I Thank God

I am thankful:

~ for a beautiful fall. Texas isn’t known for colorful autumn foliage, but I think it’s splendid around here myself! These views just don’t get old.

~ for rain. I really love the rain, especially listening to it on the metal casita roof.

~ for a fun night for the girls at their first Homecoming Barn Dance. Aren’t they lovely?

~ for a productive Gold Network ETX Board meeting. The men and women on our Board are truly a gift to me, each one bringing unique perspective and talent to the table. So thankful for friends who share the vision!

~ for my hardworking kids. I’m so proud of how much they have learned since we’ve bought the farm. They have learned to use most tools, many of them completely independently. This week they helped Dad replace a pump on the pond fountain, build a cover for the pump, and hang more finish trim on the barn. They never cease to amaze me.

~ for days when homework looks like this.

~ for sweet Birdie recovering from her spay surgery. No more puppies for this mama. Also, sometimes my kids are strange.

~ for a tasty steak dinner and a date with my sweetheart. Love that we are still dating after 25 years.

My pastor said something in his sermon this morning that I immediately wrote down. I’m sure I’ve heard it before, but today it just really resonated in my heart.

“That’s how He found me, but that’s not how He left me.”

I think of the condition I was in when I found the Lord. WHAT A MESS! Lost, lonely, disillusioned, aimless. Equal parts ashamed and afraid. I was no good to nobody.

But God.

My girls have a favorite song that they learned at Pine Cove camp over the summer. It’s one of those songs that has a pounding beat that gets right into your pulse, and the lyrics make you want to SHOUT.

“He picked me up, He turned me around
He placed my feet on solid ground
I thank the Master, I thank the Savior
Because He healed my heart
He changed my name
Forever free, I’m not the same
I Thank the Master, I Thank the Savior
I thank God”

(Check out the full song here.)

Tonight I’m just filled with gratitude to my loving, redemptive Father who met me in my mess.

“That’s how He found me, but that’s not how He left me.“

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.” (Psalms 40:1-3)

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 11:19)

It All Matters

I am thankful.

For a beautifully exhausting week.

There’s nothing like Gold Run week. It’s emails and errands, yard signs and donation pickups, tv interviews and newspaper interviews and over-the-phone interviews. It’s checklists and double-checking lists and oh-my-goodness-I-nearly-forgot.

And life is also relentlessly happening. School and cross country and football, goats and chickens and too many puppies, laundry and dishes and lots of cereal and frozen pizzas for dinner.

And then it’s here.

Gold Run day was glorious. The weather was perfection. We had a bounty of volunteers. The park filled with HEROES and their Tribes of supporters, runners and walkers and watchers.

It means the world to these families (myself included) to experience the love and encouragement of people who show up to stand beside them and publicly support. One HERO mama said it best, “It was fun and I was so proud of my bunch. A 5K seems like such a small thing but it was a ‘suck it, cancer!’ event for us.”

Watching HEROES cross the finish line. Watching triumphant families celebrating the lives of their child. Watching weary, battle-scarred moms and dads and grandparents push through the fog to prove that their child’s battle means something. Watching tearful parents walking to honor the memory of the child whose only physical presence there was on our Wall and in their hearts. ETX Gold Run is so special. My heart is full.

And just like that, it’s done.

September is almost over. Pumpkin Spice is back, temps are dropping (outside of Texas anyway), and everyone is ready for fall.

Please don’t let all the GOLD fade away for a whole year. Keep having conversations. Donate. Reach out to a family. Volunteer. These kids deserve a voice and a chance at a normal life. It really does matter.

BUT IT ALL MATTERS.

Whatever is your personal passion. Or the real life, everyday work/school/kids/dishes/carpool that doesn’t feel like passion at all.

Run your race.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)

The Lord gently (sometimes abruptly) reminds me that I must both give thanks for and always be in prayer over all of it. ALL of it. My marriage, my kids, my responsibilities, and all that Gold Network is.

It’s all His.

Lord, it’s all Yours. Your ministry. Let me seek You everywhere and find You there. Let me honor You and reflect You in whatever it is I’m doing.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.” (Psalms 107:21-22)

Right on Time

I am thankful.

All I can say is that God showed up.

He always does, but like I talked about last week, sometimes we forget. But God.

He is always right on time.

It’s been weeks and weeks and weeks of drought and oppressive, blistering temperatures across Texas. The ground is cracked, aching for moisture. Once green grass is now crispy, scorched.

Isn’t it interesting how we sometimes begin to look like our environment.

I have felt lost, dry, thirsty.

Searching for answers, searching for peace. Desperately searching.

I only need to be desperate for HIM.

In Him are all the answers. In Him is my rest. In Him is the peace I thirst for.

He is always right on time.

This afternoon the sky began to darken. A while later, a low murmur of thunder echoed from afar. I was working in the barn, kids playing in the background. We all began to pray and ask Jesus to bring the rain. I began to sing and a couple of them chimed in, “Let it rain, let it pour from heaven. Let it rain, to revive my soul…”

Nothing.

The temperature dropped slightly a couple hours later, and the wind began to pick up.

Finally…I could hear drops, one at a time, begin to scatter loudly on the metal barn roof. One ran out from the casita screaming, “IT’S RAINING!!!!!” In an instant, it was a full on rainstorm, pouring, thundering, becoming deafening on our metal roof. Soon we were all outside. We, like undoubtably countless others across East Texas, couldn’t stop ourselves from getting IN IT. Soaking up the goodness of God and praising Him.

He’s always right on time.

Josh had chores to do, animals to put up for the night. “Let me find you an umbrella,” I called out. “I don’t need one,” he said with a smile in his eyes, “I want to enjoy it.”

Once chores were done, kids dried off and settled, he and I stepped outside to literally soak up the last moments of the waning shower. It was glorious. The air smelled clean, the rain was cold. We stood there, letting ourselves be washed. Thankful.

We both knew it was more than the weather we were experiencing.

He is always right on time.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

“Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms. He gives showers of rain to all people, and plants off the field to everyone.” (Zechariah 10:1)

“Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”” (Hosea 6:3)

I Didn’t Want to go to Church Today.

I didn’t want to go to church today.

Just being honest. And I bet you’ve all been there.

This week has been hard. We are going through a hard season. Not “my-baby-has-cancer” hard, but still hard. And sometimes when you’ve been through an unfathomably hard season like that, you struggle with guilt in the “regular-sized” hard seasons. Like somehow surviving a truly devastating trial should have made you immune to struggle for the rest of your life.

I should have rock solid faith.

I should be unshakeable.

I write about gratitude every single week. It should come naturally.

All those things may well be true. But life happens. Strength wanes. Perspective skews. Like the constant pounding of waves against a shoreline, bravery gets eroded little by little by the relentless pounding of the daily grind.

The Texas heat this summer is oppressive. The earth is scorched and panting for rain. Doesn’t it feel like it will be like this forever? Don’t you sometimes wonder if it will ever rain again? Sometimes our hearts can feel like that dry, parched desert. It’s so easy to forget the well-watered seasons of plenty. And you best believe the day will come when we will once again find ourselves complaining of the cold, or how inconvenient the rain can be.

So anyway, recent circumstances left me feeling dried up, weary, and defeated. And this morning, staying in bed with the covers over my head sounded a lot more appealing than pulling myself together and putting on a forced brave face at church.

But God.

My perfect Father, as any good dad would, reminded me that hiding was not the answer, that fellowship in His House with His people was exactly what I needed.

And wouldn’t you know it? Why was I surprised that the sermon met me right where I was? The story of Peter, who had walked in person side by side with Jesus. Who had heard the Words of Life spoken directly from the lips of the Savior, and who experienced miracle after miracle from the One he called Friend. This man had every reason to ALWAYS be FULL OF FAITH. He KNEW Jesus.

He’d fed the 5000 with Jesus. He’d seen the dead raised and the sea stilled. And now he was walking upon the water, toward Jesus, looking straight into His eyes!

Yet he doubted.

He got scared.

For a moment, he forgot all he had seen, all he had learned. He started focusing on what he (Peter) could do instead of what Jesus could do.

Isn’t that where we go wrong?

He is able. He is faithful. He is good. He is WORKING. He is reaching for you.

Wherever you find yourself today, in a season of rest, of joy, of peace, or one of deep darkness, grief, and loneliness. A season of frustration with minor inconveniences or one of truly life altering catastrophe. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to not be brave sometimes.

Just don’t quit.

God often does His best work in the dark. He is drawing something out of you, building something into you, something for your good and for His glory. Refreshing is coming.

My circumstances haven’t changed. But at least my eyes are back where they’re supposed to be.

On Him.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalms 94:18-19)

““Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”” (Matthew 14:29-31)

“O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.” (Psalms 63:1)

Summer’s End

I am thankful:

~ for another sweet Birthday Girl! Our Brown-Eyed-Girl, Zoe, had a great day. Zoe is our quiet one, easily letting herself slip into the background. But she loves that on her birthday, she is the star! And we all enjoyed her menu of choice – dad’s grilled hamburgers and salad, followed by rich chocolate layer cake. Excited to see what God has in store for our girl.

~ for precious puppies. Birdie is such a good mama. And thankful for a comfy spot for me to nest with them for the next few weeks.

~ for lots and lots of projects. There is never a lack of things to work on here on the farm. Last summer was spent building the barn, and this year we still have plenty to do to make this place our little haven. I love that the kids can jump right in. They are learning so much, far beyond the useful and practical skills they THINK they’re learning.

~ for our latest additions to the barnyard and companions for Clarence: our geese, Jack and Diane, and new duck, Leroy.

~ for some divine dining with my love.

~ for the opportunity to be a part of a special wedding of some dear friends. I’m no florist, but I jumped into that role in a leap of faith, and had the most wonderful time. It was a lovely wedding, beautifully put together but not overdone. No pomp. No ego-maniacal bridezilla desperate for the spotlight. Just a delightful couple in love with Jesus and each other, with a fiercely supportive close-knit family supporting them. The simple elegance of this family and the blissfully old-fashioned sentiment of the day will linger with me long after the fragrance of the peonies and eucalyptus have faded. (But what a lovely scent indeed!)

~ thankful to celebrate my retirement from the wedding business.

~ for lingering beauty and crops hanging on despite the drought. Almost everything is desperately fading and crispy, but our little sweet corn harvest is getting close, and one stunning cosmos continues to show off. I love this bright spot in the garden.

Summer is quickly fading away. I don’t ever remember a busier summer. Ever. It makes me crave simplicity. A slower pace. I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever achieve with our supersized Tribe and supersized schedule, but I know that simplifying is more of a heart condition than anything else. Shaking off the extras and holding fast to what really matters. And married to MY HUSBAND, a “slower pace” isn’t going to mean sitting in my rocking chair. It will be more like sitting beside him on the scaffolding hanging soffit. And coffee. Always coffee.

But there’s no place I’d rather be.

Whatever season you find yourself: glorious mountaintop or lonely valley, busier than busy or quieter than quiet, there is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalms 46:10)

July 23

It’s not a day we celebrate.

But it’s a day we never ever forget.

Cancerversary.

How can this day still knock me out year after year? I cannot express how much I hate that I am still FLATTENED every July 23. There is such a huge part of me that sneers, “Get over it! He’s here! He’s fine! It’s in the past! Thank God for his healing and move on!”

We have SO MUCH that we praise God for! They said he wouldn’t survive the day. BUT GOD! We have our beautiful boy, and 9 years later he is still here living his best life!

But on July 23, I just stay stuck. Stuck reliving every shell-shocked moment of that day. It’s like re-watching a movie when the worst part is about to happen. I want to shout at the unsuspecting characters what I know is coming, “Watch out! You’re about to be hit by a train!”

That is always what I go back to. We never saw it coming. We had no idea that life as we knew it was about to end and would never ever be the same. July 23, 2014 BC. Before Cancer. The steel toe kick to the stomach and the concrete truck sitting on my chest.

The emotions of cancerversary remind me to give thanks and to love big because you never what what’s around the corner.

They remind me that I’m not who I was 9 years ago, and I never will be. Cancer changed my DNA and that’s ok.

They remind me that even though I will never ever understand why this happened to my baby, God is big enough for my questions, my hurt, my anger, and even my unbelief.

They remind me that out of the worst and darkest season of our life were birthed some of the deepest, most genuine and priceless relationships we could never have expected and that would never have developed any other way. And that Sawyer and his story have touched more hearts and opened more doors for the Gospel to go forth than we will ever know.

I didn’t remind Sawyer the significance of this date today. As he has gotten a little older, his emotions have gotten bigger, and I can tell he’s starting to wrestle through some feelings he can’t fully understand. He asks more questions about cancer. About death. I don’t want to stir anything up unnecessarily. He didn’t even notice that I stared at him a little more today, hugged him a little tighter and a little longer, or that I left my sunglasses on even when it wasn’t bright.

I am thankful and I am broken. I am strong. And I am so, so tired of being strong.

Today at church, I wrapped my arms around Sawyer (probably a little too tight) as he stood in front of me during worship. I could feel his little chest rise and fall, and the vibration of each word as he sang from a pure and innocent heart, “I love You Lord for Your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands. From the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, I will sing of the goodness of God.”

And I know he really means it. And so do I. God really is good, all the time. Even when we don’t understand.

I pray I will one day be free of all fear and dread. That one day I will stop holding my breath. That I will allow myself to imagine Sawyer growing up to be a man. And I pray that I will not transfer any of my burdens onto my beautiful son; that my hangups will never hold him back from all the Lord has for his life.

I look forward to the day when Jesus will wipe away every tear, and no child will ever again be diagnosed with or lost to cancer.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”” (Mark 9:24)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.” (1 Samuel 1:27-28)

Garner

I am thankful:

(First of all, I’m so sorry I dropped the ball last week with Sunday Gratitude. May be the first Sunday I have missed in almost 10 years! The mid-week holiday threw me for a loop, and I never could quite figure out what day it was! Especially since we were preparing for the week ahead…)

This picture can only mean ONE THING!

It was vacation week! This year’s destination was a highly anticipated trip to memory lane. Josh grew up most of his childhood traveling to the Frio River at Garner State Park.

One of the most desirable state parks in Texas, Garner is a time capsule, harkening back to a simpler era. The setting is breathtakingly beautiful, with chiseled limestone cliffs towering above crystal clear icy water.

The night sky defies description. Took my breath away. (Photo via Garner FB)

White rock beaches line the river’s edge and periodically among the towering cypress trees, you can spot long, rugged ropes, beckoning you to climb up and take a flying leap into the sparkling Frio below.

After a day of baking in the Texas heat, what better way to end each evening than with country dancing! Like a scene from a movie, string lights hang from an ancient live oak over the iconic dance pavilion built in the 1930s, and country classics croon from an “old-timey” jukebox. Josh was astounded that not a thing had changed in the 28 years since he’d last visited the park.

Can you spot young Josh in this 1980s postcard photo?

The week was incredible + hot + exhilarating + exhausting.

So grateful for a lifetime of memories made. (Hated that we were missing Colton this week, but he is actually in ALASKA on a work assignment!)

Quotes from the week:

Regarding sleeping in the tent on Night 1, “It’s so hot in here…the only option…is to die!” Tatum K

When we found out someone called a dance partner by the wrong name, “Well, in my fence, it was really loud.” Gavin

As soon as a song started playing at the dance, “Well…time for my charm!” Sawyer

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

A Spring Break to Remember

I am thankful for a busy and blessed Spring Break!

Lord, thank You for these amazing kids that go with the flow.

Thank You for my Energizer-Bunny of a husband.

And thank You for hard work and good fun and days that we will never forget.

Thank You Father, for leading us and stretching us and for giving us the courage to do hard things, unconventional things, uncomfortable things, and embrace the unknown.

As for this week…you wouldn’t believe me if I told you…

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.” (Proverbs 16:3)

Unlikely

Y’all, do you know one of the things that is just so awesome about God? With him, nothing is impossible. He loves to flip the script and shake up all our paradigms and small in-the-box expectations. His specialty is the unlikely.

That is such a picture of my life. (and of course I know it’s a picture of many others…most others in fact… But of course my own life is just my personal frame of reference.)

We see

He saw

We see

He saw

We see

He saw

I know who I was. I know where I came from. I know what I’ve done. LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED in every area.

BUT GOD.

He still sees me as His precious child, made in His image to praise Him and bring Him glory.

I know what I can do… and it’s not much to speak of. I know what I can’t do, and the list is a mile long.

BUT GOD.

He sees Jesus, what Jesus can do, and what Jesus CAN’T do (NOTHING!)

God specializes in hand-picking the most unlikely, the most shocking, the most broken individuals.

Moses, the murderous hothead

Rahab, the prostitute

Sarah, the barren doubter

David, the murderer, adulterer

Paul, persecutor of the Church

Do you see yourself in that category? Do you think you are beyond reach? Unlovable? Unsalvageable? Too hard, too lost, too far gone? Perfect. You are right where He wants you. (and if you don’t identify with that category, you might want to look a little closer)

Humbly thankful for a God who never gives up and for a Savior who gave all.

Thank You Lord, for inviting us to a place at Your table.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”” (Mark 2:16-17)

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”” (Matthew 19:26)

Better

I am thankful.

Thank you for all the kindness after last week’s post. The best part about last week was when it was OVER! But God. He is always good, and His peace can reign regardless of our circumstances, if we will invite Him in.

This week has been better!

~ thankful for a great start to it, which just happened to be my birthday! I was blessed and encouraged by many well-wishers, and was treated to the most lovely luncheon at one of the most charming spots in Carthage!

~ treated to my very favorite coconut meringue pie!

~ blessed by gorgeous flowers from one of my sweet boys,

~ and a wonderful grownups only dinner with my Love.

~ also extremely grateful my Facebook hack incident was quickly cleared up and all accounts restored. Social media is such a mixed blessing, but is still the most effective means of running a small business and promoting a nonprofit, so it was pretty stressful having it all shut down.

~ for a marathon of happy Gotcha Days! 9 pups have gone home to their forever families! Just one lonely little boy left looking for his home!

~ for an entertaining evening watching Samantha’s 7th/8th grade drama presentation of “You Can’t Take it With You.” Sam was on the tech crew running lights and did a great job.

~ for a quick sign order! Giddyup & Whoa is semi-retired from reclaimed wood signs because of our transition of rent house to the farm, but I still do some handlettering when I get the chance. I was glad I had an unpainted sign on hand for someone who needed a gift!

~ for the beauty of spring springing all around East Texas. I was tickled to find these bright yellow daffodils that popped up at the farm. I love spring!

~ for an epic ending to Sawyer’s basketball season. His team played so well! They came away with a victory, and Sawyer scored twice (his first baskets of the season!). To say the boys were thrilled is a great understatement. It’s been so fun to watch the progress. At the beginning of the season, none of the kids new any of the rules, and Game 1 was more of a hands on lesson taught by the ref. But they had a fabulous (volunteer aka a dad who got volun-TOLD) who was patient and kind. And while they still lost most of their games, they never seemed discouraged or frustrated…because win or lose, they were actually HAVING FUN! It was a wonderful first basketball experience for Sawyer, and the big victory was icing on the cake!

As we turn another calendar page this week, I’m acutely aware of how quickly the days are flying by. Spring is coming, the world is waking up from its winter sleep, and new life is cropping up everywhere. This spring will see lots of change for our family as we prepare for another move and get the next Rucker ready to graduate high school. My heart is stirring with all the fresh change we are marching toward.

I’m not ready.

Thankfully God is. He has gone before. He has prepared a place. He is preparing all our hearts. And He will go with us.

And His grace will meet us there.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”” (Exodus 33:14)

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” (Psalms 139:7-10)