I Thank God

I am thankful:

~ for a beautiful fall. Texas isn’t known for colorful autumn foliage, but I think it’s splendid around here myself! These views just don’t get old.

~ for rain. I really love the rain, especially listening to it on the metal casita roof.

~ for a fun night for the girls at their first Homecoming Barn Dance. Aren’t they lovely?

~ for a productive Gold Network ETX Board meeting. The men and women on our Board are truly a gift to me, each one bringing unique perspective and talent to the table. So thankful for friends who share the vision!

~ for my hardworking kids. I’m so proud of how much they have learned since we’ve bought the farm. They have learned to use most tools, many of them completely independently. This week they helped Dad replace a pump on the pond fountain, build a cover for the pump, and hang more finish trim on the barn. They never cease to amaze me.

~ for days when homework looks like this.

~ for sweet Birdie recovering from her spay surgery. No more puppies for this mama. Also, sometimes my kids are strange.

~ for a tasty steak dinner and a date with my sweetheart. Love that we are still dating after 25 years.

My pastor said something in his sermon this morning that I immediately wrote down. I’m sure I’ve heard it before, but today it just really resonated in my heart.

“That’s how He found me, but that’s not how He left me.”

I think of the condition I was in when I found the Lord. WHAT A MESS! Lost, lonely, disillusioned, aimless. Equal parts ashamed and afraid. I was no good to nobody.

But God.

My girls have a favorite song that they learned at Pine Cove camp over the summer. It’s one of those songs that has a pounding beat that gets right into your pulse, and the lyrics make you want to SHOUT.

“He picked me up, He turned me around
He placed my feet on solid ground
I thank the Master, I thank the Savior
Because He healed my heart
He changed my name
Forever free, I’m not the same
I Thank the Master, I Thank the Savior
I thank God”

(Check out the full song here.)

Tonight I’m just filled with gratitude to my loving, redemptive Father who met me in my mess.

“That’s how He found me, but that’s not how He left me.“

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.” (Psalms 40:1-3)

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 11:19)

It All Matters

I am thankful.

For a beautifully exhausting week.

There’s nothing like Gold Run week. It’s emails and errands, yard signs and donation pickups, tv interviews and newspaper interviews and over-the-phone interviews. It’s checklists and double-checking lists and oh-my-goodness-I-nearly-forgot.

And life is also relentlessly happening. School and cross country and football, goats and chickens and too many puppies, laundry and dishes and lots of cereal and frozen pizzas for dinner.

And then it’s here.

Gold Run day was glorious. The weather was perfection. We had a bounty of volunteers. The park filled with HEROES and their Tribes of supporters, runners and walkers and watchers.

It means the world to these families (myself included) to experience the love and encouragement of people who show up to stand beside them and publicly support. One HERO mama said it best, “It was fun and I was so proud of my bunch. A 5K seems like such a small thing but it was a ‘suck it, cancer!’ event for us.”

Watching HEROES cross the finish line. Watching triumphant families celebrating the lives of their child. Watching weary, battle-scarred moms and dads and grandparents push through the fog to prove that their child’s battle means something. Watching tearful parents walking to honor the memory of the child whose only physical presence there was on our Wall and in their hearts. ETX Gold Run is so special. My heart is full.

And just like that, it’s done.

September is almost over. Pumpkin Spice is back, temps are dropping (outside of Texas anyway), and everyone is ready for fall.

Please don’t let all the GOLD fade away for a whole year. Keep having conversations. Donate. Reach out to a family. Volunteer. These kids deserve a voice and a chance at a normal life. It really does matter.

BUT IT ALL MATTERS.

Whatever is your personal passion. Or the real life, everyday work/school/kids/dishes/carpool that doesn’t feel like passion at all.

Run your race.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.” (Colossians 3:23-24)

The Lord gently (sometimes abruptly) reminds me that I must both give thanks for and always be in prayer over all of it. ALL of it. My marriage, my kids, my responsibilities, and all that Gold Network is.

It’s all His.

Lord, it’s all Yours. Your ministry. Let me seek You everywhere and find You there. Let me honor You and reflect You in whatever it is I’m doing.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind. Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.” (Psalms 107:21-22)

Ready…Set…GOLD

I am thankful:

~ for more and more gold! Individuals, local businesses, schools, and across the nation, CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS IS SPREADING! This truly means the world to kids and their families, to see that their fight MATTERS.

~ for several sweet pups finding their families. Even though it’s always bittersweet to say goodbye, we are so excited to see the joy these babies bring to their new owners. And this time, a puppy went home to one of our own! So I will get to see my GrandPuppy! Pups still available – please share!

This sweet couple loved the first puppy they got from us so much, they got ANOTHER ONE!!!

~ for another great week of football and cross country for Gavin and Kora.

~ for a priceless new #gogold bracelet, a gift from a HERO friend.

~ for the quiet moments I steal in the garden each morning, before all my people wake up for the day. The dew is heavy on the grass, and the air is crisp and still. It’s just me and my coffee with the pumpkins and hummingbirds and goats.

It’s Gold Run week, and that means CRUNCH TIME. This week will be checklists and news interviews, speaking engagements and walkthroughs. We hit a major milestone for FULL TIME CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS: a full wrap on the family van! The “bus” (as we lovingly call her) has always gotten a lot of attention because of her size, so I figured it just made sense to capitalize on that attention for a purpose! I am THRILLED with the final product, and can’t wait to drive her around!

Every day I find myself freshly amazed at all that God has done, and give Him ALL THE GLORY for the ministry of Gold Network of East Texas.

Not too late to register for East Texas Gold Run! Join us Saturday for free family fun on the beautiful brick streets of Tyler, ice cold lemonade, and a front row seat to see some amazing HERO kids and their families.

Whether you run, walk, stroll, or crawl; or whether you just show up and GIVE, you truly make a difference.

Grateful for your prayers this week! For me personally, and for all our Gold Network HERO families. There will be many of their happy faces enjoying the festivities on Saturday. But we also have several grieving families who are desperately hurting, and a number of kids who are in the hospital right now. It’s not all gold beads and ribbons. There’s a very real battle going on.

But God.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

“Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.” (Isaiah 58:9a)

Right on Time

I am thankful.

All I can say is that God showed up.

He always does, but like I talked about last week, sometimes we forget. But God.

He is always right on time.

It’s been weeks and weeks and weeks of drought and oppressive, blistering temperatures across Texas. The ground is cracked, aching for moisture. Once green grass is now crispy, scorched.

Isn’t it interesting how we sometimes begin to look like our environment.

I have felt lost, dry, thirsty.

Searching for answers, searching for peace. Desperately searching.

I only need to be desperate for HIM.

In Him are all the answers. In Him is my rest. In Him is the peace I thirst for.

He is always right on time.

This afternoon the sky began to darken. A while later, a low murmur of thunder echoed from afar. I was working in the barn, kids playing in the background. We all began to pray and ask Jesus to bring the rain. I began to sing and a couple of them chimed in, “Let it rain, let it pour from heaven. Let it rain, to revive my soul…”

Nothing.

The temperature dropped slightly a couple hours later, and the wind began to pick up.

Finally…I could hear drops, one at a time, begin to scatter loudly on the metal barn roof. One ran out from the casita screaming, “IT’S RAINING!!!!!” In an instant, it was a full on rainstorm, pouring, thundering, becoming deafening on our metal roof. Soon we were all outside. We, like undoubtably countless others across East Texas, couldn’t stop ourselves from getting IN IT. Soaking up the goodness of God and praising Him.

He’s always right on time.

Josh had chores to do, animals to put up for the night. “Let me find you an umbrella,” I called out. “I don’t need one,” he said with a smile in his eyes, “I want to enjoy it.”

Once chores were done, kids dried off and settled, he and I stepped outside to literally soak up the last moments of the waning shower. It was glorious. The air smelled clean, the rain was cold. We stood there, letting ourselves be washed. Thankful.

We both knew it was more than the weather we were experiencing.

He is always right on time.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

“Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms. He gives showers of rain to all people, and plants off the field to everyone.” (Zechariah 10:1)

“Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.”” (Hosea 6:3)

I Didn’t Want to go to Church Today.

I didn’t want to go to church today.

Just being honest. And I bet you’ve all been there.

This week has been hard. We are going through a hard season. Not “my-baby-has-cancer” hard, but still hard. And sometimes when you’ve been through an unfathomably hard season like that, you struggle with guilt in the “regular-sized” hard seasons. Like somehow surviving a truly devastating trial should have made you immune to struggle for the rest of your life.

I should have rock solid faith.

I should be unshakeable.

I write about gratitude every single week. It should come naturally.

All those things may well be true. But life happens. Strength wanes. Perspective skews. Like the constant pounding of waves against a shoreline, bravery gets eroded little by little by the relentless pounding of the daily grind.

The Texas heat this summer is oppressive. The earth is scorched and panting for rain. Doesn’t it feel like it will be like this forever? Don’t you sometimes wonder if it will ever rain again? Sometimes our hearts can feel like that dry, parched desert. It’s so easy to forget the well-watered seasons of plenty. And you best believe the day will come when we will once again find ourselves complaining of the cold, or how inconvenient the rain can be.

So anyway, recent circumstances left me feeling dried up, weary, and defeated. And this morning, staying in bed with the covers over my head sounded a lot more appealing than pulling myself together and putting on a forced brave face at church.

But God.

My perfect Father, as any good dad would, reminded me that hiding was not the answer, that fellowship in His House with His people was exactly what I needed.

And wouldn’t you know it? Why was I surprised that the sermon met me right where I was? The story of Peter, who had walked in person side by side with Jesus. Who had heard the Words of Life spoken directly from the lips of the Savior, and who experienced miracle after miracle from the One he called Friend. This man had every reason to ALWAYS be FULL OF FAITH. He KNEW Jesus.

He’d fed the 5000 with Jesus. He’d seen the dead raised and the sea stilled. And now he was walking upon the water, toward Jesus, looking straight into His eyes!

Yet he doubted.

He got scared.

For a moment, he forgot all he had seen, all he had learned. He started focusing on what he (Peter) could do instead of what Jesus could do.

Isn’t that where we go wrong?

He is able. He is faithful. He is good. He is WORKING. He is reaching for you.

Wherever you find yourself today, in a season of rest, of joy, of peace, or one of deep darkness, grief, and loneliness. A season of frustration with minor inconveniences or one of truly life altering catastrophe. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to not be brave sometimes.

Just don’t quit.

God often does His best work in the dark. He is drawing something out of you, building something into you, something for your good and for His glory. Refreshing is coming.

My circumstances haven’t changed. But at least my eyes are back where they’re supposed to be.

On Him.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” (Psalms 94:18-19)

““Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”” (Matthew 14:29-31)

“O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.” (Psalms 63:1)

9 Years of Gratitude

(**Full disclosure, the whole time I was writing this, I was thinking it had been 10 years. Which obviously feels like a big milestone. Bigger than 9. But this is how I was feeling, so here goes…probably just recycle this post next year when it’s actually been 10.)

9 years.

August 10, 2014 was the day I heard the Lord tell me I needed to start thanking Him.

In the midst of the darkest season of our lives, just weeks into our 8 month old baby’s cancer treatment, He told me to thank Him. I was living in the hospital 2 hours away from my husband and my family. Sawyer was receiving round the clock chemotherapy treatment for a cancer he had a slim chance of surviving. Our comfortable, predictable life as we knew it was over, replaced with a life of hospitals, doctors, nurses, and scary words like spinal tap, bone marrow, and blood transfusion.

I could feel myself sinking.

Sinking into despair.

Sinking into self pity.

Sinking into a dark hole of fear and loneliness.

But my loving Father loved me too much to let me slip away.

As I lay on the clammy blue vinyl cot beside Sawyer’s hospital crib, in the middle of another sleepless night spent watching the clock and the IV pump managing the toxic drugs that were simultaneously saving and attacking my baby’s frail body, I heard God tell me to thank Him for this trial.

Pictures from home hung on Sawyer’s hospital wall

And that’s how Sunday Gratitude was born.

Some weeks giving thanks is as easy as breathing. The colors of the sunset were vibrantly on fire. The most delicious meal looked just as beautiful as it tasted. The project went well, the kids were sweet, and the Lord spoke so clearly I couldn’t miss Him.

But this is real life.

Sometimes it goes sideways.

Sometimes circumstances are hard and dark and ugly.

Sometimes circumstances are fine, but it’s my own heart that’s hard and dark and ugly.

Like every family, we have ups and downs, successes and failures, highlights and bloopers. We have good weeks, and some really bad ones.

I can’t tell you how many Sunday nights I have spent staring at a blank screen, wondering how I was going to find something positive to say.

But God.

He’s just so good, y’all. Because He’s always there. Even if all I can thank Him for is my cup of coffee and the color of the sky, He gives me the ability to do that.

Because no matter what it all looks like, no matter what storms come, no matter how bleak (or how WONDERFUL) life is at any given moment…

HE IS WORTHY.

It doesn’t matter how thankful I feel.

HE IS GOOD.

Cultivating a heart of gratitude is a lifelong process. Even though I’ve had this blog and an audience for accountability for almost a decade, it still doesn’t always come easily. Fiery darts in the form of crippling anxiety and chronic PTSD, along with the relentless cares of this world are ever seeking to rob my joy and squelch my testimony.

But God.

I won’t do it perfectly. But I will praise Him. I will fall, but I will praise Him in the dirt. I will freak out and forget everything I have learned, but He will remind me and I will repent and praise Him again. I will get prideful and start acting like I’ve got it all together, and once I’m done looking and sounding like a fool, I will praise the One who deserves it.

Thank You Jesus, for Who You Are and all You have done. I don’t deserve Your grace, but I’m so so thankful for it.

Thank You for 9 years with Sawyer, 9 years with our family, 9 years of growth, 9 years with all of you.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.” (Isaiah 25:1)

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever.” (Psalms 86:12)

Garner

I am thankful:

(First of all, I’m so sorry I dropped the ball last week with Sunday Gratitude. May be the first Sunday I have missed in almost 10 years! The mid-week holiday threw me for a loop, and I never could quite figure out what day it was! Especially since we were preparing for the week ahead…)

This picture can only mean ONE THING!

It was vacation week! This year’s destination was a highly anticipated trip to memory lane. Josh grew up most of his childhood traveling to the Frio River at Garner State Park.

One of the most desirable state parks in Texas, Garner is a time capsule, harkening back to a simpler era. The setting is breathtakingly beautiful, with chiseled limestone cliffs towering above crystal clear icy water.

The night sky defies description. Took my breath away. (Photo via Garner FB)

White rock beaches line the river’s edge and periodically among the towering cypress trees, you can spot long, rugged ropes, beckoning you to climb up and take a flying leap into the sparkling Frio below.

After a day of baking in the Texas heat, what better way to end each evening than with country dancing! Like a scene from a movie, string lights hang from an ancient live oak over the iconic dance pavilion built in the 1930s, and country classics croon from an “old-timey” jukebox. Josh was astounded that not a thing had changed in the 28 years since he’d last visited the park.

Can you spot young Josh in this 1980s postcard photo?

The week was incredible + hot + exhilarating + exhausting.

So grateful for a lifetime of memories made. (Hated that we were missing Colton this week, but he is actually in ALASKA on a work assignment!)

Quotes from the week:

Regarding sleeping in the tent on Night 1, “It’s so hot in here…the only option…is to die!” Tatum K

When we found out someone called a dance partner by the wrong name, “Well, in my fence, it was really loud.” Gavin

As soon as a song started playing at the dance, “Well…time for my charm!” Sawyer

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

““But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”” (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Dig

I am thankful.

~ for a good week on the farm. We were gifted some mature hens from a friend, and we were thankful to welcome Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia.

We’ve started letting all the chickens out to free range for a few hours in the evening, and it’s so fun to watch them explore and forage and then one by one, put themselves to bed in their coop.

~ our little garden is doing great, even in the unseasonably early heatwave.

~ not a bad little harvest, including OUR FIRST TWO EGGS! I wish I had captured the looks on each of the kids’ faces! Lord, help me to never forget their absolute joy and surprise. Priceless.

~ for Sam and Kora’s favorite week of the entire year: Pine Cove! For the first time ever, I’ve got 2 at the same camp. So very thankful these sweet girls get to go to camp. They are such a help to me, but they can just get away and enjoy themselves in the most beautiful setting. I pray this will be a week of fun, friendship, relaxation, and a deepening of their relationship with Jesus.

~ for more beautiful wildlife…can you spot the friend in this picture?

~ for our first summer trip to the library. Everybody came home with new books to enjoy. I love this tradition.

~ for a great day celebrating our favorite Dad. It was a peaceful day, with a few simple projects, a Texas Rangers win, and finished with a feast: chicken fried steak & taters and another hot, buttery blackberry crumble with ice cream.

It’s really summer.

Being out here on our little farm, we love the setting and the wildlife and the beauty.

Some things just seem really simple.

But man, is it ever a lot of WORK.

Like it’s a constant battle. Constant repairs. Fighting the bugs. Outsmarting the varmints. Maintaining the property. Tending to the animals. Keeping up with the onslaught of weather and weeds and blistering Texas heat and my gaggle of hungry, messy kids.

I love the story our pastor tells, how he raised his 5 sons on the saying, “We LIKE hard work!”

It’s good to get hot and sweaty from working hard. For your back to feel tired and your legs a little sore. To have dirt under your fingernails, and maybe even a blister or two.

It’s good to have to dig.

Because that’s where the good stuff is.

That’s where the good worms are for fishing. That’s where you find the good soil, once you get past the weeds.

That’s where the treasure is.

I don’t want to stay on the surface, in the shallow, exerting myself as little as possible.

I want to dig deep. Into the Word. Into Jesus. Into Life.

It’s work. But it’s so, so worth it.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:7-9)

“The land yields its harvest; God, our God, blesses us.” (Psalms 67:6)

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you.” 1 Chronicles 28:20a

Almost Perfect

I am thankful:

~ for our annual exhausting, fun-filled week of Vacation Bible School! Big kids all had jobs, Littles had a blast in their crews, and I cooked and served the pre-VBS meal for 70ish volunteers and their families every night. It was an awesome week of fun and fellowship and Jesus, and I’m so thankful we all got to be a part!

~ for a fun double date with dear friends.

~ for such a fun night with our HERO buddies at the Little Wranglers Party. Always thankful for these amazing kids and their families to be celebrated.

~ for a delicious farm to table feast: buttery blueberry pancakes and rich, savory sausage from you-know-what!🐗

~ for an almost perfect, simple country afternoon: playing with the chickens,

sitting under the walnut tree listening to Cooper

while taking pictures of some new friends,

while kids fished in the creek for the first time.

It was ALMOST perfect because I’ve got two sick ones this weekend.

But I’m thankful. Thankful for run-of-the-mill sickness that will pass. Thankful for healthy immune systems that will bounce back stronger. Every day is a gift. I don’t take any of it for granted. Dear Lord, we DO have so much to be thankful for.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalms 27:13-14)

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”” (Psalms 77:11-12)

Farmer-ish

I think this was the “most farmer-ish” week we’ve had yet. I still can’t believe this has all happened inside one week.

I’m so thankful:

~ for our first “harvest.” A bell pepper from our little garden…

first handful of blueberries from my Mother’s Day bushes…

and finally enough wild blackberries (we’ve been stockpiling in the freezer since last summer) to make the most delicious blackberry crisp, elevated to next level status by fresh-churned homemade salted vanilla ice cream.

~ for the best spot to sit and watch an afternoon shower.

Or a late night downpour.

~ for my city kids first experience shucking sweet corn. How has this never happened before? How have I failed them for so long?

~ for animal control. We have 3 less creepy crawlies on our farm (killed one myself!) And that’s 3 in 2 days!

Don’t come at me about these being non-venomous, I’ve got too many goats, chickens, dogs, and CHILDREN to be selective. If we find a snake, we are going to ELIMINATE IT. (Sawyer delighted in being the “measuring tape.”)

~ and the craziest project we’ve tackled as a family yet: crazier than a drastic move, crazier than building a barn, crazier than converting a rat hole into a casita…baiting and trapping 7 wild hogs.

AND THEN, after a crash YouTube course, butchering and processing them into fresh ground pork and pork sausage! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE!???

I still can’t believe we are here. Look at this place exactly one year ago.

We had plans for this place, plans for a life in the country with our kids… but OUR vision was SO SMALL.

I look out on the land and every single day I discover something new.

A new wildflower, a new tree, new bird, new terrifying varmint.

The kids love their new binoculars and all they can observe (Tatum K insists she can see better with them backwards).

It’s far from perfect and certainly not always charming and picturesque. Something’s always breaking and somebody’s usually griping, and half the people in my house are teenagers.

But it’s so so good.

Lord, let me savor the moments that will be gone in a blink.

Thanks for giving thanks with me.

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” (Psalms 25:4-5)

“I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”” (Psalms 16:2)