Ready or Not

I am thankful:

~ for God’s mercy. I limped to Him last week (and every day since then) and He has lovingly held me and encouraged me and let me just be His child without all (or ANY of) the answers.

~ for an exciting new adventure for Colton. After years of working in the food service industry, this week he started his first “grown up job,” as a superintendent for a commercial construction company. He’s got a new uniform, his own business cards, and has already started traveling out of town for a large project. He has already learned so much in his first week, and has been eager to share details from his days with us. He is so excited about this big step, and we are so proud of him!

~ and a big next step for Carson Grace as well: we moved her back to ETBU for her sophomore year of college. New apartment-style dorm, new roommates, and a fresh new enthusiasm for her classes after the abrupt end of her freshman year. We got her stuff all moved in despite a sudden downpour, and her room is cozy and organized. As always, it was hard to say goodbye, but we know she’s right where she needs to be. Since she left, we have chatted every day, and this morning we all enjoyed watching her lead worship with one of her professors at his church via a LIVE broadcast. She is excited for her first day of classes tomorrow!

~ the mixed blessing of having Carson Grace back at school means I once again have my beautiful work space (her now empty bedroom) for Giddyup & Whoa painting. I love that room, the crisp white walls and gleaming natural light. It’s just a space that inspires me. We’ve had some lovely pieces to work on lately. All the kids have taken turns painting in there with me, as well as some rousing games of UNO and charades.

~ for a succulent roasted sheet pan dinner: BBQ chicken, quartered potatoes, and green beans.

~ for the great honor and privilege of Gold Network of East Texas being chosen as a charity beneficiary of the Fresh 15. The race took place back in March the week before the country shut down, and Brookshire’s Grocery Company held a Virtual Check Presentation this week. So thankful to be in the company of the finest and most respected nonprofits in our area.

~ for the perfect mouthwateringly tart sweetness of a cherry sour candy.

~ for 99.9% school supplies ready to go for all 6 kids. Especially considering A) as of Monday I had not purchased ONE ITEM and B) I did not have to set one foot in a store. Online shopping, I love you!

~ for the kindest people that the Lord has braided into our lives. It is no secret that the question facing nearly every family in America is whether or not to send their children to school. And Josh and I have wrestled day and night over our options. We have prayed. We have made lists of pros and cons. We have prayed. We have sought council. We have prayed. We have been still. We have prayed. And prayed and prayed and prayed. Ultimately, FOR US (and the most important distinction I want to stress is that EVERY FAMILY is doing their VERY BEST to make the best choice for THEIR CHILDREN…and that will mean something different to each of them. NO JUDGMENT!) we have made the decision to send our kids back to their school. And let me tell you, our kids are EXCITED! They are chomping at the bit to get back to their school and their teachers and classmates. Their eagerness and loyalty to their school has helped soothe our uncertainties at least a little. But it still is a weighty decision that I have continued to struggle with. BUT GOD. One day this week, our principal called to check in on our decision. I heard the words came out of my mouth, “We are planning to send them in person,” (as opposed to doing virtual learning from home). As soon as I spoke, I realized it was the first time I had spoken those words aloud, and I burst into tears on the phone. At that moment, our principal, my friend, became to pray for me right then. She prayed for God’s peace and grace to flood my heart, for protection for each of our children, and for wisdom to make the best decisions we can for our family. Her kindness and grace met me in that moment, and my weary heart was encouraged. I can’t say I’m past my concerns, or even that I am confident that we’ve made the right choice. I don’t even know that I can single out a particular ACTUAL FEAR that is plaguing me. Just that nothing feels safe or “normal” or familiar or easy. But I am freshly reminded of why we LOVE the community that has been our home for 16 years. They know us. They know our kids. They’ve seen us through fostering, through adopting, through cancer. They have rallied around us and prayed for us when we were tossed from one storm to the next. I am NOT thrilled with the prospect of sending my kids back out into a group setting with so many unknowns, but I AM CONFIDENT that they are going into an environment where they are loved and seen and that everyone on every level is covering every aspect with prayer.

This is a big week of dropping off supplies, meeting teachers, and for Kora and Samantha, touring a brand new school. Tomorrow is the first time tiptoeing out of the quarantine bubble as we start the precursory steps. The official first day of school is Wednesday. Since March, we have been home. Together. With the exception of an hour here or there, I haven’t been away from my kids. And believe it or not, I’m not impatiently waiting to boot them out of the house for some “peace and quiet.” After months of keeping them safely at arms’ reach, I can’t even wrap my mind around dropping all my babies off and driving away. Especially after daily temperature scans and with masks as a normal school supply. Ok, I’m starting to hyperventilate again, need to refocus my heart. It’s a big week and the kids are excited to meet their teachers and see their friends. I am excited to see God’s hand at work in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

And what in the world am I going to do with Hurricane Tatum K?

Thank you for all who have been praying for us. And for all of you moms, dads, cancer families, educators, administrators, doctors, nurses, first responders…I am praying for you, too. Lord, help guide us to the best choices for each of our families and also help us to respond to people who think similarly AND differently WITH KINDNESS AND GRACE. We all just want to get through this season the best we can. God is still on His throne where He has always been. His plan is still good, and I trust Him with my life and the lives of my children.

I’m back to praying two prayers over and over:

“Not my will, but Yours, Lord.” And “Jesus come.”

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”” (Zephaniah 3:17)

“Your love is deep, Your love is high. Your love is long, Your love is wide. Your love is deeper than my view of grace Higher than this worldly place. Longer than this road I travel. Wider than the gap You fill…” “Your Love is Deep” by Jami Smith

“Waymaker, miracle worker Promise keeper, light in the darkness My God, that is who You are” “Waymaker” by Sinach

Thankful for a Faithful God

I am thankful:

~ first and foremost, for a WONDERFUL clinic appointment on Wednesday, and the report that Sawyer REMAINS CANCER FREE! GLORY TO THE LORD!!! HE IS FAITHFUL! The fear never ever goes away, there is always a heaviness that comes with the appointment as we wait for the best or the worst news. This was the second time for Sawyer to be seen by the ACE unit (After Cancer Experience). The new doctor we see, Dr. Cindy, is great. She still getting to know us and has been so wonderful and patient putting up with our, (or shall I say MY) fears and hangups. But best of all is seeing Dr. Winick. Oh how we love that woman! I met her the very first day in the ER the day Sawyer was diagnosed. I will never forget her kind, gravely serious face. When you connect with someone in the midst of the darkest day of your life, it is not a bond that is easily broken. Ever since that first day, she was the one I would look for. She was the one I wanted to get results from. She was the one I trusted the most. And when she says everything is all right with SaSa, I believe her. And I love that she REALLY LOVES Sawyer. He’s not just a patient – she truly delights in him. She loves his huge personality; she marvels at his wit and his intelligence. And that makes me love her all the more…

~ and for Sawyer’s incredible attitude and bravery. When I told him he wasn’t going to school, he jumped up and down and asked, “do I have a CLINIC APPOINTMENT!?!?” Who DOES THAT? And not only did he have to have his blood drawn, he actually had to have it drawn a SECOND TIME. He just hopped right in that chair like it was nothing. If you missed the Caringbridge update I posted Wednesday, you can read it here.

~ AND for the great news that the IGG levels they tested came back NORMAL! Sawyer’s body is making antibodies like God designed it to do, despite all he endured when he was a baby. BUT GOD!

~ thankful for Gina Sue. Gina started as my sister-in-law, and now she’s just plain MY SISTER. She has been my copilot, my “ride-or-die,” for most of the last two years. In the early days of Sawyer’s treatment, I used to do 90% of the clinic trips by myself. I had a routine and we were a well-oiled machine. But when I was about seven months pregnant with Tatum K, experiencing regular contractions while barreling down the interstate, it became pretty clear to me that it was no longer wise for me to do the traveling solo. Various friends made the trip with me, but it was usually Gina. I’ve never known someone more dedicated. Coming from Carthage, she gets up well before 3 AM to be ready to be at my house to leave at 6. And she will tell you herself – she is NOT a morning person! She handles Tatum K’s moods (and MINE) and has a backpack crammed with all the best snacks. And then after long day in Dallas, and doing ALL the driving there and back, she drives another hour back home. I am so grateful for her help and fantastic company. I always come away encouraged.

~I’m also thankful that Carson Grace got a good, fresh dose of that Gina-flavored-encouragement this weekend (with a healthy helping of Justin and Grandmommy thrown in)! She left school for the weekend to spend the night in Carthage, and then went to Potlatch, Carthage’s annual fall city festival where Justin was showing his pristinely restored classic Ford truck. Not only did she enjoy the fellowship, BBQ, and the car show – she was asked to be the Trophy Girl, got to present Uncle Justin with a trophy, AND was awarded a trophy HERSELF at the end! Such a fun day full of great memories!

~ for a fun, easy makeover from my Trash Week treasures. Could my salvaged chairs have turned out any cuter??

~ for a perfect day to have Cousin Emmett! The weather this week has been GLORIOUS, and we had a beautiful fall walk.

~ for a fun Homecoming week. The Littles enjoyed their part of the festivities, Crazy Sock Day.

And Cooper had a great time all week. I was thankful to SURVIVE the making of the Homecoming mum (seriously people. I’m from the North. I had never seen anything like the phenomenon that is Texas football season/Homecoming/mums! It is like another planet! This was SO NOT my thing, but I figured it out, THANKFULLY!). Coop had a great time at the football game, and then on Saturday, he and his date were just the cutest. They are just great friends, and went with a group of friends, so there was absolutely no pressure. Just a fun evening of food, friends, and dancing. How is my Coopy a Freshman going to a DANCE WITH A GIRL!?!?!

~ for a fresh batch of new Giddyup & Whoa sign builds for next week’s Vintage and Co’s Fall Gresham Barn Sale! I was so blessed to be invited back, and I have a ton of ideas for signs! The sale is October 23-26; check them out on Facebook and if you are local, it’s a sale you WON’T WANT TO MISS!!!

~ for a remarkable last-minute surge of donations for the Children’s Hospital Prize Closet. Last week I was so disappointed. We were way WAY behind from last year‘s donations, and even though I knew we had lots of toys that would be a blessing, I just always hope to keep growing, bigger and better. But, I kept begging on social media, and y’all responded in a big way! Another amazing GNET Hero, Aileen, a sophomore in high school, saved money she received at her quinceanera to purchase toys for the closet!! I’m so proud of her!!!

Thanks to your overwhelming generosity, we received more than $700 in donations JUST THIS WEEK, and Paula and I had a blast spending all of it on prizes for the most deserving kids in the world! Every time we got more money donated: another trip to the store! Tomorrow is delivery day, so I will reveal the grand total then. Be watching on Facebook and Instagram! (Blog followers will have to wait until next Sunday!)

Life continues, fast and furious. There’s never time to catch my breath. How can a quarter of the school year already be over!? My babies grow up more every single day, and I see a face I scarcely recognize looking back at my from the mirror. Mercy. But I’m so reminded, GOD IS FAITHFUL. HE WAS. HE IS. AND HE WILL BE. Everything around me seems to change at lightning speed. But my Father is constant and sure. His Word is alive and His promises are true. And no matter what my anxiety tells me, no matter what I FEEL LIKE…no matter my fears or control issues or insecurities… I know that I know that I know that He’s never going to let go of me and that His plan for me is good. And His plan for you is good, too. I hope that encourages someone this week. I need to remind myself every single day. Don’t lose heart. He sees you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”” Genesis 16:13 NIV

“The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The Lord is righteous in all his ways and faithful in all he does. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” Psalms 145:13-18 NIV

Back to School Daze

I am thankful:

~ to be DONE BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING. It only took me 3,647,447,262 trips to 78,226 stores to get what everyone needed.

~ for our wonderful, kind teachers at Grace Community School, and how thrilled each of the children are with the classroom they were placed in. I love the aroma of eagerness and hope at the beginning of the school year. There is just so much promise: new friends, new skills, new adventures. There are few things that thrill my kids more than strapping on a brand spankin’ new pair of tennis shoes and a 86 pound bulging backpack to go see friends they have missed all summer and meet their teachers.

~ for a good first day of school. Everyone popped out of bed with a grin, gobbled up fresh baked banana muffins for breakfast, and doodled up in their favorite outfit to start off their new year. (I may have chosen Sawyer’s shirt…) We read our morning devotional, like always, and prayed over our day and our family and our teachers, like always. Josh headed off to take Cooper to his first day of high school while I walked into the elementary school with 6 of my babies. And walked out with just one. I’m infinitely grateful for a school filled with people who love Jesus and love our family, and who give a whole lot of grace to this mama who has a very hard time letting go. But God.

~ and as if that were not enough, Wednesday was the day to drive Carson Grace back to ETBU, this time for good. Tatum K and I made the drive with her, and when we arrived, the dorm was HOPPING! When we moved her into her dorm before her mini-mester 2 weeks ago, there were just a handful of students on campus. But this week was Tiger Camp, ETBU’s Freshman Welcome Week. All of Carson Grace’s suite-mates were there, and it was great to meet them and their parents. I can already tell they are a really special group. We did the few last updates to her room, went on a quick grocery run, and a hurried Subway lunch, as I had to rush back to Tyler in time to pick up Littles from school. This meant I didn’t get to participate in the parent part of Tiger Camp, attending the first Chapel service of the year with Carson Grace. But I know God’s timing is better than mine, and I trust that it was best for me to get on the road when I did. Oh, it was so hard to drive away. I could tell though, that she was excited and ready. Much more so than the first time we dropped her off, all alone in the dorm. This time her room and the campus were already familiar, and she was surrounded by classmates ready to dive in right beside her. Hard hard for Mama, not so much for my girl. And that’s how it’s supposed to be, praise God.

She has sent lots of pictures since Wednesday: scavenger hunts, team challenges, and community service projects. She’s making lots of friends and looks like she’s loving it. She and her camp group went to a local church this morning together, and classes start bright and early in the morning. Proud of her. But I sure do miss my girl. I’ve spent a lot of time in her room this week, thinking about her, praying for her. (I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying….)

~ for traditions. If you know me, you know I’m big on traditions. Every year on the first day of school, we go to our very favorite snow cone shack in Tyler, Shivers. Tatum K shared her piña colada snow cone with me…she loved her “pink-alada”!

~ for kind friends. Thoughtful friends. For old and new friends. For truth-telling-even-when-it-hurts friends. For tried-and-true, gone-through-the-ringer, here-for-the-mountains-and-the-valleys friends.

~ for steady Giddy up & Whoa work. I truly love to paint, and our little home business is such a blessing to our family. And I needed the diversion. Thursday was even harder than Wednesday with the kids gone. On the first day, taking Carson Grace to Marshall took the whole day. I was too busy to think about anything. (WHICH WAS MERCY). Thursday was a different story. It was a different kind of quiet. Not a TRUE quiet, because Tatum K is a wild little fireball and a constant chatterbox. I know this year will be a sweet time with just my Tater Tot at home. But for now, the empty house is echoey. Too much space. As much as my Tribe drives me crazy and I’m always exhausted with their questions and their squabbles and their needs…they are MY PEOPLE. And I miss them when they’re gone. So anyway, it was a blessing to have 5 sign orders that needed my attention during Tatum’s naptime. And I’m pleased to say I got them all done!

~ for a good evening and meal with Colton. The Littles were thrilled to swim with him and climb all over him. Always good to spend some time with my boy.

~ for a nice start to our Gold Network Toy Drive for the prize closet at Children’s Hospital. A group of sweet ladies all went out and purchased nearly 100 toys and donated them in honor of one of their friend’s birthdays! What a great idea! Last year we donated more than 1400 toys to Children’s. We are collecting toys through the month of September.

~ for excitement brewing over all our upcoming Gold Network events. August 29 is Go Gold Tyler, our annual Childhood Cancer Awareness night on the Tyler Downtown Square. I’ve been reaching out to our cancer families and have been thrilled by the overwhelmingly positive response! It is so special to have all these Hero families together. And then Tyler Gold Run is coming up September 21. For our big 5 year celebration (how can it be 5 years!?) we are thrilled to have added a 10k route and moved to a new, larger park. I am always amazed at how our friends and family and the community rise up in support of all these brave kids and their families. Please consider being a part of these special events, or donating toward the cause.

~and this is just INCREDIBLE! One of our Hero families has a cousin who is an amazing artist. She created an original watercolor painting and has DONATED IT FOR AUCTION TO GOLD NETWORK!!! This priceless painting takes my breath away. Please check out the auction and bid or donate if you feel led. The auction is open until August 29. Click here for details.

~for good baseball memories with my Love. Josh is one of the biggest Texas Rangers fans that has ever lived, and he has passed this passion on to his family. I learned early in our marriage that if I was going to have any quality time with my husband from April until October, I needed to learn to speak baseball. So I asked a few questions, and it was his greatest delight to teach me the ins and the outs of the game. So this week, it was very special to glue ourselves to the TV screen to watch a momentous milestone for our all time favorite player, Josh Hamilton, as he was inducted into the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. Josh is one of the greatest talents to have ever played the game, but we love him because of his story. He has battled drug and alcohol addiction for his entire career, and although he found salvation in Jesus Christ, he has continued to fall back into those self-destructive patterns. But seeing him back on the field, hugging his old teammates, and hearing his bold and honest speech that gave all glory to the God who continued/continues to love him in the midst of his failures….we cried our eyes out. It. Was. Awesome. He closed his 14 minute speech with these words of encouragement for when we get knocked down, “Don’t you dare stay down. The God of the universe sent His Son to die so that we have the right to GET BACK UP IN JESUS!”

Our friend Harold needs your prayers. He was allowed to go home from the hospital Wednesday, only to have hydrocephalus symptoms return Thursday, causing his parents to rush Harold back to Dallas for his FIFTH surgery. Please pray for healing and wisdom for the team of doctors treating him. And for grace and strength for his precious family. Thank you for continuing to lift up the parents and family of sweet Lucas, who went to heaven last week. Someone I love is recovering from a dreadful injury, and 3 family members are battling cancer. So many people hurting. Oh how I hate cancer. Jesus come….

Friends, life is hard. It is hard and good and beautiful and horrible and excruciating and glorious. Live well. Love large. Give freely. Forgive. See people. Pray for one another. Share Jesus.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” John 13:34-35

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV

Sanctification

I am thankful:

~ for creative get-out-of-bed excuses. “Ma-a-a-ma, I need to ask you something? Do chickens fly?”

~for Giddyup & Whoa orders that come right on time. Every single order is a blessing of provision.

~for decadent French toast with orange zest and a crispy crust of cinnamon sugar. I had a new recipe, and it was a resounding hit with the Tribe.

~for the tender hearts of my children. We did not tell them about the senseless tragedies of last weekend. But they are incredibly observant and quickly noticed all the flags lowered to half-staff. When I briefly told them what had happened, they were aghast and IMMEDIATELY asked if we could pray aloud together in the car. First they prayed for the grieving families of the victims, and then began to pray that God would touch the hearts of the shooters, “that they would come to know You Lord, and that they would be sorry for what they have done.”

~for such a special surprise: my sweet friend Meredith blessed Sawyer with one of her impeccably hand-sewn minky puppies! Check out the gold childhood cancer ribbon! If you haven’t checked out My Minky Co, you need to! Thank you Meredith!

~for back-to-school shopping. It’s hard for me to say I’m thankful for this. Not gonna lie. School supplies, shoes, and clothes for six in school is no joke. Just the magnitude this year’s number is intimidating, but sometimes brave is what you are when you don’t have a choice. We tackled the stores as a wild and boisterous unit. My kids opened every shoebox in every store. They showed me every pencil that was ever made. They were pretty good about not “asking” (they had been severely warned) but instead they just exclaimed over and over, “look at this one Mama! Isn’t this one cute? Isn’t this one sweet? This one is awesome! I love this!” I had warned them, don’t ask for everything you see. However, I had forgotten to specify, “don’t show me and describe every detail of everything you see.” School starts Wednesday…I’d estimate that I am 68% done with the supply shopping. And that I am 143% READY to be done. It’s not that I want my kiddos out of the house, it’s just the progression of the season. They are all ready to be done at home and back to their friends. Instinctively they crave the structure and margin of the school setting, even if the appreciation won’t stay with them long.

~for grace for new seasons. I don’t think I can express to you how different my life is going to be with Carson Grace gone to college. She’s my babysitter. My ONLY babysitter. And I have become accustomed to running my errands by myself. I just don’t take my people into stores. I just don’t. A couple of my children have literally been in a store, ANY store, like three times in their lives. It’s just one of those things, that if I didn’t have to go with an entourage, I didn’t. Well now, that luxury is over for the most part. Six little people at the grocery store. Six little people shopping for shoes. Six little people in the return line at Walmart. It’s just a different season. But you know what… WE SURVIVED! I’m not trying to say it was relaxing and poetic and my favorite way to spend my time. But nobody backflipped off the shelves, and I didn’t lose any of them. So I’m going to call it a win. I think I’m going to be getting a lot of use out of my “big girl panties” this year.

~thankful to have my girl back, even if it’s only briefly. Carson Grace finished up her mini-mester class at ETBU, and I drove with the Tribe to pick her up on Friday. Everyone was thrilled to see her, and excited to get to check out her new room at the dorm. She goes back for real on Wednesday. I’m thankful for the Lord’s kindness to allow us to have a more gradual “letting go.”

She even sent me a “First Day of School” picture!

~for a fun night at Meet the Cougars. At this yearly fall school event, each high school athletic team is highlighted to get people hyped for the school year. Very excited to see Cooper’s #19 jersey come out of the football tunnel. He’s so excited about his freshman year. Can’t wait to watch him play!

~for Sawyer’s fun time at his Kindergarten picnic. He got to see old friends and meet some new ones, and went on a scavenger hunt on the school playground. So proud of my brave boy and how excited he is for kindergarten. Here come the tears again. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him every day. He just makes life so bright. I hope I never outgrow the utter awe I feel when I look at him, knowing all he has overcome.

~for God’s Word spoken straight to the heart. Sometimes it just pierces in such a powerful way. The message this morning was on sanctification. Being redeemed, made holy, and set apart. Brother Alvin, our dear friend and visiting missionary from Honduras, referenced offering someone a cup of water in a filthy glass. I long to be set apart for God. Sanctified by His blood so that He can use me for His purposes. But how often I come as a dirty vessel. With unforgiveness. With my own agenda. With short-sighted expectations of my Father’s ability. I long to set an example for my children of being set apart. Called higher. Called to be in the world but not of it. To love with the sacrificial supernatural love of Christ. How much more useful we are when we do it God‘s way. And what a stumbling block we are when we insist on our own way. The message hit me right between the eyes today. Lord, cleanse me and sanctify me as a vessel of honor.

Friends, sweet Lucas went to be with Jesus yesterday. Now he is whole and healed and forever free from cancer. And now his family is broken-hearted to have to live without him. His suffering is over, and theirs has intensified. Please, please pray. Our lives will go on…theirs will never EVER be the same again. And while they do have the blessed assurance that they will see their boy again one day, today…today there is unspeakable pain.

Love one another well. Hold tight to your people and don’t skip the extra story and the 14th snuggle. Forgive when you don’t think you should have to, and give more than you think is necessary. Life is a vapor. You won’t regret it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 20:7

My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.” John 17:15-19

Ready or not…

I should have expected it. Last week I boldly proclaimed to the world how thankful I am. How thankful I am for my lively mess of a family and the perfectly imperfect. Why should it surprise me that Monday morning I’d be hit on all sides with utter chaos: squalling siblings, mouthy teens, and a maniacal 2 year old terrorist. I was attacked full force from every direction. And man, I fell right smack off my thankful mountain. I know that’s real life: highs and lows and not-so-pretty-or-poetic emotions. BUT GOD. Oh how thankful I am that God doesn’t turn His back on me every time I fail. And that His goodness is not contingent on my faithfulness. WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!

But when all is said and done, He gives me the grace to get back up when I fall on my face. I get to tell my kids I’m sorry and we all get a do-over. New mercies every morning. And every week.

I am thankful:

~ for more end of school fun. Our final FINAL day of school was Wednesday! It is surreal to see Sawyer completing his first year of school. I don’t take these “firsts and lasts” for granted. Every time he reaches another milestone, I never fail to see that frail, white little baby. BUT GOD! He knew this day was coming even when all we could see was death in every direction. Thank you Jesus for the last five years! And we will be thankful for all the rest you will give us! I pray Sawyer lives to be a strong, healthy, old old man who never tires of telling the story of how Jesus healed-ed him.

B5E02969-EF35-4783-9EF1-7700227A3614 — “Mama, what are the other ribbon colors? I want to pray for God to heal ALL the people with cancer.”

~ for nail polish remover. I used a whole bottle to clean up Tatum K and the carpet where she painted her “Pretty toes Mama! I MESSY!”

~ for my 2 kiddos recognized for Perfect Attendance! Way to go Kora and Gavin!

~for the remarkable kindness and generosity of friends.

~ for good news. Our friend Mason got his port removed after completing leukemia treatment, Baby Lucas got wonderful news from his oncologist, and sweet Georgia is home from her latest stay in the hospital. God, You are so good. Thank you, faithful prayer warriors, for praying; please keep lifting up all these precious families.

~ for at least a couple lazy days. No alarms to set, no plans on the calendar. We enjoyed our walks, kids swam in the icy pool until their lips turn blue, and we laughed as Bear eagerly dove in after them, showing off his swimming skills.

~for Carson Grace and the Cougars safe trip down to Houston for their next softball playoff game. They battled through and played their best, but this time didn’t come away with the win. But what a great season!

~ for the way all my kids love music. They are always singing along with the radio behind me in the car, making up songs, or singing on their own at home. This week a favorite came on, “I’m a Child of God,” and Sawyer said, “Mama! I just love this song so much! I just HAVE to Praise Him!” I can only imagine how this blesses the Father’s heart.

~ for the eagerly anticipated, fast and furious arrival of my latest BEAUTIFUL NIECE, Josey Dean! What a little sugar!!!

And Saturday was the biggest day; a day of so much joy but also bittersweet tears. My girl, my Carson Grace, my heart. How can my baby be graduating high school? I remember picking out her first day of school clothes from the toddler department. I remember the tiny wooden stool that her teacher had built for her because her little legs dangled from the desk and couldn’t reach the floor. I remember crying as she graduated from Kindergarten, then from 5th grade, then 8th. I blinked. Tiny crocs and Mary Jane’s were replaced by Vans and impossibly high heels. My memory hasn’t faded from her baby days, because all I have to do is look at Tatum K, her carbon copy. Saturday, my beautiful girl put on that cap and gown and proudly received her diploma. She fought for it: high school wasn’t easy for her on any level. But she did it, and we are so proud. We even had the excitement of a tornado warning and mandatory evacuation in the middle of the ceremony, but she made it! We ended the evening with burgers and watermelon and friends crowded in the kitchen, celebrating our girl.

~ and then a wonderful baby shower for my precious friends Chris and Lindsay, as they prepare their hearts and home for their baby boy on the way. They are such treasures, and I am so ready to watch them step into the role they were MADE FOR as Mama and Daddy!

As you may well imagine, it’s slightly terrifying to face being home with all these kiddos for the summer. I’m so ridiculously outnumbered. But thankfully they haven’t figured that out yet. I am trying to find a balance between high hopes and realistic expectations for the upcoming weeks: lots of swimming, walks, trips to the library, and some good healthy brain exercise. We’re gonna eat popsicles and ride bikes and Cooper’s going to teach me how to flip on the trampoline. And I’m gonna love my babies the very best I can. I’m gonna soak up these last precious weeks of having Carson Grace home before she leaves for college. I’m going to press into Jesus. I’m going to pray with my kids and play with my kids. I’M GONNA FINISH SCRAPING THOSE BEAMS. It’s going to be a glorious mess, but we are going to do it together.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” Psalm 90:1-2

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands.” Psalm 90:14-17

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

A Blessed Mess of a Mama

Why do I start every Sunday gratitude with the sentence… “Wow! What a busy week!”???? With a family this size, I think we can rest confidently that it’s usually going to be busy. I just need to accept that fact. But whether you have one kid or 21, the end of school season can get wild. So buckle up, this post is about to make you tired…

I am thankful:

~ for 15 Giddyup & Whoa Mother’s Day orders.

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For “Graces Races,” our GCS end-of-school field day for each grade. Monday 1st grade, Tuesday – 3rd grade, Wednesday – 2nd grade, Thursday – 4th grade. And I made it to each one. Granted, a couple in time for the snowcone finale… But at least my kiddos knew I was there. They all had such a great time with their friends doing balloon and scooter and gunnysack relays. The elementary children will have their last day of school this coming Wednesday. Where did this school year go?

~ for great softball game/senior night for Carson Grace. So proud to take the field with our beautiful girl and celebrate the end of her high school career. Then the Cougar girls played a tremendous game and walked away with their first playoff win!

~for a great birthday dinner celebrating Colton. His schedule last week didn’t permit, but this week we had a tasty meal of his choice: crescent chicken, sweet potato fries, and yellow cake with chocolate icing.

~for another great choir concert, this time for Cooper and the Junior High. Such a talented group of students!

~ Of course the highlight of this week was Wednesday, which was Sawyer‘s quarterly Oncology Clinic visit. Bloodwork confirmed that he is CANCER FREE! Glory to God! This was Sawyer‘s first visit on the ACE unit (After Cancer Experience), otherwise known as the Survivors Unit. This is truly a miraculous milestone we never dared dream we would see. You can read my Caringbridge post with full details from the day here.

~ I’m thankful for God’s protection on the drive, and I’m very thankful I didn’t know how dangerous the storms were until AFTER I was safely home! I know I would have panicked. My back hurt for 2 days from clutching the steering wheel.

~ for Nurse Appreciation Week. Our nurses are our family, and we love them passionately. No amount of words or gifts can measure the impact they make on the lives they touch. We ❤️ Nurses!

~ for Carson Grace’s Senior Awards Assembly. How incredible to see 100% of her class has been accepted into various colleges, from Texas to Alabama to Illinois. The Admissions Counselor from ETBU came from Marshall to present Carson Grace with her Academic and Christian Leadership Scholarships. And that same day, she took her very last final, and is officially DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL! Just unreal. It was a hard fought battle to get her to this point, and she’s wrestled through a lot over the past couple years, but she made it, and we are SO PROUD!

If you’re still with me, are you tired yet? Oh no, we’re not done yet. Not even close!

~ thankful for Cooper’s 8th Grade Year End Assembly. The students heard from each of their amazing teachers (there really is a unique and passionate breed of teacher who chooses to minister to Jr. High students). They reminded the kids how loved they are by the Lord, and that they are so valuable to the Kingdom. The teachers, coaches, and faculty spoke with so much enthusiasm and heart, it was incredibly moving, and I’m freshly reminded how grateful I am that Cooper has been loved so well by this faculty. I pray for him as he steps into High School next fall, that he will walk confidently in who he is, and stay the bright, one-of-a-kind individual he’s always been. Oh, and he is THRILLED to be done with school for the year.

~ for 2 fun end of year parties done. 5 to go. From trampoline parks to the rock gym, they have a blast with their friends.

~ for a whirlwind Saturday: Carson Grace traveled with her team to Rockwall for Softball Playoff game, Cougars DOMINATED for another victory, and then turned around and rushed back to Tyler in the rain so the girls could get ready for PROM! Seriously!!?? What a day! Thankfully there was just enough time, and Carson Grace transformed in her room from a softball champion, emerging as a stunning vision in her ballgown. At the country club where the dance was held, the Senior class and their dates gathered to take a group photo, and the emotions got really real. It seemed like yesterday that all these kids were posing for class pictures on the playground. Or on a fire truck. Gone are the pigtails and missing teeth and skinned up knees with Disney bandaids. Instead they were beautiful grown young men and ladies. They were poised and stunning and were arrayed in their finest. And they took my breath away. Somebody please stop time.

And now that I’ve survived this marathon week of mayhem, it’s Mother’s Day. I’ve earned some stripes this week for sure. Mother’s Day can stir up such varied emotions for different people: longing-to-be mothers, first-time mothers, children who have lost their mothers and mothers who have lost their children, mamas with strained relationships, and those who have chosen not to be mothers. Not everybody gets breakfast in bed and a new candle.

At this moment at my house, there’s marinated fajita steak on the grill, and ALL MY KIDS ARE HOME. There are saturated towels, clothes, and shoes strewn all over the patio and three dripping mermaid tails hanging on the fence. Yelling kids on the trampoline, yelling kids chasing a soggy mess of a dog, kids staring at their phones, kids cracking up over Snapchat filters. My legs need shaving, my grey needs colored, my floor needs mopped, and my bed’s not made. And I will be 100% honest and say I usually don’t fully appreciate my life. I am short-tempered and impatient and overwhelmed. Too many questions, too much laundry, too many squabbles and the sippy cup is always lost. But today. Today I have been so thankful. Yes, my plate is full, but I see my cup that overflows with blessing. My house is a mess, but it’s bursting at the seams with the people I love. I have no idea why God has given me so many hearts to be responsible for, and most days the task completely terrifies me. I am VASTLY UNQUALIFIED. But I know that the confidence in myself that is lacking is ECLIPSED by the confidence I have in Him. He gave me all these babies. I don’t know why I am so blessed, but all I can do is thank Him and do my best every day. And when my best isn’t good enough, His grace will meet me there. I’m pretty much the most blessed mama on the planet.

Oh, and today I got to take a nap in my hammock.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

“All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children.” Isaiah 54:13

Generosity

What. A. Week. I am utterly spent, and my heart is full. Generosity is definitely the word ringing in my heart this week.

I am thankful:

~ for one of the very best GCS elementary Spring Concerts I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen a couple). The 4th and 5th graders (including our Samantha) sang worship songs in several languages, played melodiously on their recorders (insert winky face here), and played instruments as well as used sign language. I was so moved by their clear, young voices lifted in praise, and I was struck by how much I knew they were blessing their Heavenly Father’s heart. I can’t express how grateful I am that our children have had the privilege of growing up in the community of GCS. There’s no such thing as a perfect school: there are highs and lows, strengths and weaknesses. And our kids are far from perfect. But I know that they are getting SOAKED IN JESUS, at home, at school, at church…and I know that I know that I KNOW that the years my babies have spent at GCS, engulfed in the faithful partnership of prayers, instruction, and encouragement, are shaping their tender hearts for their future. And God continues to make a way where there is no way, through His unparalleled and unexplainable generosity. There are no words.

~ for a rip-roaring good time for my little cowgirl! Zoe had a blast at 1st grade Rodeo Day with her classmates: roping steers, scooping cow patties, barrel racing. She chowed down on delicious homemade chili and dirt pudding. Such a fun day.

~ for a special rite of passage this week: Tatum K’s very first Sunday School class. Our beloved Miss Linda has taught every one of our babies at the age of 2, and her gentle hugs and tender instruction have welcomed each of them into her classroom. Absolutely surreal to see little Tatum K with the flag and her stickers and her little crown. My heart.

~ and then for the event we have been eagerly anticipating and planning for for months: the Children’s Cancer Fund Gala and fashion show! It was quite a production to gather all the kiddos from the ends of the earth, and pack the bus with all their gear. (We can’t even make it to CHURCH on time…we had to make it to Dallas by 3 o’clock. The struggle is REAL!) By some miracle, we made it, checked into our complementary room at the palatial Hilton Anatole hotel, and took Sawyer to the check-in area. The cancer kids are the VIPs of the event, and all the real action takes place backstage, where parents are NOT ALLOWED. Instead, they are each assigned to a “buddy,” a staff member from Children’s Hospital. How thrilled was this mama to find out that SaSa was going to be in the capable hands of our beloved Nurse Brittney! It’s always hard for me to let him go, but I trust her COMPLETELY. Sawyer had the time of his life backstage with Brittney: he played games, got new toys, and made crafts. He met some pretty cool celebrities: Chuck E. Cheese, Spider-Man, Batman, and Wonder Woman. Oh, and Troy Aikman, Roger Staubach, and Tony Romo were there too, but they were not nearly as exciting as the superheroes.

Out in the ballroom, Josh and I had the rest of the Tribe, all doodled up in our finest. Incredible silent auction items, including the original paintings created by each fashion show child, filled the lavishly decorated atrium, and beautiful people were everywhere. No detail was left overlooked for this “Evening in the Garden,” from the stunning floral wall backdrop for 3-D pictures; the intricately embossed programs, menus, and auction paddles; to the wisps of smoke hanging on the massive runway, flanked with impressive cascades of flowers suspended from the ceiling overhead. Our children’s eyes could not get any bigger! (Nor could mine!) One of the highlights of the evening for Josh and I was watching our children get their first taste of fine cuisine. The menu was over the top. Our kids are in no way picky eaters, they are very adventurous and great sports. But this was definitely quite a stretch for them… 2 year old Tatum K loves salad, and she dove right into her plate like a big girl with a big fork! She stabbed a juicy red beet and popped it in her mouth. But it immediately came right back out! I think she thought it was a tomato, her favorite. Beets apparently are not as palatable. Zoe wasn’t too sure about the peppery watercress. Tatum DEVOURED the juicy filet mignon once I diced it for her, while the other Littles were very entertaining in their attempts to saw off hunks of steak and then laboriously chew and chew and chew and chew it. Kora’s face wore every variety of disgust as she sampled each course, from the goat cheese in the salad to the roasted brussel sprouts and finally the edible flowers on the panna cotta dessert. Gavin, Big Kids, and Mom and Dad on the other hand, happily chowed down every decadent course with gusto. The Littles managed to get by on dinner rolls and the bits of fruit garnishing the dessert.

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It was awesome to watch each of the models, kids of all ages in various stages on and off treatment, walking with celebrities and superheroes and community helpers down the runway. Some were shy, and some worked the stage with confidence and swag. Sawyer came out with his escorts, members of the Dallas Fire and Rescue team. Click here to check out the video of his runway walk…he owned that stage with long strides and tipped his hat to the crowd like a pro. It was priceless. I hope you can hear the announcer, who quoted Sawyer, “I have no more cancer, because Jesus healed-ed me!” The wonderful folks at CCF even had that phrase embroidered on a blanket for him!

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But no matter the setting, the beauty of the decorations, the grandeur of the hotel surroundings or the prestige of the celebrities in the room…the inescapable fact was that we were here because of childhood cancer. Our family never could have afforded the tickets to attend the event, even just to watch Sawyer. Our attendance was made possible because of the personal kindness of the Executive Director and the generosity of another cancer family who had lost their daughter to cancer several years ago. This night wasn’t just a high society event for entertainment, but Children’s Cancer Fund is committed to the mission of funding cutting-edge childhood cancer research, staffing Dallas Children’s with top notch Child Life Specialists, and they have been supporting families battling childhood cancer for 31 years! Initial reports show that more than $1 million was raised at the Gala! Just astounding. It was a very special, truly unforgettable evening for our family.

~Saturday morning was ANOTHER special event, the 8th Annual Collin Boyd Strikeout 4 Cancer Baseball Tournament. Collin is a 2x childhood cancer survivor here in Tyler, and his dedicated family hosts the tournament every year to raise funds to support other newly diagnosed families in East Texas. Like us, they have become passionate about bringing beauty and outreach out of the ashes of their personal pain, and they work tirelessly to involve the community in this incredible event. This year’s beneficiary was sweet Georgia Crim. In one day, the tournament, home run derby, food sales, and silent auction raised more than $30,000 which is directly gifted to the Crim family! GLORY TO GOD! Please continue to pray for Georgia. She had a successful surgery to implant her port and her first round of chemotherapy this past Tuesday. Miraculously, she was able to attend the tournament on Saturday, and was mostly smiles (she and Sawyer are such sweet buddies). But it’s a long road ahead. And please also be in prayer for Baby Lucas, who goes in for his 4th infusion tomorrow. Jesus, we ask for HEALING for these precious babies!

People hint vaguely sometimes, not necessarily with ill intent, that families with terminally or chronically ill children “sure get to do some amazing things.” And yes, sometimes that’s true. Sawyer has met sports stars, gotten autographs and tremendous gifts, had VIP treatment, and our family was given a free trip to Hawaii. Unbelievable. Ask me if 1% of these “side benefits” are worth holding my son down while a 1 inch needle is pierced in his chest ONCE. Let alone monthly or weekly for 3 years. The countless nights in the hospital, the dreadful drugs and side effects, the PTSD and strain on marriage and family….ask any parent of a medically fragile child if it’s worth a fast pass at Disneyland or a backstage meet-and-greet with Taylor Swift. There are no “perks” that come with a sick child. Don’t get me wrong, we are genuinely grateful for the unique opportunities we have experienced because of the compassion and generosity of others. But it’s not a fair trade for a healthy child. Not by a long shot.

Let’s love one another GENEROUSLY this week. Everyone is walking through something. Everyone can benefit from an extra measure of grace and compassion. Maybe you are the answer to someone’s prayers.

Thank you for giving thanks with me.

““I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”” John 16:33

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21