A Square

Has anyone else felt completely confused and/or defeated this week?

“It’s not ok to say nothing.”

If you DID say (or post) something, somebody might have told you it was the wrong thing.

“You should’ve said….”

“You have to POST this….”

Then, if you did, “WHY did you do THAT? What are you trying to PROVE?”

Posting Scripture was often met with the response that it was a misuse of the context or else it was twisted into something negative.

Social media was a lose/lose this week.

I felt bullied. I felt like every single thing I did/said/posted/didn’t post needed an explanation and/or disclaimer.

Am I defined by a square? By crafting the perfect caption that sums up my beliefs and everything I stand for?

Part of me felt like it was just hopeless. The hate. The hurt. The injustice. The division. The name calling. It’s never gonna end. There is no RIGHT answer.

But there is. The right answer is always Jesus! The right answer is always that I must decrease so that He may increase. The right answer is always to love your neighbor as yourself, whoever that neighbor may be. The right answer is always that Light casts out darkness. And one glorious day it IS going to end.

I think some of the wisest words I’ve heard (outside Scripture) came from Anna on Frozen 2. “Just do the next right thing.”

And I want to try to do more of that. Whether it shows up on social media or not.

I am thankful:

~ for the Lord’s protection. Gavin and Sawyer were playing outside, and Sawyer was about to go potty “country boy style” outside when Gavin noticed something at his feet. At first, Sawyer didn’t believe it was real, but Gavin convinced him and the two boys ran screaming inside. “Snake!” Mama had to get brave with my rubber boots and long shovel, and put an end to the snake, which turned out to be a 2 foot long copperhead! I’ve never killed a snake before. I felt a little bit like She-Ra Warrior Princess and a little bit like passing out. When I think about what could have happened if Gavin hadn’t noticed it, or if Sawyer had reached down to grab it… BUT GOD.

~ for Dairy Queen chocolate dipped cones. Isn’t that just the flavor of summer?

~ for a great, HOT week at the Barn Sale. Wednesday was Early Bird Day, and the admission fees were donated to Gold Network of East TX, so I worked at the table selling admission tickets and sharing about our programs. I met some fabulous people, and so many were kind and super generous. The sale went on through Saturday, and I was thrilled to sell more than half the Giddyup & Whoa signs I had painted! Double blessing!

~ for Carson Grace turning 19. How? How can my Princess Peanut be 19 years old??? She had a great time being celebrated by her friends, and she squeezed in a window for us to have her birthday dinner. We all love her birthday, because she has such great taste: BBQ chicken legs, pickled cucumber and tomato salad, sweet potato fries with homemade ranch, and ice cream cake. Her meal was a celebration in itself! But in all seriousness, I am excited to see what the Lord opens up for and in her this year. She is such a bright light, I know she has so much shining to do for Him!

~ for cool, refreshingly sweet and tart lemon icebox pie. It didn’t last long.

~ for a few more treats from our garden, including a teensy bitsy carrot.

~ for successful completion of the next, highly stressful stage of our gradual kitchen reno. We busted up and ripped out the final slab of dark granite from our island. The next day, a freighter dropped off its replacement: a 500 pound 8 foot long maple butcher block. The driver asked how long it would take for us to get it inside and installed. Josh confidently assured him it would be in place that night. We enlisted the help of a neighbor, and josh and I and Cooper CAREFULLY slid the massive slab onto a flat dolly, wheeled it into the house, and hoisted all 500 pounds of it onto the island. That process went much more smoothly than I had envisioned in my mind. But then came the real challenge. To measure, re-measure, and measure AGAIN to confirm the opening Josh would have to CUT out of that beautiful butcher block for our range. No do-overs. No margin for error. Man, we were calling out to Jesus for sure! But as always, Josh was meticulous and BOLD, and he cut the hole perfectly in one shot. So happy with how it turned out.

Let’s love one another well this week. Less time staring at screens and more time looking into the actual eyes of actual people. Let’s not throw darts or dodgeballs, but engage in active listening and compassion. Let’s admit when we’re wrong and forgive when we’re wronged. And pray for the healing that our nation so desperately needs to start in our own homes and in our hearts.

Thanks for giving thanks with me. Y’all are truly such a blessing.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30)

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-7)

“Just do the next right thing

Take a step, step again

It is all that I can to do

The next right thing

I won’t look too far ahead

It’s too much for me to take

But break it down to this next breath, this next step

This next choice is one that I can make

So I’ll walk through this night

Stumbling blindly toward the light

And do the next right thing

And, with it done, what comes then?

When it’s clear that everything will never be the same again

Then I’ll make the choice to hear that voice

And do the next right thing”

(“The Next Right Thing” Kristen Bell)

Because He First Loved Us

I’m just so sad.

I’m overwhelmed with sadness.

I’m sad to hear story after story of hatred and brutality and discord, and watch angry lines be drawn and sides taken.

I’m sad to hear of abuses of power and people who are either too afraid or too numbed to stand up for what is right.

I’m sad to hear people make broad critical judgments about “ALL” of any group of people.

I’m sad thinking about what the future will be like for my children. And for children everywhere.

I’m sad to read more stories of more and more people turning away from their faith, because they don’t understand how a loving God “lets this stuff happen over and over again.”

I am a white, middle aged, middle class Christian female. I am a stay at home mom. I am a mother of nine. I am an adoptive parent. I am a cancer mom. Just because we don’t have any or all of those things in common, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be able to relate to one another. We are humans. We have hopes and dreams and fears for ourselves and our children.

I don’t think any of us are called to be “color blind.” We SHOULD see our world in color. We just need to see all color as beautiful and valuable. I am a Christian. I love Jesus with all my heart, and I believe in the Bible and everything it says. And there are people who disagree with me. And I think we can still be friends. We may not worship together, but we can walk side-by-side. And if you are thirsty, I will share my water with you. And it’s my responsibility to live and act in such a way that you would feel safe to share yours with me.

Love is a verb. Love is a choice. If we are called to love our neighbor as ourselves (which we are), then what hurts my neighbor hurts me. Whether that hurt comes from a cancer diagnosis, the loss of a child, the loss of a job because of Covid 19, or racial inequality.

Thursday morning I sat down with my Littles, and talked to them about the value and beauty of people of every color. About the value of being kind to people we don’t agree with. And about the importance of standing up for what is right, whether or not anyone else will stand up.

I was so blessed when I asked them what they would do if they saw someone was getting picked on or bullied or hurt. They all replied immediately in unison, “PRAY!”

I will try to do everything I can to raise kind humans who will love others with the love of Christ, who will be friends to the lonely, and who will reach out to the kid who is alone at a lunch table or gets picked last on the kickball team. I pray that they will grow up to be peacemakers and bridge builders looking for the common ground instead of picking at differences.

I am sad. But I have hope. BUT GOD.

And because God is worthy of praise regardless of circumstances, I will give thanks.

I am thankful:

~ for perfectly sweet, drip-down-your-chin fresh peaches.

~ for progress in the kitchen. I was super bummed that new countertops will not work with the backsplash I lovingly and painstakingly handpainted 2 years ago. But it’s fine. So thankful for my husband’s remodeling skills.

~ for the sound of my children’s voices worshipping.

~ for my belated-because-of-shipping Mother’s Day gift from Colton.

~ for ice cream.

~ for wonderful neighbors.

~ for tiny but tasty nibbles from our garden to add into our salads.

~ for my sweet kids who rub my hair when I have a headache.

~ for the Vintage & Company Gresham Barn Sale coming up Wednesday through Saturday. Excited to have several Giddyup & Whoa pieces for sale tucked in among the unique and charming vintage finds at the barn. And honored that the Early Bird entrance fees on Wednesday will benefit Gold Network of East Texas. Come check it out if you are local, you’ll be glad you did!

Let’s love one another well this week. Let’s love our neighbors. Let’s not hide behind social media and throw darts that we wouldn’t say face to face. Let’s look for the good and let’s BE THE GOOD. Let’s treat others BETTER THAN WE THINK THEY DESERVE. Let’s love like Jesus. Because if He can love ME, He really MUST love everybody.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.” (1 John 4:19-21)

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:9-18)

Be Still

I am thankful:

~ for Sawyer’s thrill of chatting with one of his real life heroes. We live very close to a police station, so we regularly have patrol cars on our street. This week, Officer Long stopped to chat, and Sawyer proudly informed her that he was going to be a police officer when he grows up, then excitedly dashed back to the house and drove out of the garage in his little motorized police car. Later it was neat to see his picture shared on the KLTV Instagram page !

~ for Kora’s first job (at 11 years old). After seeing her creative chalk art doodles on our driveway, a neighbor hired Kora to chalk a giant Happy Birthday card for a grandson down our street. What a fun “job!” And my sweet girl used her hard-earned wages to treat us all to Shivers snocones!

~ for hot, delicious elotés, roasted corn ears seasoned with mayonnaise, spices, and cotija cheese. I had never had it before, and I am now a FAN!

~ for our next DIY home project underway. Josh and I love tackling remodeling projects together, and have gradually transformed our kitchen into the kitchen of our dreams over the last 2 1/2 years. The next step is updating the dingy countertops, stained sink, and leaky faucet. Demo has begun! So thankful for such great helpers!

~ for an excellent BIG BOX, and the endless possibilities it contains.

~ for fresh homemade salsa. Just wish we didn’t devour it in 2 hours every time I make it.

~ for a really special NEW PUZZLE! After each puzzle we have completed, the kids have asked if we could frame it. But none of them have been anything we would particularly care to frame. So this time Josh and I put a lot of thought into our next puzzle, and came up with the perfect, meaningful scene. The Texas Rangers stadium, Globe Life Park. Our family loves baseball and love love LOVE the Texas Rangers. We have been to numerous ball games over the last 20 years, and Josh and I experienced our first Rangers game together on one of our first dates. For those of you who are not Texans, a new baseball stadium has recently been built for the Rangers, and while we are thankful that Globe Life Park was not demolished, we will never see another ball game played there. We are so thankful that we were able to take in one last game before the end of the season last year. All that to say, we are excited to have successfully completed this latest puzzle (zero missing pieces!), and look forward to framing and displaying it. (And Mama is DEFINITELY a puzzle ~~hog~~ master.)

~ for a perfect quiet afternoon of yardwork and snow cones & sign builds and puddle jumping.

It’s been a challenging week of parenting. Instead of the jubilant end of school crescendo followed by the thrill of a new blissfully open schedule of free time, there was a strangely anticlimactic transition from “SCHOOLING at home” to “just STAYING home” with more of the same 4 walls and the same 10 faces. Finally after 2 months of wrestling, we had found a schedule that was manageable, and now it too was gone. This has led to “the grumpies” for all of us. During our virtual learning season, I definitely felt much less equipped as a teacher than a mom. And this week I have seriously questioned my capabilities on the mom side as well. How am I supposed to be a loving, godly example to my kids when I am constantly exhausted and pulling my hair out???

BUT GOD.

As He is so faithful to do, Jesus came to my rescue. He spoke to me in His Word, confirmed it in my prayer time, and then reaffirmed His lovingkindness through the encouragement of others.

I am His child. My kids are His children. He loves me like crazy and He loves them like crazy. He’s got a plan for each one of us collectively and individually. And I don’t get to know the plan, and I just have to make peace with that and trust Him with it all.

I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE PERFECT MOTHER. (Insert: WIFE / PERSON / CHRISTIAN / ANYTHING).

I read this reference this week and it has reverberated in my head and my heart. We all know Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” But in the NASB, “Be still” is translated as “Cease striving.” That is SO my natural response to stress and conflict – Striving. Struggling. Fighting. Exerting all my energy to get to a resolution. Doing whatever it takes to get it all done and get to the bottom of every issue.

“Cease striving and know that I am God.”

This stuff is hard. I always say “Capital ‘H’ Hard.” But He designed it that way, or we wouldn’t need Him. If it was even CLOSE to doable, we would just get it done BY STRIVING, and then walk away knowing we were capable in our our strength. Satisfied with being a great parent. Confident in being the perfect spouse. Great teacher. Full of faith.

This pressure is on purpose. It changes us on the inside and the outside. And it brings us to the excruciating and beautiful place of surrendering our own strength and relying on Jesus.

I don’t have to be enough. Because He is enough. I can cease striving and know that He is God.

And He is good at being God.

I thought just maybe somebody besides me needed that reminder this week.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalms 46:10 NASB)

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,” (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Blessed Mama

Made it through another week. Another week of virtual school. Another week of quarantine. Another week that looked a whole lot like the weeks before it.

But just like all the weeks before it, God has been faithful.

I am thankful:

~ for the coffee that greets me every morning.

~ for morning Bible time to start each day. No matter what comes, at least I know we started with the first thing first.

~ for all my Indians.

~ for the faithful dedication of all our teachers and the school to provide our curriculum. I can’t even imagine how much extra work and out of their comfort zone it has been for them to create all this material and videos and links for their classes. What a strange and memorable year. I will be forever grateful for the way they have loved on my children.

~ for a kind friend who delivered farm fresh eggs right to my front door. And how nice to see a sweet smile that I have missed so much. Thank you Miss Debbie! And for tasty avocado egg toast!

~ for the pool. Absolutely NOT a need. I know we are abundantly blessed above and beyond to have this luxury right in our backyard. What an incomparable blessing for the kids to be able to just run out there and burn off steam. They can get their energy out and get plenty of vitamin D after their schoolwork is done. It’s also a powerful bargaining tool for mom. Not done with your work? Then you ain’t swimmin. Grateful for gorgeous sunny afternoons.

~ for Mexican toilet paper. (We seriously can’t find any normal toilet paper anywhere!)

~ for kind people during this strange season. How surreal it is to drive around and see people everywhere with masks and gloves. You can’t gauge much about the countenance of a person with half their face covered. But I’ve seen so many kind eyes. I’m so thankful for people who are going above and beyond to keep others safe while doing their jobs.

~ for our neighbor’s sunflower and how happy it makes my little sunshine girl.

~ for a fun afternoon of Minute to Win It Challenges with the kids. Daily challenges had been provided by our school, but I saved them up for one big Rucker Tribe Challenge. We all had a ball. You can watch the full video here.

~ for perfectly chilled coconut cream pie made with LOVE.

~ for photos to forever commemorate Tatum K’s first time through the car wash. Sheer terror followed by complete joy when it was over. Shame on us for laughing at that poor baby.

It’s been a good Mother’s Day. Home church, fresh bagels, and sunshine set the tone. We ended the day with all 9 kids home for a meal of colorful grilled kabobs and wild rice, and will finish with me eating ANOTHER perfect piece of coconut pie in my bed.

I looked back at what I wrote on the blog last Mother’s Day, and it makes me laugh how true it rings again this year (and last year there was NO PANDEMIC going on!)

“My legs need shaving, my grey needs colored, my floor needs mopped, and my bed’s not made. And I will be 100% honest and say I usually don’t fully appreciate my life. I am short-tempered and impatient and overwhelmed. Too many questions, too much laundry, too many squabbles and the sippy cup is always lost. But today. Today I have been so thankful. Yes, my plate is full, but I see my cup that overflows with blessing. My house is a mess, but it’s bursting at the seams with the people I love. I have no idea why God has given me so many hearts to be responsible for, and most days the task completely terrifies me. I am VASTLY UNQUALIFIED. But I know that the confidence in myself that is lacking is ECLIPSED by the confidence I have in Him. He gave me all these babies. I don’t know why I am so blessed, but all I can do is thank Him and do my best every day. And when my best isn’t good enough, His grace will meet me there. I’m pretty much the most blessed mama on the planet.”

Thinking of all the different kinds of moms today. Most moms don’t have the picture perfect day and the picture perfect family. Every mama I know is broken in some way. Longing for a child. Lost a child. Lost their mother. Strained relationships. Complicated emotions that are hard to talk about. Things just not going how they imagined, or just so much harder than they expected. It’s ok if you don’t feel like a great mom. Most moms don’t. But whatever season we are in, we need to stop measuring ourselves against one another, or against some externally constructed idol of how our lives should be. And none of us are alone – someone else out there is struggling too.

Be where you are. And be there as well as you can. Trust that God knows what He’s doing. And be kind to one another and to yourself.

And this morning, on Mother’s Day of all days, one of our beautiful little Gold Network Heroes, after a long and hard-fought battle, went home to be with Jesus. PLEASE PRAY for his mama and family, today and every day. I hate cancer.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“But certainly God has heard; He has given heed to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer Nor His lovingkindness from me.” (Psalms 66:19-20)

“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” (Psalms 61:1-2)

Tipping Point

I am thankful:

~ For class zoom meetings. The kids love getting to see their teachers and their classmates. This week Kora enjoyed dressing up for an early celebration of Cinco de Mayo with her Spanish teacher (and feast on delicious leftover tacos from Colton), and Sawyer got to share his pets with his friends. Zoe proudly demonstrated her science experiment about surface tension.

~ for peace that passes understanding, especially when delivered as a profound lesson taught by my child. This week one of the school chapel songs was a favorite of the kids. As it began to play, Sawyer said excitedly, “I love this song! We’re gonna sing it at my graduation!” Then the realization hit (which I wasn’t sure if he actually knew or not) and he said quietly, “Oh…but I’m not even gonna have my graduation.” I instantly felt hot tears welling in my eyes. Oh, how it hurts this Mama’s heart that he should miss out on this milestone that we never dared to dream he should reach. But almost in the same breath, I heard Sawyer (and all his brothers and sisters) boldly belting out the opening lyrics of the song, “This is the day, that You have made. Whatever comes, I won’t complain. For all my hope is in Your Name, and now Your joy awaits my praise. I give thanks for all You have done. And I will sing of Your mercy and Your love. Your love is unfailing, Lord I am grateful!” His attitude is so much better than mine! He too, is experiencing disappointment, but it is not crippling his JOY! He has proudly memorized Psalm 23 and his little speaking part for a video the school is putting together. When he got all doodled up for the video for his teacher, he was so excited, he never wanted to change out of his “fancy” clothes. How cute was my little pupil working in his bow tie!? He also had the MOST THRILLING visit this week, from his BELOVED teacher, Mrs. Key! She brought him Starbust for being a “STAR” student, and a yard sign that we have proudly displayed in our front yard. Thank You Father for your unspeakable grace.

~ for the gift of music. Kora has been memorizing a passage from 1 Thessalonians, and the words brought to mind a song written by a dear friend. I was able to play it for her, and her eyes just sparkled when she heard God’s Word brought to life in such a fresh new way that she understood so much better. The song is a jubilant anthem looking toward the day when we Believers will all join together with Jesus in the sky. It has been playing in my heart all week.

~ for the sweetest and most thoughtful “teacher appreciation” care package I received in the mail. Thank you to all who have prayed over our story problems. They are still a problem, but I think we will all live to tell the story.

~ for the most unique spring concert experience for Samantha and Kora. Obviously, quarantine and social distancing has made many spring traditions difficult or impossible. But our school creatively found a way for fourth and fifth graders to gather in the parking lot at a safe distance and lift their voices and recorders to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Memorable to be sure. ~ for gorgeous weather. Friday we worked hard to get all schoolwork done before lunch, and we headed to the park around the corner from our house. It is a tucked away spot, and rarely have we run into anyone else there. We spread out our blanket in the shade, and I read to the kids while they ate their picnic. Then it was playground time, and picking wildflowers, and climbing trees. It was a lovely afternoon.

~ for a very special birthday. Colton, our firstborn, the one who made me a Mama, turned 21. When I had Colton, I was so young and naive. He was literally the first baby I ever held, and I was absolutely terrified. I never thought I’d be a mom, but now that I was, I wanted so badly to do it well. I loved him fiercely. Being a mom was the first thing I absolutely knew I could not do on my own, and that brokenness and desperation was what ultimately led me to recognize my need for a Savior. Josh and I have always said that Colton led 2 people to the Lord as a baby, so we have always known God had a special plan for this beautiful boy. He was always a challenging child: strong-willed, always with 2 toes over the boundary lines. We weren’t sure if we (or he) would survive his teen years. We went through some pretty ugly seasons, and more sleepless nights than I can even count. BUT GOD. My boy is growing into a man, and he is finding his way as a respectful, compassionate individual who actually CHOOSES to spend time with him mom and dad. I honestly wasn’t sure we’d ever get there. Now I am freshly convinced that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…” God is always wooing and drawing and working through and behind what we see in front of our eyes. I am so grateful. He came over to hang out and have dinner 4 nights this week, played wiffleball and swam, and watch a movie. We celebrated on his birthday with crescent chicken, sweet potato fries with homemade ranch, and his oh-so-sophisticated dessert choice: confetti cake. Loved celebrating him, celebrating all that God has done, and all that God has in store.

~ for Facebook live concert from Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood. And for dancing to “To Make You Feel My Love” with my husband in the kitchen. We never do that. But in that moment, it was perfect.

~ for gorgeous weather for wiffleball, snake-free walks, and swimming.

~ for a refreshing change of pace. Josh brought home a new puzzle, just 199 pieces. At first I was disappointed, knowing it was way too easy. But the fact that it was a Frozen 2 puzzle meant it would be an instant hit with the Little People, and it was probably time for some quick satisfaction. During nap time I decided to challenge myself, and set a timer. 50 minutes and 38 seconds. Not bad. I think I find puzzles so satisfying in this season because they are a manageable challenge with a clear beginning and end. It is a task that can be concretely completed. The feeling of success. The kids were as thrilled as expected, and finished it almost as quickly as I did. They were sweet and took out the last 3 pieces after they were done, and left them for baby sister. She was so tickled.

Mental health is not a joke. I’ve never hopped on the “self-care“ bandwagon… It usually seems like a license to grossly self indulge, overspend, and let “me time” push to top priority at the expense of others. This is not Jesus’ way, and it shouldn’t be ours. I don’t “need” time with my girlfriends, or to shop, or pamper myself. Any of those things are enjoyable, a great treat, and something to look forward to. But I’ve never seen them as a “need.”

But I got to a tipping point this week. It might sound funny, likely sounds relatable, but it’s just unfiltered truth. I couldn’t remember when I had last showered. I was wearing the same clothes for daytime, to bed, and again the next day, (because WHY NOT?) I glimpsed myself in the mirror (quite by accident, because WHY?) and I hardly recognized myself. I hadn’t bothered to style my hair in days (because WHY?) so my natural not-exactly-straight-not-exactly-wavy-frizzy-and-stylistically-confused hair with it’s unintentional hombre of blonde/brown/silver was taking on a somewhat Einstein-esque quality. I didn’t look like someone who should be caring for children. Let alone someone who should be responsible for anyone’s education.

I am not and was not depressed. But I also realized: I was not ok. I was sleepwalking through my unrecognizable life, even though I was still (mostly) successfully checking all the boxes: morning Bible study✔️ frequent private and shared prayer throughout the day✔️reading aloud to the kids every morning✔️ faithfully keeping kids on the task of completing their daily schoolwork ✔️keeping my house reasonably clean✔️maintaining the illusion to the “outside” that I “had it all together” and that the Ruckers were “ROCKING THE QUARANTINE.”✔️ Another parent said something similar, “We’ve been doing pretty well. But this week, WE HIT A WALL.”

That night after the kids were in bed, I took a bath. I turned on my favorite soft worship playlist and soaked the day off in the hot water and the music. The next day I did my hair and put on a little makeup and changed out of pajamas and put on clothes. (OK so it was actually just changing from one set of loungewear to a nearly identical set of loungewear. A purely lateral move, but at least it was the physical act of changing clothes.) Just putting in the minimal effort to feel like a human. Even something so small and seemingly trivial, I realized how much I had missed the daily reminder of putting on my beautiful handmade gold bracelet inscribed with “it is well.” That afternoon, I took my paints out to a semi-shaded spot in the driveway and worked on a sign while listening to the birds with a gentle breeze on my face.

It wasn’t magic. I still stink at math. In fact, one of my ANONYMOUS “students” shouted disdainfully at me this week after checking a problem, “HA! You were WRONG!” And other told me, “You’re not THAT bad, you just need a little help from a REAL teacher.” BUT…the slight shift of my focus to putting a little effort into myself was a mood lifter. It also made my husband smile. And maybe if I wasn’t a BETTER teacher, at least I didn’t look like such a scary one.

Wherever you are, however you are handling your situation and your trials, God sees you. He has promised not to leave you or forsake you. You are not alone. He may not take the fire away, but He will stand in it with you. It’s ok to take care of yourself, and give yourself grace. If you are slipping, call out to Jesus. Call out to a friend. And it’s ok to admit that you’re not ok. If your faith is in yourself, it was in the wrong place anyway. Remember who you are and more importantly, WHOSE you are. We are all in this together. And then look for the blessings around you. They are there.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:3-6)

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protection of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise among the festive throng. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalms 42:1-5)

“For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a shout, and the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will be the first ones to rise to meet the Lord. Then we who are alive will be looking to the skies. And we’ll be caught up there with our brothers in the clouds. I just wish it were now.” (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18, paraphrased by Randy Skiles)

Pearls

I am thankful:

~ for a fun surprises. Our Children’s pastor popped by to say hello and drop off bubbles for all the kids. Then another friend dropped off a box of hand-me-downs for Tatum K. And we had another porch drop-off, a handmade large scale Yatzee game (“Yard-zee”) with the sweetest note! I am so blessed by how thoughtful and kind people have been to come up with ways to be an encouragement during this season.~ for the Lord’s protection. The kids and I had our daily walk, down to the end of our road and back. On our way back, the kids rode on ahead of me, and I thought I saw something on the road. As I got closer, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing was real: a MASSIVE snake, no less than 6 feet long, stretched out right where we had walked minutes before. My knees immediately started shaking, but I quickly passed it with Tatum K in her stroller (not before snapping a quick picture of it first of course!)

~ for sweet moments in the midst of school.

~ for the leading of the Holy Spirit. Wednesday, Tatum K suddenly came down with a fever, and said “her feelings hurted.” My mind didn’t go anywhere completely crazy. We’ve been quarantined faithfully, I actually wasn’t worried about “IT.” But I did not relish the thought of a house full of sick kids on lockdown. We established a quarantine within our quarantine in our bedroom for her, and kept her away from all the other children. Changed my clothes EVERY time I held her, and re-washed ALL the bed linens every day. On day three, as I was getting her ready for bed, I noticed a faint rash across her back and groin area, and my stomach dropped. I immediately made arrangements to take her in to Dr. Everett the next day. We had our first experience with an outdoor pediatrician appointment. And sure enough: strep throat + scarlet fever, just like Sawyer had almost 2 months ago. We can’t imagine how she got it. I can’t believe it could still be living on a surface from that long ago, especially with how much sanitizing I’ve been doing. It’s baffling. But so thankful that we caught it quickly. Already after just a couple doses of antibiotics, she is fully recovered. Her “feelings are betta now” and she is back to her spunky, sassy self.~for our very first FULLY INTACT, completed 1000 piece puzzle! It was glorious! Now, there was some mischievous tomfoolery surrounding the last couple days of completion… a couple of my smarty-pants kids thought it would be funny to steal a piece or two. But eventually they were all recovered. It was a thrilling victory.

~ for our pups. Whether they are at my side when I paint, crowding their way on the hammock when I am trying to have a quiet moment, or chasing each other around and over the furniture, they keep us smiling.

~ for the deep sigh of relief after I make it through another of the kids’ math problems. Seriously though. Who invented story problems? I don’t think he was a very nice guy. The best part of every day is the moment when I no longer have to be a math teacher.

~for three kids who were able to receive their Superior Cougar Fitness awards via an online meeting with their teacher and receive a printable copy of their certificates. I’m so grateful that the school is doing everything they can to accommodate for special memories for the students during this strange time of separation.

~ again for wonderful and good-natured neighbors. One morning the kids came in from outside shrieking, “We found a turtle!“ They were thrilled and instantly began creating a turtle habitat. The next day, they were eager to show it off to our neighbors, who promptly exclaimed, “That’s OUR turtle! We found it yesterday!” And so, the turtle was returned to his rightful “finder keepers.“ But after some chatting back-and-forth, it seems that they have all agreed to shared custody. Poor little fella. He sure wandered into the wrong yard! TWICE!

~ for the most gorgeous weather! The kids have swam a couple of times – it’s really NOT warm enough for swimming, but they don’t really care. It’s been perfect weather for our walks, wiffle ball tournaments, for washing the car, and daily picnics.

~ for a wonderful day of celebration. One of our Gold Network of East Texas heroes celebrated her last chemotherapy this week after two years of treatment for leukemia. To celebrate, her family arranged for a drive-through celebration. What a joyful day! GLORY TO THE LORD!

~ for 90% completion of the DIY project from last week. We had painted the mudroom not long ago with a homemade mix of some leftover paint we had on hand, and we never loved it. And the paint we had used on the mudroom door had never cured. So we gave the room a fresh coat of soft gray paint (replacing the wanna-be-grey-but-actually-more-like-baby-blue color) and the door was first peeled, then primed, then painted navy, then white (in 18 hours) before we finally landed on the right shade of medium warm gray. Josh ripped out some non-functional builtins from our mudroom and replaced them with new lockers that I then antiqued to look like a vintage find!

It was a fun, lightning-fast project, and we love the way it turned out! We still have a bit of touch up to do, and I have a new idea I want to try out, but it’s almost done. I have loved transforming this space into one of the most practical and hard-working rooms in our home.

~ for an ABSOLUTE FEAST! Colton came over and cooked for us! He has learned how to cook his favorite authentic Mexican tacos, and gave his ole’ Mom a cooking lesson! They were without a doubt, the MOST DELICIOUS tacos I have ever eaten! I could not have been more impressed. Both by the tasty meal my son prepared and the joy on his face as we cooked in the kitchen side by side. Love him so much and so thankful for the growth and healing in our relationship.

Anyone else exhausted? Just raw? Like a blister that rubs and rubs and rubs and never gets a chance to heal. It’s exhausting being brave all the time. Exhausting walking the same path in the same walls with the same people every single day. This morning I was rubbed raw. Everything was frustrating. We overslept. We had technical difficulties with online church, like we have EVERY WEEK. For some reason, even after six weeks, we just never can quite get it figured out. So I sat on the couch, wrestling with myself, feeling how none of this is how it’s supposed to be. But once worship started, I saw our sweet worship pastor on the screen with his guitar, flanked by his kids on the keyboard and the cajon. What a blessing to see faces of people that I love and miss so much. And I purposed in my heart as they begin to play, that my flesh would not hinder me from worshiping my Creator. He is WORTHY. My circumstances will not dictate my ability and MY RESPONSIBILITY to worship Him as He is due. So we stood together as a family and begin to sing. And as is so often the case, the song prepared in advance and pre-recorded by the worship pastor was the song that God knew would meet me in that moment. “Lord I run into Your arms unashamed because of mercy. I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You.” And there in my living room, in my robe and slippers, with tears streaming down my face, I stood in the presence of the Lord, experiencing some of the purest moments of fellowship with my Heavenly Father that I have ever had in my life. As the next song began, the room was filled with the voices of my children, “Waymaker, Miracle Worker, Promise Keeper, Light in the darkness. My God, that is who You are.“

He is good. All the time. “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working.” There is purpose in this season. Part of that purpose is for us to look for AND TESTIFY OF the blessings that we find. In a time when we are forced to be apart, we need each other more than ever! We must encourage each other, spur each other on, take turns lifting one another and then being carried. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A MATH TEACHER! But I DO want to be a Mama that can patiently sit by my child while they work through a concept, for as long as it takes, and then can celebrate their accomplishment when they finally master it. I never would have tried had it not been for this season. My kids have seen me cry more in the last 6 weeks of quarantine than they did during 3 years of cancer. But that’s because I am with them EVERY MOMENT, and there is so much good in that. And after they’ve seen me cry, they’ve heard me reassure them that I’m ok, and we’ve had some great conversations and some of the very best hugs. I have great hope for lasting fruit to come from these trying days. Pearls are formed from painful, sandy discomfort that we can’t get rid of, no matter how hard we try. Lord, make pearls in us. Out of us. And when we look upon the unique beauty of a pearl, let us give thanks for the irritation that caused it to be born. I look forward to draping myself in garlands of story-problem-shaped pearls one day.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” (Psalms 51:10-12)

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.” (Matthew 13:45-46)

Yes I Will

Some weeks we have to dig a little deeper to find the blessings.

But they are ALWAYS there.

Last week, we had an ambiguous “extra week” of Spring Break, we “played” school to stay busy, and learned new words like “pandemic” and “social distancing.”

This week, Virtual Learning was officially launched by our school. Effective immediately. Duration, indefinitely. At my house, that means I now teach Kindergarten, 2nd grade, 3rd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade, and 9th grade, ALL subjects ranging from phonics to Algebra, Spanish, Latin, world geography, literature, Bible, and history. By the end of the week, the mayor issued the “Shelter in Place” order, and we are now pretty much on lockdown. Carson Grace received word from ETBU that on campus classes will not reconvene this school year.

Life feels like it is on perpetual pause. Groundhog Day over and over again. What day is it? Who knows? Does it even matter?

People have asked how I am managing with 8 kids, homeschooling, not leaving the house, and my anxiety. The most honest response I can give is, I’m glad there are no witnesses. It’s been ok. We’ve had rough moments. And sweet ones. I’ve had kids snuggled in my lap while I read to them, we have played together, we have danced together, and we have worshipped. On the other hand, I have lost my cool. I’ve yelled. I’ve cried. I’ve laid awake for hours at night. I’ve eaten more sweets than I will ever admit to.

But more than ever, I GENUINELY BELIEVE this season is about putting our faith into practice. Of course it SHOULD always be that way. But let’s get real. We are finding out if we really believe the things we used to say so casually…. “God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!”

We have a choice.

I am thankful:

~ for new mercies every morning. I need to go back over my Sunday Gratitudes (how can it be that I have been writing every Sunday for almost 6 years now???) and see how many times I have been thankful for new morning mercies. That is nothing new. But boy, I am so grateful as I collapse into bed every night that the day is OVER and I get to start fresh the next day. Every day is a do-over.

~ for the hard work our teachers and administration has done to transfer all of their curriculum into an online format for us. I HAVE NEVER APPRECIATED OUR WONDERFUL TEACHERS SO MUCH! Wow! The things we realize we have under-appreciated or taken for granted! They have done a TREMENDOUS JOB of making this switch happen basically overnight. I am completely in awe of their giftings: their knowledge, their patience, and their love for all our kids that kept them coming back to their jobs day after day. Oh how I miss my kids’ teachers! (I bet not HALF as much as my KIDS miss their teachers! Their new teacher is SO MEAN! And never goes away!)

~ for generous help from loved ones to supplement the groceries we can’t stock up on for our jumbo-sized clan.

~ for my kids OUTSTANDING attitudes. They’ve had a few bumps (mostly in response to my own volatile moods), but so far they are still eager to get to their school work, and enjoying the material, and very forgiving of their grumpy teacher. I’m truly the most blessed mama in all the world.

~ for another successful out-of-my-comfort-zone first. The physical Laurel & Cotton Spring Sale was obviously cancelled, but the feisty shop owner, Melissa, undeterred, launched a virtual sale via Facebook LIVE. That meant a crash course in camera-work and social media for each vendor. It was nerve-wracking and felt completely awkward to talk to my phone (check out my CLASSY, PRO-FESSIONAL tripod!) and imagine an invisible audience in my living room (while my Littles were banished into hiding upstairs). Amazingly enough, it went well, I had several kind viewers and comments, and I actually sold a bunch of Giddyup & Whoa signs, including more after the LIVE sale ended! I was thrilled! Not only that, but Melissa sold raffle tickets and designed an exclusive Go GOLD t-shirt, and raised $665 for Gold Network of East Texas! What an awesome blessing!

~ for Josh’s job. There seem to be new developments every day, and we know we cannot take anything for granted anymore. The actual store is closed, so his interaction with the public is pretty minimal. He had to lay off some employees this week, which was really hard on him. He never EVER complains, although I know the gravity of the times and all that he is responsible for weighs heavily on his heart. And he never fails to check on how I am doing, and to encourage me. I’m grateful we can be raw and real and honest with one another. No filter.

~ for technology. To accomplish virtual learning, we use a desktop computer, wireless printer, 2 laptops, 2 iPads, and a phone. Thus far our router has held up to the massive usage, and I’ve been shocked and thoroughly impressed at how minimal the technical issues have been. And we also had the opportunity to FaceTime with friends we hardly ever get to see. This forced slower pace and social distancing is causing us to be more intentional.

~ for coffee. 3 to 4 pots a day.

~ for our safe and comfortable home, and having everything we need. We have kind, loving neighbors, a beautiful, quiet street. Cooper has been organizing baseball tournaments and lizard hunts with the Littles. We are not suffering in our quarantine.

~ for laughs. We’ve had some good late nights with our bigger kids, watching tv and funny videos together. Carson Grace even badgered mom and dad and the whole Tribe into filming a TikTok video with her for a contest for school. She choreographed a routine with us, and we provided live entertainment for our neighborhood from our front yard. It was pretty hysterical how we all got into it.

~ for virtual church service from our living room. It brought such comfort to see our pastors’ faces and to worship together with THE CHURCH. We all even put on REAL CLOTHES for the occasion, and took the Lord’s Supper together. It was simple, intimate, and very special. I love that my kids are learning firsthand that the CHURCH has nothing to do with a building.

Hamburger bun and solo cups have never been so sanctified

~ for thoughtful care packages filled with love.

~ for glorious sunshine. Perfect for walks, PE, picnic lunches, and art class.

~ for “Live Meets” for each kiddo with their teacher and classmates. It was so good for their hearts to get to see and hear from their friends. And we got calls from several of our teachers, just checking in on us. I’m so blessed and thankful for our GCS community.

~ for the people “out in the world” that continue to go to work to keep the world running. First responders, healthcare workers, supermarket personnel, banks, truck drivers, sanitation workers…we will be grateful forever.

One of the things I’m going to treasure the most from this season is my time with the kids right after breakfast each morning before we start school. We snuggle up on the couch and each read verse by verse the Psalm and Proverb of the day, and then I’m reading to them from Hind’s Feet on High Places. What a perfect book for the season. The conversations with the children have been priceless. We have walked with Much Afraid as she faced Pride, Resentment, and Self-Pity, along the Sea of Loneliness and now into the Forests of Danger and Tribulation. How I want to respond as Acceptance With Joy, “He (the Shepherd) has brought me here when I did not want to come, for His own purpose. I, too, will look up into His face and say, ‘Behold me! I am your little handmaiden, Acceptance-with-Joy.’”

I’m not going to lie and say that’s where I’m at. But it is my prayer. I know that this is an opportunity for us to be refined and sifted by our LOVING FATHER. I know that my hope is IN HIM, and that this world is not my home. And I don’t want to miss the hidden blessings. God WILL REDEEM FOR GOOD what the enemy intends for evil. The immediate blessing of having extra quality time with my kids is just the beginning. I pray for a deep and lasting heart change and genuine appreciation to be birthed around the world.

So friends, let’s love one another well this week. We may not be able to gather together physically, but we can call and check in one one another. Write a letter. Send a text. Film a video. Get creative. I’m not sure how much energy I’ll have left to be creative after my packed days of homeschooling, but I’m going to do my best. It’s ok to be honest about how we feel. Everything is different, and oftentimes “different” = hard and scary. But we can’t be RULED by how we FEEL. Let’s give each other lots of grace and remember that kindness is contagious. It’s also ok to stay in stretchy pants. (But I personally AM making a commitment to shower more regularly this week.)

This song has really ministered to me this week, and the lyrics are especially appropriate for the season we are in. I hope it encourages you.

https://youtu.be/NrTv39-lG4M

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)

“And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.” (Galatians 6:9-10)

“God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.” (Psalms 46:1-7)

But God

I am thankful:

~for cute/sweet conversations overheard….

Sawyer, “Mama! Tatum is jumping on me and squashing me and I can’t breathe!”

Tatum K “I sowwy Sasa.”

Sawyer, “It’s ok Tatum. I’ll always love you.”

~ for a couple beautiful days of sunshine! It was so refreshing to get outside and breathe deep in the crisp air and take a walk again!

~ for a great excuse for a sweet treat. February 18 is International Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, a day set aside to raise awareness for childhood cancer. Often during cancer treatment, kids lose their appetite. The chemo makes food taste terrible and kids day nauseated day in and day out. Sometimes the only thing that sounds good or might bring a smile is some ice cream. So why not ice cream for breakfast? We join in to encourage kids who are fighting cancer, to celebrate with kids who have completed their treatment, and to remember the friends who were taken from us too soon. What a blessing to have friends from all over who joined in and shared their pictures with us. Thank you all so much.

~ for yet another birthday at our house – mine! I had a great day, lots of sweet messages from friends and family, homemade cards from the sweetest kids on the planet, a heavenly breakfast date with my sweetheart (and Tatum K of course), and a surprise coffee date with Colton! I was blessed beyond measure. Oh, and one of my highlights was getting the GOLD sneakers I’ve been dreaming of for a LONG TIME!!! And a new gold coffee cup! (Is there a theme here?)

~ for the kindness of Grace Community School. The GCS HOSA Club (Health Occupations Students of America, or Future Health Professionals) recently held a drive at the high school to collect the items we give in our New Diagnosis Survival Kits. We are so thankful for the HOSA students for organizing and the students for donating!

~ for amazing progress on Carson Grace’s room/my studio. The Murphy bed turned out great, and we (after 79,358 problems and equipment malfunctions) got the whole room sprayed a fresh, bright Alabaster white. I got inspired and started playing around with some stain colors and ended up loving the way the headboard turned out; and Josh did an amazing job on the reclaimed wood countertop. It’s so fun working on a new project together, and we are reminded of how much we enjoy the process of dreaming up a design and then knocking it out.

~for a beautiful opportunity for our girls to give a praise offering to the Lord. Samantha and Kora are a part of the Psalm 149 Dance Team at church, preteen girls learning the art of worship dance. The team is even taught by a young teenager who once danced in this group when she was younger. It was an honest and sweet outpouring of love for the Lord, and their performance at church this morning was so beautiful.

~ for 15 years of memories. We sorrowfully said goodbye to a precious member of our family this week, our 15-year-old pug, Cricket. He’s been the best dog and has been through it all with us. He was our first family dog when we just had three kids. He survived the great Rucker Population Explosion of 2013, and was a bright source of joy for us throughout the journey of cancer. He has rapidly deteriorated over the past few months, and I began to think the only thing keeping him alive was his sheer hatred of our new-er dog, Bear. We are thankful that he is no longer suffering, and we will lovingly remember him always, but there is a stinky, snuffy-nosed, Cricket-shaped place that hurts in all our hearts right now.

The words from the song I shared last week still resonate in my head… “Even when I don’t see it, You’re working. Even when I don’t feel it, You’re working. You never stop, You never stop working. You never stop, You never stop working.” No matter what’s going on, there are ALWAYS blessings to count. That’s what Sunday Gratitude is about.

But this week has been one blow after another.

A dear friend got a devastating health news.

Another friend had troubling findings on her sonogram.

A suffering mother anxiously longs for her healing by graduation to heaven.

Not one, but TWO new children were diagnosed with cancer here in Tyler.

And another family got the only news worse than “your child has cancer.” The words, “There’s nothing more we can do.”

BUT GOD.I say that a lot, both here on the blog and in real life.What does that even mean anyway? BUT GOD. It means He really IS the answer to every question.

Father God, I am out of pretty words. My heart is broken and bleeding and sad. I am hurting for my friends. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why babies have to get sick and suffer. I hate cancer. Oh, how I hate cancer. I don’t understand why some people get healed on this earth and some people don’t. But I do know with everything inside me that You are FULLY GOOD. I believe that You have a good plan that is better than mine. And I believe that You hold me when I’m sad and mad and confused and anxious and furious and falling apart. AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS WORLD IS PASSING AWAY AND WE WILL ONE DAY LIVE A GLORIOUS LIFE WITH YOU IN HEAVEN! And there will be NO MORE SORROW AND NO MORE PAIN! How I long for that day! Until then, Father God, please hold my friends close. Give them Your supernatural peace that defies all logic. Give them grace breath by breath to walk through their circumstances. Surround them with friends who bring Your comfort. Show us how to help them in real life, practical ways. If it’s Your will to heal on this earth – HEAL!!!! To You be all the glory!!!! And if it’s Your will to heal them in heaven, let it be bathed in Your infinite mercy, and help us to trust in Your timing. Jesus COME!

Please pray for the hurting people all around you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

““For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8-9)

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39)

We hope

I am thankful:

~ for momentum! One more beam down! It’s tiring, backbreaking work, and such a mess, but I’m (thankfully) still in love with the results, and the end is in sight… (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about it here).

~ for the deep, heart to heart conversations with my 2 year old. Tatum, “ mama can I have a snack?”

Me “ do you want an orange?”

“No! I want a snack!”

“Ok, then what DO you want?”

“An ORANGE!”

~ for cheerful fresh tulips brightening my table.

~ for healing! We have all been taking our turns with THE CRUD over the last couple of weeks…intermittent fevers, coughs, runny noses. Last weekend, Sawyer’s cough intensified, and he woke up Monday with a fever. We don’t mess around with anything when it comes to him, and fevers set this mama on high alert, so we were at the pediatrician’s office at 8:30am.

Dr. Everett definitely suspected that he could be in the early stages of developing pneumonia, but we agreed to just watch him closely before jumping forward to any meds. So he missed 2 days of school, and we had a couple pretty rough nights, but Jesus protected Sawyer, and he got better instead of worse! Glory to the Lord! He’s still a little weak, and tires easily, but I told him if he rests well tonight, he’ll finally be allowed to run at recess again. He is SO READY. He told me he’s been being the soccer goalie at recess, and “I’m so terrible at it Mama.” And I think the rest of us are ALMOST well also.

~ for the opportunity to participate in another Vintage & Co. Jodi does the most amazing job of curating her collections of beautiful and unique vintage finds. It’s always an honor to be able to add a few Giddyup & Whoa pieces to her sales.

~ for the simple little things that bring such joy to my kids. Like pancakes for dinner. You would have thought it was the finest gourmet cuisine ever cooked. I bet they each thanked me 6 times.

~for my kiddos’ sweet and innocent prayers at midweek service. They prayed for healing for everyone who was sick, prayed for their older siblings to make good choices and to “stay on God’s path,” and one of them prayed simply, ”Dear God, help me to obey and have self control.” How it blesses me to hear them learning to talk to their Heavenly Father, and believe that He hears them.

~ for another fun and simple DIY Goodwill makeover. Love those 99¢ finds!

~ for a great time celebrating a dear friend’s birthday. He was turning 50, so the theme of the party was “OLD.” I love Sawyer’s interpretation…

~ for Carson Grace having the opportunity to sing Beethoven’s 9th with her ETBU Concert Choir this weekend. It was a huge concert, and we weren’t able to be there; but so grateful that Grandmommy, Uncle Justin, and Aunt Gina were able to go support her (and fill her up with some much needed Whataburger.)

~ for the sound of the rain against my window, especially when I’m snug in my bed.

~ for my cuties that just happened to end up looking like little Valentines for church. How are they growing up so fast?

~ for an AWESOME evening at our quarterly Gold Network CONNECT group. The concept was conceived from our trips to Lighthouse Family Retreat, when all the kids would go play and swim, and the parents would gather for a small group time called Common Ground. All these moms and dads from various walks of life, different faith backgrounds, a variety of diagnoses… but all of us had the worst thing in common. We all had a child with cancer. And we pretty much instantly became family. We listened to each other’s stories and we cried and we prayed for one another. And we encouraged one another. And we laughed. The connections were real and deep and unexpected and life-changing. It gave us so much hope. Josh and I had no idea how much we were thirsting for relationships with this specific community of people. And we just knew we had to try to bring something like it in Tyler. Last night we had seven pediatric cancer families around our table. We feasted on food from Oliveto and laughed and talked and ate and cried. And it was pure gold.

Our work with Gold Network of East Texas keeps us pretty entrenched in the childhood cancer world, even though Sawyer is now 3 years off treatment. (That fact is staggering to me). We celebrate all that God has done, and yet we are still continually learning what life-after-cancer means for us. And every day, I am still talking about cancer, and still thinking about cancer. We haven’t left cancer behind. Representing GNET, I am speaking with cancer families daily. I follow their updates and pray for them. I work on Gold Network event planning, manage the website, and almost daily update social media with announcements or post about childhood cancer awareness. It’s always at the forefront of my thoughts and day to day activities. But in such a different context from 3 or 4 or 5 years ago. But all it takes is to listen to one of our GNET parents begin to talk about that terrible, earthshaking moment when everything changed in their life… and I’m right there again. Sitting in a pediatric exam room on a red vinyl cough with a greenish-white baby in my arms, seeing Dr. Everett come in and close the door behind him with a look on his face like someone had kicked him in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. It never goes away. I see all these families and the pained seared in their eyes. Forever changed. Some of them are giving their brave kids toxic meds every day and praying for the cancer to go away. Some of them, like us, have graduated from the treatment routine, and pray against long term side effects and for the cancer to stay away forever. And some of them have said goodbye to their child, and now they wait, and now the hope they pray for is for the day they will be reunited with their child. It never goes away.

EVERYONE is walking through something. The loss of a child. Caring for an aging parent. A strained marriage. A prodigal child. Struggles at work. Chronic pain. Addiction. Loneliness. Anxiety. PTSD. And the world screams at us from 2 camps: either DO MORE! GET YOURS! CRUSH THE COMPETITION! YOU DESERVE TO RISE! Or on the other extreme: SLOW DOWN! TAKE CARE OF YOU! SELF CARE! YOU DESERVE A BREAK!

We all just need Jesus. Because none of us want what we REALLY deserve. We know the mess we truly are inside: the brokenness, the selfishness, the depravity. But He loves us anyway, right where we are. But even though the gift of salvation is FREE, it does have a cost. We have to say “no” to something to say “yes” to Him.

Saying “yes” to Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean our circumstances will change. Sometimes they do. Often they do not. But our PERSPECTIVE changes. And we don’t have to walk alone ever again. Because of Jesus, we are promised that the end of the story is good.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thanks for reading the thoughts I’m musing tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind, and there’s heaviness weighing on my heart. BUT GOD. Because of Him, I pray with so much hope. Unspeakable joy is COMING.

Have a good week friends. Reach out to somebody who could use a little hope.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.” (1 Peter 1:8-9)

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Momentum

I am thankful:

~ for MOMENTUM. Josh got started on all those projects last week (Click here if you missed them), and just kept right on going. The laundry room refresh was so great…but he still wasn’t satisfied. Monday he came home from work and started putting up a white subway tile backsplash! It turned out SO BEAUTIFUL! I genuinely LOVE going in there to do my laundry now!

~ Josh’s momentum inspired me to get back on scraping my beams! That daunting project has been on the back burner for MONTHS, but I got back at it this week. It’s going a lot slower because I am doing all the scraping by hand instead of using the planer (planer is just TOO LOUD for Tatum K and Bear ). But I am going to PRESS ON!

~ for a nice emerging tradition: Colton joining us for dinner on Monday nights. It’s typically his day off so it has been working well with his schedule, and we all just love having him with us. He enjoys having a mom-cooked meal and it does my heart good to have him home just for a minute.

~ for Tatum K’s bright and unpredictable personality. That spicy girl keeps me on my toes, and keeps me laughing every day.

~ for Gavin’s amazingly bright mind and creativity. He is gobbling up the WWII for Kids book he got for Christmas, and is always sharing what he is reading in it. He spent one afternoon creating his own “military code” inspired by something he read in the book, and got totally into writing coded messages. Can’t wait to see what God does with that brilliant mind of his.

~ for one of the most joyful and long-awaited days I can even imagine. Our beloved friends Chris and Lindsay finalized the adoption of their beautiful SON, Coby Tate. They have prayed to be parents for years, waited patiently and impatiently on the Lord, walked through agonizing heartbreak, and finally…FINALLY, the cries of their heart were answered BEYOND MEASURE! This is the absolutely most blessed and fortunate little boy. He hit the jackpot with the most loving parents on the planet. Thank You God, for Your faithfulness that is always right on time!

~ for the delicious decadence of a juicy C Rojo’s Wayagu burger and indulgent sweet potato truffle fries. I have been craving this burger for over a week, but we couldn’t ever catch the truck before they ran out of food! It was WORTH THE WAIT! SO GOOD!!!!

~ for the opportunity to see Kora give her speech to her class during their Toastmasters presentation. Her eyes just sparkle when she sees that I am there in the audience.

~ for lots of special Giddyup & Whoa pieces in the works. We have a few items going to the Vintage & Co Valentine’s Pop Up Shop coming up this week, February 6-9. If you are local, be sure to stop by. Jodi and her team have impeccable taste, and they always put together the best collections of unique vintage finds.

~ for the best Goodwill find in a long time: an awesome, unique coffee table! It was in bad shape: a blotchy, marred finish and layers of spilled glitter all over it, but it was crying out to be revamped. We gave it a good sanding and a bleach bath, and then I tried my hand at homemade liming wax for the first time. I am completely in love with the end result! I actually “rescued” a little desk out of a dumpster this morning (still in my bathrobe, no less) and I can’t wait to give it a makeover!

~ for another weekend of having Carson Grace and her roommate here. I miss her so much when she’s gone, and it just fills my heart to have her here even for a couple of days. And it’s my prayer that she gets her “tank” full when she comes home.

~ I’m thankful that when I backed out of my garage, not realizing that the garage door was partially down, I banged into it JUST A LITTLE, and barely dented the door instead of tearing it down completely.

~ for a fun night of food, fellowship, and football. East Texas has had SuperBowl fever with local hometown hero Pat Mahomes, Jr. being the talk of the press across the nation. So it was more fun than ever to have a house full of friends and “FRAMILY” to watch the game and cheer the Chiefs to victory. I can’t remember the last time I saw (and ate) so much good food, from spicy wings to juicy pulled pork; hot, cheesy cheese dip and rich, creamy banana pudding! I think the food was the star and the football was the bonus!

So many blessings, so much to give thanks for…but in all honesty, this has been a TOUGH WEEK personally. Parenting is NO JOKE. This stuff is Capital “H” Hard. And I know most of you are nodding your heads right now. Because life is full of lots of good if you choose to look for it, but positive outlook or not, life is also just plain HARD. Often I feel like I get going in a good rhythm, get through to one of the kids, get the house organized…and then, “whack-a-mole!” Everything falls apart. Back to square 1, or even worse. It’s just always something. Parenting was hard this week: we had to work through some not-very-fun stuff and say some difficult “no”s. But the Lord keeps pressing the word “momentum” on my heart. The simple definition of momentum is “mass in motion.” And the larger the mass and the faster the motion, the more momentum is created. Josh’s large vision and fast progression created MOMENTUM…it inspired us to GET moving and KEEP moving. But most of the time, it’s so easy to just waffle, or drift. Why is is SO HARD to gain and maintain POSITIVE MOMENTUM? And so easy to lose it…or even worse, pick up negative momentum? I know it’s partially because of our sinful, selfish, lazy nature…it’s just in there, whether we admit it or not. Most of the time we’d rather sidestep the hard work it takes to get moving and keep moving. But we also are subject to the negative impact of the world around us, and the enemy of Light that actively seeks to stumble us. WE CANNOT BE PASSIVE because negativity will pull us down. When things are hard at home. Or work. Or with the kids. If we passively have a “good day” and it’s followed by a “rough day,” we don’t ever get anywhere. But instead, we have to fight to press forward: through the hard AND through the “blah.” I just feel burning in my heart the challenge to PRESS IN AND PRESS ON. UNDETERRED. I am not by any means talking about muscling through in my own strength. I just mean pressing in to God in trust and in prayer when things get hard instead of slinking away and throwing my hands up. I’m not giving up! My “mass” of faith and hope is going to keep growing and gaining speed and creating positive MOMENTUM. When we have a rough day, I’m going to look to Jesus and believe that He is good, and He is working, and He is with me in the trial. And together we will press on. I’m going to scrape these beams. I’m going to raise all these kids. I’m going to serve my husband. And I’m going to fall on my face and make a zillion mistakes along the way. BUT GOD! Because I’m going to keep getting back up and keep not quitting. And by the grace of God, one day I will look back and thank Him for the perfect purposes He had for every piece. (I’m absolutely preaching to myself here, but I hope it encourages someone else out there…)

Let’s build up some positive, Jesus-inspired MOMENTUM this week, and love others well.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

(Philippians 3:13-14)

“For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” (Galatians 6:8-9)