Because He First Loved Us

I’m just so sad.

I’m overwhelmed with sadness.

I’m sad to hear story after story of hatred and brutality and discord, and watch angry lines be drawn and sides taken.

I’m sad to hear of abuses of power and people who are either too afraid or too numbed to stand up for what is right.

I’m sad to hear people make broad critical judgments about “ALL” of any group of people.

I’m sad thinking about what the future will be like for my children. And for children everywhere.

I’m sad to read more stories of more and more people turning away from their faith, because they don’t understand how a loving God “lets this stuff happen over and over again.”

I am a white, middle aged, middle class Christian female. I am a stay at home mom. I am a mother of nine. I am an adoptive parent. I am a cancer mom. Just because we don’t have any or all of those things in common, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be able to relate to one another. We are humans. We have hopes and dreams and fears for ourselves and our children.

I don’t think any of us are called to be “color blind.” We SHOULD see our world in color. We just need to see all color as beautiful and valuable. I am a Christian. I love Jesus with all my heart, and I believe in the Bible and everything it says. And there are people who disagree with me. And I think we can still be friends. We may not worship together, but we can walk side-by-side. And if you are thirsty, I will share my water with you. And it’s my responsibility to live and act in such a way that you would feel safe to share yours with me.

Love is a verb. Love is a choice. If we are called to love our neighbor as ourselves (which we are), then what hurts my neighbor hurts me. Whether that hurt comes from a cancer diagnosis, the loss of a child, the loss of a job because of Covid 19, or racial inequality.

Thursday morning I sat down with my Littles, and talked to them about the value and beauty of people of every color. About the value of being kind to people we don’t agree with. And about the importance of standing up for what is right, whether or not anyone else will stand up.

I was so blessed when I asked them what they would do if they saw someone was getting picked on or bullied or hurt. They all replied immediately in unison, “PRAY!”

I will try to do everything I can to raise kind humans who will love others with the love of Christ, who will be friends to the lonely, and who will reach out to the kid who is alone at a lunch table or gets picked last on the kickball team. I pray that they will grow up to be peacemakers and bridge builders looking for the common ground instead of picking at differences.

I am sad. But I have hope. BUT GOD.

And because God is worthy of praise regardless of circumstances, I will give thanks.

I am thankful:

~ for perfectly sweet, drip-down-your-chin fresh peaches.

~ for progress in the kitchen. I was super bummed that new countertops will not work with the backsplash I lovingly and painstakingly handpainted 2 years ago. But it’s fine. So thankful for my husband’s remodeling skills.

~ for the sound of my children’s voices worshipping.

~ for my belated-because-of-shipping Mother’s Day gift from Colton.

~ for ice cream.

~ for wonderful neighbors.

~ for tiny but tasty nibbles from our garden to add into our salads.

~ for my sweet kids who rub my hair when I have a headache.

~ for the Vintage & Company Gresham Barn Sale coming up Wednesday through Saturday. Excited to have several Giddyup & Whoa pieces for sale tucked in among the unique and charming vintage finds at the barn. And honored that the Early Bird entrance fees on Wednesday will benefit Gold Network of East Texas. Come check it out if you are local, you’ll be glad you did!

Let’s love one another well this week. Let’s love our neighbors. Let’s not hide behind social media and throw darts that we wouldn’t say face to face. Let’s look for the good and let’s BE THE GOOD. Let’s treat others BETTER THAN WE THINK THEY DESERVE. Let’s love like Jesus. Because if He can love ME, He really MUST love everybody.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.” (1 John 4:19-21)

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:9-18)

Be Still

I am thankful:

~ for Sawyer’s thrill of chatting with one of his real life heroes. We live very close to a police station, so we regularly have patrol cars on our street. This week, Officer Long stopped to chat, and Sawyer proudly informed her that he was going to be a police officer when he grows up, then excitedly dashed back to the house and drove out of the garage in his little motorized police car. Later it was neat to see his picture shared on the KLTV Instagram page !

~ for Kora’s first job (at 11 years old). After seeing her creative chalk art doodles on our driveway, a neighbor hired Kora to chalk a giant Happy Birthday card for a grandson down our street. What a fun “job!” And my sweet girl used her hard-earned wages to treat us all to Shivers snocones!

~ for hot, delicious elotés, roasted corn ears seasoned with mayonnaise, spices, and cotija cheese. I had never had it before, and I am now a FAN!

~ for our next DIY home project underway. Josh and I love tackling remodeling projects together, and have gradually transformed our kitchen into the kitchen of our dreams over the last 2 1/2 years. The next step is updating the dingy countertops, stained sink, and leaky faucet. Demo has begun! So thankful for such great helpers!

~ for an excellent BIG BOX, and the endless possibilities it contains.

~ for fresh homemade salsa. Just wish we didn’t devour it in 2 hours every time I make it.

~ for a really special NEW PUZZLE! After each puzzle we have completed, the kids have asked if we could frame it. But none of them have been anything we would particularly care to frame. So this time Josh and I put a lot of thought into our next puzzle, and came up with the perfect, meaningful scene. The Texas Rangers stadium, Globe Life Park. Our family loves baseball and love love LOVE the Texas Rangers. We have been to numerous ball games over the last 20 years, and Josh and I experienced our first Rangers game together on one of our first dates. For those of you who are not Texans, a new baseball stadium has recently been built for the Rangers, and while we are thankful that Globe Life Park was not demolished, we will never see another ball game played there. We are so thankful that we were able to take in one last game before the end of the season last year. All that to say, we are excited to have successfully completed this latest puzzle (zero missing pieces!), and look forward to framing and displaying it. (And Mama is DEFINITELY a puzzle ~~hog~~ master.)

~ for a perfect quiet afternoon of yardwork and snow cones & sign builds and puddle jumping.

It’s been a challenging week of parenting. Instead of the jubilant end of school crescendo followed by the thrill of a new blissfully open schedule of free time, there was a strangely anticlimactic transition from “SCHOOLING at home” to “just STAYING home” with more of the same 4 walls and the same 10 faces. Finally after 2 months of wrestling, we had found a schedule that was manageable, and now it too was gone. This has led to “the grumpies” for all of us. During our virtual learning season, I definitely felt much less equipped as a teacher than a mom. And this week I have seriously questioned my capabilities on the mom side as well. How am I supposed to be a loving, godly example to my kids when I am constantly exhausted and pulling my hair out???

BUT GOD.

As He is so faithful to do, Jesus came to my rescue. He spoke to me in His Word, confirmed it in my prayer time, and then reaffirmed His lovingkindness through the encouragement of others.

I am His child. My kids are His children. He loves me like crazy and He loves them like crazy. He’s got a plan for each one of us collectively and individually. And I don’t get to know the plan, and I just have to make peace with that and trust Him with it all.

I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE PERFECT MOTHER. (Insert: WIFE / PERSON / CHRISTIAN / ANYTHING).

I read this reference this week and it has reverberated in my head and my heart. We all know Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” But in the NASB, “Be still” is translated as “Cease striving.” That is SO my natural response to stress and conflict – Striving. Struggling. Fighting. Exerting all my energy to get to a resolution. Doing whatever it takes to get it all done and get to the bottom of every issue.

“Cease striving and know that I am God.”

This stuff is hard. I always say “Capital ‘H’ Hard.” But He designed it that way, or we wouldn’t need Him. If it was even CLOSE to doable, we would just get it done BY STRIVING, and then walk away knowing we were capable in our our strength. Satisfied with being a great parent. Confident in being the perfect spouse. Great teacher. Full of faith.

This pressure is on purpose. It changes us on the inside and the outside. And it brings us to the excruciating and beautiful place of surrendering our own strength and relying on Jesus.

I don’t have to be enough. Because He is enough. I can cease striving and know that He is God.

And He is good at being God.

I thought just maybe somebody besides me needed that reminder this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalms 46:10 NASB)

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,” (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Tipping Point

I am thankful:

~ For class zoom meetings. The kids love getting to see their teachers and their classmates. This week Kora enjoyed dressing up for an early celebration of Cinco de Mayo with her Spanish teacher (and feast on delicious leftover tacos from Colton), and Sawyer got to share his pets with his friends. Zoe proudly demonstrated her science experiment about surface tension.

~ for peace that passes understanding, especially when delivered as a profound lesson taught by my child. This week one of the school chapel songs was a favorite of the kids. As it began to play, Sawyer said excitedly, “I love this song! We’re gonna sing it at my graduation!” Then the realization hit (which I wasn’t sure if he actually knew or not) and he said quietly, “Oh…but I’m not even gonna have my graduation.” I instantly felt hot tears welling in my eyes. Oh, how it hurts this Mama’s heart that he should miss out on this milestone that we never dared to dream he should reach. But almost in the same breath, I heard Sawyer (and all his brothers and sisters) boldly belting out the opening lyrics of the song, “This is the day, that You have made. Whatever comes, I won’t complain. For all my hope is in Your Name, and now Your joy awaits my praise. I give thanks for all You have done. And I will sing of Your mercy and Your love. Your love is unfailing, Lord I am grateful!” His attitude is so much better than mine! He too, is experiencing disappointment, but it is not crippling his JOY! He has proudly memorized Psalm 23 and his little speaking part for a video the school is putting together. When he got all doodled up for the video for his teacher, he was so excited, he never wanted to change out of his “fancy” clothes. How cute was my little pupil working in his bow tie!? He also had the MOST THRILLING visit this week, from his BELOVED teacher, Mrs. Key! She brought him Starbust for being a “STAR” student, and a yard sign that we have proudly displayed in our front yard. Thank You Father for your unspeakable grace.

~ for the gift of music. Kora has been memorizing a passage from 1 Thessalonians, and the words brought to mind a song written by a dear friend. I was able to play it for her, and her eyes just sparkled when she heard God’s Word brought to life in such a fresh new way that she understood so much better. The song is a jubilant anthem looking toward the day when we Believers will all join together with Jesus in the sky. It has been playing in my heart all week.

~ for the sweetest and most thoughtful “teacher appreciation” care package I received in the mail. Thank you to all who have prayed over our story problems. They are still a problem, but I think we will all live to tell the story.

~ for the most unique spring concert experience for Samantha and Kora. Obviously, quarantine and social distancing has made many spring traditions difficult or impossible. But our school creatively found a way for fourth and fifth graders to gather in the parking lot at a safe distance and lift their voices and recorders to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Memorable to be sure. ~ for gorgeous weather. Friday we worked hard to get all schoolwork done before lunch, and we headed to the park around the corner from our house. It is a tucked away spot, and rarely have we run into anyone else there. We spread out our blanket in the shade, and I read to the kids while they ate their picnic. Then it was playground time, and picking wildflowers, and climbing trees. It was a lovely afternoon.

~ for a very special birthday. Colton, our firstborn, the one who made me a Mama, turned 21. When I had Colton, I was so young and naive. He was literally the first baby I ever held, and I was absolutely terrified. I never thought I’d be a mom, but now that I was, I wanted so badly to do it well. I loved him fiercely. Being a mom was the first thing I absolutely knew I could not do on my own, and that brokenness and desperation was what ultimately led me to recognize my need for a Savior. Josh and I have always said that Colton led 2 people to the Lord as a baby, so we have always known God had a special plan for this beautiful boy. He was always a challenging child: strong-willed, always with 2 toes over the boundary lines. We weren’t sure if we (or he) would survive his teen years. We went through some pretty ugly seasons, and more sleepless nights than I can even count. BUT GOD. My boy is growing into a man, and he is finding his way as a respectful, compassionate individual who actually CHOOSES to spend time with him mom and dad. I honestly wasn’t sure we’d ever get there. Now I am freshly convinced that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…” God is always wooing and drawing and working through and behind what we see in front of our eyes. I am so grateful. He came over to hang out and have dinner 4 nights this week, played wiffleball and swam, and watch a movie. We celebrated on his birthday with crescent chicken, sweet potato fries with homemade ranch, and his oh-so-sophisticated dessert choice: confetti cake. Loved celebrating him, celebrating all that God has done, and all that God has in store.

~ for Facebook live concert from Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood. And for dancing to “To Make You Feel My Love” with my husband in the kitchen. We never do that. But in that moment, it was perfect.

~ for gorgeous weather for wiffleball, snake-free walks, and swimming.

~ for a refreshing change of pace. Josh brought home a new puzzle, just 199 pieces. At first I was disappointed, knowing it was way too easy. But the fact that it was a Frozen 2 puzzle meant it would be an instant hit with the Little People, and it was probably time for some quick satisfaction. During nap time I decided to challenge myself, and set a timer. 50 minutes and 38 seconds. Not bad. I think I find puzzles so satisfying in this season because they are a manageable challenge with a clear beginning and end. It is a task that can be concretely completed. The feeling of success. The kids were as thrilled as expected, and finished it almost as quickly as I did. They were sweet and took out the last 3 pieces after they were done, and left them for baby sister. She was so tickled.

Mental health is not a joke. I’ve never hopped on the “self-care“ bandwagon… It usually seems like a license to grossly self indulge, overspend, and let “me time” push to top priority at the expense of others. This is not Jesus’ way, and it shouldn’t be ours. I don’t “need” time with my girlfriends, or to shop, or pamper myself. Any of those things are enjoyable, a great treat, and something to look forward to. But I’ve never seen them as a “need.”

But I got to a tipping point this week. It might sound funny, likely sounds relatable, but it’s just unfiltered truth. I couldn’t remember when I had last showered. I was wearing the same clothes for daytime, to bed, and again the next day, (because WHY NOT?) I glimpsed myself in the mirror (quite by accident, because WHY?) and I hardly recognized myself. I hadn’t bothered to style my hair in days (because WHY?) so my natural not-exactly-straight-not-exactly-wavy-frizzy-and-stylistically-confused hair with it’s unintentional hombre of blonde/brown/silver was taking on a somewhat Einstein-esque quality. I didn’t look like someone who should be caring for children. Let alone someone who should be responsible for anyone’s education.

I am not and was not depressed. But I also realized: I was not ok. I was sleepwalking through my unrecognizable life, even though I was still (mostly) successfully checking all the boxes: morning Bible study✔️ frequent private and shared prayer throughout the day✔️reading aloud to the kids every morning✔️ faithfully keeping kids on the task of completing their daily schoolwork ✔️keeping my house reasonably clean✔️maintaining the illusion to the “outside” that I “had it all together” and that the Ruckers were “ROCKING THE QUARANTINE.”✔️ Another parent said something similar, “We’ve been doing pretty well. But this week, WE HIT A WALL.”

That night after the kids were in bed, I took a bath. I turned on my favorite soft worship playlist and soaked the day off in the hot water and the music. The next day I did my hair and put on a little makeup and changed out of pajamas and put on clothes. (OK so it was actually just changing from one set of loungewear to a nearly identical set of loungewear. A purely lateral move, but at least it was the physical act of changing clothes.) Just putting in the minimal effort to feel like a human. Even something so small and seemingly trivial, I realized how much I had missed the daily reminder of putting on my beautiful handmade gold bracelet inscribed with “it is well.” That afternoon, I took my paints out to a semi-shaded spot in the driveway and worked on a sign while listening to the birds with a gentle breeze on my face.

It wasn’t magic. I still stink at math. In fact, one of my ANONYMOUS “students” shouted disdainfully at me this week after checking a problem, “HA! You were WRONG!” And other told me, “You’re not THAT bad, you just need a little help from a REAL teacher.” BUT…the slight shift of my focus to putting a little effort into myself was a mood lifter. It also made my husband smile. And maybe if I wasn’t a BETTER teacher, at least I didn’t look like such a scary one.

Wherever you are, however you are handling your situation and your trials, God sees you. He has promised not to leave you or forsake you. You are not alone. He may not take the fire away, but He will stand in it with you. It’s ok to take care of yourself, and give yourself grace. If you are slipping, call out to Jesus. Call out to a friend. And it’s ok to admit that you’re not ok. If your faith is in yourself, it was in the wrong place anyway. Remember who you are and more importantly, WHOSE you are. We are all in this together. And then look for the blessings around you. They are there.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:3-6)

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalms 42:1-5)

“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a shout, and the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will be the first ones to rise to meet the Lord. Then we who are alive will be looking to the skies. And we’ll be caught up there with our brothers in the clouds. I just wish it were now.” (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18, paraphrased by Randy Skiles)

Pearls

I am thankful:

~ for a fun surprises. Our Children’s pastor popped by to say hello and drop off bubbles for all the kids. Then another friend dropped off a box of hand-me-downs for Tatum K. And we had another porch drop-off, a handmade large scale Yatzee game (“Yard-zee”) with the sweetest note! I am so blessed by how thoughtful and kind people have been to come up with ways to be an encouragement during this season.~ for the Lord’s protection. The kids and I had our daily walk, down to the end of our road and back. On our way back, the kids rode on ahead of me, and I thought I saw something on the road. As I got closer, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing was real: a MASSIVE snake, no less than 6 feet long, stretched out right where we had walked minutes before. My knees immediately started shaking, but I quickly passed it with Tatum K in her stroller (not before snapping a quick picture of it first of course!)

~ for sweet moments in the midst of school.

~ for the leading of the Holy Spirit. Wednesday, Tatum K suddenly came down with a fever, and said “her feelings hurted.” My mind didn’t go anywhere completely crazy. We’ve been quarantined faithfully, I actually wasn’t worried about “IT.” But I did not relish the thought of a house full of sick kids on lockdown. We established a quarantine within our quarantine in our bedroom for her, and kept her away from all the other children. Changed my clothes EVERY time I held her, and re-washed ALL the bed linens every day. On day three, as I was getting her ready for bed, I noticed a faint rash across her back and groin area, and my stomach dropped. I immediately made arrangements to take her in to Dr. Everett the next day. We had our first experience with an outdoor pediatrician appointment. And sure enough: strep throat + scarlet fever, just like Sawyer had almost 2 months ago. We can’t imagine how she got it. I can’t believe it could still be living on a surface from that long ago, especially with how much sanitizing I’ve been doing. It’s baffling. But so thankful that we caught it quickly. Already after just a couple doses of antibiotics, she is fully recovered. Her “feelings are betta now” and she is back to her spunky, sassy self.~for our very first FULLY INTACT, completed 1000 piece puzzle! It was glorious! Now, there was some mischievous tomfoolery surrounding the last couple days of completion… a couple of my smarty-pants kids thought it would be funny to steal a piece or two. But eventually they were all recovered. It was a thrilling victory.

~ for our pups. Whether they are at my side when I paint, crowding their way on the hammock when I am trying to have a quiet moment, or chasing each other around and over the furniture, they keep us smiling.

~ for the deep sigh of relief after I make it through another of the kids’ math problems. Seriously though. Who invented story problems? I don’t think he was a very nice guy. The best part of every day is the moment when I no longer have to be a math teacher.

~for three kids who were able to receive their Superior Cougar Fitness awards via an online meeting with their teacher and receive a printable copy of their certificates. I’m so grateful that the school is doing everything they can to accommodate for special memories for the students during this strange time of separation.

~ again for wonderful and good-natured neighbors. One morning the kids came in from outside shrieking, “We found a turtle!“ They were thrilled and instantly began creating a turtle habitat. The next day, they were eager to show it off to our neighbors, who promptly exclaimed, “That’s OUR turtle! We found it yesterday!” And so, the turtle was returned to his rightful “finder keepers.“ But after some chatting back-and-forth, it seems that they have all agreed to shared custody. Poor little fella. He sure wandered into the wrong yard! TWICE!

~ for the most gorgeous weather! The kids have swam a couple of times – it’s really NOT warm enough for swimming, but they don’t really care. It’s been perfect weather for our walks, wiffle ball tournaments, for washing the car, and daily picnics.

~ for a wonderful day of celebration. One of our Gold Network of East Texas heroes celebrated her last chemotherapy this week after two years of treatment for leukemia. To celebrate, her family arranged for a drive-through celebration. What a joyful day! GLORY TO THE LORD!

~ for 90% completion of the DIY project from last week. We had painted the mudroom not long ago with a homemade mix of some leftover paint we had on hand, and we never loved it. And the paint we had used on the mudroom door had never cured. So we gave the room a fresh coat of soft gray paint (replacing the wanna-be-grey-but-actually-more-like-baby-blue color) and the door was first peeled, then primed, then painted navy, then white (in 18 hours) before we finally landed on the right shade of medium warm gray. Josh ripped out some non-functional builtins from our mudroom and replaced them with new lockers that I then antiqued to look like a vintage find!

It was a fun, lightning-fast project, and we love the way it turned out! We still have a bit of touch up to do, and I have a new idea I want to try out, but it’s almost done. I have loved transforming this space into one of the most practical and hard-working rooms in our home.

~ for an ABSOLUTE FEAST! Colton came over and cooked for us! He has learned how to cook his favorite authentic Mexican tacos, and gave his ole’ Mom a cooking lesson! They were without a doubt, the MOST DELICIOUS tacos I have ever eaten! I could not have been more impressed. Both by the tasty meal my son prepared and the joy on his face as we cooked in the kitchen side by side. Love him so much and so thankful for the growth and healing in our relationship.

Anyone else exhausted? Just raw? Like a blister that rubs and rubs and rubs and never gets a chance to heal. It’s exhausting being brave all the time. Exhausting walking the same path in the same walls with the same people every single day. This morning I was rubbed raw. Everything was frustrating. We overslept. We had technical difficulties with online church, like we have EVERY WEEK. For some reason, even after six weeks, we just never can quite get it figured out. So I sat on the couch, wrestling with myself, feeling how none of this is how it’s supposed to be. But once worship started, I saw our sweet worship pastor on the screen with his guitar, flanked by his kids on the keyboard and the cajon. What a blessing to see faces of people that I love and miss so much. And I purposed in my heart as they begin to play, that my flesh would not hinder me from worshiping my Creator. He is WORTHY. My circumstances will not dictate my ability and MY RESPONSIBILITY to worship Him as He is due. So we stood together as a family and begin to sing. And as is so often the case, the song prepared in advance and pre-recorded by the worship pastor was the song that God knew would meet me in that moment. “Lord I run into Your arms unashamed because of mercy. I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You.” And there in my living room, in my robe and slippers, with tears streaming down my face, I stood in the presence of the Lord, experiencing some of the purest moments of fellowship with my Heavenly Father that I have ever had in my life. As the next song began, the room was filled with the voices of my children, “Waymaker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light in the darkness. My God, that is who You are.“

He is good. All the time. “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working.” There is purpose in this season. Part of that purpose is for us to look for AND TESTIFY OF the blessings that we find. In a time when we are forced to be apart, we need each other more than ever! We must encourage each other, spur each other on, take turns lifting one another and then being carried. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A MATH TEACHER! But I DO want to be a Mama that can patiently sit by my child while they work through a concept, for as long as it takes, and then can celebrate their accomplishment when they finally master it. I never would have tried had it not been for this season. My kids have seen me cry more in the last 6 weeks of quarantine than they did during 3 years of cancer. But that’s because I am with them EVERY MOMENT, and there is so much good in that. And after they’ve seen me cry, they’ve heard me reassure them that I’m ok, and we’ve had some great conversations and some of the very best hugs. I have great hope for lasting fruit to come from these trying days. Pearls are formed from painful, sandy discomfort that we can’t get rid of, no matter how hard we try. Lord, make pearls in us. Out of us. And when we look upon the unique beauty of a pearl, let us give thanks for the irritation that caused it to be born. I look forward to draping myself in garlands of story-problem-shaped pearls one day.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” (Psalms 51:10-12)

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.” (Matthew 13:45-46)

Sweet Moments Along the Way

I didn’t share much about our Easter last week, because I wanted to spend less time documenting it and more time LIVING IT. But it was truly such a special weekend. We made cards and baked goodies and stuffed eggs and did a little “Joy Run” around town on Saturday afternoon, delivering treats and just saying “hi.” Often the best remedy for the Self-Pity Blues is to do something nice for somebody else. It was great to get out of the house for a change of scenery and to see some of the people we have missed so much.

Saturday evening we had a sweet time with the kids with an Easter basket devotional I had seen online. They went around the yard and gathered rocks in their baskets. We sat down and discussed how heavy they were, and how hard they were to carry. I told them that the rocks were like sin in our life, and that we were never meant to carry all of that heaviness. We covered all the baskets with a big red blanket, representing Jesus’ blood covering all our sins. In the morning, they were thrilled to see that all the heavy rocks were gone, and their baskets were filled with sweets and prizes (and a new swimsuit for the summer!). They thanked Jesus for taking away their sins, and for exchanging their burdens with blessings and joy!

After our unexpected tornado-warning-sheltering at dawn, and our traditional Easter breakfast of Resurrection Rolls, Colton joined us for online church. Then we feasted on brown sugar glazed ham, mashed potatoes, roasted green beans, and sugar cookies. The threatening storms gave way to a perfectly BEAUTIFUL day to celebrate our Risen Savior. We watched movies and had an egg hunt in the front yard, some of the kids swam, and we did our chalk art. I think we all watched ANOTHER movie after all that. At dinner, Josh surprised us all by making a very uncharacteristic speech. “This year Easter is a lot different. We are missing some of the things we usually do, and the family we usually see. It’s kind of strange not being allowed to go places and do the things we are used to. Lots of things are different. But it’s not all bad. In fact, I LIKE a lot about this season. This is probably my favorite Easter I can ever remember.”

I wish I could tell you I hold that Christ-centered positive attitude all week long. Y’all, it is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE to keep my head up and my spirits up. I know I’m not alone in that. The official mandate closing schools for the rest of the year was another disappointment. So hard not to focus on all the fun things the kids won’t get to do. The temptation to fall into self pity, distraction, frustration, and fear is relentless. Each day looks like the day before it, stuck in the hamster ball of sheltering in place and virtual schooling. Schooling my babies is kicking my tail, and no matter how exhausted I am at the end of each carbon-copied day, I can’t ever seem to turn my mind off and get any rest. Grumpy, overtired teachers that teach 6 grades at once in a one room school house are THE VERY BEST TEACHERS! One morning, Tatum K crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my neck, “Mama, I no want you be a cheacha (teacher)… I want you be a MAMA!” Oh my heart. My baby misses her mom. I miss her mom too.

But I am so thankful for sweet moments along the way.

~ for the moments when I do just get to be a Mama. And I get to snuggle with my Loves on the couch. We’ve had some great times reading together, lots of picnics, and some scintillating UNO games.

~ for buttery sweet homemade cinnamon rolls fresh from the oven. I haven’t made them in 15 years. Anybody else eating their feelings these days?

~ for my AMAZING personal shopper that did my online grocery order. She actually REMEMBERED ME from “the days before quarantine,” and knew that we have a supersized family, not a hoarding problem. She and the Aldi management allowed me to get our 10 loaves of bread and 12 gallons of milk! Just like the good old days!

~ for progress on our puzzle, which has now officially replaced our last puzzle as THE HARDEST PUZZLE ON THE PLANET. The kids have put in like 12 pieces, and I have done about 698. Only 9,845,873,458 to go.

~ for GCS Spirit Day. More than ever before, we are grateful for our WONDERFUL school and our WONDERFUL teachers and the WONDERFUL community we have there.

~ for kind neighbors. So thankful we can call on one another when we need something. It was fun to leave a thank you note.

~ for another fun Giddyup and Whoa project. We are so grateful for the opportunity to continue to create.

~ for another new reno project…. Any guesses?

~ for all the sweet moments along the way… moments that I would miss if I wasn’t home teaching my kids. Sawyer reading his books to Gavin. Zoe’s eyes lighting up when she gets all her spelling words right. For the joy of witnessing their creativity firsthand instead of seeing it come home in a folder.

I remember well another season of social distancing. When Sawyer was going through chemotherapy as a baby, his immune system was treacherously fragile. We had no visitors. Sawyer ALWAYS stayed home. The kids immediately changed their clothes and washed hands after school, and sometimes I even sprayed them down with Lysol. It was completely normal for Sawyer to wear a certified N99 mask anytime he was in public, and we all wore masks around him if we had so much as a sniffle. Hand sanitizer was by every door, on every keychain, in every vehicle, along with the hospital grade sanitizing wipes that I carried with me everywhere, wiping down any surface Sawyer would come in contact with. I lived on high alert. FOR YEARS.It was a scary season in so many ways. BUT GOD. Thinking back on those days, I look at how different life is today, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Sawyer is here. We are all healthy. We made it through the Valley to the other side.

But I know this season, with its similar themes of fear, separation, and high alert, is being used by God in such an important way. Another season of being set apart.

He is changing us.

I want to be changed for the better. I want to learn what junk is still in my heart, and let Him cleanse it out. I want to see what areas I am still not fully trusting Him with, so I can lay them down. I want my kids to look back on these days when they are grown with fondness, and remember how much time they spent beating Mom at UNO and how many stories we read together instead of how stressed out we all were.

I’m not all the way there yet. But I’m trying. And God is faithful. Let’s love one another well this week. And give yourself grace if you don’t have it all together. 98% of the people on your Zoom meeting aren’t wearing pants either.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil 1:4-6)

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.” (Isaiah 26:3-4)

He is Risen!

This has been a week of celebration inside our quarantine. We celebrated Dad’s birthday and Tatum K’s birthday. We celebrated surviving another week of virtual schooling. And today we celebrated our Risen Savior, who took the punishment we deserved to give us Life Everlasting.

I found it a different flavor of hard: balancing the freedom I think I SHOULD feel with the mandated (and hypothetical) slower pace of life, with the ACTUAL pressure I feel with a million times more on my plate than ever before, compounded by a compulsion to make events MORE special to compensate for what the kids might be missing out on, and to make the most of every opportunity.

I know it’s a trap, but it’s just where I’ve been.

This morning our family was awakened by crashing thunder and screaming sirens. The 11 of us plus 2 dogs took shelter in the laundry room as violent storms triggered a tornado warning in our neighborhood. I couldn’t help but think of the skies darkening and the earth shaking as so many years ago when the stone was rolled away revealing the empty tomb that couldn’t hold Jesus. Today’s storm passed as quickly as it had blown in, and gave way to a brilliantly beautiful and sunny day. It was a different kind of day. BUT GOD. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. My heart is full.

At my wonderful husband’s request, I am going to share pictures of our week and get back to soaking up time with my loves. Because this is time well spent, and time that I’ll never get back.

Happy Resurrection Day! He is Risen! He is Risen INDEED!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, see the place where He was lying.” (Matthew 28:6)

“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” (Psalms 126:3)

“He called my name, and I ran out of that grave. Out of the darkness, into Your Glorious Day!” (“Glorious Day” by Passion)

Clobbered

~ for Josh’s new teeth! He has had half-done dental work that has left him with 2 missing front teeth for almost 6 months. Since having his affected teeth removed, he’s had numerous reschedulings, cancellations, and setbacks. This has been irritating, painful, inconvenient, and humbling. And with the events of late, we weren’t sure how much longer he was going to have to wait. THANKFULLY, the dentist agreed completing Josh’s procedure could be classified as an emergency. And now my handsome husband has his beautiful smile back! SO THANKFUL!

~ for National Doctor’s Day. We LOVE our doctors, and are so thankful for the impact they have had on our lives. I love that this season is causing us to spend more time THANKING these and other Community Helpers, real heroes that are serving us every day.

~ for more positives with home schooling than negatives. I am so proud of the kids’ attitudes. They have obediently and MOSTLY eagerly stayed on track with their work, and it has really not been a battle to keep them engaged.

~ for second chances. And third. And 87th. I am not a good teacher. Oh, sometimes I am. I CAN be fun and creative and patient. But I’m usually not. Especially when I’m not teaching material that I’m familiar with. And especially when my student isn’t grasping the concept. After the 3rd time. Or the 87th time. So in the middle of a particularly trying lesson…a math lesson, (and believe me when I say that I have NO BUSINESS TEACHING ANYONE MATH), I just laid down with my face on the floor and asked Jesus for help. We wrestled our way through it, and who knows if any of it actually penetrated the child’s understanding, but at least we got the answer on the assignment solved finally. And I hugged that sweet one tight and we both cried. And I made a promise, I said, “We’re gonna get through this. You’re gonna keep trying and Mama’s gonna keep trying, ok?” BUT GOD. Grace upon grace.

~ for steady wifi service.

~ for groceries in the pantry. We are stretched and learning to be creative, but we don’t lack for anything we actually NEED.

~ for our morning devotions. I’m so thankful to start each day with the kids in the Word. It’s not magic, it doesn’t make everything go great. But at least I know we are starting in the right place and keeping the first things FIRST.

~ for coffee. I will forever thank coffee as my official sponsor of 2020. And I also thank dry shampoo, deodorant, and stretchy pants.

~ for calls from our wonderful GCS family. They are checking in on us, perhaps a little “mental health triage” and it is so heart-warming to hear those familiar voices of the friends we miss so much. It’s awesome to KNOW that they are praying for us, as we are praying for them.

~ for the tiny carrot seedlings that have poked their heads from the earth, reminding me that new life is always pushing forth. Lord, let my heart be fertile ground for the things you want to birth in me.

~ for the jumbo economy bucket of ice cream that we originally bought just because it was cheap, and now we think is the very best-tasting ice cream ever.

~ for family movie and pizza night. For living room forts and inside picnics. For cuddling with my husband, and with the children that still want to. Everything means more now than ever before.

~ for my brave husband. He has the courage to step out in faith and do what is RIGHT even if it goes against popular opinion or social standards. I’m so proud of the way he leads our family.

~ for re-starting our online “Thankful Game.” It’s definitely a good time to spur one another on to giving thanks. We’ve shared some much-needed laughs too.

~ for multiple online platforms of encouraging sermons this morning, even Children’s Church. I get excited thinking about how many people who are tiptoeing into churches for the first time in a long time, now that it is accessible right in their homes.

~ for my hammock. I do love a hammock.

~ that our quarantine could never be classified as LONELY or BORING. Again, this is something I don’t always count as a blessing, but boy I should!

~ for reminders when I need reminding. I had a strange encounter earlier this week, on the one occasion that I actually left the house to run an errand. The grocery courtesy clerk counted the stick people across the back of my van. “Wow, is this everybody?” “Yep,” I said, “we’ve got a houseful.” I couldn’t believe my ears when he said candidly, “Man, I would HATE to be you.” I shook off my shock and quickly refuted, “No way! It’s awesome! It’s more fun than you can even imagine!” Moments like that are so eye-opening. Because I DON’T always love having a huge family. My heart isn’t always thankful for having huge messes and huge grocery bill and driving a huge vehicle. Especially when we are all on top of each other for who knows how long. But when I’m reminded of how blessed I am… Man, I’m thankful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m sure most of us are having lots of ups and downs. Days when we are brave and optimistic and ready to learn what God has for us during this time of being “set apart.” Days when we feel scared and uncertain and small and trapped. And days when we just feel unmotivated and schlumpy. (That’s the technical term.) I was on the trampoline with the kids this afternoon, trying to be “Fun Mom.” Everyone was having a good time, weather was perfect, lots of laughs. And I even took a turn to jump. One of the kids started jumping at the same time, and we collided in the air, landing in a heap of sharp little knees and elbows. Hard. The child, unscathed bounced back up giggling. I did not. My wrist and my shin were throbbing from the collision. And out of nowhere, tears started to well in my eyes. Before I knew it, they were pouring. The pain from the fall unlocked a deep well that had been filling and filling somewhere inside me, and once I started, there was no stopping the flood. I just felt CLOBBERED. Clobbered by an accident on the trampoline when I was trying to be fun. Clobbered by the relentless workload of homeschooling 6 kids when I don’t know what I’m doing. Clobbered by teens who (like all the rest of the world) are irritated by their lack of freedoms and feeling sorry for themselves, without the benefit of perspective, empathy, or maturity. Clobbered by the sight of all my kids glued to screens for hours every day, which is contrary to everything I have ever taught them. Clobbered by the fear- and control-shaped holes in my faith that keep creeping in. Clobbered by a new, worse headline in the news every day. Clobbered by weeks upon weeks of little sleep. Clobbered by the guilt that I don’t have the right to complain because so many others have it so much worse. Clobbered by the weight of looking brave.

Maybe you feel like that. Clobbered. I just submit to you that that’s ok. God can handle it, if you’ll just turn to Him. Even though I feel clobbered, I still know the Truth. I know that even if it all gets a whole lot worse before it gets better, I know God wins in the end. And we are all in this together. Don’t believe the lie that you have to do it in your own strength, or that no one else feels like you, or that all the other Christians are keeping it together except you. I’m gonna be strong some days, and encourage one of you on your hard day. And when I can’t get my feet under me, someone is going to leave some sunshine on my doorstep, just because. It’s ok if you don’t teach your kid like the teacher does, or if you don’t know how to check their math. It’s ok if you take a break or don’t get it all done. It’s ok if you don’t go on nature walks with your kids every night after dinner and read them a book before you tuck them in to bed. It’s ok if you don’t alphabetize your closets and learn a new language and do a Pinterest craft every Thursday. (And it’s ok if you do!) It’s ok if you only shower once a week and don’t change out of your Sunday clothes until Wednesday (purely hypothetical, of course). This may be a glorious season of growth for most of us, and I genuinely believe God has that in His plan… but in the midst of all that growth, there’s gonna be pain, and wrestling, and some of it we may not understand for a long time to come.

Be kind to yourself. When you have a great day, or a great moment – reach out to somebody and share some joy. And when you blow it: take a deep breath, and give yourself a do-over. Let’s look for opportunities to love one another well this week, if even from a distance. It’s Easter Week, the time of year most celebrated by Believers. We will celebrate that Christ is Risen! He bravely, willingly, and perfectly endured unbearable suffering and separation from His Father. And He did it for us. We DO have so much to be thankful for! Prepare your heart for the JOY THAT IS COMING!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His, And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.” (Psalms 30:4-5)

We hope

I am thankful:

~ for momentum! One more beam down! It’s tiring, backbreaking work, and such a mess, but I’m (thankfully) still in love with the results, and the end is in sight… (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about it here).

~ for the deep, heart to heart conversations with my 2 year old. Tatum, “ mama can I have a snack?”

Me “ do you want an orange?”

“No! I want a snack!”

“Ok, then what DO you want?”

“An ORANGE!”

~ for cheerful fresh tulips brightening my table.

~ for healing! We have all been taking our turns with THE CRUD over the last couple of weeks…intermittent fevers, coughs, runny noses. Last weekend, Sawyer’s cough intensified, and he woke up Monday with a fever. We don’t mess around with anything when it comes to him, and fevers set this mama on high alert, so we were at the pediatrician’s office at 8:30am.

Dr. Everett definitely suspected that he could be in the early stages of developing pneumonia, but we agreed to just watch him closely before jumping forward to any meds. So he missed 2 days of school, and we had a couple pretty rough nights, but Jesus protected Sawyer, and he got better instead of worse! Glory to the Lord! He’s still a little weak, and tires easily, but I told him if he rests well tonight, he’ll finally be allowed to run at recess again. He is SO READY. He told me he’s been being the soccer goalie at recess, and “I’m so terrible at it Mama.” And I think the rest of us are ALMOST well also.

~ for the opportunity to participate in another Vintage & Co. Jodi does the most amazing job of curating her collections of beautiful and unique vintage finds. It’s always an honor to be able to add a few Giddyup & Whoa pieces to her sales.

~ for the simple little things that bring such joy to my kids. Like pancakes for dinner. You would have thought it was the finest gourmet cuisine ever cooked. I bet they each thanked me 6 times.

~for my kiddos’ sweet and innocent prayers at midweek service. They prayed for healing for everyone who was sick, prayed for their older siblings to make good choices and to “stay on God’s path,” and one of them prayed simply, ”Dear God, help me to obey and have self control.” How it blesses me to hear them learning to talk to their Heavenly Father, and believe that He hears them.

~ for another fun and simple DIY Goodwill makeover. Love those 99¢ finds!

~ for a great time celebrating a dear friend’s birthday. He was turning 50, so the theme of the party was “OLD.” I love Sawyer’s interpretation…

~ for Carson Grace having the opportunity to sing Beethoven’s 9th with her ETBU Concert Choir this weekend. It was a huge concert, and we weren’t able to be there; but so grateful that Grandmommy, Uncle Justin, and Aunt Gina were able to go support her (and fill her up with some much needed Whataburger.)

~ for the sound of the rain against my window, especially when I’m snug in my bed.

~ for my cuties that just happened to end up looking like little Valentines for church. How are they growing up so fast?

~ for an AWESOME evening at our quarterly Gold Network CONNECT group. The concept was conceived from our trips to Lighthouse Family Retreat, when all the kids would go play and swim, and the parents would gather for a small group time called Common Ground. All these moms and dads from various walks of life, different faith backgrounds, a variety of diagnoses… but all of us had the worst thing in common. We all had a child with cancer. And we pretty much instantly became family. We listened to each other’s stories and we cried and we prayed for one another. And we encouraged one another. And we laughed. The connections were real and deep and unexpected and life-changing. It gave us so much hope. Josh and I had no idea how much we were thirsting for relationships with this specific community of people. And we just knew we had to try to bring something like it in Tyler. Last night we had seven pediatric cancer families around our table. We feasted on food from Oliveto and laughed and talked and ate and cried. And it was pure gold.

Our work with Gold Network of East Texas keeps us pretty entrenched in the childhood cancer world, even though Sawyer is now 3 years off treatment. (That fact is staggering to me). We celebrate all that God has done, and yet we are still continually learning what life-after-cancer means for us. And every day, I am still talking about cancer, and still thinking about cancer. We haven’t left cancer behind. Representing GNET, I am speaking with cancer families daily. I follow their updates and pray for them. I work on Gold Network event planning, manage the website, and almost daily update social media with announcements or post about childhood cancer awareness. It’s always at the forefront of my thoughts and day to day activities. But in such a different context from 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. But all it takes is to listen to one of our GNET parents begin to talk about that terrible, earthshaking moment when everything changed in their life… and I’m right there again. Sitting in a pediatric exam room on a red vinyl cough with a greenish-white baby in my arms, seeing Dr. Everett come in and close the door behind him with a look on his face like someone had kicked him in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. It never goes away. I see all these families and the pained seared in their eyes. Forever changed. Some of them are giving their brave kids toxic meds every day and praying for the cancer to go away. Some of them, like us, have graduated from the treatment routine, and pray against long term side effects and for the cancer to stay away forever. And some of them have said goodbye to their child, and now they wait, and now the hope they pray for is for the day they will be reunited with their child. It never goes away.

EVERYONE is walking through something. The loss of a child. Caring for an aging parent. A strained marriage. A prodigal child. Struggles at work. Chronic pain. Addiction. Loneliness. Anxiety. PTSD. And the world screams at us from 2 camps: either DO MORE! GET YOURS! CRUSH THE COMPETITION! YOU DESERVE TO RISE! Or on the other extreme: SLOW DOWN! TAKE CARE OF YOU! SELF CARE! YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

We all just need Jesus. Because none of us want what we REALLY deserve. We know the mess we truly are inside: the brokenness, the selfishness, the depravity. But He loves us anyway, right where we are. But even though the gift of salvation is FREE, it does have a cost. We have to say “no” to something to say “yes” to Him.

Saying “yes” to Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean our circumstances will change. Sometimes they do. Often they do not. But our PERSPECTIVE changes. And we don’t have to walk alone ever again. Because of Jesus, we are promised that the end of the story is good.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thanks for reading the thoughts I’m musing tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and there’s heaviness weighing on my heart. BUT GOD. Because of Him, I pray with so much hope. Unspeakable joy is COMING.

Have a good week friends. Reach out to somebody who could use a little hope.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Happy “New Day”

I am thankful:

~ for a staggering honor and privilege: I wrote a check from Gold Network of ETX for TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! We donated $10,000 to Dr. Ted Laetsch at Children’s Hospital to support his cutting edge research projects for improved cures and therapies for childhood cancer. Dr. Laetsch was on Sawyer’s oncology team, so the donation is even more meaningful. We are so grateful for the funds raised through Tyler Gold Run and and generous donations from the community to help Gold Network do what we do. Our primary focus will remain local family support, but we will always donate toward childhood cancer research in hopes that one day our GNET mission will become obsolete! Until then, we press on. We have exciting new dreams brewing for the upcoming year…more information coming soon!

~ for laid back schedule-free days on break. The kids have painted, baked cookies, learned new tricks on the trampoline, decorated a gingerbread house, and we have made a TINY dent in the HARDEST PUZZLE IN THE WORLD.

~ for a manageably fun-enough New Years. We stayed home. Ate chili. “Nice Mom” showed up and let the kids stay up until 10 and played with sparklers in their pjs. Then mom, dad, and Bigs stayed up to watch the ball drop just to say we did. But it felt really important to me that the first thing we did in 2020 was to pray together as a family. It was simple, sweet, and I will treasure it always.

~ for traditional black eyed peas, buttery roasted cabbage, and steaming hot sweet cornbread on New Year’s Day.

~ for a Starbucks gift card and a Starbucks right around the corner from our house! Bear was glad he rode along, they gave him a “Pup-puccino!!”

~ for a fun overnight sleepover for Gavin to Uncle Justin and Aunt Gina’s. He had the feast of his dreams and had 24 blissful hours as an only child! A trip to Kilgore to explore the East Texas Oil Museum and a mile-high loaded cheeseburger were the perfect fit for our inquisitive boy.

~ for a joyful dream-come-true for dear friends. Before brave 10 year old cancer warrior Luke went to be with Jesus in 2018, his dream was for his beautiful husky Scout to become a therapy dog. This week, that dream came true! Scout went through the rigorous testing to become certified, and PASSED! Now Scout will be able to bring joy and smiles to kids in the hospital and continue sharing Luke’s legacy, bringing glimmers of beauty from the unspeakable pain his mom and dad and brother are walking through. You can read more about Luke and his family’s unshakable faith and generosity here. https://lukestrong.org/

~ for an exciting new venture for G&W: we launched our new website, www.giddyupandwhoa.com! We’ve been praying about this for a while, and decided to make the leap in hopes of growing our business. We also were super blessed with a new connection for old wood. We have had our eye on a large section of damaged fence for months, and this week I worked up the courage to stop by the house and ask for it. I was met by the sweetest gentleman who was delighted to have the fence hauled off, even taking my card for when he tears more of it down! Finds like those are the best!

Josh has created some beautiful new reclaimed wood decor pieces in addition to a fresh batch of signs, so we are ready for a great year! It’s amazing to me that we started this journey by tiptoeing onto social media last year at Thanksgiving. Excited to see where the Lord takes us. We even included a link to Sunday Gratitude on the G&W website. Amazing to see different pieces of our dreams begin to braid together.

~ for the opportunity to reflect on the past decade. I always get a little moony at the turn of the new year…to me it’s just natural to look back and take stock, and that process always proves emotional for me. Looking back not just a year but a decade was pretty staggering. I’ll spare you the in-depth play by play, but 10 years ago we only had 4 children, were going through the process of our first adoption, and Josh was self employed, remodeling and flipping houses. We often look back and say that that was the season we thought we could tie a bow on our picture perfect little family with our beautifully God-ordained adoption story as the crescendo of our testimony. BUT GOD. In the infinite wisdom of our Father, we had no idea what was coming. We never dreamed of car wrecks and ATV wrecks and fostering. Never dreamed Josh and I would go from completely disagreeing about whether or not to grow our family to getting on the same page, only to walk through the heartbreak of losing a baby, then adopt 3 and have 2 more! We would never have imagined cancer. Cancer changed EVERYTHING. I don’t even recognize that family from 10 years ago. But out of the wreckage also came beauty. A front row seat for miracles. For excruciating grace. So many wonderful, life-changing relationships born in and outside the hospital. The Gold Run and Gold Network, opening doors to share hope with people all over. And God has entrusted us with the stewardship of all these remarkable children in our family… gifts that I didn’t even ask for because I couldn’t have dreamed them up… And even if New Year’s resolutions are hokey and empty, I appreciate the crisp, fresh air that comes with the turn of the calendar page, like the warmth of sunrise after a dark night. My Father’s arms are always open. And with renewed passion, I will seek to love Him with more of my heart this year. And serve Him more and myself less. Oh Lord, the cry of my heart is to let go and trust You. So if I WAS going to have a resolution, that would be it. But I think that has to be more of a New Day’s Resolution. EVERY DAY.

Let’s love one another well this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:33-34)

“We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalms 139:23-24)

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.” (Psalms 51:10-12)

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

I am thankful:

~ for innocent children who aren’t afraid to ask the questions we all wonder. “Mama? What is piggy pudding? And why do they want it so bad?” “And what does pa-rum-pum-pum-pum MEAN?”

~ for a sweet night of fellowship with our Tyler Christian Fellowship elders, deacons, and wives. And for pumpkin bread pudding with warm salted caramel sauce.

~for the sweetest Christmas play at the school. Zoe and Gavin brilliantly executed their parts in “It Happened in the Country.” Gavin even had his first little solo and did a great job. I love seeing them so excited to share their hard work with us.

~ for GPS. Tyler is famous for its holiday traffic jams, and the GPS on my phone was able to pinpoint the trouble areas and reroute me. Even though it took me miles out of the way, it was undoubtedly faster than the direct route. I would still be sitting on Broadway…

~ for human Christmas party ping pong. I pinged and I ponged my way through five simultaneous Christmas parties at opposite ends of the elementary school. They had Christmas movies, toilet paper snowman building, cookie decorating, and pancakes in pajamas. The kids all had a ball and then that was that! They are all officially home for Christmas!

We are now enjoying lounging around, living room football, and binge-watching Disney plus. And we finished our puzzle. Sadly, Tatum and Bear ate 7 pieces, so we didn’t get the full victorious satisfaction.

~ for the dollar store. Love me some dollar store when it’s time to shop for Christmas stockings for 9 kids!

~ for the absolutely MOST DELICIOUS slow-cooked, fall off the bone, flavor-LICIOUS ribs on the planet. Drew, you are a BBQ ARTIST!!!!

~ for encouragement from the Lord: through His Word, His Voice, and His people. It brings such comfort to know that my Heavenly Father sees me and cares about every detail of my life, and that He is WORKING IN AND THROUGH every trial to refine me and make me more like Him. It’s so incredibly hard to stop trying to control everything. Even though my mind knows that I don’t have ANY POWER to control anything anyway, I still waste so much energy fighting for it. I can’t control Sawyer’s health, or whether or not his cancer will return. I can’t control what others think of me or whether or not they love and accept me. I can’t control my children’s choices or their relationship with the Lord. And sometimes that makes me feel so empty and powerless and just plain hopeless.

But God.

An empty vessel. Cracked and broken. The perfect vessel for the Lord to pour into and fill to overflowing. Every crack in me allows Jesus to shine through more. If I am empty, there’s more room for Him. I’m not trying to say that I just radiate Jesus everywhere I go. Or that I am moping around sad and hopeless. I’m just increasingly aware that God’s power shines through my weakness WHEN I LET HIM. I am more useful in my honest brokenness than I could ever dream to be in any artificial“I’ve-got-it-all-together-ness.”

My life feels kind of out of control. But that’s ok. Because my Perfect Father has a Perfect Plan for all the details. And I don’t have to know what’s next, because I know who’s in charge and I KNOW THE ENDING. The story will end with Jesus on the Throne and every knee bowed. Glorious.

We eagerly count down the days until Christmas, and those who are Christ-followers celebrate the birth of the Messiah. “Jesus IS the reason for the season.”

But it’s so much more.

Jesus is more than the baby in the manger. More than a miracle that wowed some shepherds in the middle of the night. HOPE was born. The REMEDY for our brokenness. FREEDOM for the captives. He came to walk among us, to turn religion on its head, and teach us what LOVE looks like.

So wherever you are in the midst of your Christmas busy-ness, MAKE SOME ROOM. As you shop in the madness of stores or fight your way through traffic, look around. See the exhausted checkout clerk. Or the frazzled mother dragging her kids out of the toy aisle. If you are breaking your back to get your baking done, your house spotless, and fretting about the relatives that you are not looking forward to seeing this year…take a deep breath and think about the families who will spend Christmas in the hospital or who would give ANYTHING for one more Christmas with their mom, or their dad, or their husband, or their child. Let’s ungrit our teeth and unclench our hearts and pour Jesus on each other instead. Spend more time than money. Give less stuff and more of ourselves. This Christmas might not be perfect, but it will never be this Christmas again.

FullSizeRender 7.JPG — Christmas in the hospital, 2014

Let’s love one another well this week. Merry CHRISTmas!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”” (Luke 2:10-14)

“Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Philippians 2:9-11)