working.” No matter what’s going on, there are ALWAYS blessings to count. That’s what Sunday Gratitude is about.

But this week has been one blow after another.

A dear friend got a devastating health news.

Another friend had troubling findings on her sonogram.

A suffering mother anxiously longs for her healing by graduation to heaven.

Not one, but TWO new children were diagnosed with cancer here in Tyler.

And another family got the only news worse than “your child has cancer.” The words, “There’s nothing more we can do.”

BUT GOD.I say that a lot, both here on the blog and in real life.What does that even mean anyway? BUT GOD. It means He really IS the answer to every question.

Father God, I am out of pretty words. My heart is broken and bleeding and sad. I am hurting for my friends. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why babies have to get sick and suffer. I hate cancer. Oh, how I hate cancer. I don’t understand why some people get healed on this earth and some people don’t. But I do know with everything inside me that You are FULLY GOOD. I believe that You have a good plan that is better than mine. And I believe that You hold me when I’m sad and mad and confused and anxious and furious and falling apart. AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS WORLD IS PASSING AWAY AND WE WILL ONE DAY LIVE A GLORIOUS LIFE WITH YOU IN HEAVEN! And there will be NO MORE SORROW AND NO MORE PAIN! How I long for that day! Until then, Father God, please hold my friends close. Give them Your supernatural peace that defies all logic. Give them grace breath by breath to walk through their circumstances. Surround them with friends who bring Your comfort. Show us how to help them in real life, practical ways. If it’s Your will to heal on this earth – HEAL!!!! To You be all the glory!!!! And if it’s Your will to heal them in heaven, let it be bathed in Your infinite mercy, and help us to trust in Your timing. Jesus COME!

Please pray for the hurting people all around you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

““For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

We hope

I am thankful:

~ for momentum! One more beam down! It’s tiring, backbreaking work, and such a mess, but I’m (thankfully) still in love with the results, and the end is in sight… (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about it here).

~ for the deep, heart to heart conversations with my 2 year old. Tatum, “ mama can I have a snack?”

Me “ do you want an orange?”

“No! I want a snack!”

“Ok, then what DO you want?”

“An ORANGE!”

~ for cheerful fresh tulips brightening my table.

~ for healing! We have all been taking our turns with THE CRUD over the last couple of weeks…intermittent fevers, coughs, runny noses. Last weekend, Sawyer’s cough intensified, and he woke up Monday with a fever. We don’t mess around with anything when it comes to him, and fevers set this mama on high alert, so we were at the pediatrician’s office at 8:30am.

Dr. Everett definitely suspected that he could be in the early stages of developing pneumonia, but we agreed to just watch him closely before jumping forward to any meds. So he missed 2 days of school, and we had a couple pretty rough nights, but Jesus protected Sawyer, and he got better instead of worse! Glory to the Lord! He’s still a little weak, and tires easily, but I told him if he rests well tonight, he’ll finally be allowed to run at recess again. He is SO READY. He told me he’s been being the soccer goalie at recess, and “I’m so terrible at it Mama.” And I think the rest of us are ALMOST well also.

~ for the opportunity to participate in another Vintage & Co. Jodi does the most amazing job of curating her collections of beautiful and unique vintage finds. It’s always an honor to be able to add a few Giddyup & Whoa pieces to her sales.

~ for the simple little things that bring such joy to my kids. Like pancakes for dinner. You would have thought it was the finest gourmet cuisine ever cooked. I bet they each thanked me 6 times.

~for my kiddos’ sweet and innocent prayers at midweek service. They prayed for healing for everyone who was sick, prayed for their older siblings to make good choices and to “stay on God’s path,” and one of them prayed simply, ”Dear God, help me to obey and have self control.” How it blesses me to hear them learning to talk to their Heavenly Father, and believe that He hears them.

~ for another fun and simple DIY Goodwill makeover. Love those 99¢ finds!

~ for a great time celebrating a dear friend’s birthday. He was turning 50, so the theme of the party was “OLD.” I love Sawyer’s interpretation…

~ for Carson Grace having the opportunity to sing Beethoven’s 9th with her ETBU Concert Choir this weekend. It was a huge concert, and we weren’t able to be there; but so grateful that Grandmommy, Uncle Justin, and Aunt Gina were able to go support her (and fill her up with some much needed Whataburger.)

~ for the sound of the rain against my window, especially when I’m snug in my bed.

~ for my cuties that just happened to end up looking like little Valentines for church. How are they growing up so fast?

~ for an AWESOME evening at our quarterly Gold Network CONNECT group. The concept was conceived from our trips to Lighthouse Family Retreat, when all the kids would go play and swim, and the parents would gather for a small group time called Common Ground. All these moms and dads from various walks of life, different faith backgrounds, a variety of diagnoses… but all of us had the worst thing in common. We all had a child with cancer. And we pretty much instantly became family. We listened to each other’s stories and we cried and we prayed for one another. And we encouraged one another. And we laughed. The connections were real and deep and unexpected and life-changing. It gave us so much hope. Josh and I had no idea how much we were thirsting for relationships with this specific community of people. And we just knew we had to try to bring something like it in Tyler. Last night we had seven pediatric cancer families around our table. We feasted on food from Oliveto and laughed and talked and ate and cried. And it was pure gold.

Our work with Gold Network of East Texas keeps us pretty entrenched in the childhood cancer world, even though Sawyer is now 3 years off treatment. (That fact is staggering to me). We celebrate all that God has done, and yet we are still continually learning what life-after-cancer means for us. And every day, I am still talking about cancer, and still thinking about cancer. We haven’t left cancer behind. Representing GNET, I am speaking with cancer families daily. I follow their updates and pray for them. I work on Gold Network event planning, manage the website, and almost daily update social media with announcements or post about childhood cancer awareness. It’s always at the forefront of my thoughts and day to day activities. But in such a different context from 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. But all it takes is to listen to one of our GNET parents begin to talk about that terrible, earthshaking moment when everything changed in their life… and I’m right there again. Sitting in a pediatric exam room on a red vinyl cough with a greenish-white baby in my arms, seeing Dr. Everett come in and close the door behind him with a look on his face like someone had kicked him in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. It never goes away. I see all these families and the pained seared in their eyes. Forever changed. Some of them are giving their brave kids toxic meds every day and praying for the cancer to go away. Some of them, like us, have graduated from the treatment routine, and pray against long term side effects and for the cancer to stay away forever. And some of them have said goodbye to their child, and now they wait, and now the hope they pray for is for the day they will be reunited with their child. It never goes away.

EVERYONE is walking through something. The loss of a child. Caring for an aging parent. A strained marriage. A prodigal child. Struggles at work. Chronic pain. Addiction. Loneliness. Anxiety. PTSD. And the world screams at us from 2 camps: either DO MORE! GET YOURS! CRUSH THE COMPETITION! YOU DESERVE TO RISE! Or on the other extreme: SLOW DOWN! TAKE CARE OF YOU! SELF CARE! YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

We all just need Jesus. Because none of us want what we REALLY deserve. We know the mess we truly are inside: the brokenness, the selfishness, the depravity. But He loves us anyway, right where we are. But even though the gift of salvation is FREE, it does have a cost. We have to say “no” to something to say “yes” to Him.

Saying “yes” to Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean our circumstances will change. Sometimes they do. Often they do not. But our PERSPECTIVE changes. And we don’t have to walk alone ever again. Because of Jesus, we are promised that the end of the story is good.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thanks for reading the thoughts I’m musing tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and there’s heaviness weighing on my heart. BUT GOD. Because of Him, I pray with so much hope. Unspeakable joy is COMING.

Have a good week friends. Reach out to somebody who could use a little hope.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

To it Not Through it

I am thankful:

~ for the most adorable Kindergarten talent show! Sawyer and his class wowed us with their variety of talents: from zooming around the auditorium on bikes and scooters to dog training and cartwheels, this is one talented group! Leading up to this event, Sawyer had a hard time narrowing down his choice. Finally, he settled on playing (I use the term “playing” loosely) his ukulele from his Hawaiian Make-a-Wish trip. HOWEVER, said uke was in ROUGH shape. So I promised Sawyer I would take it to a music store to see if it could be fixed. You have never seen a little guy SO EXCITED as Sawyer was as he watched the gentleman at the guitar store repair and completely restring his beloved ukulele. And the man was so kind and so touched by Sawyer’s enthusiasm that he did it all free of charge! (And in the interest of FULL DISCLOSURE, let me just also say, the ukulele got repaired on Monday. Monday was ALSO the day that I finally looked at the calendar and found out that the Talent Show was on WEDNESDAY. So Sawyer basically had one afternoon after school to get ready for his talent. Serious Mom Fail. But GOD. Thankful for God’s great grace.)

~ thankful that I FINALLY got a 2020 calendar so I can get my schedule in order! (If I missed something already, please don’t tell me!)

~ for a great visit with our sweet Miss Lindsay and baby Coby Tate. I have been needing some good CHOCOLATE SUGAR!!! Oh, he is just the sweetest, happiest boy!

~ that Josh had a work day in Marshall and was able to meet Carson Grace for a Taco Bell date! And so thankful that she has had a great first week back at school!

~ for a COMPLETED PUZZLE! It took us 3 1/2 weeks, but we WOULD NOT BE DEFEATED. 998 pieces of 1000. Perhaps one day we will successfully finish a puzzle without losing ANY pieces. Right now that seems like a lofty, unattainable goal. We are taking a break from puzzles for a while.

~ for football exciting enough to get even ME interested! So fun to root for a local hero. Let’s go Chiefs!

~ for ooey-gooey chocolate chip cookies still warm from the oven.

~ for a successful week for Giddyup & Whoa. New products, new orders, and new custom work. We are getting great feedback on our new website. And so excited to have 2 upcoming local sale opportunities. We will have items for sale at the Vintage & Co Valentine Pop-up Shop February 6-8 in Tyler, and I will be working a space at the Laurel & Cotton POP-up Shop March 27-28 in Bullard (this is the one benefitting Gold Network of East Texas.) So grateful for the support of our little family business. And for my cute and ever-eager youngest model, “Mama! Pitcha me!”

~ for an over-the-top celebration for the most joyous of occasions. Our friend and Gold Network Hero, Addie Leigh turned 5! And what could be better than turning five? How about triumphantly finishing cancer treatment!!!?? NOW THAT is cause for celebration! I’m talking bounce houses, food trucks, snow cones, face painting, and a balloon artist! Addie Leigh and her family have just recently moved into their new home, which had been an intensive renovation, and the setting was perfect for a fresh new start for the whole family. Everything, even the weather Saturday, a bright day of sunshine after days upon days of dreary drizzle, was like a refreshing gift of HOPE. My favorite moment of the day (besides seeing beautiful, spunky Addie Leigh frolicking with her friends, shining from the inside out) was when I was chatting with Tami, Addie Leigh’s mom. She was talking about how busy things had been building up to this special day. She said she had to get through the party before she could think about anything else. But as soon as she said it, she quickly corrected herself. “I want to soak this up and ENJOY IT! This is something to celebrate! This is not something I want to just GET THROUGH! I have reminded myself that I wanted to GET TO this day, not get THROUGH IT!” Her words absolutely INSPIRED me.

What a beautiful perspective. How many times do we get so sidetracked by the details and busywork that we MISS THE JOY??? What a waste. Lord, help me to enjoy the journey AND the destination. Even through the hard, let my eyes look for You, and learn all You have for me along the way. Help me to be a wife and friend and mama that is PRESENT.

Let’s BE PRESENT and love each other well this week. Whatever is on the horizon, whatever you are working toward, whatever challenge you are facing…let’s get TO IT, not just through it. God is good, and He is faithful.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” (Psalms 113:2-3)

Thank Full

I am thankful:

~ for a wonderful, JAM-PACKED break. Most days the weather was great, and the kids enjoyed running around and playing outside. They raked leaves into piles and delighted in jumping in them. When they found that we didn’t have enough leaves, they were more than happy to visit our neighbors and gather THEIR leaves and bring them to our house!

~for the absolute best kitchen helpers in all the land. My sous chefs were raring to go, and what they lacked in expertise they made up for with enthusiasm.

~for even a little time with my Girl home from college. Way too short of a visit, but thankful just the same.

~for sweet moments with my Love. We have our ups and downs like anybody else, and sometimes we bicker and get on each other‘s nerves. But most of the time, the love we have is everything you could ask out of a sappy movie. I love driving down the road, holding my babies hand, singing Garth Brooks’ songs to one another. It is delightfully nauseating.

~for online shopping. I just don’t have it in me to get out there and box the crowds for the best deals. I can’t even express how grateful I am to be able to find what I need while sitting on the couch and have it shipped right to my door.

~for a wonderful Thanksgiving. We always drive to Carthage and spend the day with family. The children cherish all the traditions, and their excitement is so contagious. This year we had an even larger crowd than usual: I love how everybody feels at liberty to invite more people along…and everyone is TRULY WELCOME. I don’t think anybody every feels like they are an “extra.” They just BELONG. And it’s truly the most fun gathering you can imagine. We are a lively bunch, with our chicken and turkey hats, our pumpkin Olympics complete this year with a reverent and very formal coronation of the Pumpkin Queen, and chicken dancing in the front yard next to the highway (punctuated with frequent honks from passers by). There’s just SO. MUCH. JOY. We ate until we were completely uncomfortable, and then we made another plate. Once that was ram-crammed down into our bellies, then it was time for PIE. The food was fantastic, but it’s the fellowship that defies explanation. I’m so grateful to be in the company of so much love. Such special memories.

~ for the soft glow of Christmas lights, a fire in the fireplace, and my snuggly $4.99 blanket from Aldi.

~ for the very best curbside find yet: the 9 foot Christmas tree (in original box) I picked up on large item trash week earlier this year. We put up the tree and with just a little finessing, all the original lights are functioning! Whoever threw this tree away, THANK YOU! We decked our halls this weekend, and everything is bright and festive. Josh even built me a custom reclaimed wood tree collar (gotta add a little Giddyup & Whoa, of course!) The kids love seeing their favorite ornaments and decorations come out of the boxes. They hear the stories of Grandma Grace’s handpainted nativity and Granny’s Christmas village. We hung our new ornaments from this summer’s trip to Lark Toys in Minnesota and the Laura Ingalls museum in Wisconsin. And Tatum K just points at everything and chirps again and again, “May-we Cwis-mas!!!” (We’ll see how much of it she breaks before the season is over.)

And today, what I’m most grateful for is a curly headed, blue eyed little boy, because today he turned 6. Six years old. I can’t even say it without crying.

It doesn’t matter how normal life is, how long he’s been a happy kindergartener, how normal he looks. It still takes my breath away when I stop and think about everything Sawyer has been through. From almost losing his life to organ failure the day he was brought by ambulance to Children’s, to the life and death battle he fought against cancer as a baby, the toxic reaction to meds, narcotic overdose and withdrawal, and then countless unidentified infections and bizarre complications along the way… but you’d NEVER EVEN KNOW IT. The faint white port scar on his chest and the curly hair that used to be straight are the only physical indicators left behind to hint that he has a medical history. I don’t know why Sawyer is the way he is, why his light shines so bright and why he loves so big. I just know he amazes me and that it feels like a tremendous responsibility to shepherd such a child. I don’t know how old he is going to grow to be, or what he is going to do in his lifetime (my heart still guards itself against looking too far ahead), but I know he is very very special. And I am thankful for every. single. moment. And I’m thankful for a very low-key, normal-just-like-every-other-kid-in-the-tribe birthday: no party, just donuts for breakfast and menu of choice for dinner: pizza, mac-and-cheese, and chocolate cake that he helped me bake. He wasn’t an honored guest of the police department, and nobody surprised him with a trip to Hawaii. He got Legos and a hot wheels track and some clothes. Just like a regular kid. And that’s kind of hard on Mom and Dad, because quite honestly, we think he deserves a parade every day (I mean, DOESN’T HE?) But what a gift that Sawyer, even after all he has been through, gets to live a normal life and be a normal kid. Normal maybe. But nonetheless, an EXCEPTIONAL WALKING MIRACLE. Glory to God!

Happy December. My mission this month is to keep my eyes on Jesus no matter how busy life gets. And remember why we have anything to celebrate.

(And just for the record: I love ALL my kids. Each one of them is incredibly unique and special and I’m in awe that God has entrusted me with stewarding so many of His treasured creations. I’ve said it before, I’m the most blessed Mama in all the world. I will spend my life doing my best to point them all to Jesus and love them all well.)

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Back to School Daze

I am thankful:

~ to be DONE BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. It only took me 3,647,447,262 trips to 78,226 stores to get what everyone needed.

~ for our wonderful, kind teachers at Grace Community School, and how thrilled each of the children are with the classroom they were placed in. I love the aroma of eagerness and hope at the beginning of the school year. There is just so much promise: new friends, new skills, new adventures. There are few things that thrill my kids more than strapping on a brand spankin’ new pair of tennis shoes and a 86 pound bulging backpack to go see friends they have missed all summer and meet their teachers.

~ for a good first day of school. Everyone popped out of bed with a grin, gobbled up fresh baked banana muffins for breakfast, and doodled up in their favorite outfit to start off their new year. (I may have chosen Sawyer’s shirt…) We read our morning devotional, like always, and prayed over our day and our family and our teachers, like always. Josh headed off to take Cooper to his first day of high school while I walked into the elementary school with 6 of my babies. And walked out with just one. I’m infinitely grateful for a school filled with people who love Jesus and love our family, and who give a whole lot of grace to this mama who has a very hard time letting go. But God.

~ and as if that were not enough, Wednesday was the day to drive Carson Grace back to ETBU, this time for good. Tatum K and I made the drive with her, and when we arrived, the dorm was HOPPING! When we moved her into her dorm before her mini-mester 2 weeks ago, there were just a handful of students on campus. But this week was Tiger Camp, ETBU’s Freshman Welcome Week. All of Carson Grace’s suite-mates were there, and it was great to meet them and their parents. I can already tell they are a really special group. We did the few last updates to her room, went on a quick grocery run, and a hurried Subway lunch, as I had to rush back to Tyler in time to pick up Littles from school. This meant I didn’t get to participate in the parent part of Tiger Camp, attending the first Chapel service of the year with Carson Grace. But I know God’s timing is better than mine, and I trust that it was best for me to get on the road when I did. Oh, it was so hard to drive away. I could tell though, that she was excited and ready. Much more so than the first time we dropped her off, all alone in the dorm. This time her room and the campus were already familiar, and she was surrounded by classmates ready to dive in right beside her. Hard hard for Mama, not so much for my girl. And that’s how it’s supposed to be, praise God.

She has sent lots of pictures since Wednesday: scavenger hunts, team challenges, and community service projects. She’s making lots of friends and looks like she’s loving it. She and her camp group went to a local church this morning together, and classes start bright and early in the morning. Proud of her. But I sure do miss my girl. I’ve spent a lot of time in her room this week, thinking about her, praying for her. (I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying….)

~ for traditions. If you know me, you know I’m big on traditions. Every year on the first day of school, we go to our very favorite snow cone shack in Tyler, Shivers. Tatum K shared her piña colada snow cone with me…she loved her “pink-alada”!

~ for kind friends. Thoughtful friends. For old and new friends. For truth-telling-even-when-it-hurts friends. For tried-and-true, gone-through-the-ringer, here-for-the-mountains-and-the-valleys friends.

~ for steady Giddy up & Whoa work. I truly love to paint, and our little home business is such a blessing to our family. And I needed the diversion. Thursday was even harder than Wednesday with the kids gone. On the first day, taking Carson Grace to Marshall took the whole day. I was too busy to think about anything. (WHICH WAS MERCY). Thursday was a different story. It was a different kind of quiet. Not a TRUE quiet, because Tatum K is a wild little fireball and a constant chatterbox. I know this year will be a sweet time with just my Tater Tot at home. But for now, the empty house is echoey. Too much space. As much as my Tribe drives me crazy and I’m always exhausted with their questions and their squabbles and their needs…they are MY PEOPLE. And I miss them when they’re gone. So anyway, it was a blessing to have 5 sign orders that needed my attention during Tatum’s naptime. And I’m pleased to say I got them all done!

~ for a good evening and meal with Colton. The Littles were thrilled to swim with him and climb all over him. Always good to spend some time with my boy.

~ for a nice start to our Gold Network Toy Drive for the prize closet at Children’s Hospital. A group of sweet ladies all went out and purchased nearly 100 toys and donated them in honor of one of their friend’s birthdays! What a great idea! Last year we donated more than 1400 toys to Children’s. We are collecting toys through the month of September.

~ for excitement brewing over all our upcoming Gold Network events. August 29 is Go Gold Tyler, our annual Childhood Cancer Awareness night on the Tyler Downtown Square. I’ve been reaching out to our cancer families and have been thrilled by the overwhelmingly positive response! It is so special to have all these Hero families together. And then Tyler Gold Run is coming up September 21. For our big 5 year celebration (how can it be 5 years!?) we are thrilled to have added a 10k route and moved to a new, larger park. I am always amazed at how our friends and family and the community rise up in support of all these brave kids and their families. Please consider being a part of these special events, or donating toward the cause.

~and this is just INCREDIBLE! One of our Hero families has a cousin who is an amazing artist. She created an original watercolor painting and has DONATED IT FOR AUCTION TO GOLD NETWORK!!! This priceless painting takes my breath away. Please check out the auction and bid or donate if you feel led. The auction is open until August 29. Click here for details.

~for good baseball memories with my Love. Josh is one of the biggest Texas Rangers fans that has ever lived, and he has passed this passion on to his family. I learned early in our marriage that if I was going to have any quality time with my husband from April until October, I needed to learn to speak baseball. So I asked a few questions, and it was his greatest delight to teach me the ins and the outs of the game. So this week, it was very special to glue ourselves to the TV screen to watch a momentous milestone for our all time favorite player, Josh Hamilton, as he was inducted into the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. Josh is one of the greatest talents to have ever played the game, but we love him because of his story. He has battled drug and alcohol addiction for his entire career, and although he found salvation in Jesus Christ, he has continued to fall back into those self-destructive patterns. But seeing him back on the field, hugging his old teammates, and hearing his bold and honest speech that gave all glory to the God who continued/continues to love him in the midst of his failures….we cried our eyes out. It. Was. Awesome. He closed his 14 minute speech with these words of encouragement for when we get knocked down, “Don’t you dare stay down. The God of the universe sent His Son to die so that we have the right to GET BACK UP IN JESUS!”

Our friend Harold needs your prayers. He was allowed to go home from the hospital Wednesday, only to have hydrocephalus symptoms return Thursday, causing his parents to rush Harold back to Dallas for his FIFTH surgery. Please pray for healing and wisdom for the team of doctors treating him. And for grace and strength for his precious family. Thank you for continuing to lift up the parents and family of sweet Lucas, who went to heaven last week. Someone I love is recovering from a dreadful injury, and 3 family members are battling cancer. So many people hurting. Oh how I hate cancer. Jesus come….

Friends, life is hard. It is hard and good and beautiful and horrible and excruciating and glorious. Live well. Love large. Give freely. Forgive. See people. Pray for one another. Share Jesus.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” John 13:34-35

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV

Sanctification

I am thankful:

~ for creative get-out-of-bed excuses. “Ma-a-a-ma, I need to ask you something? Do chickens fly?”

~for Giddyup & Whoa orders that come right on time. Every single order is a blessing of provision.

~for decadent French toast with orange zest and a crispy crust of cinnamon sugar. I had a new recipe, and it was a resounding hit with the Tribe.

~for the tender hearts of my children. We did not tell them about the senseless tragedies of last weekend. But they are incredibly observant and quickly noticed all the flags lowered to half-staff. When I briefly told them what had happened, they were aghast and IMMEDIATELY asked if we could pray aloud together in the car. First they prayed for the grieving families of the victims, and then began to pray that God would touch the hearts of the shooters, “that they would come to know You Lord, and that they would be sorry for what they have done.”

~for such a special surprise: my sweet friend Meredith blessed Sawyer with one of her impeccably hand-sewn minky puppies! Check out the gold childhood cancer ribbon! If you haven’t checked out My Minky Co, you need to! Thank you Meredith!

~for back-to-school shopping. It’s hard for me to say I’m thankful for this. Not gonna lie. School supplies, shoes, and clothes for six in school is no joke. Just the magnitude this year’s number is intimidating, but sometimes brave is what you are when you don’t have a choice. We tackled the stores as a wild and boisterous unit. My kids opened every shoebox in every store. They showed me every pencil that was ever made. They were pretty good about not “asking” (they had been severely warned) but instead they just exclaimed over and over, “look at this one Mama! Isn’t this one cute? Isn’t this one sweet? This one is awesome! I love this!” I had warned them, don’t ask for everything you see. However, I had forgotten to specify, “don’t show me and describe every detail of everything you see.” School starts Wednesday…I’d estimate that I am 68% done with the supply shopping. And that I am 143% READY to be done. It’s not that I want my kiddos out of the house, it’s just the progression of the season. They are all ready to be done at home and back to their friends. Instinctively they crave the structure and margin of the school setting, even if the appreciation won’t stay with them long.

~for grace for new seasons. I don’t think I can express to you how different my life is going to be with Carson Grace gone to college. She’s my babysitter. My ONLY babysitter. And I have become accustomed to running my errands by myself. I just don’t take my people into stores. I just don’t. A couple of my children have literally been in a store, ANY store, like three times in their lives. It’s just one of those things, that if I didn’t have to go with an entourage, I didn’t. Well now, that luxury is over for the most part. Six little people at the grocery store. Six little people shopping for shoes. Six little people in the return line at Walmart. It’s just a different season. But you know what… WE SURVIVED! I’m not trying to say it was relaxing and poetic and my favorite way to spend my time. But nobody backflipped off the shelves, and I didn’t lose any of them. So I’m going to call it a win. I think I’m going to be getting a lot of use out of my “big girl panties” this year.

~thankful to have my girl back, even if it’s only briefly. Carson Grace finished up her mini-mester class at ETBU, and I drove with the Tribe to pick her up on Friday. Everyone was thrilled to see her, and excited to get to check out her new room at the dorm. She goes back for real on Wednesday. I’m thankful for the Lord’s kindness to allow us to have a more gradual “letting go.”

She even sent me a “First Day of School” picture!

~for a fun night at Meet the Cougars. At this yearly fall school event, each high school athletic team is highlighted to get people hyped for the school year. Very excited to see Cooper’s #19 jersey come out of the football tunnel. He’s so excited about his freshman year. Can’t wait to watch him play!

~for Sawyer’s fun time at his Kindergarten picnic. He got to see old friends and meet some new ones, and went on a scavenger hunt on the school playground. So proud of my brave boy and how excited he is for kindergarten. Here come the tears again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him every day. He just makes life so bright. I hope I never outgrow the utter awe I feel when I look at him, knowing all he has overcome.

~for God’s Word spoken straight to the heart. Sometimes it just pierces in such a powerful way. The message this morning was on sanctification. Being redeemed, made holy, and set apart. Brother Alvin, our dear friend and visiting missionary from Honduras, referenced offering someone a cup of water in a filthy glass. I long to be set apart for God. Sanctified by His blood so that He can use me for His purposes. But how often I come as a dirty vessel. With unforgiveness. With my own agenda. With short-sighted expectations of my Father’s ability. I long to set an example for my children of being set apart. Called higher. Called to be in the world but not of it. To love with the sacrificial supernatural love of Christ. How much more useful we are when we do it God‘s way. And what a stumbling block we are when we insist on our own way. The message hit me right between the eyes today. Lord, cleanse me and sanctify me as a vessel of honor.

Friends, sweet Lucas went to be with Jesus yesterday. Now he is whole and healed and forever free from cancer. And now his family is broken-hearted to have to live without him. His suffering is over, and theirs has intensified. Please, please pray. Our lives will go on…theirs will never EVER be the same again. And while they do have the blessed assurance that they will see their boy again one day, today…today there is unspeakable pain.

Love one another well. Hold tight to your people and don’t skip the extra story and the 14th snuggle. Forgive when you don’t think you should have to, and give more than you think is necessary. Life is a vapor. You won’t regret it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 20:7

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.” John 17:15-19

Letting Go

I am thankful:

~ for the beginning of football season. Is it really the beginning of football season already? Well, Cooper started two-a-days this week, so that meant we were up before the sun. And even though I was in a coma as I drove him, I still appreciated taking in the glorious sunrise. And I love seeing Cooper with a goal in mind. That kid loves him some football!

~for a great time at the Football Moms’ Clinic. It’s a special time for moms to learn a little more about the game and focus on our boys. To sit at their football locker and pray over the upcoming season. To share a meal with other football moms and our sons. It’s always such a sentimental night for me. I attended my first Moms’ Clinic 6 years ago when Colton was a freshman, with Sawyer in my belly. I missed the next year because Sawyer and I were in the hospital, in the critical early stages of his chemotherapy treatment, and the coaches and moms were so kind to us with notes of encouragement. The next 2 years attending with Colton were super special, and now I’ve had a couple years off with no high school football player. So to sit beside my Cooper, who gets taller and more handsome daily, as he starts his freshman year of football, I couldn’t be more proud and thankful.

~ for the opportunity to give blood in honor of an amazing warrior boy. Luke’s birthday was Wednesday, but this year he celebrated it in heaven with Jesus. His family chose to celebrate his life and his memory by encouraging people to donate the gift of life. You may have heard that there is a nationwide blood shortage. Kids with cancer require frequent blood transfusions throughout treatment. Sawyer had dozens. So I was thankful for the opportunity to participate and tell the techs about Luke and about Sawyer. If you can, GO DONATE BLOOD!

~ for a fun, albeit way too short, visit from Uncle Mike and Cousin Kenedy. We got some great snuggles and lots and lots of giggles. My favorite was hearing Kenedy ask for “Clipper” (Cooper).

~ for those rare moments when God allows us to see purpose past our pain. So often we cling to what we want, not knowing He has something far greater. Sometimes we have to let go of what WE THINK we need so that we can receive His BEST!

~for the most amazing honor! Our friends from Minnesota, the Franz’s, shared amazing news. Their 10 year old son, Andrew, participated in the Pinky Swear Foundation Triathlon for childhood cancer, IN SAWYER’S HONOR! Andrew completed a 100 yard swim, 3 mile bike course, and a half mile run. We hope he heard us cheering for him all the way from Texas!

~ for a happy happy birthday for our sweet Zoe Girl. I still can’t wrap my mind around how much our little Brown-eyed girl has grown up. I remember meeting her: 18 months old, bitsy tiny, big watering wide eyes, and absolutely SILENT. She refused to be put down, and Carson Grace carried her so much she wore a sore on her hip. Today Zoe is bubbling with life, dancing and singing everywhere she goes. She is a silly goose and loves to use her imagination. She loved her waffles with sprinkles and whipped cream for breakfast and chose red velvet cupcakes for her cake. Happy birthday ZoZo!

~ for a (hopefully) win-win-win-win situation. We had friends who needed to find homes for some kittens. We had another friend who had been wanting a guinea pig. Our kids really wanted a kitten. Our Dad was anti-kitten, but EXTREMELY in favor of parting with our guinea pig. So much so, that he was willing to acquiesce to a kitten if it meant re-homing the pig. So bottom line, we traded a pig for a kitten. Meet Miss Stella. Bear is PASSIONATELY EXCITED about his new “sister.”

Last night, we were in battle mode. Last minute list checking and Walmart runs. Pack? Keep? Memory box? Toss? We watched Carson Grace’s eternal tornado of a bedroom slowly transform into a stack of boxes and bags and suitcases. Saying goodnight was different. I knew it wasn’t going to be her last night to sleep in her room. But it’s not ever going to be the same. Most likely, whenever she comes back, it will be for a visit. Not to stay. She’ll always have a home to come back to here, but she really may move on and move out for good instead of ever coming back here to stay. Ever my daughter, she was highly sentimental, and we shared lots of tears and sweet words with one another before we settled to bed. I will always treasure those moments with my girl. Today was our hard day. We knew it was coming, and we have worked hard to get ready for this point. Josh and I drove Carson Grace to Marshall and got her all set up in her new dorm room. We rearranged the furniture and mounted her built-to-order Giddyup & Whoa sign over her bed.

We hung her clothes and arranged her mountains of shoes. We set up her coffee bar and had a coffee-making lesson. It turned out absolutely darling, and she loves her personal little oasis.

If this week seems early to start college, it is. Carson Grace starts her 1 week mini-mester class in the morning, and then she’ll be home one more weekend before school starts for real. We are so happy for her, and so proud. We feel great about the environment she’s going to be in, and we know that she never belonged to us, but to God. But I gotta tell you. In spite of all those healthy, grounded, mature FACTS THAT WE WHOLE-HEARTEDLY BELIEVE…all that goes out the window when you drive away from the building where you just left your baby girl by herself. Did we teach her enough? Is she going to make good friends? Is she going to work hard? Is she going to be lonely? We did the best we could the last 18 years, and we made a ton of mistakes along the way. But it’s time to let go and release her with our blessing. And now it’s her turn. To chose. To stand. And I know God’s got her, like He always has, and that she’ll be ok through the good choices and the bad, the sweet times and the heartbreaks. I really do know she’s gonna be ok. I do. But tonight….tonight my house is a little too quiet without the sweet whisper of a ukulele and my favorite voice coming from the door at the end of my kitchen. And my heart feels like a big chunk is gone. Tonight I’m giving myself permission to be sad and miss my girl.

Please continue your faithful prayers for our dear friends Harold and Lucas and their families. God is, and always will be, bigger than cancer. Bigger that anything we fear. Bigger than than anything we face.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance on you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24, 26