Ready or Not

I am thankful:

~ for God’s mercy. I limped to Him last week (and every day since then) and He has lovingly held me and encouraged me and let me just be His child without all (or ANY of) the answers.

~ for an exciting new adventure for Colton. After years of working in the food service industry, this week he started his first “grown up job,” as a superintendent for a commercial construction company. He’s got a new uniform, his own business cards, and has already started traveling out of town for a large project. He has already learned so much in his first week, and has been eager to share details from his days with us. He is so excited about this big step, and we are so proud of him!

~ and a big next step for Carson Grace as well: we moved her back to ETBU for her sophomore year of college. New apartment-style dorm, new roommates, and a fresh new enthusiasm for her classes after the abrupt end of her freshman year. We got her stuff all moved in despite a sudden downpour, and her room is cozy and organized. As always, it was hard to say goodbye, but we know she’s right where she needs to be. Since she left, we have chatted every day, and this morning we all enjoyed watching her lead worship with one of her professors at his church via a LIVE broadcast. She is excited for her first day of classes tomorrow!

~ the mixed blessing of having Carson Grace back at school means I once again have my beautiful work space (her now empty bedroom) for Giddyup & Whoa painting. I love that room, the crisp white walls and gleaming natural light. It’s just a space that inspires me. We’ve had some lovely pieces to work on lately. All the kids have taken turns painting in there with me, as well as some rousing games of UNO and charades.

~ for a succulent roasted sheet pan dinner: BBQ chicken, quartered potatoes, and green beans.

~ for the great honor and privilege of Gold Network of East Texas being chosen as a charity beneficiary of the Fresh 15. The race took place back in March the week before the country shut down, and Brookshire’s Grocery Company held a Virtual Check Presentation this week. So thankful to be in the company of the finest and most respected nonprofits in our area.

~ for the perfect mouthwateringly tart sweetness of a cherry sour candy.

~ for 99.9% school supplies ready to go for all 6 kids. Especially considering A) as of Monday I had not purchased ONE ITEM and B) I did not have to set one foot in a store. Online shopping, I love you!

~ for the kindest people that the Lord has braided into our lives. It is no secret that the question facing nearly every family in America is whether or not to send their children to school. And Josh and I have wrestled day and night over our options. We have prayed. We have made lists of pros and cons. We have prayed. We have sought council. We have prayed. We have been still. We have prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed. Ultimately, FOR US (and the most important distinction I want to stress is that EVERY FAMILY is doing their VERY BEST to make the best choice for THEIR CHILDREN…and that will mean something different to each of them. NO JUDGMENT!) we have made the decision to send our kids back to their school. And let me tell you, our kids are EXCITED! They are chomping at the bit to get back to their school and their teachers and classmates. Their eagerness and loyalty to their school has helped soothe our uncertainties at least a little. But it still is a weighty decision that I have continued to struggle with. BUT GOD. One day this week, our principal called to check in on our decision. I heard the words came out of my mouth, “We are planning to send them in person,” (as opposed to doing virtual learning from home). As soon as I spoke, I realized it was the first time I had spoken those words aloud, and I burst into tears on the phone. At that moment, our principal, my friend, became to pray for me right then. She prayed for God’s peace and grace to flood my heart, for protection for each of our children, and for wisdom to make the best decisions we can for our family. Her kindness and grace met me in that moment, and my weary heart was encouraged. I can’t say I’m past my concerns, or even that I am confident that we’ve made the right choice. I don’t even know that I can single out a particular ACTUAL FEAR that is plaguing me. Just that nothing feels safe or “normal” or familiar or easy. But I am freshly reminded of why we LOVE the community that has been our home for 16 years. They know us. They know our kids. They’ve seen us through fostering, through adopting, through cancer. They have rallied around us and prayed for us when we were tossed from one storm to the next. I am NOT thrilled with the prospect of sending my kids back out into a group setting with so many unknowns, but I AM CONFIDENT that they are going into an environment where they are loved and seen and that everyone on every level is covering every aspect with prayer.

This is a big week of dropping off supplies, meeting teachers, and for Kora and Samantha, touring a brand new school. Tomorrow is the first time tiptoeing out of the quarantine bubble as we start the precursory steps. The official first day of school is Wednesday. Since March, we have been home. Together. With the exception of an hour here or there, I haven’t been away from my kids. And believe it or not, I’m not impatiently waiting to boot them out of the house for some “peace and quiet.” After months of keeping them safely at arms’ reach, I can’t even wrap my mind around dropping all my babies off and driving away. Especially after daily temperature scans and with masks as a normal school supply. Ok, I’m starting to hyperventilate again, need to refocus my heart. It’s a big week and the kids are excited to meet their teachers and see their friends. I am excited to see God’s hand at work in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

And what in the world am I going to do with Hurricane Tatum K?

Thank you for all who have been praying for us. And for all of you moms, dads, cancer families, educators, administrators, doctors, nurses, first responders…I am praying for you, too. Lord, help guide us to the best choices for each of our families and also help us to respond to people who think similarly AND differently WITH KINDNESS AND GRACE. We all just want to get through this season the best we can. God is still on His throne where He has always been. His plan is still good, and I trust Him with my life and the lives of my children.

I’m back to praying two prayers over and over:

“Not my will, but Yours, Lord.” And “Jesus come.”

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“Your love is deep, Your love is high. Your love is long, Your love is wide. Your love is deeper than my view of grace Higher than this worldly place. Longer than this road I travel. Wider than the gap You fill…” “Your Love is Deep” by Jami Smith

“Waymaker, miracle worker Promise keeper, light in the darkness My God, that is who You are” “Waymaker” by Sinach

Mightier

Six years ago tomorrow, I wrote my very first Sunday Gratitude journal entry on Sawyer’s Caringbridge site. We were not quite 3 weeks into his cancer journey.

“Aug 10, 2014

I’d like to copy from a blog I’ve read for a long time….she dedicates her posts on Sundays to giving thanks. Especially in the midst of trials, it is easy to only see the bad things, and start feeling sorry for yourself. I don’t want to fall into that trap. Of course I wish none of this was happening, but this is a part of God’s best for our family, and I want to set my eyes on His goodness that is all around us.

Sunday Gratitude

~Our new room with a nice recliner

~a playmat for the floor so SaSa can crawl around without getting contaminated

~food from “the Outside”, especially homemade pimento cheese

~nurses who love Sawyer so much they come see him when they are not assigned to him

~getting to witness a 9-year-old girl finally get to celebrate going home after 8 months of treatment (her mom bought her a sparkly new dress, she had a panda hat on her bald head, and her daddy surprised her with a limo to drive her home!)

~news of so many people pulling together to bless my family by bringing meals and back-to-school bounty

~Sawyer’s sweet little voice chattering away

~pictures colored by my kids at home for their little brother

Join me in giving thanks!”

Today I find myself in far different circumstances, but in such a similar place of need. Of needing to raise my gaze. Raise my focus. Raise my voice in gratitude.

I have felt like our house is filled with a fog of sad. So many people I love are hurting and there is nothing I can do. I just can’t seem to get my feet under me.

This was a page on my daily calendar this week. Why do I feel like I have never seen this verse before? I read it and reread it and looked it up in several versions.

I love the sound of the ocean’s crashing waves. It’s vastness and power makes me feel so small. The crash is deafening. In this world, doesn’t it seem like there’s just so much deafening noise? All competing. Each voice, a thunderous wave crashing louder and louder, demanding to be heard above the rest. Noise on traditional and social media. Noise from every opinion on every issue. Noise inside me. BUT GOD. He is so far above the noise. He does speak in that Still Small Voice. But His majesty, His magnitude, His presence, His power. Is greater. Mightier than the noise attacking me from the outside and from the inside. Far mightier than the strongest, most powerful waves on any sea.

I am thankful that no matter how low or how NOT THANKFUL I FEEL, my loving Father is so gracious and persistent to show Himself to me even when I am a mess.

I am thankful:

~ for friends who call in lunch when they know it’s been a hard day. Even though they live in Dallas!

~ for the times when social media is a tool used for good, and flooded with kind words and encouragement to those who need it.

~ for a special birthday girl with a fantastic attitude on a quietly celebrated day. Our Zoe turned 9, and though we were unable to GO anywhere or INVITE anyone, we compensated with FOOD. Her brown eyes sparkled when she saw her waffles with sprinkles for breakfast. Daddy brought home a special treat from DQ for her lunch. And as one of our family’s most discerning diners, Miss Zoe selected a decadent menu of packaged Velveeta Shells and Cheese, cheese toast, and chocolate cake with more sprinkles of course. (It was a nice variation from last year’s choice of Kraft macaroni and cheese and Cheezits.) She felt special, and that’s what counts.

~ for the perfect worship song that plays at the perfect moment.

~ for my precious Littles who are so quick to forgive their mama when she’s not as nice or as patient as she should be. And for the genuine prayers they pray for me.

~ for my very best friend to wake up with every morning.

~ for new house numbers and solar lights giving our home a simple but cozy exterior update.

~ for ones who I know pray faithfully, and who alternately offer gentle encouragements and less gentle admonishings to kick out of my funk.

~ for August Tonight and Whataburger malts honoring one of the finest men who ever lived.

~ for a fun puzzle completed.

~ for a tasty night cooking up the fish Josh and the big kids caught on their Galveston Bay fishing trip. We had everyone back together again, and it was good to have fresh laughter around our table. I’ve missed that.

~ for the promise that God is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. In the words of one of our Littles’ favorite songs, His love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me.

Let’s lift each other up during these strange, uncertain, and unfamiliar times. Whatever you may be feeling or struggling with, it is certain that someone else is struggling with it too. Everyone is dealing with their own personal flavor of hard. It’s ok not to have it all together all the time. It’s ok to be unsure. God knows what He is doing, and His good and perfect plan will be done in the end.

Prayers especially for educators and administrators and support staff who are gearing up for an unprecedented back to school season. And for parents everywhere who are doing their very best to make the very best decisions for their families about schooling. Let’s all be kind to one another. Let’s raise a hallelujah!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

“The seas have lifted up, Lord, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea— the Lord on high is mighty.” (Psalms 93:3-4)

July

I am thankful:

~ for Aldi groceries delivered right to my front steps. Game changer.

~ for refreshing Kona Ice on a sweltering hot day.

~ for a huge undertaking that will be well worth it in the long run. We have amassed a fortune in other peoples’ trash, i.e. reclaimed wood from the side of the road. Panels upon panels upon panels of barnwood and fencing stacked up along the side of our house. Every time we have an order, step one is the beat down of deconstructing and prepping the wood for building. This week Josh and I and the kids took on the task of stripping ALL the panels apart and removing all of the old rusty nails, creating a much better system for organizing and storing this beautiful wood. Now it is ready to go whenever we have a sign order. It was a backbreaking job in 100° weather and blazing sun, but after six hours, it was complete!

~ for good old fashioned hard work with our kids. They have their daily chores, and usually are eager to jump in and help mom and dad with whatever other projects we have going on. But we also have some really good laughs along the way. Near the end of the wood project, Sawyer was wilting, and started asking, “Can I just skip THIS ONE nail, Dad? Do we have to do ALL these boards?” Josh replied quickly and firmly, “Son, do you know what your last name is? When your last name’s Rucker, you work hard, you do it right, and you don’t quit until the job’s done.” A little bit later Sawyer piped in again, “Hey Dad. Maybe we could change our last name…”

~ for fresh haircuts. Thankfully, the “Home Salon” is our norm anyway. Dad has always cut the boys and mom cuts the girls.

~ for surprisingly tasty homemade cauliflower crust pizza.

~ for sweet, compassionate Sawyer who spent 30 minutes protecting a tiny ant from the dogs so it could safely carry a piece of food “home to its family.”

~ for a lovely tea party with Tatum K and Birdie. Birdie adored her princess dress, and happily gobbled down all the party treats. They both need to work a bit on their formal table manners.

~ for CHEESE BALLS. That’s right, if you have followed along on our journey, you know that cheese balls can only mean one thing…

VACATION! We literally buy cheese balls only once a year, and the kids know exactly what it means when they see them come through the door. We have a trip planned to a beach house in Galveston next week. It’s been hard to get excited about it because I’ve been guarding my heart just in case it gets canceled (like everything else has all year.) But as of now, everything looks to be a go. Our plans are just to drive down and continue our self quarantine at the house…but at least it will be a change of scenery, and at least it will be ON THE BEACH!

I have to confess. I have a problem with July. Six years ago in July, sitting in an ER at Children’s Hospital with my baby in my arms, I heard the word CANCER for the first time. The following July, Sawyer developed severe complications from a combination of viruses that landed him in the hospital for weeks. The next July we were at the Lighthouse Family Retreat in Florida when I got the call from my doctor that pathology reports came back confirming that I had malignant melanoma.

July is not my favorite. My flesh and my enemy know it, and the fiery darts have my name on them at the very turn of the calendar page. I find myself emotional at the drop of a hat, ultra irritable, attacked by unpredictable anxiety, not to mention battling constant headaches and chronic pain. Anxiety and fear don’t play fair. They want me to focus on the panic that rises up every year on these hard anniversaries. They want to cripple me with the pain of reliving the past and distort my outlook on both the promises of the future and the present joys of today. And the current dismal scenery of rioting and injustice and sickness and death everywhere is NOT HELPING me.

I wish I had wise words about it. I wish I had a victorious story of how healthy and faith-filled I am. Truth is, I’m a mess. I have totally blown it with each of my kids over the past few days, and I’ve been a ball of grouchiness and nerves. I’m annoyed, frustrated, and embarrassed at feeling stuck in this trap. AGAIN.

BUT GOD.

I may be back in this stupid trap, but my Father is with me. He loves me and He encourages me – LITERALLY FILLS ME WITH COURAGE – and He holds me when I cry in the dark. And every time I fall and disappoint myself again, He reaches His mighty right hand to me and says, “Let’s try again baby girl.”

I know He is growing me, allowing me to be pressed and sanded for my good and for His glory. I know it will pass. I know He’s holding me close and He won’t ever leave me. I know He will birth something beautiful from the ashes of all the shattered July’s that have come and gone.

I pray for a wonderful salty, sand-kissed week away with my Loves next week (I could pray for “relaxing”, but with 9 kids, that’s a not really even a goal). I pray that Sawyer’s Cancerversary and the days leading up to it will come and go with more thanksgiving than anxiety. I pray for health and safety for our Tribe as we venture out for the first time in months. I pray for no more bad news this July. But if not, He is still good.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

Here’s a song that really ministered to me this week. I hope it blesses you. https://youtu.be/R8oxVCFGsgY

“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” (Psalms 37:23-24)

“Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms….In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” (Ephesians 6:11-12, 16)

Love Lavishly

I am thankful:

~ the most joyous news of all is that Sawyer remains cancer free! Glory hallelujah! We had his quarterly oncology ACE (survivor) visit on Wednesday. You can read my post about clinic day on CaringBridge or Facebook.

~ for such a big week for Sawyer: not only did he go to the hospital and draw his own blood, but he lost his very first tooth! It’s so crazy to me that he faces these giant mountains with such courage, but yet he’s still a normal little boy. He’s just so sweet, he’s been worrying over his loose teeth for months. Sometimes he’s so eager to hurry up and lose them, and other times he has all these little worries, “Will I still be handsome with a hole in my smile? Will I REALLY only be able to eat soup?” But we had a long talk about it one morning with lots of hugs and reassurance, and by the end of that day, that little sucker was ready to come out! I was surprised and impressed that Sawyer was brave and excited and let me pull it out for him. (For the mighty Sawyer the Warrior is as brave as you will ever find when it comes to hospitals and fighting cancer, but he is a standard 6 year old weenie about skinned knees and paper cuts and accidental mustard on his sandwich). But that tooth came right out and you have never seen a boy so proud. He squealed with joy and pride! And now he carries it with him everywhere!

~ for the kindness of our local police officers. We live close to the station, so they regularly frequent our street, and are faithful to stop and say hi and pass out stickers. I love the opportunity for these hardworking servants to be greeted with cheers and smiles. We LOVE our first responder friends!

~ for a stay-at-home date with my Love. Thanks to his Father’s Day giftcard from Colton, we enjoyed a feast from Texas Roadhouse. It was nice to enjoy a treat together, even if I had a little monkey that hung on my neck the whole time AND ate my entire sweet potato.

~ for the bright crimson cardinals that dart across our neighborhood and chatter in our trees.

~ for succulent pork loin slow cooked all day, and the creamiest mashed potatoes made in the instant pot. Anybody have any favorite instant pot recipes to share? I am learning how to use it, but haven’t gotten the hang of it yet.

~ for the over abundant blessing of our home. Josh and I had prayed for the Lord to lead us to the right place for our family 3 years ago, and we have worked hard to transform it to meet the needs of our Tribe. We are so humbled and thankful to have this comfortable, beautiful haven that we love so much. With all that’s going on, this is pretty much where we spend all our time. I really don’t go anywhere, and I’m so thankful to be so safe and more than comfortable, nestled in with my people. Sometimes it’s crowded, but it’s bursting with life and love.

~ for a new puzzle, genuinely challenging, but still conquered by the kids in ONE DAY!

~ for Cooper having an awesome week at camp. We got to see pictures while he was away, and it looks like the most fun ever. He came home bleary-eyed, exhausted, and exhilarated. But man, I had forgotten about the blistering stench of a week’s worth of camp laundry. That is no joke.

~ for online church broadcasts. It is such a blessing to stay connected with our church body even though we are not attending in person. We love our church so much. And I love that both Cooper and Carson Grace have the opportunity and the desire to serve on the audio/visual and the worship teams. Cooper is behind the scenes helping make sure everything looks and sounds great, and the kids are so excited to see their big sister on the screen! They think she’s SO FAMOUS!

~ for fun painting projects. Finished 3 orders this week, and 2 more to go. So grateful to have steady orders coming in.

I even got to paint for myself. The big circle below is a weathered table top I found on the side of the road last year. I knew when I picked it up that one day it would be a showstopper of a sign, but I didn’t know where it would fit or what I was put on it. Quite some time ago, we had heard a sermon where our pastor used the phrase, “love lavishly,” referencing 1 John 3, and that phrase resonated with Josh deeply. He later said he knew that’s what he wanted on our sign.

Ever since sketching the phrase on the sign with chalk, I’ve been chewing on it in my mind. What does that really mean? To love generously, excessively, more than we deserve. We are wayward, rebellious, and self serving, yet the Maker of heaven and earth calls us His daughters and sons. His love knows no bounds. By adorning my wall with these two words, I am issuing a challenge to myself that I will be reminded of daily.

Love beyond the minimum. Love more that is expected or deserved. Love radically, excessively, hilariously, recklessly.

Because God loves me that way. He gave me the love of a husband beyond anything I ever could have wished for. He blessed me with a family larger than any crazy dream I could have come up with. He took me out of the pile of garbage that was my life before I knew Him and made me clean and new and His. Just like I picked up a dirty, broken table, unable to function as it should, cast off on the side of the road, and saw its beauty and potential as something new.

I can’t love like Him. I’m still a mess. I’m FAR too selfish, too short-tempered, too tired. But God. Christ IN ME can love lavishly. Jesus’s Love can pour through the holes in me and love my kids and my husband and my neighbors and my enemies like that.

I’m glad it is painted BIG where I can be reminded every day.

Let’s love lavishly this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. (1 John 3:1-2)

“We love, because He first loved us.” (1John 4:19)

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

Raise a Hallelujah

~ for Happy Mail. So fun to open up your very own mail. Especially when it’s full of STICKERS!!! Thank you Miss Linda!

~ for Colton treating me to my very first Freddy’s burger. I’m a fan!

~ for the next step in our ongoing kitchen remodel project. Our tile arrived Wednesday around lunch, Josh got home about 7, and we got right to work! I love knocking projects out with my Love, and we both love putting the sweat equity into our home. Later in the week, our replacement window was installed. Goodbye to the smeary windows that never came clean because of the broken seal between the panes. The new window is bright and giant and so clear it looks like there’s no glass in it! I am absolutely certain that it will never be this clean again, but I will enjoy it while it lasts!

~ for a special day with a really special girl. Kora, Gavin, and Zoe’s biological big sister Grace had her birthday this weekend, and what she wanted most was to see her little siblings. Is that not the sweetest thing? Grace and her family moved several years ago, so visits are few and far between. But what a joy to spend the day with her. We ate lunch, swam, painted rocks together, and baked cookies. It meant the world to all 4 of them. A one day visit is never long enough, so there were lots of tears at “goodbye,” but still, it blesses me to see the genuine love and bond they share. Adoption is so beautiful. But it is inextricably tied up with loss and pain. My babies had a life before me. My motherly instinct is to protect them from the painful parts of their story, and shield them from the hurt. But it’s all part of their story. And by erasing or hiding what I would selfishly and short-sightedly deem the “messy” parts, would also steal from them their own miraculous redemption story and the awesome story of their first big sister that shares their blood. Lord, give me the courage to trust what You are doing and not get in Your way. Pry off my anxiously controlling hands and write their story Your way. BUT GOD!

~ thankfully, our kids didn’t have time to be sad for long, because as soon as Grace drove away with her mom, we had another knock at the door: Uncle Mike and Cousin Kenedy! We enjoyed having them for the weekend!

~ for new goggles. Does anything make kids happier than new goggles?

~ for homemade ice cream. Is there anything better than homemade ice cream???

~ for Cooper’s favorite week of the year: Pine Cove! He loves his time at camp more than anything, and we dropped him off today. Can’t wait to hear about all the fun he has and all that the Lord will do in his heart this week!

~ for a great time celebrating Josh for Father’s Day. We had all his favorites: juicy grilled burgers with sharp cheddar and blue cheese, jalepeno chips, sweet tea, and homemade chocolate ice cream. I love this man so much, and the way he faithfully lives his faith in front of his kids and models to them how to love lavishly. I love how hard he works even when he’s dog tired and always hurting. We don’t call him “Giddyup” for nothing. I love that his favorite part of every project is watching my face when I admire it, because he says his favorite thing to do is make me happy. I will never understand why God has blessed me with a love this big, and I will never stop thanking Him that He did.

Today during worship at church (via the Rucker satellite campus) one of the songs was a favorite of our whole family, “Raise a Hallelujah.” There’s something so soul-stirring about hearing my children’s little voices lifted, singing at the top of their lungs to their Lord, “I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm. Louder and louder you’re gonna hear my praises roar.”

In that moment, it became my prayer. My prayer over EVERYTHING. Over the divisions about how to handle Covid 19. Over all the injustices and the big and the small polarizing issues people are all raging about. Over all the voices screaming at once about every hot topic. Over my own anxiety. Over my children.

“Sing a little louder, in the presence of my enemies…

Sing a little louder, louder than the unbelief…

Sing a little louder, my weapon is a melody

Sing a little louder, heaven comes to fight for me…”

It sounds silly, but what if we really did that? What if we all raised a hallelujah in the middle of our storms, a hallelujah that became louder than the noise? What if we really believed that praising God is a weapon that will defeat the darkness? What if we really loved others openhandedly, with no agenda, no catch, with the love of Christ? I’m not trying to sound like a Hallmark card, not am I trying to act like I’m doing it right myself. I just believe that it really does make a difference when we make simple but genuine changes in the way we respond to our circumstances. And when it all boils down, the ONLY cause I want to champion is the cause of Christ. Lord, let it be so. Stay my eyes on You, Lord.

Speaking of which, it is Clinic Week for Sawyer. It’s his first time back to the hospital since all the virus outbreaks and sheltering in place, so I won’t pretend it doesn’t cause my heart to pound a little faster. Hospital restrictions will only allow one adult to accompany a patient, so for the first time in as long as I can remember, it will be just Sawyer and I. His appointment is Wednesday, and I will post an update that evening. We are grateful for your prayers that our Warrior Boy remains cancer free.

Will you raise a hallelujah with me this week?

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The LORD reigns; Let the earth rejoice; Let the multitude of isles be glad! Clouds and darkness surround Him; Righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. A fire goes before Him, And burns up His enemies round about. His lightnings light the world; The earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax at the presence of the LORD, At the presence of the Lord of the whole earth. The heavens declare His righteousness, And all the peoples see His glory.” (Psalms 97:1-6)

“Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: “Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns.” (Revelation 19:6)

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10)

Tipping Point

I am thankful:

~ For class zoom meetings. The kids love getting to see their teachers and their classmates. This week Kora enjoyed dressing up for an early celebration of Cinco de Mayo with her Spanish teacher (and feast on delicious leftover tacos from Colton), and Sawyer got to share his pets with his friends. Zoe proudly demonstrated her science experiment about surface tension.

~ for peace that passes understanding, especially when delivered as a profound lesson taught by my child. This week one of the school chapel songs was a favorite of the kids. As it began to play, Sawyer said excitedly, “I love this song! We’re gonna sing it at my graduation!” Then the realization hit (which I wasn’t sure if he actually knew or not) and he said quietly, “Oh…but I’m not even gonna have my graduation.” I instantly felt hot tears welling in my eyes. Oh, how it hurts this Mama’s heart that he should miss out on this milestone that we never dared to dream he should reach. But almost in the same breath, I heard Sawyer (and all his brothers and sisters) boldly belting out the opening lyrics of the song, “This is the day, that You have made. Whatever comes, I won’t complain. For all my hope is in Your Name, and now Your joy awaits my praise. I give thanks for all You have done. And I will sing of Your mercy and Your love. Your love is unfailing, Lord I am grateful!” His attitude is so much better than mine! He too, is experiencing disappointment, but it is not crippling his JOY! He has proudly memorized Psalm 23 and his little speaking part for a video the school is putting together. When he got all doodled up for the video for his teacher, he was so excited, he never wanted to change out of his “fancy” clothes. How cute was my little pupil working in his bow tie!? He also had the MOST THRILLING visit this week, from his BELOVED teacher, Mrs. Key! She brought him Starbust for being a “STAR” student, and a yard sign that we have proudly displayed in our front yard. Thank You Father for your unspeakable grace.

~ for the gift of music. Kora has been memorizing a passage from 1 Thessalonians, and the words brought to mind a song written by a dear friend. I was able to play it for her, and her eyes just sparkled when she heard God’s Word brought to life in such a fresh new way that she understood so much better. The song is a jubilant anthem looking toward the day when we Believers will all join together with Jesus in the sky. It has been playing in my heart all week.

~ for the sweetest and most thoughtful “teacher appreciation” care package I received in the mail. Thank you to all who have prayed over our story problems. They are still a problem, but I think we will all live to tell the story.

~ for the most unique spring concert experience for Samantha and Kora. Obviously, quarantine and social distancing has made many spring traditions difficult or impossible. But our school creatively found a way for fourth and fifth graders to gather in the parking lot at a safe distance and lift their voices and recorders to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Memorable to be sure. ~ for gorgeous weather. Friday we worked hard to get all schoolwork done before lunch, and we headed to the park around the corner from our house. It is a tucked away spot, and rarely have we run into anyone else there. We spread out our blanket in the shade, and I read to the kids while they ate their picnic. Then it was playground time, and picking wildflowers, and climbing trees. It was a lovely afternoon.

~ for a very special birthday. Colton, our firstborn, the one who made me a Mama, turned 21. When I had Colton, I was so young and naive. He was literally the first baby I ever held, and I was absolutely terrified. I never thought I’d be a mom, but now that I was, I wanted so badly to do it well. I loved him fiercely. Being a mom was the first thing I absolutely knew I could not do on my own, and that brokenness and desperation was what ultimately led me to recognize my need for a Savior. Josh and I have always said that Colton led 2 people to the Lord as a baby, so we have always known God had a special plan for this beautiful boy. He was always a challenging child: strong-willed, always with 2 toes over the boundary lines. We weren’t sure if we (or he) would survive his teen years. We went through some pretty ugly seasons, and more sleepless nights than I can even count. BUT GOD. My boy is growing into a man, and he is finding his way as a respectful, compassionate individual who actually CHOOSES to spend time with him mom and dad. I honestly wasn’t sure we’d ever get there. Now I am freshly convinced that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…” God is always wooing and drawing and working through and behind what we see in front of our eyes. I am so grateful. He came over to hang out and have dinner 4 nights this week, played wiffleball and swam, and watch a movie. We celebrated on his birthday with crescent chicken, sweet potato fries with homemade ranch, and his oh-so-sophisticated dessert choice: confetti cake. Loved celebrating him, celebrating all that God has done, and all that God has in store.

~ for Facebook live concert from Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood. And for dancing to “To Make You Feel My Love” with my husband in the kitchen. We never do that. But in that moment, it was perfect.

~ for gorgeous weather for wiffleball, snake-free walks, and swimming.

~ for a refreshing change of pace. Josh brought home a new puzzle, just 199 pieces. At first I was disappointed, knowing it was way too easy. But the fact that it was a Frozen 2 puzzle meant it would be an instant hit with the Little People, and it was probably time for some quick satisfaction. During nap time I decided to challenge myself, and set a timer. 50 minutes and 38 seconds. Not bad. I think I find puzzles so satisfying in this season because they are a manageable challenge with a clear beginning and end. It is a task that can be concretely completed. The feeling of success. The kids were as thrilled as expected, and finished it almost as quickly as I did. They were sweet and took out the last 3 pieces after they were done, and left them for baby sister. She was so tickled.

Mental health is not a joke. I’ve never hopped on the “self-care“ bandwagon… It usually seems like a license to grossly self indulge, overspend, and let “me time” push to top priority at the expense of others. This is not Jesus’ way, and it shouldn’t be ours. I don’t “need” time with my girlfriends, or to shop, or pamper myself. Any of those things are enjoyable, a great treat, and something to look forward to. But I’ve never seen them as a “need.”

But I got to a tipping point this week. It might sound funny, likely sounds relatable, but it’s just unfiltered truth. I couldn’t remember when I had last showered. I was wearing the same clothes for daytime, to bed, and again the next day, (because WHY NOT?) I glimpsed myself in the mirror (quite by accident, because WHY?) and I hardly recognized myself. I hadn’t bothered to style my hair in days (because WHY?) so my natural not-exactly-straight-not-exactly-wavy-frizzy-and-stylistically-confused hair with it’s unintentional hombre of blonde/brown/silver was taking on a somewhat Einstein-esque quality. I didn’t look like someone who should be caring for children. Let alone someone who should be responsible for anyone’s education.

I am not and was not depressed. But I also realized: I was not ok. I was sleepwalking through my unrecognizable life, even though I was still (mostly) successfully checking all the boxes: morning Bible study✔️ frequent private and shared prayer throughout the day✔️reading aloud to the kids every morning✔️ faithfully keeping kids on the task of completing their daily schoolwork ✔️keeping my house reasonably clean✔️maintaining the illusion to the “outside” that I “had it all together” and that the Ruckers were “ROCKING THE QUARANTINE.”✔️ Another parent said something similar, “We’ve been doing pretty well. But this week, WE HIT A WALL.”

That night after the kids were in bed, I took a bath. I turned on my favorite soft worship playlist and soaked the day off in the hot water and the music. The next day I did my hair and put on a little makeup and changed out of pajamas and put on clothes. (OK so it was actually just changing from one set of loungewear to a nearly identical set of loungewear. A purely lateral move, but at least it was the physical act of changing clothes.) Just putting in the minimal effort to feel like a human. Even something so small and seemingly trivial, I realized how much I had missed the daily reminder of putting on my beautiful handmade gold bracelet inscribed with “it is well.” That afternoon, I took my paints out to a semi-shaded spot in the driveway and worked on a sign while listening to the birds with a gentle breeze on my face.

It wasn’t magic. I still stink at math. In fact, one of my ANONYMOUS “students” shouted disdainfully at me this week after checking a problem, “HA! You were WRONG!” And other told me, “You’re not THAT bad, you just need a little help from a REAL teacher.” BUT…the slight shift of my focus to putting a little effort into myself was a mood lifter. It also made my husband smile. And maybe if I wasn’t a BETTER teacher, at least I didn’t look like such a scary one.

Wherever you are, however you are handling your situation and your trials, God sees you. He has promised not to leave you or forsake you. You are not alone. He may not take the fire away, but He will stand in it with you. It’s ok to take care of yourself, and give yourself grace. If you are slipping, call out to Jesus. Call out to a friend. And it’s ok to admit that you’re not ok. If your faith is in yourself, it was in the wrong place anyway. Remember who you are and more importantly, WHOSE you are. We are all in this together. And then look for the blessings around you. They are there.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:3-6)

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalms 42:1-5)

“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a shout, and the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will be the first ones to rise to meet the Lord. Then we who are alive will be looking to the skies. And we’ll be caught up there with our brothers in the clouds. I just wish it were now.” (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18, paraphrased by Randy Skiles)

Pearls

I am thankful:

~ for a fun surprises. Our Children’s pastor popped by to say hello and drop off bubbles for all the kids. Then another friend dropped off a box of hand-me-downs for Tatum K. And we had another porch drop-off, a handmade large scale Yatzee game (“Yard-zee”) with the sweetest note! I am so blessed by how thoughtful and kind people have been to come up with ways to be an encouragement during this season.~ for the Lord’s protection. The kids and I had our daily walk, down to the end of our road and back. On our way back, the kids rode on ahead of me, and I thought I saw something on the road. As I got closer, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing was real: a MASSIVE snake, no less than 6 feet long, stretched out right where we had walked minutes before. My knees immediately started shaking, but I quickly passed it with Tatum K in her stroller (not before snapping a quick picture of it first of course!)

~ for sweet moments in the midst of school.

~ for the leading of the Holy Spirit. Wednesday, Tatum K suddenly came down with a fever, and said “her feelings hurted.” My mind didn’t go anywhere completely crazy. We’ve been quarantined faithfully, I actually wasn’t worried about “IT.” But I did not relish the thought of a house full of sick kids on lockdown. We established a quarantine within our quarantine in our bedroom for her, and kept her away from all the other children. Changed my clothes EVERY time I held her, and re-washed ALL the bed linens every day. On day three, as I was getting her ready for bed, I noticed a faint rash across her back and groin area, and my stomach dropped. I immediately made arrangements to take her in to Dr. Everett the next day. We had our first experience with an outdoor pediatrician appointment. And sure enough: strep throat + scarlet fever, just like Sawyer had almost 2 months ago. We can’t imagine how she got it. I can’t believe it could still be living on a surface from that long ago, especially with how much sanitizing I’ve been doing. It’s baffling. But so thankful that we caught it quickly. Already after just a couple doses of antibiotics, she is fully recovered. Her “feelings are betta now” and she is back to her spunky, sassy self.~for our very first FULLY INTACT, completed 1000 piece puzzle! It was glorious! Now, there was some mischievous tomfoolery surrounding the last couple days of completion… a couple of my smarty-pants kids thought it would be funny to steal a piece or two. But eventually they were all recovered. It was a thrilling victory.

~ for our pups. Whether they are at my side when I paint, crowding their way on the hammock when I am trying to have a quiet moment, or chasing each other around and over the furniture, they keep us smiling.

~ for the deep sigh of relief after I make it through another of the kids’ math problems. Seriously though. Who invented story problems? I don’t think he was a very nice guy. The best part of every day is the moment when I no longer have to be a math teacher.

~for three kids who were able to receive their Superior Cougar Fitness awards via an online meeting with their teacher and receive a printable copy of their certificates. I’m so grateful that the school is doing everything they can to accommodate for special memories for the students during this strange time of separation.

~ again for wonderful and good-natured neighbors. One morning the kids came in from outside shrieking, “We found a turtle!“ They were thrilled and instantly began creating a turtle habitat. The next day, they were eager to show it off to our neighbors, who promptly exclaimed, “That’s OUR turtle! We found it yesterday!” And so, the turtle was returned to his rightful “finder keepers.“ But after some chatting back-and-forth, it seems that they have all agreed to shared custody. Poor little fella. He sure wandered into the wrong yard! TWICE!

~ for the most gorgeous weather! The kids have swam a couple of times – it’s really NOT warm enough for swimming, but they don’t really care. It’s been perfect weather for our walks, wiffle ball tournaments, for washing the car, and daily picnics.

~ for a wonderful day of celebration. One of our Gold Network of East Texas heroes celebrated her last chemotherapy this week after two years of treatment for leukemia. To celebrate, her family arranged for a drive-through celebration. What a joyful day! GLORY TO THE LORD!

~ for 90% completion of the DIY project from last week. We had painted the mudroom not long ago with a homemade mix of some leftover paint we had on hand, and we never loved it. And the paint we had used on the mudroom door had never cured. So we gave the room a fresh coat of soft gray paint (replacing the wanna-be-grey-but-actually-more-like-baby-blue color) and the door was first peeled, then primed, then painted navy, then white (in 18 hours) before we finally landed on the right shade of medium warm gray. Josh ripped out some non-functional builtins from our mudroom and replaced them with new lockers that I then antiqued to look like a vintage find!

It was a fun, lightning-fast project, and we love the way it turned out! We still have a bit of touch up to do, and I have a new idea I want to try out, but it’s almost done. I have loved transforming this space into one of the most practical and hard-working rooms in our home.

~ for an ABSOLUTE FEAST! Colton came over and cooked for us! He has learned how to cook his favorite authentic Mexican tacos, and gave his ole’ Mom a cooking lesson! They were without a doubt, the MOST DELICIOUS tacos I have ever eaten! I could not have been more impressed. Both by the tasty meal my son prepared and the joy on his face as we cooked in the kitchen side by side. Love him so much and so thankful for the growth and healing in our relationship.

Anyone else exhausted? Just raw? Like a blister that rubs and rubs and rubs and never gets a chance to heal. It’s exhausting being brave all the time. Exhausting walking the same path in the same walls with the same people every single day. This morning I was rubbed raw. Everything was frustrating. We overslept. We had technical difficulties with online church, like we have EVERY WEEK. For some reason, even after six weeks, we just never can quite get it figured out. So I sat on the couch, wrestling with myself, feeling how none of this is how it’s supposed to be. But once worship started, I saw our sweet worship pastor on the screen with his guitar, flanked by his kids on the keyboard and the cajon. What a blessing to see faces of people that I love and miss so much. And I purposed in my heart as they begin to play, that my flesh would not hinder me from worshiping my Creator. He is WORTHY. My circumstances will not dictate my ability and MY RESPONSIBILITY to worship Him as He is due. So we stood together as a family and begin to sing. And as is so often the case, the song prepared in advance and pre-recorded by the worship pastor was the song that God knew would meet me in that moment. “Lord I run into Your arms unashamed because of mercy. I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You.” And there in my living room, in my robe and slippers, with tears streaming down my face, I stood in the presence of the Lord, experiencing some of the purest moments of fellowship with my Heavenly Father that I have ever had in my life. As the next song began, the room was filled with the voices of my children, “Waymaker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light in the darkness. My God, that is who You are.“

He is good. All the time. “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working.” There is purpose in this season. Part of that purpose is for us to look for AND TESTIFY OF the blessings that we find. In a time when we are forced to be apart, we need each other more than ever! We must encourage each other, spur each other on, take turns lifting one another and then being carried. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A MATH TEACHER! But I DO want to be a Mama that can patiently sit by my child while they work through a concept, for as long as it takes, and then can celebrate their accomplishment when they finally master it. I never would have tried had it not been for this season. My kids have seen me cry more in the last 6 weeks of quarantine than they did during 3 years of cancer. But that’s because I am with them EVERY MOMENT, and there is so much good in that. And after they’ve seen me cry, they’ve heard me reassure them that I’m ok, and we’ve had some great conversations and some of the very best hugs. I have great hope for lasting fruit to come from these trying days. Pearls are formed from painful, sandy discomfort that we can’t get rid of, no matter how hard we try. Lord, make pearls in us. Out of us. And when we look upon the unique beauty of a pearl, let us give thanks for the irritation that caused it to be born. I look forward to draping myself in garlands of story-problem-shaped pearls one day.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” (Psalms 51:10-12)

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.” (Matthew 13:45-46)

He is Risen!

This has been a week of celebration inside our quarantine. We celebrated Dad’s birthday and Tatum K’s birthday. We celebrated surviving another week of virtual schooling. And today we celebrated our Risen Savior, who took the punishment we deserved to give us Life Everlasting.

I found it a different flavor of hard: balancing the freedom I think I SHOULD feel with the mandated (and hypothetical) slower pace of life, with the ACTUAL pressure I feel with a million times more on my plate than ever before, compounded by a compulsion to make events MORE special to compensate for what the kids might be missing out on, and to make the most of every opportunity.

I know it’s a trap, but it’s just where I’ve been.

This morning our family was awakened by crashing thunder and screaming sirens. The 11 of us plus 2 dogs took shelter in the laundry room as violent storms triggered a tornado warning in our neighborhood. I couldn’t help but think of the skies darkening and the earth shaking as so many years ago when the stone was rolled away revealing the empty tomb that couldn’t hold Jesus. Today’s storm passed as quickly as it had blown in, and gave way to a brilliantly beautiful and sunny day. It was a different kind of day. BUT GOD. I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. My heart is full.

At my wonderful husband’s request, I am going to share pictures of our week and get back to soaking up time with my loves. Because this is time well spent, and time that I’ll never get back.

Happy Resurrection Day! He is Risen! He is Risen INDEED!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He is not here, for He has risen, just as He said. Come, see the place where He was lying.” (Matthew 28:6)

“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” (Psalms 126:3)

“He called my name, and I ran out of that grave. Out of the darkness, into Your Glorious Day!” (“Glorious Day” by Passion)

Clobbered

~ for Josh’s new teeth! He has had half-done dental work that has left him with 2 missing front teeth for almost 6 months. Since having his affected teeth removed, he’s had numerous reschedulings, cancellations, and setbacks. This has been irritating, painful, inconvenient, and humbling. And with the events of late, we weren’t sure how much longer he was going to have to wait. THANKFULLY, the dentist agreed completing Josh’s procedure could be classified as an emergency. And now my handsome husband has his beautiful smile back! SO THANKFUL!

~ for National Doctor’s Day. We LOVE our doctors, and are so thankful for the impact they have had on our lives. I love that this season is causing us to spend more time THANKING these and other Community Helpers, real heroes that are serving us every day.

~ for more positives with home schooling than negatives. I am so proud of the kids’ attitudes. They have obediently and MOSTLY eagerly stayed on track with their work, and it has really not been a battle to keep them engaged.

~ for second chances. And third. And 87th. I am not a good teacher. Oh, sometimes I am. I CAN be fun and creative and patient. But I’m usually not. Especially when I’m not teaching material that I’m familiar with. And especially when my student isn’t grasping the concept. After the 3rd time. Or the 87th time. So in the middle of a particularly trying lesson…a math lesson, (and believe me when I say that I have NO BUSINESS TEACHING ANYONE MATH), I just laid down with my face on the floor and asked Jesus for help. We wrestled our way through it, and who knows if any of it actually penetrated the child’s understanding, but at least we got the answer on the assignment solved finally. And I hugged that sweet one tight and we both cried. And I made a promise, I said, “We’re gonna get through this. You’re gonna keep trying and Mama’s gonna keep trying, ok?” BUT GOD. Grace upon grace.

~ for steady wifi service.

~ for groceries in the pantry. We are stretched and learning to be creative, but we don’t lack for anything we actually NEED.

~ for our morning devotions. I’m so thankful to start each day with the kids in the Word. It’s not magic, it doesn’t make everything go great. But at least I know we are starting in the right place and keeping the first things FIRST.

~ for coffee. I will forever thank coffee as my official sponsor of 2020. And I also thank dry shampoo, deodorant, and stretchy pants.

~ for calls from our wonderful GCS family. They are checking in on us, perhaps a little “mental health triage” and it is so heart-warming to hear those familiar voices of the friends we miss so much. It’s awesome to KNOW that they are praying for us, as we are praying for them.

~ for the tiny carrot seedlings that have poked their heads from the earth, reminding me that new life is always pushing forth. Lord, let my heart be fertile ground for the things you want to birth in me.

~ for the jumbo economy bucket of ice cream that we originally bought just because it was cheap, and now we think is the very best-tasting ice cream ever.

~ for family movie and pizza night. For living room forts and inside picnics. For cuddling with my husband, and with the children that still want to. Everything means more now than ever before.

~ for my brave husband. He has the courage to step out in faith and do what is RIGHT even if it goes against popular opinion or social standards. I’m so proud of the way he leads our family.

~ for re-starting our online “Thankful Game.” It’s definitely a good time to spur one another on to giving thanks. We’ve shared some much-needed laughs too.

~ for multiple online platforms of encouraging sermons this morning, even Children’s Church. I get excited thinking about how many people who are tiptoeing into churches for the first time in a long time, now that it is accessible right in their homes.

~ for my hammock. I do love a hammock.

~ that our quarantine could never be classified as LONELY or BORING. Again, this is something I don’t always count as a blessing, but boy I should!

~ for reminders when I need reminding. I had a strange encounter earlier this week, on the one occasion that I actually left the house to run an errand. The grocery courtesy clerk counted the stick people across the back of my van. “Wow, is this everybody?” “Yep,” I said, “we’ve got a houseful.” I couldn’t believe my ears when he said candidly, “Man, I would HATE to be you.” I shook off my shock and quickly refuted, “No way! It’s awesome! It’s more fun than you can even imagine!” Moments like that are so eye-opening. Because I DON’T always love having a huge family. My heart isn’t always thankful for having huge messes and huge grocery bill and driving a huge vehicle. Especially when we are all on top of each other for who knows how long. But when I’m reminded of how blessed I am… Man, I’m thankful. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I’m sure most of us are having lots of ups and downs. Days when we are brave and optimistic and ready to learn what God has for us during this time of being “set apart.” Days when we feel scared and uncertain and small and trapped. And days when we just feel unmotivated and schlumpy. (That’s the technical term.) I was on the trampoline with the kids this afternoon, trying to be “Fun Mom.” Everyone was having a good time, weather was perfect, lots of laughs. And I even took a turn to jump. One of the kids started jumping at the same time, and we collided in the air, landing in a heap of sharp little knees and elbows. Hard. The child, unscathed bounced back up giggling. I did not. My wrist and my shin were throbbing from the collision. And out of nowhere, tears started to well in my eyes. Before I knew it, they were pouring. The pain from the fall unlocked a deep well that had been filling and filling somewhere inside me, and once I started, there was no stopping the flood. I just felt CLOBBERED. Clobbered by an accident on the trampoline when I was trying to be fun. Clobbered by the relentless workload of homeschooling 6 kids when I don’t know what I’m doing. Clobbered by teens who (like all the rest of the world) are irritated by their lack of freedoms and feeling sorry for themselves, without the benefit of perspective, empathy, or maturity. Clobbered by the sight of all my kids glued to screens for hours every day, which is contrary to everything I have ever taught them. Clobbered by the fear- and control-shaped holes in my faith that keep creeping in. Clobbered by a new, worse headline in the news every day. Clobbered by weeks upon weeks of little sleep. Clobbered by the guilt that I don’t have the right to complain because so many others have it so much worse. Clobbered by the weight of looking brave.

Maybe you feel like that. Clobbered. I just submit to you that that’s ok. God can handle it, if you’ll just turn to Him. Even though I feel clobbered, I still know the Truth. I know that even if it all gets a whole lot worse before it gets better, I know God wins in the end. And we are all in this together. Don’t believe the lie that you have to do it in your own strength, or that no one else feels like you, or that all the other Christians are keeping it together except you. I’m gonna be strong some days, and encourage one of you on your hard day. And when I can’t get my feet under me, someone is going to leave some sunshine on my doorstep, just because. It’s ok if you don’t teach your kid like the teacher does, or if you don’t know how to check their math. It’s ok if you take a break or don’t get it all done. It’s ok if you don’t go on nature walks with your kids every night after dinner and read them a book before you tuck them in to bed. It’s ok if you don’t alphabetize your closets and learn a new language and do a Pinterest craft every Thursday. (And it’s ok if you do!) It’s ok if you only shower once a week and don’t change out of your Sunday clothes until Wednesday (purely hypothetical, of course). This may be a glorious season of growth for most of us, and I genuinely believe God has that in His plan… but in the midst of all that growth, there’s gonna be pain, and wrestling, and some of it we may not understand for a long time to come.

Be kind to yourself. When you have a great day, or a great moment – reach out to somebody and share some joy. And when you blow it: take a deep breath, and give yourself a do-over. Let’s look for opportunities to love one another well this week, if even from a distance. It’s Easter Week, the time of year most celebrated by Believers. We will celebrate that Christ is Risen! He bravely, willingly, and perfectly endured unbearable suffering and separation from His Father. And He did it for us. We DO have so much to be thankful for! Prepare your heart for the JOY THAT IS COMING!

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Sing praise to the LORD, you saints of His, And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.” (Psalms 30:4-5)

Yes I Will

Some weeks we have to dig a little deeper to find the blessings.

But they are ALWAYS there.

Last week, we had an ambiguous “extra week” of Spring Break, we “played” school to stay busy, and learned new words like “pandemic” and “social distancing.”

This week, Virtual Learning was officially launched by our school. Effective immediately. Duration, indefinitely. At my house, that means I now teach Kindergarten, 2nd grade, 3rd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade, and 9th grade, ALL subjects ranging from phonics to Algebra, Spanish, Latin, world geography, literature, Bible, and history. By the end of the week, the mayor issued the “Shelter in Place” order, and we are now pretty much on lockdown. Carson Grace received word from ETBU that on campus classes will not reconvene this school year.

Life feels like it is on perpetual pause. Groundhog Day over and over again. What day is it? Who knows? Does it even matter?

People have asked how I am managing with 8 kids, homeschooling, not leaving the house, and my anxiety. The most honest response I can give is, I’m glad there are no witnesses. It’s been ok. We’ve had rough moments. And sweet ones. I’ve had kids snuggled in my lap while I read to them, we have played together, we have danced together, and we have worshipped. On the other hand, I have lost my cool. I’ve yelled. I’ve cried. I’ve laid awake for hours at night. I’ve eaten more sweets than I will ever admit to.

But more than ever, I GENUINELY BELIEVE this season is about putting our faith into practice. Of course it SHOULD always be that way. But let’s get real. We are finding out if we really believe the things we used to say so casually…. “God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!”

We have a choice.

I am thankful:

~ for new mercies every morning. I need to go back over my Sunday Gratitudes (how can it be that I have been writing every Sunday for almost 6 years now???) and see how many times I have been thankful for new morning mercies. That is nothing new. But boy, I am so grateful as I collapse into bed every night that the day is OVER and I get to start fresh the next day. Every day is a do-over.

~ for the hard work our teachers and administration has done to transfer all of their curriculum into an online format for us. I HAVE NEVER APPRECIATED OUR WONDERFUL TEACHERS SO MUCH! Wow! The things we realize we have under-appreciated or taken for granted! They have done a TREMENDOUS JOB of making this switch happen basically overnight. I am completely in awe of their giftings: their knowledge, their patience, and their love for all our kids that kept them coming back to their jobs day after day. Oh how I miss my kids’ teachers! (I bet not HALF as much as my KIDS miss their teachers! Their new teacher is SO MEAN! And never goes away!)

~ for generous help from loved ones to supplement the groceries we can’t stock up on for our jumbo-sized clan.

~ for my kids OUTSTANDING attitudes. They’ve had a few bumps (mostly in response to my own volatile moods), but so far they are still eager to get to their school work, and enjoying the material, and very forgiving of their grumpy teacher. I’m truly the most blessed mama in all the world.

~ for another successful out-of-my-comfort-zone first. The physical Laurel & Cotton Spring Sale was obviously cancelled, but the feisty shop owner, Melissa, undeterred, launched a virtual sale via Facebook LIVE. That meant a crash course in camera-work and social media for each vendor. It was nerve-wracking and felt completely awkward to talk to my phone (check out my CLASSY, PRO-FESSIONAL tripod!) and imagine an invisible audience in my living room (while my Littles were banished into hiding upstairs). Amazingly enough, it went well, I had several kind viewers and comments, and I actually sold a bunch of Giddyup & Whoa signs, including more after the LIVE sale ended! I was thrilled! Not only that, but Melissa sold raffle tickets and designed an exclusive Go GOLD t-shirt, and raised $665 for Gold Network of East Texas! What an awesome blessing!

~ for Josh’s job. There seem to be new developments every day, and we know we cannot take anything for granted anymore. The actual store is closed, so his interaction with the public is pretty minimal. He had to lay off some employees this week, which was really hard on him. He never EVER complains, although I know the gravity of the times and all that he is responsible for weighs heavily on his heart. And he never fails to check on how I am doing, and to encourage me. I’m grateful we can be raw and real and honest with one another. No filter.

~ for technology. To accomplish virtual learning, we use a desktop computer, wireless printer, 2 laptops, 2 iPads, and a phone. Thus far our router has held up to the massive usage, and I’ve been shocked and thoroughly impressed at how minimal the technical issues have been. And we also had the opportunity to FaceTime with friends we hardly ever get to see. This forced slower pace and social distancing is causing us to be more intentional.

~ for coffee. 3 to 4 pots a day.

~ for our safe and comfortable home, and having everything we need. We have kind, loving neighbors, a beautiful, quiet street. Cooper has been organizing baseball tournaments and lizard hunts with the Littles. We are not suffering in our quarantine.

~ for laughs. We’ve had some good late nights with our bigger kids, watching tv and funny videos together. Carson Grace even badgered mom and dad and the whole Tribe into filming a TikTok video with her for a contest for school. She choreographed a routine with us, and we provided live entertainment for our neighborhood from our front yard. It was pretty hysterical how we all got into it.

~ for virtual church service from our living room. It brought such comfort to see our pastors’ faces and to worship together with THE CHURCH. We all even put on REAL CLOTHES for the occasion, and took the Lord’s Supper together. It was simple, intimate, and very special. I love that my kids are learning firsthand that the CHURCH has nothing to do with a building.

Hamburger bun and solo cups have never been so sanctified

~ for thoughtful care packages filled with love.

~ for glorious sunshine. Perfect for walks, PE, picnic lunches, and art class.

~ for “Live Meets” for each kiddo with their teacher and classmates. It was so good for their hearts to get to see and hear from their friends. And we got calls from several of our teachers, just checking in on us. I’m so blessed and thankful for our GCS community.

~ for the people “out in the world” that continue to go to work to keep the world running. First responders, healthcare workers, supermarket personnel, banks, truck drivers, sanitation workers…we will be grateful forever.

One of the things I’m going to treasure the most from this season is my time with the kids right after breakfast each morning before we start school. We snuggle up on the couch and each read verse by verse the Psalm and Proverb of the day, and then I’m reading to them from Hind’s Feet on High Places. What a perfect book for the season. The conversations with the children have been priceless. We have walked with Much Afraid as she faced Pride, Resentment, and Self-Pity, along the Sea of Loneliness and now into the Forests of Danger and Tribulation. How I want to respond as Acceptance With Joy, “He (the Shepherd) has brought me here when I did not want to come, for His own purpose. I, too, will look up into His face and say, ‘Behold me! I am your little handmaiden, Acceptance-with-Joy.’”

I’m not going to lie and say that’s where I’m at. But it is my prayer. I know that this is an opportunity for us to be refined and sifted by our LOVING FATHER. I know that my hope is IN HIM, and that this world is not my home. And I don’t want to miss the hidden blessings. God WILL REDEEM FOR GOOD what the enemy intends for evil. The immediate blessing of having extra quality time with my kids is just the beginning. I pray for a deep and lasting heart change and genuine appreciation to be birthed around the world.

So friends, let’s love one another well this week. We may not be able to gather together physically, but we can call and check in one one another. Write a letter. Send a text. Film a video. Get creative. I’m not sure how much energy I’ll have left to be creative after my packed days of homeschooling, but I’m going to do my best. It’s ok to be honest about how we feel. Everything is different, and oftentimes “different” = hard and scary. But we can’t be RULED by how we FEEL. Let’s give each other lots of grace and remember that kindness is contagious. It’s also ok to stay in stretchy pants. (But I personally AM making a commitment to shower more regularly this week.)

This song has really ministered to me this week, and the lyrics are especially appropriate for the season we are in. I hope it encourages you.

https://youtu.be/NrTv39-lG4M

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.” (Galatians 6:9-10)

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.” (Psalms 46:1-7)